Every once in a while...
You run across old emails that still make you laugh. This one is no exception. Every time I see it, I think of the day that Kirk's cat tried to dig her way under the door to get to namey. She Loooooooooooves him.
New Years Resolutions by: the Cat
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at
peace with that.
I will not leap into my human's chair which she has
temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum
when she sits back down.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no
reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his
shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my
private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it
amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially
in front of company.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not
proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on
the Big White Drinking Bowl.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home
and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty
of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and
then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took
FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall,
and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching
The X-Files.
I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so
that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human.(It is
somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog
grinning at you with your own teeth.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.
I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my
mouth, especially when my human's grandmother is over.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle
of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my
lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my
"kill."
I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws
extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up
all grumpy.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while
they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do
the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
to chase leaves.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the
bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how
graceful I am.
I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty
after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and
singe my butt.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my
human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to
answer them.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I
will not bite own on my foot. This hurts, and my scream
scares my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it
down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small
bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect
the birds to just fly in.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous
manner.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me
and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash
into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it
as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard.
There have been for several years. I don't have to act as
if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe
each time one of them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are
trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these
days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the
family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are
*not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help
installing a new board in her computer.
I will not bring the city police to the front door by
stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic
911 dial button.
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing
important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the
house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.
I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding
a frog to put in the fish tank.
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door.
They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't
laughing so hard.
I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig
likes to sleep once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to
remain in its bowl.
I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to
stay there until I get hungry.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding
up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so
that they adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start
writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet
Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!"
"BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on
the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can
now pet me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much
they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion
that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my
toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live
cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea.
I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading
the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur
and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try
to
make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when
my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger,
but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the
bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to
eradicate his traces.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
New Years Resolutions by: the Cat
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at
peace with that.
I will not leap into my human's chair which she has
temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum
when she sits back down.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no
reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his
shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my
private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it
amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially
in front of company.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not
proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on
the Big White Drinking Bowl.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home
and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty
of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and
then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took
FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall,
and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching
The X-Files.
I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so
that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human.(It is
somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog
grinning at you with your own teeth.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.
I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my
mouth, especially when my human's grandmother is over.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle
of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my
lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my
"kill."
I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws
extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up
all grumpy.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while
they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do
the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
to chase leaves.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the
bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how
graceful I am.
I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty
after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and
singe my butt.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my
human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to
answer them.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I
will not bite own on my foot. This hurts, and my scream
scares my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it
down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small
bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect
the birds to just fly in.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous
manner.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me
and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash
into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it
as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard.
There have been for several years. I don't have to act as
if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe
each time one of them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are
trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these
days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the
family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are
*not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help
installing a new board in her computer.
I will not bring the city police to the front door by
stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic
911 dial button.
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing
important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the
house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.
I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding
a frog to put in the fish tank.
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door.
They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't
laughing so hard.
I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig
likes to sleep once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to
remain in its bowl.
I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to
stay there until I get hungry.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding
up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so
that they adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start
writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet
Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!"
"BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on
the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can
now pet me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much
they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion
that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my
toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live
cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea.
I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading
the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur
and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try
to
make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when
my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger,
but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the
bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to
eradicate his traces.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.