(no subject)
things that are bothering me:
- that I don't feel strong anymore. that I always feel like my
heart is breaking
- Anne-Marie and I not talking anymore: for the longest time it felt so wrong. Like I felt like a happier part of myself is missing. I can't help but feel upset about it because we were so close. It's not fair.
- Leo: I want him to leave me alone. I'm not making enough money to support myself. I can't afford to give him any money especially not a hundred a week. I'm not even making that.
- Family: My aunt Tanya needs a kidney. Seriously... fuck!
- Becky: Becky has two cists in her boobs and a suspicious lump. She goes in for a biopsy to find out whether or not it's cancer. Okay... she's been a prescence in my life for ten years. This just proves the fact that everyone leaves me. Seriously.
- Ian: Too much to even complain or explain
- Kevin: His prescence makes things weird. His issues are complicated and I'm not sure if I can help him.
- Danny: Ann's brother frustrates me to no ends.
- that I don't feel as strong anymore. I know I already said that but I feel really weak. I'm broken. I'm broken and I can't find a way to fix myself. I miss myself.
I'm tired of making up excuses for what's wrong. There are no excuses. I wish I could fix what's wrong but I can't. At least not right now. I forgot to call my mother because I'm a jerk like that. I have a gyno appointment tomorrow. My biggest fear, that I'll find out that I'm sterile. What if I'm sterile? What if I can't have kids? I don't think anyone realizes how much that would hurt me. It's funny because I remember for years cursing the fact that I had to bleed once a month. Now, now I wish that I did because at least it would mean that I could have kids. And if I can't, I would have to change my whole life plan. I would have to be a good citizen and pay lots of money so that I could adopt children. And then I would have to figure out the perfect time to tell my children that they're adopted and that I'm not their real mother. And that to me, is so painful. Friends leave you, family leave you, and your future leaves you.
The sad thing, the really sad thing, is that I don't even get to say goodbye to any of the things that leave me. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my strength. I wrote a letter to my strength though. I'm hoping that it comes back. I'm hoping I can make it through the next couple of weeks and keep my head up high.
I've been okay around customers. I guess I'm a good actress. I'm a good actress because I'm completely burned out and customers still think I'm perfectly pleasant. Yeah, I'm pleasant. Everything is falling apart and I feel myself ripping at the seams but I'm still going to serve you as though nothing's wrong. I'm still going to give you my undivided attention because if I'm paying attention to what kind of earrings you want to wear with your prom dress, then I'm not paying attention to everything that's wrong. I guess that's slightly helping me cope. Coping is not something I've been doing very well lately. I want to scream but I don't. I want to bust a cap in someone's ass but I don't. (I should definitely do that.)
I'm so angry. I'm angry about everything. I'm angry about every situation. I'm mostly angry with myself for not dealing with the things I need to deal with earlier. I'm realizing right now I should probably livejournal cut this because I shouldn't subject anyone to read this who doesn't really want to.
I've got to fix Luna. That's going to be expensive but I might be able to get it done cheap if I go to the SPCA. Hopefully they'll let me do that. If I go to a regular vet then they're going to rape me in terms of what I have to pay to get Luna fixed. I'm sorry but I don't want to pay 150. I'd rather get the frickin cat knocked up then do that. They need to make like kitty dildos. She wouldn't be horny anymore. Hey... it works for me. But if the site is correct, I can pay $45 and get Luna fixed. That would work right? I don't really want an answer that question. I know the answer to the question. I've got to work at Filene's for the rest of the weekend. Oh yeah... and my appointment tomorrow. *sigh* I'm scared of the gyno. I don't want to be sterile. What makes someone sterile anyways? What makes the body stop producing egggs? I mean... I didn't use them all and I know I got my period pretty early in life but still...
I miss Jon. I miss Aaron. I miss Kate. I miss Anne-Marie. I feel like I have become Amanda to her. But I can't call her obsessively. I'm not that pathetic. My cell's on. I can be reached. Unfortunately... (in terms of Leo)
Where's the justice? And where did Jannitta go? I'm going to fill out a missing person's report. I think Jannitta got kidnapped. I'm going to use some of my bath and body works samples and try to unwind right now. Maybe I'll feel better before my appointment. This week's going to be rough but it'll all be good come Sunday. Well... you know... until Becky's biopsy. Which is Monday. So maybe I just won't relax at all. Relaxation is overrated. I'm leaving for real. I'm not going to go on another rant. Bye.
This is a really long entry and you should only read it if you want to and if you really love me. And if you don't... don't read it.
- that I don't feel strong anymore. that I always feel like my
heart is breaking
- Anne-Marie and I not talking anymore: for the longest time it felt so wrong. Like I felt like a happier part of myself is missing. I can't help but feel upset about it because we were so close. It's not fair.
- Leo: I want him to leave me alone. I'm not making enough money to support myself. I can't afford to give him any money especially not a hundred a week. I'm not even making that.
- Family: My aunt Tanya needs a kidney. Seriously... fuck!
- Becky: Becky has two cists in her boobs and a suspicious lump. She goes in for a biopsy to find out whether or not it's cancer. Okay... she's been a prescence in my life for ten years. This just proves the fact that everyone leaves me. Seriously.
- Ian: Too much to even complain or explain
- Kevin: His prescence makes things weird. His issues are complicated and I'm not sure if I can help him.
- Danny: Ann's brother frustrates me to no ends.
- that I don't feel as strong anymore. I know I already said that but I feel really weak. I'm broken. I'm broken and I can't find a way to fix myself. I miss myself.
I'm tired of making up excuses for what's wrong. There are no excuses. I wish I could fix what's wrong but I can't. At least not right now. I forgot to call my mother because I'm a jerk like that. I have a gyno appointment tomorrow. My biggest fear, that I'll find out that I'm sterile. What if I'm sterile? What if I can't have kids? I don't think anyone realizes how much that would hurt me. It's funny because I remember for years cursing the fact that I had to bleed once a month. Now, now I wish that I did because at least it would mean that I could have kids. And if I can't, I would have to change my whole life plan. I would have to be a good citizen and pay lots of money so that I could adopt children. And then I would have to figure out the perfect time to tell my children that they're adopted and that I'm not their real mother. And that to me, is so painful. Friends leave you, family leave you, and your future leaves you.
The sad thing, the really sad thing, is that I don't even get to say goodbye to any of the things that leave me. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my strength. I wrote a letter to my strength though. I'm hoping that it comes back. I'm hoping I can make it through the next couple of weeks and keep my head up high.
I've been okay around customers. I guess I'm a good actress. I'm a good actress because I'm completely burned out and customers still think I'm perfectly pleasant. Yeah, I'm pleasant. Everything is falling apart and I feel myself ripping at the seams but I'm still going to serve you as though nothing's wrong. I'm still going to give you my undivided attention because if I'm paying attention to what kind of earrings you want to wear with your prom dress, then I'm not paying attention to everything that's wrong. I guess that's slightly helping me cope. Coping is not something I've been doing very well lately. I want to scream but I don't. I want to bust a cap in someone's ass but I don't. (I should definitely do that.)
I'm so angry. I'm angry about everything. I'm angry about every situation. I'm mostly angry with myself for not dealing with the things I need to deal with earlier. I'm realizing right now I should probably livejournal cut this because I shouldn't subject anyone to read this who doesn't really want to.
I've got to fix Luna. That's going to be expensive but I might be able to get it done cheap if I go to the SPCA. Hopefully they'll let me do that. If I go to a regular vet then they're going to rape me in terms of what I have to pay to get Luna fixed. I'm sorry but I don't want to pay 150. I'd rather get the frickin cat knocked up then do that. They need to make like kitty dildos. She wouldn't be horny anymore. Hey... it works for me. But if the site is correct, I can pay $45 and get Luna fixed. That would work right? I don't really want an answer that question. I know the answer to the question. I've got to work at Filene's for the rest of the weekend. Oh yeah... and my appointment tomorrow. *sigh* I'm scared of the gyno. I don't want to be sterile. What makes someone sterile anyways? What makes the body stop producing egggs? I mean... I didn't use them all and I know I got my period pretty early in life but still...
I miss Jon. I miss Aaron. I miss Kate. I miss Anne-Marie. I feel like I have become Amanda to her. But I can't call her obsessively. I'm not that pathetic. My cell's on. I can be reached. Unfortunately... (in terms of Leo)
Where's the justice? And where did Jannitta go? I'm going to fill out a missing person's report. I think Jannitta got kidnapped. I'm going to use some of my bath and body works samples and try to unwind right now. Maybe I'll feel better before my appointment. This week's going to be rough but it'll all be good come Sunday. Well... you know... until Becky's biopsy. Which is Monday. So maybe I just won't relax at all. Relaxation is overrated. I'm leaving for real. I'm not going to go on another rant. Bye.
This is a really long entry and you should only read it if you want to and if you really love me. And if you don't... don't read it.