What if...?
I had to watch "Prayers For Bobby" for today's Language class (LOVED IT), and it made me wonder quite a few things. What if I told my parents I'm bi-sexual? How would they take it? What if they hated me for it? What if they didn't approve? What if the we-are-liberal-as-fuck-and-hippies attitude is just a façade? What if they behave like Bobby's mom, Mary, and instead of being okay with it, they just push me away (without the Bible part)? What if they couldn't deal with it? What if they made it a topic of conversation with their friends? What if when my whole family found out, they look down on me? What if they pushed me away too? What if my grandparents stopped talking to me? What if my friends pushed me away too when I told them? What if they were all disgusted by it? What if I'm still not ready? What if I make a move and she pushes me away? What if I'm just confused? Suppose there's a she. What if she breaks my heart? What if I'm misunderstanding the flirting? What if she's like that with everyone? What if she's not gay? What if she doesn't like me? And what if she does? What if it turns into something more? Will I end up chickening out? What if I break her heart? What if it turns serious? Will I have to tell my family I'm bi-sexual sooner? Will I have to face it all in a short period of time? Or will I hide it? Will I tell my friends? Will they approve of her? What if they don't? Will my parents be okay with it? What if they are not? What if...? What if...? What if...?
But then I realized, as Greg Proops once said, we can say what if "until the kittens come home". So, I decided I'd stop worrying. I have already told some of my friends, and they've been incredibly understanding and supporting. I'm not quite ready to tell my family just yet, but I think I can hope they'll be okay with it eventually. After all, what they want is for me to be happy. If I find it in a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend, it should make as little difference to them as it does to me.
Again, the possibilities are endless. But right now I am not ready to deal with it all. I think I'm going to wait until everything calms down a bit--Moni died just a month ago, after all. I still feel guilty for being able to smile when she's never going to, and it's even worse when I feel happy. I think I'm going to have to wait and see what happens. I can't deal with more shit right now. Not after all that's happened so recently.
Sidenote: I've just realized: I have almost none of you guys in my Facebok account!! That sucks! I want fellow writers/bloggers to talk to more often!!! :(