(no subject)
So...I very specifically intended this as a place for internal vomiting. Or, venting, to be more euphemistic. Sometimes I have to force myself to do this. Occasionally, I communicate to you people out there, but for the most part, this is intended for me, and I willingly invite other people to participate in my internal goings-on if they so choose and and comment, as that is also helpful and connective.
But...it's still for me, and I need to remember that more often.
My first thought is that I don't know where the last four plus years went. And then I think about it, and remember, and I know exactly where they went. And it makes sense, and I know why I am where I am. And, in my personal mental bubble, I'm mostly alright with that. I set myself back an entire year a couple years ago, which I"m pissed about, but...I obviously hadn't learned something that I needed to before, so...there we go. And lots of important things came out of it. However, I am constantly having to compare my progress with others, or other's perceptions of my progress. Things get a little more difficult there. Of course, objectively, everyone's first response is "You shouldn't do that silly, you know better..." but it's easier to say that because it's not about *you*. Looking at the reasons why, there are some semi relevant reasons there for looking at other people's perceptions of me.
...
I have to figure out now how I'm going to handle some interactions coming up (notably with family). In a very dysfunctional way, we're all really close, and we do love each other. That doesn't mean that the elders are necessarily capable of truly understanding or believing in the younger set...But, of course, that's nothing new. I'm realizing, though, that I have some deepset consequential emotions from the past that I'm ... better about, but not anywhere near over. And I have ingrained personal connective self conceptions that aren't very pretty that I need to get rid of.
Hm.
Trying to dredge up from the depths a fairly complete sense of self faith and self confidence. We'll see how that goes.
But...it's still for me, and I need to remember that more often.
My first thought is that I don't know where the last four plus years went. And then I think about it, and remember, and I know exactly where they went. And it makes sense, and I know why I am where I am. And, in my personal mental bubble, I'm mostly alright with that. I set myself back an entire year a couple years ago, which I"m pissed about, but...I obviously hadn't learned something that I needed to before, so...there we go. And lots of important things came out of it. However, I am constantly having to compare my progress with others, or other's perceptions of my progress. Things get a little more difficult there. Of course, objectively, everyone's first response is "You shouldn't do that silly, you know better..." but it's easier to say that because it's not about *you*. Looking at the reasons why, there are some semi relevant reasons there for looking at other people's perceptions of me.
...
I have to figure out now how I'm going to handle some interactions coming up (notably with family). In a very dysfunctional way, we're all really close, and we do love each other. That doesn't mean that the elders are necessarily capable of truly understanding or believing in the younger set...But, of course, that's nothing new. I'm realizing, though, that I have some deepset consequential emotions from the past that I'm ... better about, but not anywhere near over. And I have ingrained personal connective self conceptions that aren't very pretty that I need to get rid of.
Hm.
Trying to dredge up from the depths a fairly complete sense of self faith and self confidence. We'll see how that goes.