The devil jeers at me He drags your corpse across barbed hooks And takes away my soul with laughter :Wumpscut:, Is it you The Dark Lord grinned gleefully
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I think this is a very solid first story, even if you are breaking our hearts. *grin*
One thing to consider when writing repetition is whether the repetition is needed once the story is complete. The "cold, cold as ice" line read more like a poetic device here, and it was distracting toward the end. I would have rather read more detail into how Snape was feeling, even if you were just coming up with variations on that same theme.
If it helps, I write poetry and I run into some of these same issues. Sometimes, I'll write the poem with the repetitive part and then after I feel like I have the bones of the piece, I will take the repetition out and see if what I'm left with works on its own.
Anyway! It's something to think about. Otherwise, I think this is a good piece and I hope we see more from you in the future! *hug*
Thanx! You know, the repetition-thing... I was thinking along the lines that Severerus abandoned all feeling when he tucked that voice away in his head - at least he tried. A mantra of sorts... Anyway, I thought about using this story as a kind of working-sheet, to make it into a "real" story with lots of dialogues 'n stuff... But, you see, there's still my real life to consider (well, not really, for do I have a life outside fandom? Certainly not...:)
But thanx anyway for your advice! I hope I will get to some more writing, diplomas and masters notwithstanding...
Oh, but I liked this story! As another said, I would have liked more varied description for Snape's struggle to keep everything hidden under his cold mask, but that would be a better thing for a longer fic. Your cold as ice line suits shorter scenes/stories like this one just fine.
A particular part that struck me with an inner cheer for determined!Snape:
He led raids to gain more material for Inferii. He imperioed and obliviated a minor Death Eater and sent him to the Order to give them information about those oncoming raids, effectively sabotaging them. When Voldemort found out he had a spy in the nether ranks and crucioed the minor one to death, he stood smiling next to the Dark Lord and imprerioed another minor. But inwardly, he was cold. As cold as ice.
Comments 5
Omg!
::sobbs::
At least6 they are together again.
::sobbs::
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Yes. Maybe, on the other side, they are together again...
On the other side, I'll see you again
On the othe side, we'll walk hand in hand...
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One thing to consider when writing repetition is whether the repetition is needed once the story is complete. The "cold, cold as ice" line read more like a poetic device here, and it was distracting toward the end. I would have rather read more detail into how Snape was feeling, even if you were just coming up with variations on that same theme.
If it helps, I write poetry and I run into some of these same issues. Sometimes, I'll write the poem with the repetitive part and then after I feel like I have the bones of the piece, I will take the repetition out and see if what I'm left with works on its own.
Anyway! It's something to think about. Otherwise, I think this is a good piece and I hope we see more from you in the future! *hug*
love, lore
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But thanx anyway for your advice! I hope I will get to some more writing, diplomas and masters notwithstanding...
*hugs back*
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A particular part that struck me with an inner cheer for determined!Snape:
He led raids to gain more material for Inferii. He imperioed and obliviated a minor Death Eater and sent him to the Order to give them information about those oncoming raids, effectively sabotaging them. When Voldemort found out he had a spy in the nether ranks and crucioed the minor one to death, he stood smiling next to the Dark Lord and imprerioed another minor. But inwardly, he was cold. As cold as ice.
I hope to read more from you in future!
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