Dating

[nausved]

I really dislike dates. I like hanging out with people, and I like having excuses to see things and do things. I just dislike the wishy-washiness of it all. Sometimes dates feel like a job interview, except that it isn't clear who's interviewing whom or what, precisely, the position is. The process is like a strange, stilted, improvised dance where

Comments

[scharfschuetze]

Yeah... I think the date thing is lame, too. It takes something that should be fun, and turns it into something awkward.

I always preferred meet, talk, hang out some more, get to be friends, hopefully discover feelings for one another, go from there. It makes for better relationships...

I just wish the girls I've tried to form relationships would listen to me on that.

"Well, you didn't ask me on a date when we met, so there's no way it could ever happen now because we're friends."

[levgre]

I think outgoing people do better with an actual date, since they like to have more going on, more stimulus. Meanwhile introverted people can already be overstimulated being in the company of a new person :P

I think I have seen a trend, though, where people meet their long-term partners spontaneously, like work, church, or other social gatherings. So that supports the idea that meeting someone more naturally and casually is better, rather than setting up a date.

[nerdwerds]

You're right: dating is like a job interview.
Mine have never been silent, however. I'm usually really up front and direct about all of my flaws and expectations form a partner. This has led to fewer repeat dates, but really when I'm trying to weed people out I figure there are many more women who won't match me than there are women who will tolerate me.

[nausved]

I think that's the best approach. It often backfires, though. For example, I try to explain to new dates that I'm a pretty extreme introvert and I need a lot of solitude to function. Almost universally, people then become more attracted to me for this straightforwardness-and then, almost as often, they soon get pissed or hurt when I don't want to talk on the phone every day or feel suffocated by going on dates more than once every week or two. I try to get things like this in the open early on so we can go ahead and get rejections out of the way before it gets messy, but it doesn't work if my honesty is immediately dismissed as humbleness.

[nerdwerds]

I don't understand that. I like my solitude but sometimes I need, or crave, human contact. If I don't see the person I'm dating at least once a week, I start to feel they don't really like me. Additionally, when a relationship gets serious, if we're not fooling around on a regular basis (at least once or twice a week) I'll start to feel like maybe she's not attracted to me, and I'll start to get cranky.

[nausved]

Once an official relationship is established and I'm in love (or well on my way, at least), I like more frequent visits. But when we're still just in the process of getting to know each other, it really takes a lot out of me-and the more pressured I am to hang out more than I'm comfortable with at such an early stage, the more it kills any desire to hang out at all. I very, very strongly prefer to date friends for this reason; the most draining part-getting to know and feel comfortable around a new person-is already out of the way. I also very, very strong prefer to date other introverts, because if I say, "I think I need to be alone today," they often reply, "Actually, I was just going to say the same thing," and there are no hard feelings.

It's not about disliking someone-though almost everyone (extraverts, anyway) seems to think so and takes it personally. It's about being overstimulated. It's like a need to sleep. Sure, I'd love to be working on my hobbies instead, but I really need to rest.