Hallelujah: Chapter 4
Baby, I've been here before,
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor,
I used to live alone before I knew ya
I walk through the lonely gardens of my manor, touching roses, smelling hyacinth. It was here that I first came to hide after you returned to Potter. And it was here that you begged me to let you use the gardens for your wedding.
Did you not know how it would hurt? Did you do it on purpose? Are you truly that cruel?
It mustn't have been cruelty. Perhaps you thought that I wouldn't have come if it hadn't been on my property.
You would have been right.
How could I turn you down, though, when you asked? Potter was shocked that I would allow it, but he bore it well, with the amused demeanor of a man in love and getting married.
I hated seeing him like that. He had saved the world, fulfilled the prophesy, and now had nothing left to worry about except being a normal man. I expected him to crack. Wonderboy had grown up in the spotlight, and he wouldn't know how to live without the threat of Voldemort and the looming responsibility of destroying said threat.
But that's not how it was. He was perfectly normal, and settled into obscurity as much as he could, with nary a second thought... Making him even more the man who was perfect for you. Someone content to stay home with you and devote all of himself to you.
He does it for normalcy though.
I would have done it for passion.
The hyacinth are in full bloom, and the scent surrounds me, like the warmth of a fire on a winter's night. You never asked for specific flowers, and the hyacinth were my gift to you. Those and the calla lilies that you carried as a bouquet.
My mother had loved lilies of all kinds, and taught me well how to make them grow beautifully.
You thought the garden had natural beauty. You thought it was perfect.
It should have been perfect. I was up for weeks before your wedding day, perfecting the arrangements, coaxing the blooms to look their best.
And now as I wander through the gardens that I no longer have the heart to truly care for, it's as if you are walking with me. Chastisizing me for not keeping it up.
How can you be so cruel? You have no idea what you have done to me, what you have asked of me!
I loved you, love you, and you have cast it aside with no regard for the state it leaves my soul in. Then I was made to watch... No, worse, to host your wedding to another man. And now you are haunting me, without even being dead.
I cannot breathe but you are there.
Where do I go to escape you?
There is no escape, I no longer live life alone. You are always on my mind... Part of me is within you, and part of you in me. It is the way that we were created.
Though we may like it or not, you and I are one flesh.
Your wound has been grafted with Potter, and you are better for having been wounded and healed.
I, on the other hand, am left helplessly bleeding.
And so I continually seek out my memories of that one night when I was made complete and was able to sing wholeheartedly. It is easier to live within memory than reality.
Especially since either way I am not alone.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelu...jah
I am cold.