Hallelujah: Chapter 9
You said I took the name in vain,
When I don't even know the name
And if I did, well really, what's it to ya?
I look at my watch... It is time to leave for your party, and I feel a mixture of many emotions. They cascade down the walls of my empty manor and swirl around me like snow blown by a gale of wind. I am left feeling chilled, and yet also invigorated.
I apparate into your yard, and see the lights streaming warmly from within your house. Throught the windows, I can see many people... Mostly red-headed Weasleys. There's your brother and his wife, the other two of the Golden Trio. They are smiling as they watch their children.
And there, there are the twins. They are on the floor as nieces and nephews crawl all over them. Their joke shop has flourished since the Dark Lord's demise. There is your mother. She has wilted since your father's death at the hands of Bellatrix Lestrange, but looks joyful tonight. I can see Bill, with his wife, who is pregnant again. The family is still large, and still functional, even though your brothers Percy and Charlie were both killed in that final battle.
How dare I intrude upon this? Look at you all... So joyful, so peaceful... Did you invite me just to make me feel small? My heart is wrenched at the thought of what I shall never know. I cannot do this.
"I'm sorry," I whisper the words and they are carried away upon the soft breezes.
I set the gift that I searched so long for down upon your doorstep and apparate home, back to my empty manor where no laughter echoes against the walls.
I wonder if it would be less formidable if there were children here?
But I could never bear children with anyone. I will not ever find someone other than you to love...
I hear a pop, and I look up to see you glaring at me.
You start to rant about my not showing up, my cowardly gesture of leaving the gift upon the doorstep and not accepting the love that's offered.
And I lose it, as I have never lost my composure before.
Tears are streaming down my face, and I cannot stop the torrential downfall of words that have hidden themselves from the light of day for so long.
"You have asked too much of me now. You know that I love you and will never love another, and yet you keep asking me for friendship and brotherly love. But I will never love you as a brother. Potter has you, and I never will, and that's all there is to it! You HAUNT me at night, tormenting me with the knowledge that I will never again taste your lips, nor ever again wrap my arms around you as we drift to sleep. You are bearing another man's child, and though I know it would be worse if the little one was mine, I would yet have a reason to live. As it is, not everything can be said exactly how you want it to sound. Just because you live life one way doesn't mean that the rest of us are less holy!"
You are crying now too, and as you sob, Potter appears.
"What did you say to her?"
I haven't the strength to repeat it, and so I softly whisper an apology and ask him to take you home.
I cannot ever face the two of you again, and yet, Potter is not looking at me with anger, but pity. The gesture, which at one time would have sent me into a rage, merely helps my descent into the deepest confines of myself.
"I understand, Malfoy. I'm sorry."
With that, Potter takes your arm and looks at me questioningly... I gesture him to the fireplace, and he nods.
There's a blaze of light in every word,
And it doesn't matter what you heard,
The holy or the broken Hallelujah.