Fiction: I Never Knew - for Challenge 27
TITLE: I Never Knew
AUTHOR: Adrianna Coylho
FANDOM: NCIS
PAIRING: Gibbs/Ducky
GENRE: Pre-slash, episode related
SUMMARY: Set after Ducky and Jethro make up in ‘Smoked’. Submitted for Challenge #27--Titles Challenge.
RATING: PG
WORD COUNT: 734
SPOILERS: ‘Smoked’, S4 E10
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, nor am I making any money from them. I just borrow them occasionally and promise to put them back neatly.
Stepping through autopsy’s doors, Ducky reached for his hat and coat. He paused. He’d done what he’d gone to do, said what he’d gone to say. They had settled their differences, the air was clear. So why did it seem murkier now than ever.
Ducky moved slowly to hold the back of his chair. Jethro thought they were back to ‘normal’, those lips turning up into the smile only Ducky knew, his eyes making so many promises as they asked forgiveness. The smile that Ducky had been longing to see but been too stubborn, too unforgiving, to win back.
Ducky sank down at his desk as the image of Jethro’s smile tormented him more now than it had in the past few weeks. He had felt Jethro’s pain infuse him “Had… had a family”. The words echoed through his entire being as he felt it again. He wanted to understand. He wanted to understand why Jethro had needed to keep it to himself. All those memories and emotions he must have kept to himself over the years. All those little reminders that must have cut him to the soul and every time Ducky hadn’t - couldn’t have - known. It felt like so many betrayals.
“I never knew” Ducky voiced aloud “I never knew - because you didn’t want me to.”
The words hung heavy in the dark of the room behind him, waiting to engulf him. This room, his room, had seen so much. He had uncovered some of the worst crimes humanity could offer and discovered great tradegy here, but this room had never felt so inhuman. The room had never felt hostile or empty of human feeling, yet now it felt like Ducky did inside, dark and hollow. He had Jethro’s apology, something few would ever be granted, but if Jethro had felt that need to hide - no not hide, suffer - his past alone…
“What else have you… would you hide from me Jethro?”
He tried to shake the feeling and rising, strode purposefully to his hat and coat. He cast his mind back to all the good he had done here. He had investigated, brought families peace, taught others, nurtured, learnt, been with Jethro… all those times, with Jethro… he paused as he lifted his coat collar, not wanting to brush past his face where Jethro had held him to him only minutes before.
Then it struck him.
Every one of those times with Jethro, he himself had been hiding, holding something close to his heart. His love for Jethro was always so strong when he was near, it - he - was intoxicating. Ducky could never be close enough, feeling his love silently the whole time. It was suffering in a way, but it made him feel alive, and it was his burden and his burden alone. If he had told Jethro of his love for him and it had not been returned, Jethro would have felt his pain just as Ducky had felt his this evening. Ducky hadn’t wanted that, but not just because he didn’t want Jethro to suffer too, but because this was HIS pain and HIS love, no-one else’s.
And then he understood.
“Oh Jethro. Now I understand.” He sighed heavily and closed his eyes “and I should have told you something years ago.”
He could feel Jethro’s hand follow his around his collar and brush his cheek, he leant into the imagined touch - only to snap round awkwardly in surprise as he realised even his imagination was not that good.
Jethro smiled down at him, his hand still at Ducky’s cheek.
“How long have you been there?” Ducky practically gasped - from the touch as much as the surprise.
“Not as long as I’ve been here.” Jethro gently laid his other hand on Ducky’s chest “The time for secrets is over Duck, for you AND me, don’t cha think?”
Jethro waited silently as he felt a tear run over his hand. Looking down at Ducky, his Duck, he knew it would be ok. Kelly and Shannon were not just his burden anymore and although their love for him, and his for them, would always be his - and only his - to remember, he knew that he could at least share the memories if and when he wanted to. And the rest of the time - well, he could think of plenty of new memories to be made.
AUTHOR: Adrianna Coylho
FANDOM: NCIS
PAIRING: Gibbs/Ducky
GENRE: Pre-slash, episode related
SUMMARY: Set after Ducky and Jethro make up in ‘Smoked’. Submitted for Challenge #27--Titles Challenge.
RATING: PG
WORD COUNT: 734
SPOILERS: ‘Smoked’, S4 E10
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, nor am I making any money from them. I just borrow them occasionally and promise to put them back neatly.
Stepping through autopsy’s doors, Ducky reached for his hat and coat. He paused. He’d done what he’d gone to do, said what he’d gone to say. They had settled their differences, the air was clear. So why did it seem murkier now than ever.
Ducky moved slowly to hold the back of his chair. Jethro thought they were back to ‘normal’, those lips turning up into the smile only Ducky knew, his eyes making so many promises as they asked forgiveness. The smile that Ducky had been longing to see but been too stubborn, too unforgiving, to win back.
Ducky sank down at his desk as the image of Jethro’s smile tormented him more now than it had in the past few weeks. He had felt Jethro’s pain infuse him “Had… had a family”. The words echoed through his entire being as he felt it again. He wanted to understand. He wanted to understand why Jethro had needed to keep it to himself. All those memories and emotions he must have kept to himself over the years. All those little reminders that must have cut him to the soul and every time Ducky hadn’t - couldn’t have - known. It felt like so many betrayals.
“I never knew” Ducky voiced aloud “I never knew - because you didn’t want me to.”
The words hung heavy in the dark of the room behind him, waiting to engulf him. This room, his room, had seen so much. He had uncovered some of the worst crimes humanity could offer and discovered great tradegy here, but this room had never felt so inhuman. The room had never felt hostile or empty of human feeling, yet now it felt like Ducky did inside, dark and hollow. He had Jethro’s apology, something few would ever be granted, but if Jethro had felt that need to hide - no not hide, suffer - his past alone…
“What else have you… would you hide from me Jethro?”
He tried to shake the feeling and rising, strode purposefully to his hat and coat. He cast his mind back to all the good he had done here. He had investigated, brought families peace, taught others, nurtured, learnt, been with Jethro… all those times, with Jethro… he paused as he lifted his coat collar, not wanting to brush past his face where Jethro had held him to him only minutes before.
Then it struck him.
Every one of those times with Jethro, he himself had been hiding, holding something close to his heart. His love for Jethro was always so strong when he was near, it - he - was intoxicating. Ducky could never be close enough, feeling his love silently the whole time. It was suffering in a way, but it made him feel alive, and it was his burden and his burden alone. If he had told Jethro of his love for him and it had not been returned, Jethro would have felt his pain just as Ducky had felt his this evening. Ducky hadn’t wanted that, but not just because he didn’t want Jethro to suffer too, but because this was HIS pain and HIS love, no-one else’s.
And then he understood.
“Oh Jethro. Now I understand.” He sighed heavily and closed his eyes “and I should have told you something years ago.”
He could feel Jethro’s hand follow his around his collar and brush his cheek, he leant into the imagined touch - only to snap round awkwardly in surprise as he realised even his imagination was not that good.
Jethro smiled down at him, his hand still at Ducky’s cheek.
“How long have you been there?” Ducky practically gasped - from the touch as much as the surprise.
“Not as long as I’ve been here.” Jethro gently laid his other hand on Ducky’s chest “The time for secrets is over Duck, for you AND me, don’t cha think?”
Jethro waited silently as he felt a tear run over his hand. Looking down at Ducky, his Duck, he knew it would be ok. Kelly and Shannon were not just his burden anymore and although their love for him, and his for them, would always be his - and only his - to remember, he knew that he could at least share the memories if and when he wanted to. And the rest of the time - well, he could think of plenty of new memories to be made.