One Summer's Day, One Crowded Hour; Sultan76; PG:13
It was supposed to be warm, the weather man had said it would be so he presumed it was. He didn’t feel it; even under the layers of his suit he still felt nothing but an aching chill.
He had no idea how he got outside of his apartment, couldn’t remember taking the stairs or the lift, didn’t recall pushing open the door, didn’t register the sun that would have normally had him reaching for his sunglasses.
“McGee?”
He didn’t even hear the voice calling him.
“McGee?!”
The haze was starting to clear.
“Tim!”
He started, finally hearing the voice and following it to the head that was hanging out of the car.
“Come on McGee, get in or we’ll be late.”
He nodded slightly, automatically getting into the vehicle and fastening the seatbelt. A hand rested on his shoulder, squeezing in a comfort that he was vaguely aware of.
“You ok?”
He nodded, not trusting his voice and not making eye contact. The driver sighed as he shifted gears and pulled out into the street.
They rode in silence, neither of them where any good at small talk anyway, even under normal circumstances.
All too soon they reached their destination and Tim held his hold on the world around him long enough to get his body working and get out of the car. He felt a hand on his waist, guiding him through the gates to join the people who were gathered along the path, grateful for the direction and the human touch.
His body didn’t betray him as it went through the motions of cheek kissing and hugging as empty sentiments poured from his mouth. The mood was sombre, well it always is at these sorts of things. The day was warm, it must have been ‘cos the weatherman said it would be and the sweat....he saw sweat stains that had formed under some of the men’s jackets as he helped haul the coffin up high on his shoulders in his official duty as pallbearer. It made him shiver as his coat rode up, he felt raw and exposed as he walked with heavy step while bearing his burden.
His task over he turned and sat with his friends and family, all his friends and family minus one. Back in their collective company he still shivered, nothing was warming him today, but then again he wouldn’t let it.
His eyes remained dry, just like they had since this whole thing started. People broke around him but Tim McGee just felt cold.
The nudging arm alerted him that it was over and it was time to move so he stood and automatically followed the crowd out of the small chapel, mingling while accepting and offering platitudes.
At some point there was food, at some point stories told from someone he barely knew from a time he couldn’t remember or just simply wasn’t there for. Then at some point he had had enough and he left them to it.
****
“Hey have you seen McGee?”
“Um....I think he left, said something about getting a ride home, to be honest the poor boy looked exhausted.”
It was worrying, the way Tim had looked today, well the way he had totally disconnected from them since it had happened and it was burning a hole right through his gut.
“Jethro? We are going to go are you going to hang around?”
Gibbs sighed. “No Duck I think it’s time for me to go too.”
“You are going to see Timothy yes?”
“I think he needs some time alone Duck.”
“More than likely just....don’t him stew for too long ok?”
“He knows we are all there for him Duck, he’ll come to us when he is ready.”
“I hope so Jethro.”
The ME patted his friend on the shoulder as Gibbs smiled in gratitude for his older friend’s concern, one that he shared especially after today seeing Tim’s behaviour through the funeral but he knew all too well that tightrope of grief and there was a time and a place to shatter, he figured Tim would rather have done that in private and he would be there when the time came.
“Ah Boss?”
“You ok to drive Abby and Ziva back Tony?”
“Yeah, we thought we might go for a drink...you wanna come?”
“No thanks DiNozzo, see you Monday.”
“Sure thing boss.”
Tony hesitates as if he is about to say something but thinks better of it and takes his leave. Seeing his own cue to leave Gibbs pays his respects before getting into his truck.
He’s not surprised when he finds himself pulled up once again outside of McGee’s apartment block but he is surprised to find that he does not want to go in, he knows now after all this time not to push Tim if he has any hope of getting him to open up but knowing his anguish it is hard to drive away.
*****
It’s dark by the time hears the front door open and close and he sighs as he puts down the sanding block that has given his hands something to do for the past few hours. He debates waiting in the basement for his visitor to come but decides better of it and takes the stairs two at a time.
The miserable figure of Tim McGee standing in his living room stops him in his tracks and for once in his hard headed life he has no idea what to say. Even in this balmy evening Tim is dressed in his long coat, wrapping his arms around his torso as if trying for comfort.
“Tim?” He softly poses the one word question hoping it will break through the younger man’s fragile defences.
“I....I’m cold.....I can’t get warm.” Tim shivered as if to emphasise the point and as much as Jethro wanted to wrap him up there was something else he had to do first but he had to play this carefully, Tim was wound tight, struggling to find his way.
“It’s not cold Tim.”
“Why?”
“Why what Tim?”
“W...why can’t I get warm?”
“That’s not the question you need answered McGee.” Hoping the use of his last name would help Tim focus.
“Wh.....what-“
“You know McGee.”
He watched the cogs in his lover’s brain turn as he tried to provide the clarity amongst the chaos.
“I....I walked away without a mark.” Tim’s voice was shaky, his eyes downcast.
“Yes you did.” Gibbs cautiously replied.
At his voice Tim looked up, his eyes glassy and he started to tremble before darting his eyes away.
“You can ask it Tim.”
Tim sucked in a shaky breath as sobs threatened to break out.
“Why?”
“Why what Tim?” He needed him to say it, he needed him to let go.
“Why did I live? W...Why did I walk away? I....I shouldn’t have walked away, the police...they all said so. No one should have walked away.”
The sob’s he had managed to hold back finally broke as did Gibb’s self imposed exile and he reached the younger man, drawing him in close to his chest.
“It was an accident Tim, things happen that are out of our control.” His voice was soft and low
“D...doesn’t make it right.”
“Never said it would, but you can’t let it rule you Tim.”
“How?” Tim pulled a tear stained face off Gibb’s shoulder to look him in the eyes.
“I don’t know Tim,” and taking both hands he held his face ensuring the young man couldn’t look away he added, “But you will figure it out Tim, you owe it to yourself, to your friends to figure it out and you will, I know you will.”
Tim fell back into his arms, suddenly feeling exhausted.
After a while Jethro let him go and took his hand, leading him through to the kitchen and indicating the chair for Tim to sit.
McGee hesitated for a moment, as if weighing up his options. As Gibbs fixed some food he watched out the corner of his eye and felt relief when Tim shrugged off his coat and looked a little more comfortable than he had done moments ago in the lounge.
“Hungry?”
“Not really.” Gibbs glared and Tim blushed. “But I could go a sandwich.” He smiled sheepishly and picked up the sandwich as he felt warmth returning to his bones.
****
It was later that night and Gibbs was lying in his bed, watching his lover in a deep sleep for the first time in weeks as the moonlight filtered through the room lighting up his pale skin.
He lightly traced the healing line of a scar across Tim’s brow, the only evidence leftover from the car accident that had killed three of Tim’s closest childhood friends, an accident that should have ended Tim’s life as well.
He’d shuddered at the thought every time it crossed his mind. The clear summer’s day when he almost lost everything all over again.
He whispered a promise in the dark, “I’ll help you figure it out Tim and we’ll figure it out together.”
The younger man shifted in his sleep seeking the body of his lover as Gibbs settled next to him, both men feeling the warmth of the summer’s night and the comfort of a lover alive and warm nearby.
Neither of them knew the answers or even the right questions to ask but there was no doubt they would do it all together.
fin
sultan76