“I Cannot Do It”
~I went to the local polling place first thing this morning, 7am. There were about 80 to 100 people in line and someone was 'speaking loudly and aggressively' inside. I left and went to Micky D's for some Sausage with Egg and Cheese McMuffins.
I felt utterly wrung out when I got back here. Truth is, I had literally fled the polling place. I thought, “I'll wait for a while and try later.” Then the exhaustion hit me and I lay down. That was a little before nine.
I slept until a quarter after one and awoke to an awful realization; I can't do it. I simply cannot bring myself to vote in this election. It's a physically palpable rejection of the event.
Part of me truly wants to. I mean, fuck me, that part, what I could call my Inner Citizen, demands that I do so. He's a right fucking Roman asshole about it, Civic Duty as Sacrament. Even as I type these words he screams at me in Frustration and Shame. “Lier! Coward! Hypocrite!”
But I cannot....
This is why I was so Jumpy and Twitchy this morning. This revelation has been forcing its way to the surface for days. I cannot bring myself to participate in this...charade? Con game? *shrug* Even now that Inner Citizen will not allow me to fully reject the process, though he cannot force me to fully participate.
But I cannot....
I do so deeply wish to Believe, believe in the Process, to vote for the first truly viable non-White Guy, to submit to his Charm and Charisma, to believe in his message of Hope and Change.
But I cannot....
I have voted in every single Presidential election since my first one, voting for Jimmy Carter back in 1976. Even when I lived at that shithole sober living house in '04, I made my way to the local polls and filed a provisional ballot. This time, it's just a quick trip out the block.
But I cannot....
If this was going to be a Close Run Thing, I could probably 'push through'. But I know he's got California in the bag.
Clearly, something has shifted in me, something that no longer allows me to actively choose 'the lesser of two evils'.
I am feeling a bit more relaxed as I type these words out. The Roman is chilling, as well. By sharing this I am fulfilling my Civic Duty by Speaking My Truth as a Citizen.
So then, this is my Vote. I vote NO! And feel the better for it...though only so much. The Roman is a stubborn bastard.
I felt utterly wrung out when I got back here. Truth is, I had literally fled the polling place. I thought, “I'll wait for a while and try later.” Then the exhaustion hit me and I lay down. That was a little before nine.
I slept until a quarter after one and awoke to an awful realization; I can't do it. I simply cannot bring myself to vote in this election. It's a physically palpable rejection of the event.
Part of me truly wants to. I mean, fuck me, that part, what I could call my Inner Citizen, demands that I do so. He's a right fucking Roman asshole about it, Civic Duty as Sacrament. Even as I type these words he screams at me in Frustration and Shame. “Lier! Coward! Hypocrite!”
But I cannot....
This is why I was so Jumpy and Twitchy this morning. This revelation has been forcing its way to the surface for days. I cannot bring myself to participate in this...charade? Con game? *shrug* Even now that Inner Citizen will not allow me to fully reject the process, though he cannot force me to fully participate.
But I cannot....
I do so deeply wish to Believe, believe in the Process, to vote for the first truly viable non-White Guy, to submit to his Charm and Charisma, to believe in his message of Hope and Change.
But I cannot....
I have voted in every single Presidential election since my first one, voting for Jimmy Carter back in 1976. Even when I lived at that shithole sober living house in '04, I made my way to the local polls and filed a provisional ballot. This time, it's just a quick trip out the block.
But I cannot....
If this was going to be a Close Run Thing, I could probably 'push through'. But I know he's got California in the bag.
Clearly, something has shifted in me, something that no longer allows me to actively choose 'the lesser of two evils'.
I am feeling a bit more relaxed as I type these words out. The Roman is chilling, as well. By sharing this I am fulfilling my Civic Duty by Speaking My Truth as a Citizen.
So then, this is my Vote. I vote NO! And feel the better for it...though only so much. The Roman is a stubborn bastard.