i've been up since ridiculous o'clock
for once the dog is sleeping peacefully for more than 4 hours at a time, i could actually sleep through the night for once and not have to deal with sleep deprivation all week long, but no. i had a weird dream and woke up somewhere just before 5.
dream involved a visit to tallahassee. jeremy and colin were there... and so were millie and melissa (the owner of the place i now work at and her daughter). the was some event we were there for and i had a broken leg for some reason. so the parts i remember well: there we all are and we're meeting outside of the place where i'd supposedly stayed for the night. when i walked outside there was colin's car and jeremy's happy little blueberrymobile (which i'm sad is now gone). colin got out of his car... cuz he'd slept in it. i was sad about that, but he didn't seem to mind so i didn't say anything about it. then we piled into jeremy's car and headed for a place where millie had some hor dourves (i don't care how it's spelled at this time of the morning) for a party she was throwing in honor of whatever event was supposed to be happening later. as her employee i went in to help her get them into a car she would be taking from this white building of appetizery. so i hobble in with my oneleginacast and she tells me to carry out the pigs-in-a-blanket. i look at the platter and see two naked little pigs without their blankets and ask millie about it and melissa says 'you know they're good if the cooks have picked at them... it's only two. no big deal." but i shook the pan and counted 8 blanketless pigs. she said it was fine, just take them out to the car. for have one leg in a cast, i was walking really smoothly, but still, the little snacks kept falling off the tray onto the floor. there was nothing i could do about it. by the time i got to the door there were only a handful left on the tray. millie came over and i said 'they weren't on there properly. they just slide right off. i'm sorry. i couldn't do any better." she said it was alright and took the tray back in and jeremy colin and somefriendsofjeremy'swhodon'treallyexist got back into jeremy's car and drove away. i was leaning forward in the backseat to be more a part of the conversation in the front seat. colin was talking to somebody else in the backseat. i was marveling at jeremy being so friendly with me (and colin, though he never actually said anything to or looked at colin the whole time) again. it was a nice feeling. but then i got a little twinge of something not happy, not too horrible, but i wasn't completely comfortable anymore. anyway, the conversation in the front seat: there was an ongoing effort, throughout the dream, by everyone to get me to go to a concert of some band i'd never heard of but which promised to be a really fun time. i was torn between having fun with these people but possibly getting my broken leg trampled or sitting out of the activity alone and not experiencing pain. i kept looking at the flier for the show and mulling it over. "on one hand i don't really hang out with people and i should, and i don't usually have fun and maybe i could with these people. on the other hand, there will be people jumping around and dancing and i might get hurt. on one hand i should take advantage of jeremy wanting to be friends. on the other hand, i could get hurt... i really don't know... hmmm..." so i listened to everyone talk about it a little more and it occurred to me why jeremy's friendliness had slightly unsettled me: it's really over now, isn't it? we couldn't get back together if this how things are now, could we? i'll never feel those things again... the stuff i felt with jeremy. i'll never be truly happy like i had been for awhile... i'll never feel truly in love... i'll never feel like i really belong... i'll never feel like there is a God... will i? no, i don't think so. it wouldn't be the same even if we did get back together. i'll never have those things again, but i guess it's time to give up on wanting them now. i know what i'm missing and it hurts a bit, but there's nothing i can do about it now." and then i looked at colin and felt guilty for even thinking any that stuff. then i realized i had to make a decision because we were getting to our destination... and i woke up.
in real life, i have a decision to make. i have to decide today if i will take millie and melissa's offer of a full time job at the property management place as 'administrative support'. there are plenty of pro's and some weighty cons.
pros: $8.00/hour which i probably won't be able to get somewhere else. it's on one of the 2 bus routes which go by my house. (i could still carpool with sandy, who lives across the street, but i feel bad about it for some reason.) i like the people i work with. getting paid is a good thing.
cons: the office is crazygonuts. (i talked to melissa about that already. and how i was worried it would be another eckerd all over again.) in a day there are periods of doing 6 things at once, all of equal importance and equal need of rush and i'm stressed out because the fax isn't working again or yardi (a property management program)is being difficult for no apparent reason or the file i need is labeled one thing but it's contents are completely wrong or someone piles yet another thing on my to do tray that they are perfectly capable of doing in two seconds but it is *my* job to do it because i'm 'support' so i'm only annoyed about it for a second... but then after i've finished all of that my eyes are glazed over and my brain is numb from just doing data entry or sorting/filing stacks of ancient papers for hours and hours. there have been several days when i've said to myself "thank God i'm only a temp," or "i don't want to do this again tomorrow," or "why am i doing this to myself?"
why? i have a $447 check in my purse right now. that's why. ($219 of it will be gone on the 23rd to pay for health insurance again, so it's really not a big deal, but it's a whole lot more than the big fat negative i had before.)
*sigh*
my alarm just went off. decision time is up...
dream involved a visit to tallahassee. jeremy and colin were there... and so were millie and melissa (the owner of the place i now work at and her daughter). the was some event we were there for and i had a broken leg for some reason. so the parts i remember well: there we all are and we're meeting outside of the place where i'd supposedly stayed for the night. when i walked outside there was colin's car and jeremy's happy little blueberrymobile (which i'm sad is now gone). colin got out of his car... cuz he'd slept in it. i was sad about that, but he didn't seem to mind so i didn't say anything about it. then we piled into jeremy's car and headed for a place where millie had some hor dourves (i don't care how it's spelled at this time of the morning) for a party she was throwing in honor of whatever event was supposed to be happening later. as her employee i went in to help her get them into a car she would be taking from this white building of appetizery. so i hobble in with my oneleginacast and she tells me to carry out the pigs-in-a-blanket. i look at the platter and see two naked little pigs without their blankets and ask millie about it and melissa says 'you know they're good if the cooks have picked at them... it's only two. no big deal." but i shook the pan and counted 8 blanketless pigs. she said it was fine, just take them out to the car. for have one leg in a cast, i was walking really smoothly, but still, the little snacks kept falling off the tray onto the floor. there was nothing i could do about it. by the time i got to the door there were only a handful left on the tray. millie came over and i said 'they weren't on there properly. they just slide right off. i'm sorry. i couldn't do any better." she said it was alright and took the tray back in and jeremy colin and somefriendsofjeremy'swhodon'treallyexist got back into jeremy's car and drove away. i was leaning forward in the backseat to be more a part of the conversation in the front seat. colin was talking to somebody else in the backseat. i was marveling at jeremy being so friendly with me (and colin, though he never actually said anything to or looked at colin the whole time) again. it was a nice feeling. but then i got a little twinge of something not happy, not too horrible, but i wasn't completely comfortable anymore. anyway, the conversation in the front seat: there was an ongoing effort, throughout the dream, by everyone to get me to go to a concert of some band i'd never heard of but which promised to be a really fun time. i was torn between having fun with these people but possibly getting my broken leg trampled or sitting out of the activity alone and not experiencing pain. i kept looking at the flier for the show and mulling it over. "on one hand i don't really hang out with people and i should, and i don't usually have fun and maybe i could with these people. on the other hand, there will be people jumping around and dancing and i might get hurt. on one hand i should take advantage of jeremy wanting to be friends. on the other hand, i could get hurt... i really don't know... hmmm..." so i listened to everyone talk about it a little more and it occurred to me why jeremy's friendliness had slightly unsettled me: it's really over now, isn't it? we couldn't get back together if this how things are now, could we? i'll never feel those things again... the stuff i felt with jeremy. i'll never be truly happy like i had been for awhile... i'll never feel truly in love... i'll never feel like i really belong... i'll never feel like there is a God... will i? no, i don't think so. it wouldn't be the same even if we did get back together. i'll never have those things again, but i guess it's time to give up on wanting them now. i know what i'm missing and it hurts a bit, but there's nothing i can do about it now." and then i looked at colin and felt guilty for even thinking any that stuff. then i realized i had to make a decision because we were getting to our destination... and i woke up.
in real life, i have a decision to make. i have to decide today if i will take millie and melissa's offer of a full time job at the property management place as 'administrative support'. there are plenty of pro's and some weighty cons.
pros: $8.00/hour which i probably won't be able to get somewhere else. it's on one of the 2 bus routes which go by my house. (i could still carpool with sandy, who lives across the street, but i feel bad about it for some reason.) i like the people i work with. getting paid is a good thing.
cons: the office is crazygonuts. (i talked to melissa about that already. and how i was worried it would be another eckerd all over again.) in a day there are periods of doing 6 things at once, all of equal importance and equal need of rush and i'm stressed out because the fax isn't working again or yardi (a property management program)is being difficult for no apparent reason or the file i need is labeled one thing but it's contents are completely wrong or someone piles yet another thing on my to do tray that they are perfectly capable of doing in two seconds but it is *my* job to do it because i'm 'support' so i'm only annoyed about it for a second... but then after i've finished all of that my eyes are glazed over and my brain is numb from just doing data entry or sorting/filing stacks of ancient papers for hours and hours. there have been several days when i've said to myself "thank God i'm only a temp," or "i don't want to do this again tomorrow," or "why am i doing this to myself?"
why? i have a $447 check in my purse right now. that's why. ($219 of it will be gone on the 23rd to pay for health insurance again, so it's really not a big deal, but it's a whole lot more than the big fat negative i had before.)
*sigh*
my alarm just went off. decision time is up...