life-line ( block b, ubomb, zikyung, nc-17 )

[nerveless]

title: life-line
pairings: u-bomb, zikyung, (minor) ziyoung, (minor) jaekyung
rating: nc-17
wc: almost 10,000 words of ridiculous
summary: minhyuk has been having anxiety issues for a while now. his friend kyung recommends a toll-free no-questions-asked phone number, and this is how he meets yukwon. kyung has been in a relationship with his boyfriend-slash-best friend for as long as he can remember. when he starts noticing just how close jiho and his new friend jinyoung are getting, he can't help but allow his jealousy to get in the way.



minhyuk

he finds himself in the bathroom, locked in a small stall, arms pressed to the graffiti-covered walls of his self-imposed cage. he lets his forehead rest against the smudged white paint while he gasps harshly for breath, eyes squeezed shut, opening wide, tightening with fear. he thinks he's having a heart attack and briefly flashes through images of his parents' shocked, devastated faces, wondering whether anyone is going to find that one "will" he wrote back in middle school leaving his favorite worldly possessions (one x-box, his cat momo and his CD collection) to his closest friends. when it starts hurting to breathe, lungs shuddering with the piercing feeling stabbing between his ribcage, he tries to calm his gasps down into normal breaths, but the feeling of his heart trying to pound its way out of his chest, beating so hard he could rest his hand on his chest and feel it thumping, expanding and contracting so rapidly it was making him dizzy, makes it impossible to control his racing thoughts.

almost as quickly as it had come, not even five minutes later, minhyuk's heartbeat begins to slow back down on its own, his overworked lungs burning as if he'd just run a marathon around all of the stinky bathrooms of the world. he draws his face away from the grimy wall of the bathroom stall and wipes at it sub-consciously in case the angry message written in black sharpie has made its way onto his cheek. unlocking the door with still trembling fingers, he exits the stall to wash his face at the sink, eyes meeting with themselves in the mirror, ringed with red and still slightly wild from fear.

kyung's one semester of an introductory psychology class informs him that he has had a panic attack when they meet up for dinner at the local burger joint.

"that makes no sense," minhyuk insists. "why would I have a panic attack? I've never had one before."

kyung shrugs over his double-meat bacon burger. he takes a bite and the ketchup spills out like blood from a gaping wound.

"maybe you're a late bloomer," he suggests.

minhyuk shakes his head, in denial. "I don't even have anything to panic over right now. exams are over, I got a job...I'm doing fine."

"I don't think you really need a reason for it," kyung mouths around his food, muffled. "I think it just happens sometimes."

minhyuk frowns down at his soggy fries, lifting one between his thumb and index finger and twirling it to check for imperfections. "is it going to happen again?"

kyung shrugs again, cracking a grin. "dude, I don't know. I got a C in that class."

minhyuk huffs and devours the fry with a roll of his eyes. he hopes that his little moment in the bathroom was an isolated incident that won't come back to haunt him.

unfortunately, it does.

kyung

kyung stares down at the small bag on his welcome mat with a look on his face that's a cross between accusatory and morbidly curious. he nudges it with his foot slowly, tilting his head forward and raising both eyebrows as he tries to get a peek into the bag by shifting the contents, but the colorful tissue paper blocking everything from view refuses to comply. sighing loudly, he reaches down and grabs the paper handle, lifting the bag up and reading the tag on the front as if another glance might change the writing on it.

favorite rapper hyung! ^0^ here is that thing you wanted from me. hope you like it! it was fun to make it just for you. ♥

kyung's grip on the handle tightens, his jaw clenching subtly underneath the smooth, thin skin. grumbling, he fumbles for his keys and unlocks the front door of his apartment. in the small kitchen, he dumps the annoyingly bright bag onto the counter and stalks into his room, shutting the door with a bang. the bag is still there when he comes out of his room two hours later to grab something to eat. he stares at it while he makes his sandwich, butter knife sloppily smearing mayonnaise over and over the same spots of bread. after he puts his ingredients back and has his sandwich in hand, tomato juice dripping from the insides as he bites down, he wanders over to the offensive object and bows his head over it with a squint. just as kyung wipes his hand on the front of his jeans and hooks a finger over the side of the bag to pull it open and finally get a proper view of what's inside, the front door swings open and jiho walks through singing along to his i-pod. kyung jumps back as if he's just touched a hot brand, stuffing his sandwich into his mouth guiltily and going to meet jiho in the entryway where he's toeing his shoes off and bobbing his head.

"I think your little protégé sent you a gift," he says casually, leaning against the wall and taking another bite.

"quit calling him that," jiho laughs. "jinyoung doesn't even rap."

'then why does he constantly call you to help him with music?' kyung wonders, eyes narrowing as he follows jiho into the kitchen.

jiho picks the bag up with a chuckle, shaking his head at the multi-colored tissue paper and the tag. "he's such a cutie." he seemingly ignores kyung's exaggerated pouting as he quickly dips a hand into the bag to pull the CD case out, running his thumb over the front.

"I guess he finished his demo," jiho says, nodding his approval. he tosses the bag in the trash bin and heads toward his room to grab his computer.

kyung looks at the trash, looks at the last bit of his sandwich in his hand, and makes a face as he tosses it in along with his lost appetite.

minhyuk

minhyuk manages to get through a week without a repeat performance of his bathroom adventure. he's convinced that some sort of freak accident happened in his brain to make him panic before, positive that he's off the hook and his life is going to continue as normally and predictably as always. the following wednesday, he's out at the local grocery store shopping for things to fill his depressingly empty fridge with when he starts getting that tight feeling in his chest.

he nearly drops the bananas he'd been putting into a plastic bag, fumbling to catch the bunch before they hit the floor. glancing around, sucking breath in through his teeth, he rests a hand on the side of the produce display in front of him and leans against it, attempting to use all of his will power to keep that ugly feeling wrapping itself around his heart at bay. it rises within him as if in protest, though, and he seriously considers abandoning his shopping cart in the middle of the store and strolling right out to have this ridiculous panic attack alone in the privacy of his car.

fishing his phone out of his pocket, minhyuk tries to distract himself with grabbing things off of shelves and putting them into the cart.

the phone rings five times before kyung actually picks up.

"I'm about to beat myself over the head with this watermelon in front of everyone," minhyuk hisses into his phone, cradling it with his shoulder.

"what?" kyung asks, startled voice crackling over the line. "what's going on?"

"fucking panic attack," minhyuk gasps, hands shaking as he shoves his cart forward to the next aisle and shuffles into it stiffly. "I'm getting groceries. everyone can see me. I can't breathe- oh fuck."

"oh, shit. look, just breathe, okay? it'll be over soon."

"mm, yeah, no, it's not over," he bites out, voice rising up in pitch as he turns to the shelf of food beside him to cover up the desperate clutch of his hand at his chest. "still panicking over here."

"do you already have a lot of stuff?" kyung asks worriedly. "can you just leave?"

"I'm halfway through my grocery list," minhyuk replies, staring forlornly at all of the items in his cart.

"okay, you're just gonna have to wait it out. just try to distract yourself, read all the labels in front of you, keep shopping for your list, just do anything to get your mind off of it."

"okay," minhyuk wheezes, gripping his list and staring at it so hard he almost goes cross-eyed. "okay. I can do this."

six minutes later, he leaves his full shopping cart stranded in front of the dairy products as he speedwalks right out of the store, fingers clenched into fists.

it is only once he's back home that he can finally breathe again.

kyung

kyung nearly loses a finger when he tries to chop vegetables while staring off into space thoughtfully. cursing, he quickly draws his finger up to his mouth to press his lips to the blooming cut on the side of it, dropping the butcher knife onto the counter with a clang. kyung hisses at the sting but ignores the nagging pain in favor of finishing up the preparations for his bibimbap. by the time his doorbell rings, he has two bowls ready and starting to cool on the counter and he's pouring something to drink into two glasses. he rushes to the door, mumbling softly to himself and pulling it open to look up at his friend's bright face.

"yo," jaehyo greets, face lighting up. "something smells good."

"you're just in time," kyung tells him as he heads back into the kitchen. "I just finished with the food."

jaehyo follows him, rubbing his stomach thankfully. he takes one of the proffered bowls carefully in his hands, heeding kyung's warning about the hot bowl. they end up eating in the living room while kyung idly flips through the staggering amount of channels on his satellite TV.

the older of the two makes an exaggerated noise of contentment as he lifts his chopsticks to his mouth.

"you're such a perfect little housewife," he coos. "making food for your man."

"I am not a housewife," kyung frowns at him. he kicks his leg out to knock his foot into jaehyo's leg, refraining from commenting on the second part. "don't make me sound like a girl."

jaehyo laughs and nudges him back playfully, lifting his bowl to spoon rice into his mouth.

"where's the boyfriend?"

"jiho's still on campus," kyung sighs. "you know how he stays late almost every day."

"he might as well move all of his stuff into the music building," jaehyo nods. "he could save on rent."

"and then I'd have to pay double what I do now," kyung reminds him. he sets his bowl down moodily, unhappy with the choice of topic. he hates thinking about just how much time jiho spends everywhere that's not at home, with him.

"aw, hell, I could move in. I hate my roommate," jaehyo grins.

"I thought you said he has a nice voice," kyung comments, chewing on zucchini.

"yeah, but he sings all the time," jaehyo waves his arms exaggeratedly. "like, even when he's on the toilet."

kyung chokes a bit when he bursts out laughing, pounding on his chest and coughing. his phone starts buzzing and he snaps his attention to it immediately, pressing a button to see who's texting him. he pouts when he sees it's minhyuk.

"ugh," kyung huffs, pressing his fingers to his temple. "I have this friend who's been having all these breakdowns lately. last weekend, he had a panic attack in the middle of a date and called me from the bathroom freaking out."

"that's tough," jaehyo shakes his head. he sets his empty bowl down beside himself and looks thoughtful for a second, holding a finger up. "hey, he should call lifeline."

"lifeline?" kyung raises an eyebrow. "that channel with all the bad movies?"

"that's lifetime," jaehyo deadpans. "lifeline is this network of people you can call whenever you're having a hard time and just need to unload on someone. the guy I talk to is pretty good with handling people."

"that sounds neat," kyung grins. "hey, give me his number. I'll pass it on to my friend."

jaehyo grabs his phone and scrolls through it, looking up to pass his phone over once he's found the right number. kyung dutifully texts it to minhyuk and sets his phone aside.

"thank god," kyung rolls his head back against the couch. "I didn't know how many more freakout calls I could handle. minhyuk's a great friend, but I'm no therapist and I am so not good at calming people down like that."

"eh, not everyone can do that. I know I can't. I usually end up just yelling at people to quit whining and get over it," jaehyo shrugs. he moves closer on the couch and rests an arm over kyung's shoulders, grabbing the remote. "movie time."

"no romantic comedies," kyung pleads, putting his own bowl away.

"aw, does watching people making out make you uncomfortable 'cause you're with me?" jaehyo teases.

"shut up," kyung laughs, pushing at him. "you know I can't stand cheesy movies."

"'paranormal activity' it is." jaehyo switches channels back to the movie and smirks as kyung's eyes widen almost imperceptibly, settling in to wait for kyung's fingers grabbing at his sleeve in terror.

minhyuk

he stares at the saved number on his phone with a look of puzzlement on his face. lifeline stares back at him, the word stark against the bright backlight on his screen in the dark room. minhyuk wonders what kind of person voluntarily gives their number out to strangers and invites them to call to go on and on about their personal problems. is this guy sick? does he enjoy hearing about how much other people's lives suck, and is that how he gets through the monotony of his own? he sneers at his phone and drops it back down onto his bed, going back to the search engine open on his laptop.

the list of mental health websites on the first page of hits seems endless. clicking the first link, minhyuk takes a deep breath as he begins to read about the definition, symptoms, causes, diagnosis and treatment of panic attacks. certain words and phrases jump out at him, like sense of impending death, rapid heart rate, trembling, shortness of breath, nausea, chest pain and dizziness. he sinks lower against his headboard as he continues clicking and reading, clicking and reading, clicking and reading. by the time he's done with the first website, he almost feels like he's going to have another panic attack right there in his bed and he sets his laptop aside to take deep breaths, eyes rolled up to watch the ceiling fan spin, fingers clenched in his bedsheets.

his gaze falls on his phone, on the phone number still being displayed. minhyuk narrows his eyes at it and grabs his phone to click out of the screen so his home screen pops up again. even if the person on the other end of that phone number might be able to help him, he still can't disconnect his brain from the thought of how creepy it would be to talk to a complete stranger about things he couldn't even go into detail about with kyung or his other good friends. he imagines talking to someone during the terrifying midst of one of his attacks and then hanging up only for the other person to go off and tell everyone they know about the conversation, laughing about minhyuk's fear and confusion. just the thought of it makes his blood boil.

minhyuk falls asleep that night with his laptop shut on his bed beside him and his phone on the other side of the room, turned off.

kyung asks him about it the next day and minhyuk shrugs the questions off, saying yes, he saved the number, and no, he hasn't called yet. kyung seems satisfied enough with the knowledge that minhyuk didn't immediately refuse to put the number in his phone and he drops the subject.

he doesn't have an attack for quite some time afterwards. lifeline slips away from his mind, covered up by all of his thoughts and worries about work, school and the other facets of his life. his minimum wage job at a local fast food restaurant keeps him busy. the job doesn't pay well, but it isn't very stressful, and minhyuk has been there long enough to have grown accustomed to the vague feelings of nausea from the strong smell of food and the occasional accidental burn from cooking the hamburgers and fries. when his chest starts hurting in the middle of pouring more fries into the metal bin, he barely keeps himself from going into full-blown panic mode right where he stands.

after asking for a quick break due to not feeling well, minhyuk holes himself up in a back room of the restaurant, fiddling with his phone anxiously as his palms start sweating and his head starts spinning. the pain in his chest is worse than he can remember it ever getting before and he feels like he's fighting the urge to pass out. his eyes start stinging from the pain then and he yanks his phone out of his pocket, breathing through clenched teeth while he scrolls for a number he hasn't even looked at in weeks.

feeling like a tool for giving in so easily, minhyuk tries to ignore every red light flashing in his brain to stop him from making a fool of himself while he listens to the ringing in his ear. the voice that picks up after only three brief rings almost startles him.

"hello?" the voice sounds uncertain.

"uh," minhyuk starts, trying not to sound like he's panting obscenely into the phone for fear that it would be taken entirely the wrong way. "is this...lifeline?"

"oh! I didn't recognize your number, so I wasn't sure...yeah, it's lifeline. my name is yukwon. is everything alright?"

"no," minhyuk huffs. "no, it's not. it's nowhere near alright."

"tell me what's going on."

"I can't breathe, my chest hurts, my heart's going crazy and I'm pretty sure I'm actually going to die this time." he sits on a box and bends down, resting his forehead in the palm of his hand.

"sounds like you're having a panic attack," yukwon says, and minhyuk barely keeps from snapping that he already knows that.

"how do I stop it?" he demands, irritated and over-sensitive.

"what's important to remember when this happens is that you can have control over it," yukwon responds, making shuffling noises like he's sitting down somewhere. "your body is trying to make you feel like you've lost control, but you need to use mind over matter. tell yourself you're alright and it's going to be fine."

"easier said than done," minhyuk grumbles, forgetting about his image and breathing heavily into his phone.

"say it out loud. 'I'm fine. nothing is wrong.'"

he sighs harshly, breathing in through his nose in one long, shaky inhale. he lets the breath out slowly and says, "I'm fine. nothing is wrong with me."

"keep saying it. picture yourself calming down. listen to your own breathing and regulate it. imagine your own heartbeat and slow it down."

"I'm fine. nothing's wrong. I'm fine. nothing's wrong," minhyuk breathes, eyes shut, whispering to himself and trying his hardest to regain control over himself.

"was there ever a place when you were a kid where you'd go just to get away and relax?" yukwon asks, interrupting his mantra.

minhyuk shakes his head. "just, uh, there was a tree house. my best friend had one in his backyard and we'd pretend we were running away and living there."

"I want you to picture that tree house and try to remember as much detail as you can. remember how you felt when you were in there, away from everything."

he remembers the tree house. it wasn't large, but it was sturdy enough that he and jihoon could even spend the night in there, sleeping bags sprawled out on the floor while they talked about leaving their parents, school and friends behind. he remembers how it sometimes felt more like a home than his parent's house, especially after they'd started having marital problems and discussing separation. he remembers how quiet and peaceful it got at night with only the stars shining through the cut-out windows and the sounds of the nighttime bugs and birds buzzing in the background. when he opens his eyes again, he realizes that he's breathing easier, the vice clamped around his heart significantly looser.

"are you okay?" yukwon's voice brings him back to reality.

"yeah, I'm...I feel better. thanks."

"whenever you start feeling like you're going to freak, just get alone somewhere and think of the tree house. say the things you were just saying to yourself. don't worry about anything else."

minhyuk nods though he knows the other can't see it. he scrunches his nose up. "how the hell do you know so much about this anyway?"

the voice on the other line laughs. "well, you aren't my first panic attack."

kyung

kyung whoops gleefully as the seal on the champagne bottle taeil is holding is broken and the cork pops free. taeil tilts the bottle to pour it over all of their glasses, moving it down the line and setting it back down at the end as he wipes the counter down with a dishtowel. jiho hooks an arm around his neck to rest over his shoulder while jaehyo instructs them to lift their glasses and proposes a toast "to getting drunk for no reason".

"excuse me, my birthday is an excellent reason," kyung protests, making jaehyo smirk at him and wink and jiho pull kyung just a tad bit closer, laughing darkly in his ear.

"let's just get this party started," jiho says, snapping his fingers towards the makeshift DJ booth where minhyuk is waiting with headphones over his shoulders, one side pulled up to his ear as his fingers dance over the buttons to start the music.

everyone gravitates towards the dance floor as the heavy bass floods the apartment and jiho slips into the kitchen to take the phone off the hook, warding off any noise complaint phone calls. kyung tosses his head back to drain his champagne flute, setting it aside and following jiho into the kitchen to make himself a real drink. he watches as jiho talks to someone on his cell phone, leaning against the wall with a finger pressed into his ear. kyung tries to figure out who he's talking to but the music is too loud to eavesdrop and he busies himself with mixing whiskey into his highball.

he gets his answer when jiho strides to the front door twenty minutes later, just as everyone is crowding around taeil and shouting encouragement while he takes his third shot of the night. he comes back with a younger-looking boy under his arm and kyung can't keep himself from scowling openly towards them. jiho leads jinyoung, who looks a bit wide-eyed as he stares around at the party happenings, as if he's never actually been to a party before, into the kitchen, presumably to get him something to drink. kyung watches them go and sighs, putting his drink down onto a table with a clatter. jaehyo catches his eye across the room and raises an eyebrow and kyung shoots him a half-hearted glare, stalking towards the kitchen.

jiho is pouring some rum into a glass of coke, jinyoung watching over his shoulder in fascination and laughing softly as jiho says something over the loud music. they both look up when kyung approaches them and jinyoung breaks into a wide smile.

"oh, happy birthday!"

kyung looks him over briefly and forces a smile back, thanking him. he looks at jiho but jiho is concentrating on the straw he's using to mix the drink. when jiho finishes and hands the drink to jinyoung, who takes it with a small bow, he nudges the boy's arm to tell him to go check the party out. jinyoung slips away, nodding and smiling to kyung on his way out. kyung corners jiho as he shuts the fridge.

"you invited him to my birthday party?"

"why not?" jiho shrugs. "the guy barely even gets to go out anywhere. he doesn't know anybody."

kyung sighs. "he doesn't know anybody here either! besides you."

"then he can make friends." jiho looks him over with a small frown. "just chill, alright? it's a party, let's just have fun."

he swings his arm over kyung's shoulders again and rubs his arm. despite himself, kyung finds himself relaxing minutely against jiho's side as he guides them both back to the party.

as the party winds on and on, and people get drunker and drunker, the mood seems to lighten. jaehyo gets his roommate taeil to sing a drunken song for them to prove how annoying it is to have to hear his voice constantly, poking fun at him and then mussing his hair as if to show he's joking. at some point during the party, taeil's mysterious sunglasses fall off and his eyes crinkle happily every time someone yells at him over the music that he looks better with them off. jaehyo attempts to serenade kyung as a birthday gift and it results in his voice cracking horribly in the middle and the entire party breaking down into laughter for a good five minutes. taeil mentions something about "and you say I'm annoying to listen to" and jaehyo leaps to his feet and pretend-punches him in the stomach.

minhyuk abandons his station at the DJ booth after an hour and sits on the couch with kyung while jiho grabs a microphone from out of nowhere to replace the DJ music with live rapping. periodically, he checks his phone, as if waiting for a call or making note of the time. kyung leans over to talk in his ear.

"are you waiting for someone?"

minhyuk looks up, blinking, and shakes his head. "I told yukwon I'd call him tonight."

"ooooh," kyung sings back at him, grinning widely, and minhyuk shoves at his shoulder.

"just as a follow-up. I kind of broke down on him yesterday."

"I hope you aren't driving the poor guy crazy himself," kyung jokes, looking over and smiling widely as jiho turns to him and starts rapping about him, hand gesturing wildly.

he gestures back at him, laughing, and then crumbles into a frown as jiho turns away to rap in jinyoung's direction. the boy is leaning forward on his chair, mouth gawking open, watching every move jiho makes like he's painting a masterpiece right before his eyes. he looks fucking smitten, kyung thinks darkly. he rolls his eyes when jiho darts a hand forward to poke at jinyoung's shoulder and head and jinyoung laughs and tries to pull away.

pushing himself off of the couch, kyung grabs his drink and pats minhyuk's knee.

"I'm going outside for a bit," he shouts over jiho's voice.

minhyuk nods and lets him go and he moves through the apartment, slipping through the throng of people standing around and watching jiho's improvised performance, pulling the sliding door to the balcony open. the night is warm as summer nights often are, the air feeling mildly sticky and humid. kyung plops himself down into one of the lawn chairs beside jaehyo, who's sitting and cradling the bottle of whiskey. jaehyo turns to him and grins, removing the neck of the bottle from between his lips.

"I knew you couldn't resist me," jaehyo nudges him with his arm.

kyung grins at him and shakes his head, running his fingers through his hair. "get over yourself."

"never," jaehyo protests, leaning back in the chair and tilting his head back against the wall to take another swig.

sighing, kyung shifts in the chair to draw his knees up. jaehyo looks over at him and smirks.

"you are so bent out of shape just because that kid is here," he laughs.

kyung manages to look like he's been caught. "is it that obvious?"

"obvious? you're fucking transparent," jaehyo gestures with the bottle.

kyung finishes his glass and sets it down, grabbing the bottle away from him and ignoring his cry of protest.

"it's my birthday party," kyung begins, tilting the bottle against his lips and making a face at the strong taste. "he knows I get jealous of them. and yet he just invites him right the fuck over."

"so go kick him the fuck out," jaehyo shrugs.

kyung makes a face. "I'm not gonna start drama in front of the whole party, that's tacky."

"whatever, you're drunk. blame it on the alcohol." jaehyo moves closer, tilting his head to look at him. kyung glances over and then looks away uncomfortably when jaehyo reaches over to fix a stray piece of hair on his forehead. "you know," he breathes, "if you were mine, shit, I wouldn't bring anyone to your party if you didn't want it. I wouldn't even bring anyone to the apartment if you didn't know."

"yeah, right. you'd probably have girls and guys over all the time because you're obnoxious like that."

"it hurts me that you think so badly of me," jaehyo mockingly pouts. he takes the bottle back to drink more.

"I'm happy, you know," kyung says, looking out at the night sky. "with jiho. we've been together forever. we're going to stay together forever. we promised."

"just because you've known each other since you were kids, it doesn't mean you're meant to be."

"but I want to be."

jaehyo throws his hands into the air, looking annoyed. "fine. nevermind. then you don't get to complain to me every time he takes some other guy under his wing and spends all his time with him and you get all jealous and bitchy."

"what the fuck are you talking about?" kyung snaps, sitting up in his chair.

"this isn't the first time jiho's made you jealous. it won't be the last time," jaehyo frowns at him.

"I don't care," kyung says uncertainly. he looks down, fiddling with the fringe of his shirt. "he loves me. he wants me."

"yeah, well," jaehyo bites out bitterly, slamming the whiskey bottle down onto the ground between them and making kyung jump, "he's not the only one."

kyung looks up at him, eyebrows furrowed, and jaehyo clambers to his feet, swaying a bit with too much drink in his system, and grabs at the handle of the sliding door to slip back into the party and out of kyung's sight.

minhyuk

flying through the door, minhyuk fumbles around in the dark on his way through his apartment to the bedroom. once there, he finds his light switch and turns it on while he hops around taking his pants off to change into pajamas. as soon as he's seated on his bed against the headboard, one pillow behind him and one clutched to his chest, he grabs his phone and scrolls for a familiar number.

"hey." yukwon's voice sounds glad, as if he's been waiting for his call all night.

"hey. I just got home." minhyuk relaxes back against his pillow, fixing his hair sub-consciously.

"how was the party?"

"great. it got a little weird towards the end. I think something happened with kyung but he wouldn't tell me what."

"mm, weird. but you were fine?"

"yeah, I didn't feel panicky at all tonight."

"that's good. I'm glad."

minhyuk smiles softly to himself. "so what were we talking about last time?"

"family."

he makes a face. "I think I already told you all I want to tell you about that."

"then what do you want to talk about?"

"hmm." minhyuk tilts his head back against the headboard, tapping his fingers on his stomach. he grins. "let's talk about you."

yukwon pauses for a moment. "me?"

"yes, you. you never talk about yourself when I call you. we just talk about me."

"well, that's the whole point," yukwon says, sounding hesitant. "to talk you through whatever you're going through."

"but who do you talk to when you need that?" minhyuk asks curiously.

"uh, I don't know. my mom, I guess. ...no one, really."

"isn't that a little backwards? you doing this job when you don't even talk to anyone about yourself?"

"it's not a job. it's something I do because I want to."

"why?"

"I just like helping people."

"you won't be able to help anyone if you can't even help yourself."

"I don't need help."

"so you're too good for that?" minhyuk frowns. "what does that say about me?"

"that's not what I meant," yukwon protests. he stays silent for a while, long enough where minhyuk has to pull away to look at his phone's screen and make sure the call hasn't disconnected.

"hello?"

"I guess I haven't found anybody I trust enough."

he almost feels insulted. "yukwon, you can trust me. I'm pretty sure I've told you enough about my life by now for you to have enough blackmail material to keep me from telling your secrets."

"I'm sorry," yukwon murmurs. his voice is quieter now, so minhyuk has to press his phone to his ear harder to catch everything he's saying. "I've just had my trust in people broken too many times."

"well, fuck whoever that was," minhyuk sits up in bed, pointing at invisible offenders. "fuck them. you can't let your experiences with them shape the rest of your life."

"it's hard."

"I know. believe me, I had my reservations about calling you in the first place. I know telling strangers about your personal life is weird and intimidating."

"you aren't a stranger."

minhyuk stops talking, mouth open, listening to yukwon's soft breathing.

"you're not, hyung."

he gulps to himself, hoping yukwon can't hear it over the phone.

"then tell me. tell me about you."

yukwon makes a soft noise and minhyuk grips his pillow tighter, listening so hard he can feel the strain in his ears. he closes his eyes, waiting patiently as yukwon seems to gather himself.

"I'm sorry," he finally blurts. "I can't. I'm sorry."

minhyuk's eyes fly open as his phone goes silent, the telltale sign that his call has been disconnected. he stares at his ceiling, at the subtle shift of shadows creeping along with the minute shifts of the moon. he shuts his phone and sets it on his chest, listening to his own breathing, counting five seconds for each inhale, five seconds of holding his breath, five seconds for each exhale. after fourteen full breaths, his phone starts ringing. he answers immediately without checking the caller ID.

"I was bullied," yukwon says, voice surprisingly even. the background sounds different, like he's turned his television on for white noise. "pretty badly. all throughout elementary and some of high school."

minhyuk breathes out and shifts up against his headboard again, settling in.

"go on."

kyung

he stares at his laptop screen, tapping his fingers on his leg impatiently. "stupid slow ass internet," kyung murmurs under his breath, pressing his knuckles to his lips as the webpage finally loads.

the bedroom door swings open and jiho steps in, swinging his heavy backpack over his shoulder and laying it on the desk next to the laptop.

"you're home early," kyung drawls, raising an eyebrow.

"well, I ran into a certain someone on campus who told me I'd better come home and spend time with you tonight," jiho replies, voice light with amusement as he steps up behind kyung's chair and rests his hands on his shoulders.

kyung tilts his head back. "what? who?"

"jaehyo," jiho half-grins.

kyung's mouth snaps shut and he returns his gaze to his laptop slowly. jiho sighs and grabs the other chair, dragging it over to sit next to him.

"should I be worried or something?" jiho asks, sounding tense now.

"about jaehyo?" kyung asks distractedly. he shrugs one shoulder. "I don't think so, why?"

"he just seems to like you a lot."

"we're good friends, of course he likes me."

"you know what I mean, kyung."

kyung frowns, meeting jiho's gaze briefly before looking away again. "I think things should be fine."

jiho nods to himself, drumming his fingers on kyung's chair. he looks up after a moment, serious. "maybe you shouldn't hang out with him anymore."

"maybe you shouldn't hang out with jinyoung anymore," kyung responds immediately.

they meet each other's gaze, the same measure of vague jealousy and guilt seeping through.

"that's not the same at all," jiho growls lowly.

"how the fuck is it not the same?"

"it's just not. goddamnit, kyung."

jiho stands with enough force to scrape the chair back over the floor loudly and kyung levels his eyes with his computer while he watches jiho grab his backpack out of the corner of his eye.

as soon as he hears the front door shut, he grabs the top of the screen and slams it shut, kicking out at his desk violently.

minhyuk

"so you're gay."

yukwon sighs through the phone so loud it almost hurts minhyuk's ear.

"yeah? and?"

"nothing, just...I guess that's why you were treated so bad."

"one of the reasons, yes."

minhyuk chews on his lower lip while he tries to imagine yukwon in his high school, getting shoved around, called horrible names and picked on publicly. a shudder of something akin to protectiveness runs through his chest and it's nothing like panic or anxiety, hot and thick as opposed to the usual cold and sharp.

"I wish I knew you in high school."

yukwon laughs shortly. "why?"

"I could have been your bodyguard or something."

"everyone would have just assumed you were gay, too. and then you'd be bullied."

"no, I'd just beat them up," minhyuk assures him, nodding. "so they wouldn't call either of us anything."

"that's real heroic of you, but there's no way go to back in time. it's all over now anyway."

"you know, for a telephone therapist, you sure are pessimistic about your own life."

"I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist," yukwon explains. "and I'm not a therapist."

"then what would you call yourself?"

the opposite line is silent for a short while. "a friend, maybe?"

"ohh, I see," minhyuk lays back, adjusting his pillow. "you're like the friend you always wanted in high school to all the people who need someone to talk to like you did back then. and still do now."

"see, now you're psychoanalyzing me," yukwon laughs.

"it's true, though. isn't it?"

"maybe," he concedes.

minhyuk smiles to himself, resting his hand on his stomach. they both listen to the white noise of the phone connection in their ears and the nighttime noises outside of their windows until minhyuk breaks the silence.

"do you think we could ever meet up in real life?"

"what?" yukwon sounds surprised. "meet face-to-face?"

"yeah," minhyuk mumbles, messing with his shirt nervously. "you only live an hour away."

"yeah, but...we don't even really know each other."

"I thought you told me we're not strangers anymore."

"we aren't, but are we close enough to meet like that?"

minhyuk doesn't know how he ever got from feeling reluctant to even call yukwon to wanting to meet up with him in real life, but something about yukwon tugs at him from beyond their phone conversations.

"I want to see you," he says simply, leaving his shirt alone and splaying his fingers over his belly again. he closes his eyes and holds his breath while he waits for yukwon's response.

"okay," yukwon says at last, making minhyuk exhale audibly, eyes flying open.

"tonight?" he asks hurriedly, already scooting to the edge of the bed to pull his pants on.

"you mean right now?"

"if you aren't busy or anything."

the line fills with the sound of shuffling as yukwon curses softly. "shit, wait. where are my keys...? I think my roommate's already asleep. I'll have to sneak out."

minhyuk breaks into a grin, practically falling off the bed as he suddenly lunges for the shirt laying a couple feet away.

"stay on the line with me, though, because I'm crazy nervous and I don't want to have a panic attack on the road."

"just breathe with me."

minhyuk nods, and does.

kyung

kyung is sort of lost. he's also sort of drunk.

he stumbles past a karaoke bar and winds up walking across the lawn of a public park to sit down on a bench. staring up at the night sky mournfully, kyung tries not to freak out about the fact that he doesn't know where the fuck he is and he left his phone at home like a drunk dumbass.

"fuuuuck," he swears emphatically, swaying from side to side slowly as a couple wanders past him, side-eyeing him and talking in hushed voices. "this is bad."

"hyung?" a voice calls out.

he barely recognizes it and it takes him a couple seconds of looking all around himself, eyebrows furrowed, almost convinced he's devolved into being so wasted he's started hearing voices, but then someone rushes over from his right side and stops next to him, looking him over worriedly.

"are you alright, hyung?" jinyoung asks, tilting his head at him.

"oh my god it's you," kyung blurts.

jinyoung frowns to himself and sits beside him. "are you drunk?"

"don't judge me," the older snaps, but then looks remorseful when jinyoung only withdraws from him a bit, as if wounded. "I'm sorry. I'm just lost and I need to get back home and I don't have a phone and I'm sad because jiho is totally gonna break up with me."

"what?" jinyoung asks slowly. he rests a hand on kyung's arm and kyung has to fight himself not to jerk away. "start over again. why is jiho-hyung going to break up with you?"

"because I'm a jealous asshole," kyung sighs. he pouts at him. "I see how much you guys like being together and I hate it because it feels like he never wants to be around me anymore."

jinyoung blinks owlishly and then buckles over, laughing heartily. kyung looks alarmed at this reaction.

"what the hell is wrong with you?" he demands, gripping the back of the park bench to steady himself while he turns his body towards jinyoung.

"hyung," jinyoung gasps, holding his stomach. "hyung, it's nothing like that. I have a girlfriend."

kyung blinks at him dumbly. "a what?"

"don't get me wrong," jinyoung straightens up with a smile. "jiho hyung is amazing. I really look up to him as a songwriter. my parents think I should become a doctor and give up on my music and none of my friends support me either, but jiho hyung heard me singing and told me he thought I could make it. he's been helping me write lyrics and make my demo for the past few months."

"what? that's what you've been doing?"

jinyoung nods. he grins again. "so you thought...? oh, hyung, I'm really sorry. I thought you really hated me but I'm glad it was all just a big misunderstanding."

"wait, wait," kyung waves his hands, brow furrowed and eyes cloudy with alcohol. "so you're not trying to steal him from me."

"nope," jinyoung shakes his head.

"and jiho's...not going to cheat on me with you."

"nuh uh."

"well then what the hell am I doing out here drunk by myself?" kyung whines, grabbing jinyoung's sleeve and shaking him.

jinyoung carefully disentangles himself from kyung's grasp. "I can walk you home if you want. come on, it's not that far from here."

the younger boy encourages his hyung to stand on his feet and, with a little help, gets him walking out of the park and toward the closest city block in the direction of kyung's apartment.

"you know," jinyoung says, guiding him carefully around the nighttime pedestrians on the sidewalk, "I look up to you, too, hyung."

"you do?" kyung frowns, squinting at him.

"well, you're a really good rapper, too," jinyoung nods brightly.

kyung breaks into a wide grin and ruffles his hair, leaning heavily onto jinyoung and making them both veer a little too close to the glass window of the store they're walking past.

"hey, I should help you with your songs, too. I can write stuff, sort of." he waves a hand. "not like jiho, of course, but I'm still decent."

"I'd really like that, hyung," jinyoung smiles dutifully, taking his elbow to keep him from sailing sideways into a bush.

minhyuk

minhyuk flips his high beams on and off as he drives, music turned down low and filling the empty spaces in his car. his eyes dart around, watching his sides as if paranoid that some animal is waiting in the dark brush at either side of the winding road to run out into the middle of the street as soon as his car approaches and cause him to veer off the road and to his death.

he yawns as he glances at the bright clock display on his dashboard. it's 2:15 a.m., according to his car, which means it's actually closer to 2:30 because the internal clock is somehow always behind, even when he makes a point to adjust it correctly.

"don't pass out on me," yukwon warns softly, sounding a little more awake than minhyuk feels.

"I'm not," minhyuk replies, cradling his phone with his shoulder awkwardly because his hand is so tired of holding it up to his ear.

"almost there," yukwon says encouragingly. "I'm passing the city limits. just a couple more minutes."

minhyuk sits up straighter and takes the phone in his hand again, eyes brightening just a bit as he starts to feel the nerves creeping up on him again. what if yukwon turns out to act completely different in reality? what if they find it too awkward to talk in real life like they always do on the phone?

"are you breathing?"

minhyuk takes a deep, audible breath and yukwon makes an approving noise.

"don't worry," yukwon says, and minhyuk can hear the smile in his voice.

"how do you know?" minhyuk sighs in mock irritation.

"I know everything about you, remember?" yukwon teases.

minhyuk grins and his gut flips over, his nervousness turning into eagerness to see the boy face-to-face and talk without a phone line and a hundred miles in between them.

"alright, you should be seeing the turn-off soon."

he leans forward, peering through his windshield and squinting into the darkness of the night until his headlights illuminate the green of a road sign approaching.

"I'm there."

he slows his car down, turning onto the connecting road.

just a couple miles down that road, he sees it. it's a blue car, somewhat old-looking, parked on the side of the road. as he approaches and slows down to drive over onto the shoulder, his lights illuminate the figure sitting on the hood of the car, knees drawn up, arms resting on top of them.

yukwon gets up as minhyuk parks his car, wandering over.

"unlock the door," yukwon breathes, and minhyuk can see him talking into his phone, looking at him through his windshield as he moves to the passenger side. "I'm going with you."

minhyuk hits the button on his door with his ring finger and looks over as his door opens up, a leg sliding in, followed by a body, yukwon ducking his head in at last and already grinning, still holding his phone to his ear as he looks over at minhyuk and shuts the door.

"I guess we should hang up?" minhyuk says, staring at him, also holding his phone to his ear and listening to the echo.

"yeah, probably," yukwon laughs. he lowers his hand and shuts his phone and minhyuk does the same across from him.

"so where are we going?" minhyuk asks, trying not to seem too obvious as he runs his gaze over and over yukwon's dyed dirty blonde hair, his crooked smirk and his playful eyes, finally matching a face to the voice he hears even in his dreams nowadays.

"I know a place that stays open all night where we can get great pancakes," yukwon says, pulling his seat belt on and not-so-subtly mirroring the lingering looks.

minhyuk nods and grabs for the gear shift.

kyung

he stumbles into his apartment at nearly three in the morning, slightly more sober after the long walk home but still drunk enough to bump into nearly every hard surface on his way through the living room. jinyoung has just bid him goodbye outside with a hesitant look and a silent prayer, shaking his head.

"good kid," kyung tells the kitchen counter as he leans heavily on it, turning off a light that he figures jiho left on for him.

when he walks into the bedroom he freezes in the doorway, pressing against it and biting his lip. jiho is sitting up on the bed against the wall with his hello kitty pillow propping his back up, eyes shut and lightly snoring, book still open on his lap, clearly having fallen asleep while he was waiting up. a small pang of guilt stabs at kyung's gut as he ambles over carefully, arms held out in front of himself and quickly grabbing the edge of the bed to lower himself onto it gently.

he stares at jiho's sleeping face for a while, eyes hazed over, fingers tangling themselves in the sheets as they worry at the fabric. he sniffs and pulls himself closer to jiho, reaching over to rest a hand on his shoulder. jiho immediately snaps awake, knocking his book off his lap in his alarm.

"fuck, kyung," he squints, pressing the heel of his hand against one eye. "where did you go? I got home and the place was emp- are you shit-faced?"

"I'm sorry," kyung breathes, making jiho screw his nose up and pull away at his alcohol breath. "jiho, I'm sorry. I'm so stupid. soooo stupid."

"yeah, you're stupid drunk," jiho grunts, edging away and out of kyung's desperate clutch. "what's with you tonight?"

"I just kind of had, like," kyung says, bringing his hands up wide in reveration, "an epiphany."

"is 'epiphany' a code word for 'a case of Heineken'? don't think I didn't notice my stash is all gone. you're paying me back, fucker."

"you wanna fuck?" kyung asks huskily, ignoring him and reaching for the hem of jiho's shirt, sliding his fingers up and pushing it up with them even as jiho keeps trying to scoot away.

"aw hell no, you aren't getting off the hook with this. that shit's expensive, okay?"

"let me make it up to you," kyung insists. jiho runs out of bed to scoot back on and kyung gets him against the wall, pressing up close, pawing at his chest and pressing wet lips against jiho's face. jiho barks a laugh and shoves at him though he doesn't use nearly enough force to actually deter him.

when he turns his head to meet kyung's mouth with his, abandoning his resolution to push kyung away for his determination to get kyung as close as possible, it's like a dam is breaking between them and the past couple months of back and forth jealousy escapes through the gaps, tension unwinding from their limbs as they wind around each other.

jiho presses his mouth to the juncture of kyung's neck and shoulder hard, hands possessively mapping kyung's back and ass as he lines the skin there with sucking open-mouthed kisses. the pressure of his fingers digging in makes kyung grunt in mild discomfort, pushing jiho back against the wall and slipping into his lap. the slow grinding of their hips against each other is a little uncomfortable with too many layers of clothes between them but neither of them seems willing enough to stop what they're doing long enough to strip. jiho pulls at kyung's shirt collar, stretching it beyond its capabilities and making kyung gripe about it even as he tilts his head back to allow jiho's teeth purchase on the thin flesh over his throat, fitting over his adam's apple, tongue pressing against it and dragging down over the curve to dip into the space between his collarbones.

bite marks soon bloom all over kyung's neck and shoulders and jiho eventually pulls back, growling low and threatening as kyung continues to push his hand hard against the curve of jiho's zipper, palming him roughly enough to set his teeth on edge. jiho grabs his wrist to yank his hand out of the way, quickly undoing both their jeans. kyung refuses to move off of jiho's lap even a fraction of an inch, instead pressing his hips right against jiho's as if magnetically drawn to the flesh stretch between his hipbones, so they end up leaving their pants on when jiho starts fingering him, looking up with dark, wet eyes to watch kyung writhe in his lap, head lolling forward with his mouth open. the stretch should burn, he knows, and he feels sort of bad but kyung doesn't seem to mind at all, pushing himself down against his hand to ride the stretch out, biting down hard on his lip and turning his mouth an angry red color that jiho feels attracted to, leaning up to lick at it hungrily. he knows if kyung wasn't so fucking drunk he'd been bitching to hell and back about the pain and he hopes to any deities listening that kyung won't yell at him too much in the morning.

kyung grabs his dick suddenly and starts trying to sit down on it so jiho grabs his hips and hisses at him to be fucking careful, jesus christ, the wall making a dull thudding sound when he drops his head back against it. kyung whines loudly right in his ear when he finally gets it all the way in, swiveling his hips and trying to get used to the burn. jiho snaps, wrapping his arms around kyung's waist and shoving forward to pin him to the mattress, laying him flat on his back and fucking into him in a steady rhythm. kyung's moaning and groaning only gets even more high-pitched and airy, just as loud of a fuck as he is when he's sober, and jiho resorts to his usual shutting-kyung-the-fuck-up-with-his-hand method, covering kyung's parted lips with his palm and hitching his legs up higher with the opposite hand as he goes faster.

he pulls back to look at kyung's face when he can tell he's getting close because nothing in the entire world is hotter than the way kyung looks when he's coming, brow furrowed, eyes pitch black and so fucking wet, legs spreading impossibly far as he grabs at jiho's ass and makes him fuck him harder, hips rising up off the bed with every thrust. kyung bites down hard on his lip and throws his head back, the veins on his neck standing out as he clamps his legs around jiho's waist unbearably tight and rides his orgasm out, rolling his hips in a way that forces jiho to come inside of him immediately, milking the come from his cock.

jiho pants hard when he collapses next to kyung, reaching behind himself to feel the indentations left from the deep press of kyung's fingers against his ass.

"fuck, kyung," he huffs, rolling onto his back with closed eyes.

kyung tosses his head from side to side, breathing hard, a blissed out look on his grinning face.

needless to say, jiho forgives him for drinking all the beer.

minhyuk

yukwon looks sort of gorgeous in the light of the waffle house they're sitting in, minhyuk thinks. he watches yukwon eat as yukwon watches him eat, scraping pancakes off of their forks with their teeth and hiding grins behind their hands.

"where's your dorm?" minhyuk asks, licking syrup off his lips.

"not too far," yukwon says. "the campus is on the edge of the city."

true to yukwon's word, it only takes them seven minutes to get to yukwon's dorm from the restaurant. yukwon is lucky because he has his own room set apart from his roommate's in the apartment-style dorm and they don't disturb anyone as they crawl through the door at fifteen 'til four in the morning, sneaking through the living room.

minhyuk looks all around yukwon's room once they're safely inside, checking out all the band posters covering the walls and making yukwon crack up when he tries to use the pull-up bar on his closet door and almost falls on his ass. once they settle down again, sitting on yukwon's twin bed, they give each other awkward side-glances as the silence grows deeper.

"I didn't really plan what I wanted to do here," minhyuk admits.

yukwon shakes his head. "I didn't either."

"hmm," minhyuk hums, templing his fingers on his stomach and pressing his fingertips together.

"well," yukwon says, "I guess we could do what we always do on the phone."

minhyuk laughs and scoots up the bed to lay his head on a pillow, looking over at him.

"so tell me more about yourself," yukwon prompts, grabbing a notepad and forming a grip on an invisible pen in his hand while he smiles down at minhyuk.

"well," he starts, tilting his head slowly, a smirk spreading over his face, "I met this guy."

"tell me about this guy."

"he has a nice voice. like, a really, really nice voice. and I had no idea what he looked like until recently."

"what's he like?" yukwon asks curiously, scooting closer.

"he's shorter than I thought," that earns him a swat, "but he's still really nice-looking. I like him."

minhyuk glances up to catch yukwon staring at him intensely.

"uh, what do you like about him?" yukwon catches himself, looking back to his notepad and getting back into his role.

"for one, he doesn't freak out with me when I freak out. he calms me back down again. and he listens to everything I say like it's all important."

"it is," yukwon frowns.

minhyuk sighs and swats back at him. "don't ruin it."

yukwon shuts up quickly, so minhyuk continues.

"he gives a shit. he doesn't have to, but he does anyway. and that makes me feel...special?"

yukwon chuckles at that. minhyuk withdraws, moving away from him.

"what?" he demands.

"nothing, I'm just glad I make you feel good," yukwon smiles.

minhyuk softens up again, looking at him. he turns to lay on his side and props his head up with his hand.

"there's something else, though."

yukwon blinks. "what is it?"

"he makes me really nervous," minhyuk says, and before yukwon can start in on a lecture on proper breathing techniques and mantras and mind over matter, he rests a hand on his knee, cutting him off, "because he's so good-looking. he's got a sexy voice, and this killer smile, and it kind of drives me crazy to look at it."

now yukwon looks nervous, eyes wider, breath coming just a hint faster.

"are we still talking about me?" he asks uncertainly.

minhyuk just smirks, hand squeezing his knee lightly. he tilts his head up slowly, slow enough to wait and gauge his reaction, slow enough to catch his eyes closing, his breath stopping, his body leaning down towards him at the end to catch him.

yukwon tastes even better than he sounds on the phone.

yukwon

the backyard is full of people when he gets there with minhyuk. the older boy takes him around, introducing him to people, explaining how they met to people who don't know and looking at him with a grin when they inevitably make a big deal out of how "romantic" the whole story is. all of minhyuk's friends crowd around the barbecue pit, criticizing the hell out of the person actually grilling the meat. or at least one person seems to be doing that.

"you're gonna burn everything," jaehyo complains, smacking him in the back.

jiho whips around and holds the barbecue pitch fork up threateningly as kyung steps over to hold him back, rolling his eyes.

"the only thing I'm gonna burn is all of your food, if you don't shut the hell up!"

"just let him cook," naeun pleads, resting her hand on her boyfriend's chest in an attempt to calm him as jaehyo turns to her with a pout.

"fine, whatever. but my food better not have any black spots on it, woo jiho."

jiho shakes the pitch fork again and nearly stabs jinyoung's eye out in the process. minhyuk turns to look at yukwon apologetically, shaking his head. yukwon simply nods and pats his shoulder understandingly, laughing.

they walk over to the picnic table to help taeil fill plastic cups with carbonated beverages.

"so," yukwon says conversationally, topping a cup off with coke. "are they always like this?"

taeil stops and looks up, then over at the barbecue pit, where jiho has started rapping about the meat to kyung's beatboxing accompaniment and jinyoung's back-up singing.

"well, yeah," he scratches the back of his head, regarding yukwon with a wide smile. suddenly, taeil thrusts his arms out wide. "welcome to the family!"