horrible shivery moments
I keep having these horrible shivery moments where I think about how many things I'm attempting to juggle at the moment, Specifically, they mostly revolve around the least settled thing in my life at the moment: Ben.
Sure I have a lot to do for band, fiat lux, school, etc. But I know those things, I know what I have to do and that there are other people there to sort of pick up slack that I could possibly leave. But in a relationship, it's just two people, so when there's slack, it doesn't work like that....
He's absurdly busy this week, as am I. He's working at least 70 hours this week, and I have a ridiculous amount of stuff to do for band (etc etc). As Jenny said, this is probably my most stressful week as manager, not excluding Game week. Great.
That having been said, the last time we saw each other (really saw each other, not just sort of passing through) was last Saturday when I moved out of his apartment. I had a bad feeling that day, and it has abated a lot since then, but it keeps coming back. We both know that we're doing a lot of things, and that we can't (and won't) prioritize a relationship above a lot of other things. But that having been said, I would like to keep it. So while I don't know the next time I'll see him, or even hear from him, it's unsettling and I keep having horrible shivery moments with visions of bad times. And I can't really call him (even if he had a phone) for some amorphous fear that right now, with all that non-relationship stress, the reaction to anything from me would likely be "I don't have the time for this now, sorry." And I can't deal with that at the moment.
And as I've said twice today, I need that to not happen now. Even if it is in the near future, I can't afford the stress of it right now, because I think that would end up crashing a lot of other unrelated things. I think I just need to have another normal evening with him, and it'll settle me down... but that means we both have to find the time to do that. I'm guessing that won't be until Sunday at the absolute earliest, or possibly as late as next weekend, even assuming everything is still normal and good. And while intellectually I'm fine with that, I'm not sure my emotional health is going to like it.
But there's nothing I can (or am willing) to do about it at the moment, so I'm just trying to a) ignore it and hope it goes away, and b) tell myself it'll all be fine.
Sorry for the whining. But writing about it usually helps me clear my head a little, and there's not really anywhere else to put it. I swear it isn't intended to be one of the "fishing for encouragement" posts.
Sure I have a lot to do for band, fiat lux, school, etc. But I know those things, I know what I have to do and that there are other people there to sort of pick up slack that I could possibly leave. But in a relationship, it's just two people, so when there's slack, it doesn't work like that....
He's absurdly busy this week, as am I. He's working at least 70 hours this week, and I have a ridiculous amount of stuff to do for band (etc etc). As Jenny said, this is probably my most stressful week as manager, not excluding Game week. Great.
That having been said, the last time we saw each other (really saw each other, not just sort of passing through) was last Saturday when I moved out of his apartment. I had a bad feeling that day, and it has abated a lot since then, but it keeps coming back. We both know that we're doing a lot of things, and that we can't (and won't) prioritize a relationship above a lot of other things. But that having been said, I would like to keep it. So while I don't know the next time I'll see him, or even hear from him, it's unsettling and I keep having horrible shivery moments with visions of bad times. And I can't really call him (even if he had a phone) for some amorphous fear that right now, with all that non-relationship stress, the reaction to anything from me would likely be "I don't have the time for this now, sorry." And I can't deal with that at the moment.
And as I've said twice today, I need that to not happen now. Even if it is in the near future, I can't afford the stress of it right now, because I think that would end up crashing a lot of other unrelated things. I think I just need to have another normal evening with him, and it'll settle me down... but that means we both have to find the time to do that. I'm guessing that won't be until Sunday at the absolute earliest, or possibly as late as next weekend, even assuming everything is still normal and good. And while intellectually I'm fine with that, I'm not sure my emotional health is going to like it.
But there's nothing I can (or am willing) to do about it at the moment, so I'm just trying to a) ignore it and hope it goes away, and b) tell myself it'll all be fine.
Sorry for the whining. But writing about it usually helps me clear my head a little, and there's not really anywhere else to put it. I swear it isn't intended to be one of the "fishing for encouragement" posts.