Pain
So I'm here
ripping pictures of myself into strips
and then tearing them into little squares
little confetti pieces of me
me in tons of tiny little pieces
exactly how I feel right now
torn
and in a million pieces
I didn't need the pictures afterall.
Went though the trouble of getting them
was getting ready to ship em
pssshhh
guess not
the most difficult present ever?
Mission accomplished
only not
so there are little pieces of me on the floor
getting stomped on repeatedly as I pace the room
crying
trying to figure out why
they say I'll end up thanking them
thanking them for ending it
they say it hurts them too
they say it couldn't have been real love
if it wasn't real, then why does it hurt so fucking bad?
Two days now
two days
I've been able to do nothing but cry
Last night I told myself I was though being sad
I woke up in the middle of the night
curled up in a little ball
and cried myself back to sleep
and I've realized
how much of my life
they really were
I watch my phone like a hawk
waiting for a message
messages that will never come
I go to my room
trying to find something to do
all my old hobbies
don't interest me
when I think of what I used to do
what I did last week
the week before
it was all him
nothing but him
he was my life
and now we're over
it's like my life is over
the little pieces of picture all over the floor
moving a bit when I open the window
fluttering around
broken
I'm broken
broken and worthless
I can't bring myself to move on
I just can't
Even after the harsh things said yesterday
I can't
I wake up and have a message from them
and I rush to answer it
I can't just forget
I just ... can't
And I fail to see how this is for my own good
How this is for the better
for me
I'm crying again
the tears just won't stop
I feel empty
And in pain
It's kind of ridiculous
You think that when they say it hurts
It's just emotionally you're sad
No, it's physical pain
Your body aches
An ache that won't go away
A pain that will never subside
They swear I'll forget them
They swear that they'll become nothing to me
After what was said yesterday
I almost thought that could come true
I really did
But I still can't just let go
They kept me going
They were the world to me
They made me the happiest person
They made me feel like the luckiest girl there is
They had my heart
Entirely
I lay here
Waiting for the pain to go away
Looking for a distraction
Something
Anything
But everything reminds me of them
Even my music won't make the pain go away
It irritates me
It saddens me
It makes me start crying all over again
It reminds me of us being on the phone
And him guessing what was playing
Why can't I just let go?
The pain ...
This pain ...
It won't go away
But neither will my feelings for him
They said it couldn't be real love
because real love
doesn't just go away like this
If I'm still hurt
If I'm still crying
If I'm still not able to hate them
No matter what they've done
Did it really just go away?
I know I put on an act yesterday
Like I was able to just move on
I thought I could convince myself
Pretend to be happy and then maybe I would be happy
Show them I could move on
Show myself I could move on
I failed
And in the meantime
A webcam is perched
perched on top of my monitor
A promise that was never met
It ended too soon
It all ended too soon
I think back
Three months
Three months of joy
Yes, we had our problems
But those were not all of the time
Minor setbacks
Insecurity issues
But for the most part
It was happy
Beyond belief
Waking up to a text
"Good morning beautiful"
Being in class and sneaking out my phone
Just to send him a message
And having him answer back
Answer back immediately
Going outside and freezing my fingers off
Just to send a text
Saying that my exam was over
And asking if I could call that night
Because hearing their voice
Hearing them laugh
Hearing them make me laugh
Laughing with them
Made my world
Everything thing they did
Was so right
They were cute when they didn't mean to be
They were undeniably sweet
A hopeless romantic perhaps
They made my heart do cartwheels
They put on a tough guy act for the world
And thought that everyone would see them that way
But really, they were sweet
Sweet and had a softside
And a heart that was pure
They didn't see what was good in them
They didn't see what made me want them
But in my mind I couldn't see
Why he couldn't see this in himself
Could he really not see that he was perfect?
Perfect to the point of melting my heart?
I know they're hurting too
They tell me everyday
But things
Didn't work out
And it hurts
It hurts so much
And I still care for them
So much
I don't think I'll ever stop
I don't think it's possible
Possible to ever not care
They mean that much to me
But they still swear
Swear to me
That this is for me
That this will be best for me
That I will thank them
That I will find someone better
Better than them
Better for me
I doubt it
But for now
I'm curled up in a ball
crying
crying crying crying
Alone
Crying and alone
Wishing the pain would go away
Willing the hurt to stop
And failing
Watching the little pieces of pictures
Pictures of me
For them
Blow around on the floor
Like my heart
In a million pieces
Some pieces never to be found again
ripping pictures of myself into strips
and then tearing them into little squares
little confetti pieces of me
me in tons of tiny little pieces
exactly how I feel right now
torn
and in a million pieces
I didn't need the pictures afterall.
Went though the trouble of getting them
was getting ready to ship em
pssshhh
guess not
the most difficult present ever?
Mission accomplished
only not
so there are little pieces of me on the floor
getting stomped on repeatedly as I pace the room
crying
trying to figure out why
they say I'll end up thanking them
thanking them for ending it
they say it hurts them too
they say it couldn't have been real love
if it wasn't real, then why does it hurt so fucking bad?
Two days now
two days
I've been able to do nothing but cry
Last night I told myself I was though being sad
I woke up in the middle of the night
curled up in a little ball
and cried myself back to sleep
and I've realized
how much of my life
they really were
I watch my phone like a hawk
waiting for a message
messages that will never come
I go to my room
trying to find something to do
all my old hobbies
don't interest me
when I think of what I used to do
what I did last week
the week before
it was all him
nothing but him
he was my life
and now we're over
it's like my life is over
the little pieces of picture all over the floor
moving a bit when I open the window
fluttering around
broken
I'm broken
broken and worthless
I can't bring myself to move on
I just can't
Even after the harsh things said yesterday
I can't
I wake up and have a message from them
and I rush to answer it
I can't just forget
I just ... can't
And I fail to see how this is for my own good
How this is for the better
for me
I'm crying again
the tears just won't stop
I feel empty
And in pain
It's kind of ridiculous
You think that when they say it hurts
It's just emotionally you're sad
No, it's physical pain
Your body aches
An ache that won't go away
A pain that will never subside
They swear I'll forget them
They swear that they'll become nothing to me
After what was said yesterday
I almost thought that could come true
I really did
But I still can't just let go
They kept me going
They were the world to me
They made me the happiest person
They made me feel like the luckiest girl there is
They had my heart
Entirely
I lay here
Waiting for the pain to go away
Looking for a distraction
Something
Anything
But everything reminds me of them
Even my music won't make the pain go away
It irritates me
It saddens me
It makes me start crying all over again
It reminds me of us being on the phone
And him guessing what was playing
Why can't I just let go?
The pain ...
This pain ...
It won't go away
But neither will my feelings for him
They said it couldn't be real love
because real love
doesn't just go away like this
If I'm still hurt
If I'm still crying
If I'm still not able to hate them
No matter what they've done
Did it really just go away?
I know I put on an act yesterday
Like I was able to just move on
I thought I could convince myself
Pretend to be happy and then maybe I would be happy
Show them I could move on
Show myself I could move on
I failed
And in the meantime
A webcam is perched
perched on top of my monitor
A promise that was never met
It ended too soon
It all ended too soon
I think back
Three months
Three months of joy
Yes, we had our problems
But those were not all of the time
Minor setbacks
Insecurity issues
But for the most part
It was happy
Beyond belief
Waking up to a text
"Good morning beautiful"
Being in class and sneaking out my phone
Just to send him a message
And having him answer back
Answer back immediately
Going outside and freezing my fingers off
Just to send a text
Saying that my exam was over
And asking if I could call that night
Because hearing their voice
Hearing them laugh
Hearing them make me laugh
Laughing with them
Made my world
Everything thing they did
Was so right
They were cute when they didn't mean to be
They were undeniably sweet
A hopeless romantic perhaps
They made my heart do cartwheels
They put on a tough guy act for the world
And thought that everyone would see them that way
But really, they were sweet
Sweet and had a softside
And a heart that was pure
They didn't see what was good in them
They didn't see what made me want them
But in my mind I couldn't see
Why he couldn't see this in himself
Could he really not see that he was perfect?
Perfect to the point of melting my heart?
I know they're hurting too
They tell me everyday
But things
Didn't work out
And it hurts
It hurts so much
And I still care for them
So much
I don't think I'll ever stop
I don't think it's possible
Possible to ever not care
They mean that much to me
But they still swear
Swear to me
That this is for me
That this will be best for me
That I will thank them
That I will find someone better
Better than them
Better for me
I doubt it
But for now
I'm curled up in a ball
crying
crying crying crying
Alone
Crying and alone
Wishing the pain would go away
Willing the hurt to stop
And failing
Watching the little pieces of pictures
Pictures of me
For them
Blow around on the floor
Like my heart
In a million pieces
Some pieces never to be found again