unrealistic self-justification
so here it goes.
the thing is, right now, that if i could, i would love to give up my relationship with dan. in a heartbeat. it would make life easier. it would ensure less hurt and confusion and pain.
but i've never been in this position before, and quite frankly, it terrifies me.
that i can be so sure about being with jason, and yet at the same time, can be totally disarmed by some of the things dan says to me.
that i can think i could easily fall for you when he makes some geeky comment. the way my heart sinks and then keeps going.
i've never liked more than one person at once. what does that make me? some sort of freak?
i sit here and try to cry out that it's not my fault, that i got pushed into this situation and i would have never wound up here if it weren't for jason's encouragement. but that's in some ways a bullshit excuse and in all ways it doesn't help anything.
when i am dating a guy, hell, even when i'm not dating guys, i'm typically so self-absorbed that i don't even pay attention to men. especially when i'm taken, i don't ever feel even a blip on my emotional radar screen. not unless things are really going down the crapper, and i'm going to break up with him soon anyway. but even then, it's much more often a ridiculous desire to get out of a relationship than anything real.
what it comes down to, is that this is how i feel, and i haven't the slightest clue how to manage it. i really don't. i don't know if it's okay that i like dan for certain reasons and jason for other reasons. i don't know even if some of the reasons i like dan are not the best intentioned. maybe i like him because he isn't interested in being polyamorous. i can't even tell you if that's true, but i think at least some small part of it must be, because i thought of it.
but as a precondition of being involved with dan, i'm not allowed to love him. i'm not allowed to tell him how the things he says to me make me want to cry. both because they are beautiful things that i never realized i wanted to hear, and because i know that i cannot allow myself to enjoy them.
i don't want to be poly. i really don't. i don't believe i can manage it. at the same time, i can't turn off my emotions. i feel trapped between pain and fear.
i am exhausted.
i really wish there were some easy solution to this. but i don't think a list of pros and cons works in this situation. *smiles sadly* my only thought of resolution is to fore go it all and move back in with my parents. some part of me believes that this whole mess means i'm just not ready for life yet.