all kinds of bad
so, i've had some pretty fucked up things happen to me in my life, but i don't think anything has gotten me to this point before, to this white-hot rage that makes me want to literally hurt someone with no feelings of holding back or having any remorse whatsoever.
don't ask me, my friends, if i want you to break some kneecaps, because i do. i want to break down and cry and get all my guy friends to see how much i've been hurt, so that they will beat the shit out of him.
i think things like "don't kick him in the nuts. he won't feel it because he doesn't have any". and i mean it. i mean it with all the vitriolic hate i can pour into it.
i am learning to listen, everyone. i promise i am. the next time there is a shadow of a doubt in your advice, i will heed it. hit me over the fucking head if you have to. i am tired of making the same stupid mistake. tired of being fucked with in my head and my heart.
i want to set fire to anything that reminds me of you, you motherfucking bastard. i used to not want you to hurt yourself over me; now, i would hand you the knife you use to cut yourself with. because you need help, and by God, you are not going to get it until you're that low. and even then, you're probably going to fight it. because you don't think you're doing a thing wrong.
you don't think you've done a thing wrong.
bastard.
i know you think that you're the goddamn angel of the world, and everyone should kiss your ass and thank their lucky stars for your presence, but you know what? you're wrong. you may be a good person when it doesn't have anything to do with you, but once it does involve you, you have no fucking morals, no qualms. you are out for yourself and you don't care who you destroy on your way there.
so this is for you, my once love. i care enough about you to let myself be blinded by rage for these moments, these few moments.
and then, i'm going to walk away. i'm going to let it go, and i'm never going to care about you again. i will always feel sorry for those people in humanity that you warp to your own needs and desires, but i can't save them. they have to look out for themselves.
you... you don't even have my pity. because you know what you're doing, and you lie about it. i honestly hope that you screw yourself over, and come to realize how much it's your own damn fault.
on other, equally overcast notes, my roommates have been told they need to move out before our lease is up to take care of family, so now i'm stuck in SJ with one or two strangers from sometime in the next few months to august. joy <3.
i am still sick, too, which is worrisome, after the penicillin and all. just a little bit sick, but i want to be 100% better. srsly. health is something a 23 yr old shouldn't have to worry over, yet :/