A bit of my emotional landscape right now
I have been in a state of not knowing how to feel for about three months now. I flip back and forth between being deliriously happy and crushingly depressed. Some of it I've talked about openly. Some of it I haven't. I'm going to do a little reflection on how I've been feeling, and why I've been feeling how I have, to try to find the middle.
+ I have a job with reasonable hours and managers who appreciate me and the work that I do. I feel valued, and I feel like my time is being well spent even when I have bad days. The days go quickly, and I have gotten very comfortable in my place.
- It is not the job I want to do. Despite everything I've done, I am unable to appear more qualified than "cashier" on my resume. Despite feeling valued, I do not feel happy at all with my work. It's just a job, it is not my vocation.
+ The training I received from Cal State Fullerton solidified for me the fact that I want to teach, and that teaching is what I was born to do. The counseling and mentoring I received also drove this home: they all agreed I was meant to be a teacher. I was wavering for awhile, but I am completely dedicated now to being an educator. Now that I have had a real classroom experience, I know I will never be happy doing anything else.
- There is exactly one job that has been open and that I qualify for. I have applied for it five times, and have been rejected five times. There is nothing else I can do except apply again because there is only so many ways you can reword "cashier." All other jobs require a minimum of two years experience. I am unable to break into the entry level of the only job I've ever wanted.
+ I am lucky enough to live in a house with my parents, who are not putting pressure on me to pay rent or move out. I am able to move at my own pace while I search for my career and maintain my current job. There are a lot of restrictions that come with living here, but it's safe, and I don't have to stress myself to make ends meet.
- My parents and I are growing increasingly estranged. My mother hardly ever recognizes that I'm even here, and my father has taken to ignoring me when I talk. We have never seen eye to eye, but it is especially hard for me when I need support and they are mysteriously absent (or willingly ignorant) of my life. I sense that they are slowly growing tired of waiting me to move out.
+ I am in a very stable and very healthy relationship with Ziggy. We are going on eight years together, and we make each other very happy. Many of our friends have begun to ask if marriage is on the horizon, but we've mutually agreed that we are not interested in discussing weddings. We are very happy, even if our relationship is currently in a state of extreme periods of separation (we often can't see each other for weeks at a time, and we do sometimes go days without talking at all due to work or general schedules not lining up).
- Even though we are very accustomed to the separated nature of our relationship (our first three years together were basically a long distance relationship), Ziggy has begun to express discontent in our situation. I completely understand, and feel the same way, but at the same time I am completely powerless to do anything. We both have minimum wage jobs. Neither of us can break into our desired careers. Moving in together is basically out of the question until one of us (or ideally both) land a better job. Even though we are both aware of this, it is still putting stress on us both.
+ I have started taking steps to be more active in my social life. I am arranging more events with friends, and trying to go out and spend time with others when I feel comfortable to do so. It's exciting to be in charge of planning events, which I now am. I'm hosting a bi-monthly board game night at my house, and I get to see a lot of my friends twice a month in a fun social setting. It has been a huge blessing to be able to have people over and just have fun twice a month.
- I'm not going to belabor over the fact that my best friend of 13 years and I are breaking up. Needless to say, that has made me question a lot of my relationships. Every time I think I'm secure in my friendships, I think about her, and immediately start wondering if anyone else is going to leave me. In addition, while I've been trying to be more active in planning and attending more group events (something that used to be her responsibility), I cannot say that I've been comfortable with a lot of it. I do not like going out much. I do not like being in big groups. I do not like being in other people's houses. Hosting board game night has rekindled my social life, but also my anxieties. I get invited to go to the movies in groups, or to go to people's homes for events, and I decline because I am afraid. I am even afraid of Ziggy's house. I don't know why, but even people I love and trust deeply I am afraid of being alone with in a setting that is not my house. I worry I'm becoming more withdrawn than I've ever been before.
+ I have been spending a lot of time restructuring my artistic persona. I've been reworking characters, thinking about my story in a critical way, and trying in general to try and emerge again as a painter and writer. I really want to be appreciated for how much I've grown over the years, but I am still struggling with proving that to myself.
- I am still very weak from lack of practice, but I have also lost an audience. While I have never been one to deeply care about the opinions of strangers on the internet, I have also lost the audience of my best friend, who was always there when I presented new work. Without her, it literally feels like everything I make is presented to no one. I feel like I am spinning my wheels, trying to reinvent something for someone who isn't there.
+ I am deeply passionate about knitting, and have expanded my skill set in new and exciting ways. I have never been happier with my work, and I am making new things every week for myself and for charity.
- Despite all of my passion for my knitting, I am unable to channel that into anything else. It is the only area of my life right now that is growing. Everything else is remaining stagnant.
+ I have been working with a Girl Scout troop for five years. The girls are all in high school now, and are reaching a critical juncture of their lives and their relationship with the scouts. I feel deeply connected and involved in their lives, and even though I am not a huge influence in their day to day life, I do feel like they think of me like a role model, which is something I desperately lacked at their age.
- The troop is disbanding. The girls are all either quitting, or moving on to other larger troops where I will not be needed as an adult leader. I've known this was coming for almost a year, but I am still gutted at the notion that I won't be involved in these girls lives anymore.
+ I have lots of reasons to be happy and smile.
- I rarely feel happy or smile about any of them.
They say that the human experience is a series of ups and downs that results in an ultimate "meh". I honestly crave that middle ground. The ups and downs are too much for me right now.
+ I have a job with reasonable hours and managers who appreciate me and the work that I do. I feel valued, and I feel like my time is being well spent even when I have bad days. The days go quickly, and I have gotten very comfortable in my place.
- It is not the job I want to do. Despite everything I've done, I am unable to appear more qualified than "cashier" on my resume. Despite feeling valued, I do not feel happy at all with my work. It's just a job, it is not my vocation.
+ The training I received from Cal State Fullerton solidified for me the fact that I want to teach, and that teaching is what I was born to do. The counseling and mentoring I received also drove this home: they all agreed I was meant to be a teacher. I was wavering for awhile, but I am completely dedicated now to being an educator. Now that I have had a real classroom experience, I know I will never be happy doing anything else.
- There is exactly one job that has been open and that I qualify for. I have applied for it five times, and have been rejected five times. There is nothing else I can do except apply again because there is only so many ways you can reword "cashier." All other jobs require a minimum of two years experience. I am unable to break into the entry level of the only job I've ever wanted.
+ I am lucky enough to live in a house with my parents, who are not putting pressure on me to pay rent or move out. I am able to move at my own pace while I search for my career and maintain my current job. There are a lot of restrictions that come with living here, but it's safe, and I don't have to stress myself to make ends meet.
- My parents and I are growing increasingly estranged. My mother hardly ever recognizes that I'm even here, and my father has taken to ignoring me when I talk. We have never seen eye to eye, but it is especially hard for me when I need support and they are mysteriously absent (or willingly ignorant) of my life. I sense that they are slowly growing tired of waiting me to move out.
+ I am in a very stable and very healthy relationship with Ziggy. We are going on eight years together, and we make each other very happy. Many of our friends have begun to ask if marriage is on the horizon, but we've mutually agreed that we are not interested in discussing weddings. We are very happy, even if our relationship is currently in a state of extreme periods of separation (we often can't see each other for weeks at a time, and we do sometimes go days without talking at all due to work or general schedules not lining up).
- Even though we are very accustomed to the separated nature of our relationship (our first three years together were basically a long distance relationship), Ziggy has begun to express discontent in our situation. I completely understand, and feel the same way, but at the same time I am completely powerless to do anything. We both have minimum wage jobs. Neither of us can break into our desired careers. Moving in together is basically out of the question until one of us (or ideally both) land a better job. Even though we are both aware of this, it is still putting stress on us both.
+ I have started taking steps to be more active in my social life. I am arranging more events with friends, and trying to go out and spend time with others when I feel comfortable to do so. It's exciting to be in charge of planning events, which I now am. I'm hosting a bi-monthly board game night at my house, and I get to see a lot of my friends twice a month in a fun social setting. It has been a huge blessing to be able to have people over and just have fun twice a month.
- I'm not going to belabor over the fact that my best friend of 13 years and I are breaking up. Needless to say, that has made me question a lot of my relationships. Every time I think I'm secure in my friendships, I think about her, and immediately start wondering if anyone else is going to leave me. In addition, while I've been trying to be more active in planning and attending more group events (something that used to be her responsibility), I cannot say that I've been comfortable with a lot of it. I do not like going out much. I do not like being in big groups. I do not like being in other people's houses. Hosting board game night has rekindled my social life, but also my anxieties. I get invited to go to the movies in groups, or to go to people's homes for events, and I decline because I am afraid. I am even afraid of Ziggy's house. I don't know why, but even people I love and trust deeply I am afraid of being alone with in a setting that is not my house. I worry I'm becoming more withdrawn than I've ever been before.
+ I have been spending a lot of time restructuring my artistic persona. I've been reworking characters, thinking about my story in a critical way, and trying in general to try and emerge again as a painter and writer. I really want to be appreciated for how much I've grown over the years, but I am still struggling with proving that to myself.
- I am still very weak from lack of practice, but I have also lost an audience. While I have never been one to deeply care about the opinions of strangers on the internet, I have also lost the audience of my best friend, who was always there when I presented new work. Without her, it literally feels like everything I make is presented to no one. I feel like I am spinning my wheels, trying to reinvent something for someone who isn't there.
+ I am deeply passionate about knitting, and have expanded my skill set in new and exciting ways. I have never been happier with my work, and I am making new things every week for myself and for charity.
- Despite all of my passion for my knitting, I am unable to channel that into anything else. It is the only area of my life right now that is growing. Everything else is remaining stagnant.
+ I have been working with a Girl Scout troop for five years. The girls are all in high school now, and are reaching a critical juncture of their lives and their relationship with the scouts. I feel deeply connected and involved in their lives, and even though I am not a huge influence in their day to day life, I do feel like they think of me like a role model, which is something I desperately lacked at their age.
- The troop is disbanding. The girls are all either quitting, or moving on to other larger troops where I will not be needed as an adult leader. I've known this was coming for almost a year, but I am still gutted at the notion that I won't be involved in these girls lives anymore.
+ I have lots of reasons to be happy and smile.
- I rarely feel happy or smile about any of them.
They say that the human experience is a series of ups and downs that results in an ultimate "meh". I honestly crave that middle ground. The ups and downs are too much for me right now.