[one shot] Hold My Hand
Title: Hold My Hand
Pairing: Mark/Youngjae, platonic JB/Youngjae
Rating: PG
Length: 1.4k
Summary: Let me hold your hand/Again and again and again
“'So the prince doubled his evening exercise routine so he could be tired enough to wake up early in the morning. He needed to rest for the hard studying he would need to do so he could get into medical school and-’ what even is this story, Youngjae?” Jaebum frowns as his eyes sweep Youngjae’s notebook.
“If he’s going to go on a dangerous quest to save the princess, he should know how to treat wounds,” Youngjae argues.
“Why doesn’t he just take one of the court doctors with him?” Jaebum asks, wrinkling his nose in adolescent exasperation.
“Because he has to do the quest alone, of course,” Youngjae rolls his eyes. “The witch made that very clear.”
Jaebum clicks his tongue. “Whatever.”
“My teacher liked my story so much that I got top prize for it.” Youngjae crosses his arms over his chest and kicks at his blankets. “Mummy would’ve liked it,” he mutters under his breath.
Even without his night-light on, Youngjae can see the pained expression that contorts Jaebum’s face contorts and he immediately regrets his careless grumbling. Chewing on his bottom lip, he desperately racks his brain for something-anything-to say to break the tense silence. Ultimately, he doesn’t need to.
“H-hyerim-ah! I promise, I promise I’ll be…Come back! Please…”
Jaebum heaves a sigh, closing Youngjae’s notebook. “I’ll be right back.”
“Hyung.” Youngjae grabs his brother’s wrist.
“I’ll be alright,” he says with a half-smile, looking much older than his thirteen years.
Youngjae tightens his grip on Jaebum’s wrist, reaching up with his other hand to lightly rub the skin just above Jaebum’s left eye. Jaebum quickly pushes Youngjae’s hand away, but not before Youngjae feels the slightly raised bump of the scar that now sits below his moles.
“I said I’ll be fine,” Jaebum says firmly. “He wasn’t trying to attack me. He’s not in control of himself like this and he caught me off guard. I’m just going to put him in his room and make him take a painkiller.”
“Okay,” Youngjae mumbles, reluctantly releasing Jabeum’s wrist. “But you still have to finish the story.”
“And I will,” Jaebum smiles.
The door closes with a small thump and Youngjae brings his thumb to his mouth. Maybe it was just something he dreamed up, but Youngjae can vaguely picture his father tugging his thumb out of his mouth and replacing it with a lollipop. Maybe it was real, because Youngjae can only remember his habit of biting his thumbnail, a habit that he picked up from Jaebum.
“Hyerim?”
“No, it’s just me. But she told me to get you into bed.”
“B-bed…”
Youngjae chews on his nail, part of him expecting to hear the sound of stumbling and Jaebum crying out again, but it’s only a few minutes before Jaebum returns to the room, no worse for wear than when he left.
“So, where were we?” Jaebum drops down beside Youngjae and picks up the notebook.
“Is it alright if you finish my story some tomorrow? I think I’m ready to sleep now,” Youngjae says around a yawn.
Jaebum doesn’t say anything, but Youngjae can practically feel the glare directed at him amid the shifting of the blankets. Youngjae yawns again, nuzzling his face against his pillow as he settles in for the night.
“Ngh…”
Youngjae opens his eyes, looking towards the door. He keeps his gaze there for a full minute, blinking heavily as he keeps his vigil, looking away only when the moaning stops. In the space between them on the mattress rests Jaebum’s outstretched hand. Youngjae doesn’t hesitate to grab it. Jaebum tonelessly hums an old song that Youngjae was obsessed with when he was younger and Youngjae drifts off into a dream of a happy memory.
~
“I’m sorry,” Youngjae says softly.
In the driver’s seat Mark blinks, but whether that’s a reaction to the apology or the flash of lightning in the distance is unclear. The older man can be difficult to read at the best of times, but it’s worse when he gets quiet and disappears inside his own head like this.
“Please say something. I didn’t, I didn’t mean to make you mad.”
“I’m not mad.”
Youngjae blinks, straightening in his seat. “You’re not?” He absently chews on his thumbnail and stares at Mark’s profile as he waits for a reply. When none comes after several more minutes of silence, Youngjae wonders if he imagined it.
“I mean, I am, I guess?” Mark shrugs briefly. “But really I’m…disappointed.”
“Disappointed?” Youngjae tilts his head.
“For lack of a better word.” Mark shrugs again. “Like, do you really think that little of me that you couldn’t tell me? Am I that lacking?” Mark finally looks away from the road to shoot Youngjae a look that could only be described as anguished.
“That’s not-I didn't-” Youngjae can feel beads of sweat forming on his brow as he wills the words to come.
Mark sighs, shaking his head. “I’m a dumbass. It’s your personal business and I’m being an idiot.”
Youngjae fidgets in his seat, his tongue still out of commission.
“Just…know that you can tell me whatever, okay?” Mark glances back at Youngjae with a tentative smile. “I can’t say that I can relate to what you went through, but I can always-”
“The best day of my life was the day I turned six,” Youngjae speaks up. He lays his hand palm up on the drink holder, staring at Mark beseechingly.
Mark grasps his hand, lacing their fingers together with a gentle squeeze.
Breathing a little easier, Youngjae continues. “I had just started getting into animals, so my parents took me to the zoo as a treat. That was the first time I’d ever taken a train. I spent the entire time gawking out the window trying to take in the scenery. I remember being stunned at how big the world was,” he chuckles.
“Scaredy cat that I was, even the baby animals in the children’s section made me nervous. My mother worried that I might not be able to handle the proper zoo with the bigger animals. I, I don’t quite remember what her voice sounded like…” Youngjae frowns.
Mark gives his hand a reassuring squeeze and Youngjae flashes him a grateful smile.
“They took me to the penguins first, and then the seals, and then we got to the otters.” Youngjae smiles to himself, closing his eyes.
“Oh, they’re so adorable. Honey, make sure you get some footage of that one playing with the cups.”
“I guess they’re cute, but they don’t really do anything. Can we go see the polar bears now?”
“I can’t see…”
“I’ve got you, little man.”
“Wee! Much better. Hey, are the otters holding hands?”
“Otters have paws, not hands. Don’t you know anything?”
“Jaebum.”
“Yes, otters hold onto each other while they sleep so they don’t drift away from each other and get lost.”
“Oh, wow, that’s really neat. Otters are smart!”
Youngjae opens his eyes. “I don’t know why, but that stayed with me the entire time. Whenever I got freaked out by the elephants or the bears, I would hold my father’s hand and I suddenly I was invincible.”
Mark glances at their joined hands, smiling knowingly.
“I have so many mixed up feelings about my father already without having to figure out how to grieve him,” Youngjae whispers, almost afraid to say the words aloud. “There’s not much you or anyone else can do about it, but…”
“What is it? Tell me what I can do, whatever it is.”
“Just…can I hold your hand?” Youngjae takes a deep breath as a tell-tale itch starts at the backs of his eyes. “Like, for an embarrassingly long time?”
Mark gently squeezes Youngjae’s hand. When Youngjae’s breath starts to hitch and his hand begins to shake, Mark thumbs calming circles on the back of Youngjae’s hand.