i'm sorry, the janty you're looking for isnt here right now.
i go to school, but at the same time, i dont. i signed up for 5 classes. i dropped one, i havnt shown up for another yet, and i skip my italian class because not being able to afford the book discourages me.
i'm broke. i make stupid decisions that leave me with no money. i already have to follow a strict budget, but i can never follow it. too many random expenses.
i think one of the worst feelings is not having anything to look forward to.
i'm not too concerned about things anymore. i got a ticket a while ago, completely my fault for being a jackass. dont care. i dont have enough money. i dont care, i'll get by. not showing up to my classes? oh, me, concerned? no, never. i suppose i've numbed myself from discouragement due to something that happened to me.
because i stuck too long in this situation, and ive been discouraged with every passing day, i learn to live with it, and i dont really care anymore. wait no, thats not true, i care, but i just accept it.
people become worried because i dont care about things. i tell them i'm not really concerned, and they really shouldnt be either, which makes them even more worried. well, you cant fix something you dont care for eh? or in other words, you cant fix it if you dont want to.
life is getting stale. i'm looking forward to warm weather and longer days. home doesnt feel like home. i'd rather drive around and smoke. i really need a hangout that i can go to afterwork.
for some reason i still think its 5 months ago and i expect things that i shouldnt. make up your mind. either end this and stop talking to me, or just listen for once.
i'm a loser now and i write in a journal sometimes and i even wrote a few poems cause i'm a fag.
here's one:
It’s Just Easier
I can be nice
I can say all the things you want to hear
I can go out of my way to make you happy
I can do anything for you
But I can’t expect what you’ll do
Because expectations lead to disappointment
False hopes and sad hearts
Putting in so much to not get what you think you would
If being nice leads to high hopes
And high hopes lead to steep falls
Then it might just be easier to not be warm and friendly
And rather be cold and uninviting
This way I’ll know what to expect
Being cranky leads to a one way street
Whereas being mister nice guy leads to a circle or an intersection
Aimlessly lost with no map to guide you
I do this because it’s easier to live
Not because it’s how I want to live
Believe you me, when I think about you I still feel the same way
But I can’t show it, because you won’t reach my hopes
It’s true I do this to myself
But I knew this would come if things went down this path
I kept my foot in the door too long
And now you’re not even bothering to shut it anymore
It’s what I warned you about before things got messy
It’s what you were afraid that would happen had we accepted each other
But I knew that even if we didn’t
Things would still turn out like this
Had things gone the other way
I would never have to force myself to be callous
Maybe I can find a middle ground
And use ignorance to guide me to bliss
So next time you wonder why I’m grumpy
When I’m giving you an attitude for no reason
Please remember, I’m showing you this side forcefully
Because I can’t see the side I hope from you willingly
"wow," she muttered through her speechlessness after she read this. i kinda wish she never did though.
here's another:
Accepting
This is my wake up call
To realize that I’m not in the past anymore
And that life goes on
That we’re still here, but not with each other
But you’re still with me
Even when you think you’ve faded out of me
I’ve just come to accept reality
And given you your space and respect
I don’t want to accept this news
But I can’t ignore it
When worst case scenarios get too real
What else could I do?
I thought I was being silly
I didn’t know what to think
If I should be upset with this news
Or if I should accept it like everything else
Of course I’m upset
It felt like a punch in the heart
But I’m still here
I feel that I always will be
I’ve accepted it, just like everything else
And with everything else, I feel that I learn a little bit more each time
So that I won’t trip on my mistakes
And so that I won’t trip on myself
When you truly care for someone, you hold on until the very end
Through everything that you have to go through
Keep your chin high and ride your hopes
Follow your heart and your mind will respect you.
I can go somewhere else, with someone else
She wouldn’t mean a thing to me
And I know deep down I’ll wish it were you
I will sit here and watch from the sidelines, hoping I get my chance to play
yeah, theyre not great or anything, but they came from inside me, which makes it so much better in my eyes.
enough of this. janty doesnt have feelings. he has a cold, black heart. its a lie!! a lie i tell you!! now excuse me while i go grow a vagina.
so today i was sitting in my class and i found it really hard to pay attention. my professor kept going on about the odyssey, and i was sitting there and i'm like "man, it would be so cool if she just brought this class down to an elementary level. like, she'd just end the lesson and be like 'recess' and take a kick ball out of her bag" at that point, i knew my active imagination paired up with my habit of daydreaming 24/7 would make it impossible for me to pay attention. not like it matters anyways.
i still really want to learn to play guitar. its just too bad i never have free time anymore. if i'm off of work for two days in a row, i dont know what to do with myself. its pathetic, but when work becomes your life, when you're not there you dont know where you should be.
i was offered another job from this woman i met at shoprite. $10 an hour for doing some office work in paramus. but everytime i call her, its busy. i need spare $$
uhh shoprite stories? i have 10000. i think dumbasses have lost their luster, so i'm just used to stupidity and fresh attitudes by now. havnt had anything too memorable though. a good story these days is when someone threatens my life, or tells me off. wait.. wait.. i think i can remember a story.. fuck.. cant remember details.. well the outcome was that she told me off and said i should be taken out of customer service. and i think i thanked her and granted her a nice day.
lately i've just wanted to destroy stuff at work. things can set me off, but i'm overall more mellow. when people annoy me, i want to punch a hole in the wall. when my coworkers bother me, i walk away like i dont even acknowledge them.
i lost something. or i'm missing it. i'm not looking at the big picture and i'm focusing too much on little things which upset me, and thus i force myself to be quiet and keep to myself. not only that, but i sometimes dont think. literally. my brain becomes dead weight.
i think i died.
this happens every year. its probably just the weather.
haha i crack myself up. ciao.
i'm broke. i make stupid decisions that leave me with no money. i already have to follow a strict budget, but i can never follow it. too many random expenses.
i think one of the worst feelings is not having anything to look forward to.
i'm not too concerned about things anymore. i got a ticket a while ago, completely my fault for being a jackass. dont care. i dont have enough money. i dont care, i'll get by. not showing up to my classes? oh, me, concerned? no, never. i suppose i've numbed myself from discouragement due to something that happened to me.
because i stuck too long in this situation, and ive been discouraged with every passing day, i learn to live with it, and i dont really care anymore. wait no, thats not true, i care, but i just accept it.
people become worried because i dont care about things. i tell them i'm not really concerned, and they really shouldnt be either, which makes them even more worried. well, you cant fix something you dont care for eh? or in other words, you cant fix it if you dont want to.
life is getting stale. i'm looking forward to warm weather and longer days. home doesnt feel like home. i'd rather drive around and smoke. i really need a hangout that i can go to afterwork.
for some reason i still think its 5 months ago and i expect things that i shouldnt. make up your mind. either end this and stop talking to me, or just listen for once.
i'm a loser now and i write in a journal sometimes and i even wrote a few poems cause i'm a fag.
here's one:
It’s Just Easier
I can be nice
I can say all the things you want to hear
I can go out of my way to make you happy
I can do anything for you
But I can’t expect what you’ll do
Because expectations lead to disappointment
False hopes and sad hearts
Putting in so much to not get what you think you would
If being nice leads to high hopes
And high hopes lead to steep falls
Then it might just be easier to not be warm and friendly
And rather be cold and uninviting
This way I’ll know what to expect
Being cranky leads to a one way street
Whereas being mister nice guy leads to a circle or an intersection
Aimlessly lost with no map to guide you
I do this because it’s easier to live
Not because it’s how I want to live
Believe you me, when I think about you I still feel the same way
But I can’t show it, because you won’t reach my hopes
It’s true I do this to myself
But I knew this would come if things went down this path
I kept my foot in the door too long
And now you’re not even bothering to shut it anymore
It’s what I warned you about before things got messy
It’s what you were afraid that would happen had we accepted each other
But I knew that even if we didn’t
Things would still turn out like this
Had things gone the other way
I would never have to force myself to be callous
Maybe I can find a middle ground
And use ignorance to guide me to bliss
So next time you wonder why I’m grumpy
When I’m giving you an attitude for no reason
Please remember, I’m showing you this side forcefully
Because I can’t see the side I hope from you willingly
"wow," she muttered through her speechlessness after she read this. i kinda wish she never did though.
here's another:
Accepting
This is my wake up call
To realize that I’m not in the past anymore
And that life goes on
That we’re still here, but not with each other
But you’re still with me
Even when you think you’ve faded out of me
I’ve just come to accept reality
And given you your space and respect
I don’t want to accept this news
But I can’t ignore it
When worst case scenarios get too real
What else could I do?
I thought I was being silly
I didn’t know what to think
If I should be upset with this news
Or if I should accept it like everything else
Of course I’m upset
It felt like a punch in the heart
But I’m still here
I feel that I always will be
I’ve accepted it, just like everything else
And with everything else, I feel that I learn a little bit more each time
So that I won’t trip on my mistakes
And so that I won’t trip on myself
When you truly care for someone, you hold on until the very end
Through everything that you have to go through
Keep your chin high and ride your hopes
Follow your heart and your mind will respect you.
I can go somewhere else, with someone else
She wouldn’t mean a thing to me
And I know deep down I’ll wish it were you
I will sit here and watch from the sidelines, hoping I get my chance to play
yeah, theyre not great or anything, but they came from inside me, which makes it so much better in my eyes.
enough of this. janty doesnt have feelings. he has a cold, black heart. its a lie!! a lie i tell you!! now excuse me while i go grow a vagina.
so today i was sitting in my class and i found it really hard to pay attention. my professor kept going on about the odyssey, and i was sitting there and i'm like "man, it would be so cool if she just brought this class down to an elementary level. like, she'd just end the lesson and be like 'recess' and take a kick ball out of her bag" at that point, i knew my active imagination paired up with my habit of daydreaming 24/7 would make it impossible for me to pay attention. not like it matters anyways.
i still really want to learn to play guitar. its just too bad i never have free time anymore. if i'm off of work for two days in a row, i dont know what to do with myself. its pathetic, but when work becomes your life, when you're not there you dont know where you should be.
i was offered another job from this woman i met at shoprite. $10 an hour for doing some office work in paramus. but everytime i call her, its busy. i need spare $$
uhh shoprite stories? i have 10000. i think dumbasses have lost their luster, so i'm just used to stupidity and fresh attitudes by now. havnt had anything too memorable though. a good story these days is when someone threatens my life, or tells me off. wait.. wait.. i think i can remember a story.. fuck.. cant remember details.. well the outcome was that she told me off and said i should be taken out of customer service. and i think i thanked her and granted her a nice day.
lately i've just wanted to destroy stuff at work. things can set me off, but i'm overall more mellow. when people annoy me, i want to punch a hole in the wall. when my coworkers bother me, i walk away like i dont even acknowledge them.
i lost something. or i'm missing it. i'm not looking at the big picture and i'm focusing too much on little things which upset me, and thus i force myself to be quiet and keep to myself. not only that, but i sometimes dont think. literally. my brain becomes dead weight.
i think i died.
this happens every year. its probably just the weather.
haha i crack myself up. ciao.