MST: The Fatal Pastry
I almost feel bad about MST-ing this. ALMOST.
Because it's also fucking hilarious. The fic itself. It's hilarious.
This also may just win the record for fastest prompt-fic-MST, a fact which amuses my hubby greatly.
I'd apologize for this... but hey, I do it for the lulz.
Oh, and there's a random movie ref in there... see if you can't spot it!!
HOUSE: For screwing up the POTW, you’re being punished.
THIRTEEN: Oh no.
HOUSE: You got it. Bad!fic.
TAUB: Wilson didn’t screw up, though. Why is he here?
WILSON: For the lulz.
HOUSE: POSITIONS!
THIRTEEN: *readies morphine*
TAUB: *readies Ativan*
KUTNER: *readies paddles*
FOREMAN: *readies self*
WILSON: *sits next to House*
HOUSE: *begins reading*
Title: The Fatal Pastry
WILSON: NO READING TITLES.
HOUSE: It’s not the ACTUAL one, but it’s similar enough.
THIRTEEN: I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
HOUSE: Laugh. Definitely. *does evil cackle*
Summary: Wilson struggles with a terminal illness.
WILSON: *prays* Please tell me it’s not cancer, please tell me it’s not cancer, please tell me it’s not cancer.
HOUSE: No, knowing bad!fic, you’re going to have cnercer.
WILSON: That’s even worse! There’s no treatment for cnercer.
HOUSE: You said you didn’t want cancer!
Author's note: this story is going to be very very dark.
HOUSE: *digs out flashlights* Now, we’ll be able to see it.
This is my second fanfic, I know I'm not done with the other one but i heard this idea from
HOUSE: Er, someone on something. Not important.
WILSON: What worries me is that this isn’t her first.
i didn't know what an aids pie was so i asked him, and he said that it's a pie made by someone with aids, and you can get aids from eating it. i asked if this was true and he said yeah it was and i was like ok, i'll write the fic.
WILSON: Okay, we’re stopping. This is clearly not a real fic.
HOUSE: Dude, it has an AIDS!pie. We are so reading this. Besides, comments show that this is, in fact, a real fic.
TAUB: I fear for humanity.
KUTNER: I wonder what an AIDS!pie tastes like…
HOUSE: Ask Cameron to make you one then.
"Doctor House?" A manly voice asked.
FOREMAN: FIRST line and already we have a grammar error. DO NOT capitalize after someone speaks, unless it’s a new sentence.
HOUSE: Why are you fixating on THAT? We have random manly voices walking around here!
House looked up to see an ex-patient at his door.
KUTNER: They’re slightly better than ex-girlfriends.
TAUB: But not nearly as bad as ex-in-laws.
ALL: *shudder*
The man had stylish brown hair and was wearing a white wife beater and jeans and was very attractive.
FOREMAN: I’ve decided to revoke this person’s right to use the word ‘and’. It’s not a catch-all, my friend. You have to use your friend the comma occasionally.
HOUSE: A wife beater? We need to call the cops. This man is wearing an abuser!
WILSON: Shhh! You might invoke…
TRITTER: Did someone call for a cop?
WILSON: Too late.
"What?" House asked.
"I baked you a pie. I'll just...leave it here." The patient said timidly, walking in quickly and setting the pie on House's desk.
FOREMAN: And again, when someone speaks…
TAUB: You have to put a comma and not capitalize!
HOUSE: *speculative look*
TRITTER: Aha! He’s bringing you drugs! I’ve got you this time!
HOUSE: Seriously, very old. Go, get! Before Kutner demonstrates his Paddle Powers to you.
KUTNER: *waves Paddles ominously*
TRITTER: *runs*
House contemplated the pie, which was in a blue box, and at that moment knew exactly just what to do with it.
THIRTEEN: If it’s in a blue box, how can you contemplate the pie?
HOUSEWILSONOTPHOUSEWILSONOTPHOUSEWILSONOTP
ALL: *stare at it*
HOUSE: Oh! It says “House Wilson OTP.” I got it.
WILSON: At least there’s a smidgen of truth in this.
"I made you a pie. Here." House said, dumping the pie on Wilson's desk. Wilson looked at House, one eyebrow raised slightly and his other eye slightly more to the left than it should be.
WILSON: *tries this out* This isn’t possible!
HOUSE: “slightly more to the left”? WTF?
THIRTEEN: Wouldn’t dumping the pie be deleterious?
HOUSE: Did it already speed through someone’s digestive tract?
EVERYONE ELSE: *loud groan*
"Do you think...this is going to make up for what happened to Amber?" Wilson asked.
TAUB: Because you clearly can’t bring a pie to your friend without it bringing back CB.
WILSON: Well, if it’s anyone but House.
The younger doctor was still not over what the older doctor had done to the even younger doctor, and the crippled older doctor was constantly trying to make amends.
EVERYONE: HUH?
KUTNER: Gordian knots! I go cut it in half. It might make more sense that way.
FOREMAN: They have names. This is just… confusing.
HOUSE: You know, I’m really sick of the “Oh noes, Wilson is angry at me!” shit. I nearly fucking died trying to save her.
WILSON: *snuggles* There, there.
HOUSE: *snuggles*
"No. It's just...it's a pie, Wilson, OK? Deal with it." House said, storming out of the room as best he could.
HOUSE: I have a thunderstorm in a bottle for those days.
HOUSEWILSONOTPHOUSEWILSONOTPHOUSEWILSONOTP
It was midnight when House received the phone call. He ignored it, waiting for the voice mail.
HOUSE: Hey look! It’s a well-written, IC sentence.
"House. It's the patient from before.
HOUSE: I might think of them that way, but do THEY think of themselves that way?
THIRTEEN: You’d think they’d use their names.
HOUSE: Like you do, Thirteen?
THIRTEEN: Touche.
Look, I have to tell you something. Don't eat the pie. I got tested for AIDS so the pie might have AIDS and you might get the AIDS from the pie."
ALL: *laugh*
HOUSE: *wiping tears out of his eyes* Oh, that is great. I can’t believe this.
WILSON: This is gonna be like that “Sex Change For Jesus” fic, isn’t it? As in, it’s not real!
This revelation jerked the doctor awake
HOUSE: If I was ignoring the phone before, I was awake. Maybe it startled me into action, but it did not jerk me awake.
FOREMAN and TAUB: Hey, that’s my job!
and he called Wilson, praying that the other doctor would pick up before the pie was eaten. But it was too late. Unknown to House,
THIRTEEN: Of course it’s unknown to House. If he knew it, he wouldn’t be calling Wilson.
Wilson had stress ate almost half the pie with Phish Food ice cream.
FOREMAN: Is that sentence even English?
WILSON: I don’t just randomly stuff food into my mouth all day.
HOUSE: Phish Food ice cream? Sounds an awful lot like “Sweet Tooth”…
HOUSE and WILSON: EEWW! THIS TASTES LIKE AN ORANGE FOOT!
"Hello?" Wilson asked after swallowing a bite of the fatal pastry.
ALL: *laugh*
HOUSE: That is still a great line.
WILSON: It is a dark and stormy night. The pastry came in with a knife…
HOUSE: Don’t kill it!
"Wilson, don't eat the pie. It has AIDS."
HOUSE: *as fic!House* Yes, we got the test results back, and it turns out it’s HIV-positive.
WILSON: *as fic!Wilson* But how ever did you draw blood from the pie, House?
HOUSE: *as fic!House* Strawberry filling is kinda like blood, right?
They were silent for a moment.
"What?" Wilson asked.
"The pie has AIDS. Don't eat it, or else you might get AIDS."
HOUSE: The pie is very sentient. Don’t eat it, because it also may be angry at you.
The line went dead.
HOUSE: Like Wilson will in a couple of minutes.
THIRTEEN: Is that it? Where’s the struggle?
HOUSE: I suppose that would’ve been Part Two, except after the bevy of comments she got asking if this fic is for real, she probably won’t.
KUTNER: I kinda feel bad now….
HOUSE: Oh, grow up! If you inflict shit like this on people, don’t expect “OMG GRATE FIC!”
TAUB: That was mercifully short.
FOREMAN: I hate House. I hate House. I hate House. I hate House… *aware suddenly that everyone is staring at him.* What? My therapist says it’s important for me to have a mantra.
WILSON: Well, I’m going back to my office. Coming, House?
HOUSE: Oh yeah!
Because it's also fucking hilarious. The fic itself. It's hilarious.
This also may just win the record for fastest prompt-fic-MST, a fact which amuses my hubby greatly.
I'd apologize for this... but hey, I do it for the lulz.
Oh, and there's a random movie ref in there... see if you can't spot it!!
HOUSE: For screwing up the POTW, you’re being punished.
THIRTEEN: Oh no.
HOUSE: You got it. Bad!fic.
TAUB: Wilson didn’t screw up, though. Why is he here?
WILSON: For the lulz.
HOUSE: POSITIONS!
THIRTEEN: *readies morphine*
TAUB: *readies Ativan*
KUTNER: *readies paddles*
FOREMAN: *readies self*
WILSON: *sits next to House*
HOUSE: *begins reading*
Title: The Fatal Pastry
WILSON: NO READING TITLES.
HOUSE: It’s not the ACTUAL one, but it’s similar enough.
THIRTEEN: I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
HOUSE: Laugh. Definitely. *does evil cackle*
Summary: Wilson struggles with a terminal illness.
WILSON: *prays* Please tell me it’s not cancer, please tell me it’s not cancer, please tell me it’s not cancer.
HOUSE: No, knowing bad!fic, you’re going to have cnercer.
WILSON: That’s even worse! There’s no treatment for cnercer.
HOUSE: You said you didn’t want cancer!
Author's note: this story is going to be very very dark.
HOUSE: *digs out flashlights* Now, we’ll be able to see it.
This is my second fanfic, I know I'm not done with the other one but i heard this idea from
HOUSE: Er, someone on something. Not important.
WILSON: What worries me is that this isn’t her first.
i didn't know what an aids pie was so i asked him, and he said that it's a pie made by someone with aids, and you can get aids from eating it. i asked if this was true and he said yeah it was and i was like ok, i'll write the fic.
WILSON: Okay, we’re stopping. This is clearly not a real fic.
HOUSE: Dude, it has an AIDS!pie. We are so reading this. Besides, comments show that this is, in fact, a real fic.
TAUB: I fear for humanity.
KUTNER: I wonder what an AIDS!pie tastes like…
HOUSE: Ask Cameron to make you one then.
"Doctor House?" A manly voice asked.
FOREMAN: FIRST line and already we have a grammar error. DO NOT capitalize after someone speaks, unless it’s a new sentence.
HOUSE: Why are you fixating on THAT? We have random manly voices walking around here!
House looked up to see an ex-patient at his door.
KUTNER: They’re slightly better than ex-girlfriends.
TAUB: But not nearly as bad as ex-in-laws.
ALL: *shudder*
The man had stylish brown hair and was wearing a white wife beater and jeans and was very attractive.
FOREMAN: I’ve decided to revoke this person’s right to use the word ‘and’. It’s not a catch-all, my friend. You have to use your friend the comma occasionally.
HOUSE: A wife beater? We need to call the cops. This man is wearing an abuser!
WILSON: Shhh! You might invoke…
TRITTER: Did someone call for a cop?
WILSON: Too late.
"What?" House asked.
"I baked you a pie. I'll just...leave it here." The patient said timidly, walking in quickly and setting the pie on House's desk.
FOREMAN: And again, when someone speaks…
TAUB: You have to put a comma and not capitalize!
HOUSE: *speculative look*
TRITTER: Aha! He’s bringing you drugs! I’ve got you this time!
HOUSE: Seriously, very old. Go, get! Before Kutner demonstrates his Paddle Powers to you.
KUTNER: *waves Paddles ominously*
TRITTER: *runs*
House contemplated the pie, which was in a blue box, and at that moment knew exactly just what to do with it.
THIRTEEN: If it’s in a blue box, how can you contemplate the pie?
HOUSEWILSONOTPHOUSEWILSONOTPHOUSEWILSONOTP
ALL: *stare at it*
HOUSE: Oh! It says “House Wilson OTP.” I got it.
WILSON: At least there’s a smidgen of truth in this.
"I made you a pie. Here." House said, dumping the pie on Wilson's desk. Wilson looked at House, one eyebrow raised slightly and his other eye slightly more to the left than it should be.
WILSON: *tries this out* This isn’t possible!
HOUSE: “slightly more to the left”? WTF?
THIRTEEN: Wouldn’t dumping the pie be deleterious?
HOUSE: Did it already speed through someone’s digestive tract?
EVERYONE ELSE: *loud groan*
"Do you think...this is going to make up for what happened to Amber?" Wilson asked.
TAUB: Because you clearly can’t bring a pie to your friend without it bringing back CB.
WILSON: Well, if it’s anyone but House.
The younger doctor was still not over what the older doctor had done to the even younger doctor, and the crippled older doctor was constantly trying to make amends.
EVERYONE: HUH?
KUTNER: Gordian knots! I go cut it in half. It might make more sense that way.
FOREMAN: They have names. This is just… confusing.
HOUSE: You know, I’m really sick of the “Oh noes, Wilson is angry at me!” shit. I nearly fucking died trying to save her.
WILSON: *snuggles* There, there.
HOUSE: *snuggles*
"No. It's just...it's a pie, Wilson, OK? Deal with it." House said, storming out of the room as best he could.
HOUSE: I have a thunderstorm in a bottle for those days.
HOUSEWILSONOTPHOUSEWILSONOTPHOUSEWILSONOTP
It was midnight when House received the phone call. He ignored it, waiting for the voice mail.
HOUSE: Hey look! It’s a well-written, IC sentence.
"House. It's the patient from before.
HOUSE: I might think of them that way, but do THEY think of themselves that way?
THIRTEEN: You’d think they’d use their names.
HOUSE: Like you do, Thirteen?
THIRTEEN: Touche.
Look, I have to tell you something. Don't eat the pie. I got tested for AIDS so the pie might have AIDS and you might get the AIDS from the pie."
ALL: *laugh*
HOUSE: *wiping tears out of his eyes* Oh, that is great. I can’t believe this.
WILSON: This is gonna be like that “Sex Change For Jesus” fic, isn’t it? As in, it’s not real!
This revelation jerked the doctor awake
HOUSE: If I was ignoring the phone before, I was awake. Maybe it startled me into action, but it did not jerk me awake.
FOREMAN and TAUB: Hey, that’s my job!
and he called Wilson, praying that the other doctor would pick up before the pie was eaten. But it was too late. Unknown to House,
THIRTEEN: Of course it’s unknown to House. If he knew it, he wouldn’t be calling Wilson.
Wilson had stress ate almost half the pie with Phish Food ice cream.
FOREMAN: Is that sentence even English?
WILSON: I don’t just randomly stuff food into my mouth all day.
HOUSE: Phish Food ice cream? Sounds an awful lot like “Sweet Tooth”…
HOUSE and WILSON: EEWW! THIS TASTES LIKE AN ORANGE FOOT!
"Hello?" Wilson asked after swallowing a bite of the fatal pastry.
ALL: *laugh*
HOUSE: That is still a great line.
WILSON: It is a dark and stormy night. The pastry came in with a knife…
HOUSE: Don’t kill it!
"Wilson, don't eat the pie. It has AIDS."
HOUSE: *as fic!House* Yes, we got the test results back, and it turns out it’s HIV-positive.
WILSON: *as fic!Wilson* But how ever did you draw blood from the pie, House?
HOUSE: *as fic!House* Strawberry filling is kinda like blood, right?
They were silent for a moment.
"What?" Wilson asked.
"The pie has AIDS. Don't eat it, or else you might get AIDS."
HOUSE: The pie is very sentient. Don’t eat it, because it also may be angry at you.
The line went dead.
HOUSE: Like Wilson will in a couple of minutes.
THIRTEEN: Is that it? Where’s the struggle?
HOUSE: I suppose that would’ve been Part Two, except after the bevy of comments she got asking if this fic is for real, she probably won’t.
KUTNER: I kinda feel bad now….
HOUSE: Oh, grow up! If you inflict shit like this on people, don’t expect “OMG GRATE FIC!”
TAUB: That was mercifully short.
FOREMAN: I hate House. I hate House. I hate House. I hate House… *aware suddenly that everyone is staring at him.* What? My therapist says it’s important for me to have a mantra.
WILSON: Well, I’m going back to my office. Coming, House?
HOUSE: Oh yeah!