MST: In Lieu of the Cuddy's Thong Removal Challenge
Title: In Lieu of the Cuddy's Thong Removal Challenge
Author: Nemesis (Nems) -- well, of the MST, anyway.
Pairing: FIC: House/Wilson. MST: House/Wilson.
Rating: FIC: Um, PG, I guess. MST: PG-13, I s'pose
Warnings: It's an MST, so BAD!FIC. Just not MY bad!fic
Disclaimer: Okay. *munches some popcorn*. I'm watching the credits now... Wouldja look at that! They don't say "Nemesis" anywhere near there. Not even in the random tech stuffs. Guess it's not mine then!
(BUT! The bad!fic is NOT mine!)
A/N: Betaed by the truly incomparable benjimmy, my wonderful husband (who is intent on killing me with hot porn). I dedicate this MST to him with the hope that he laughs.
Dr. House is being forced would like to take this time and space to remind you that "puppies shouldn't be kicked, Chase is a whore, and reviews are love. Can I have a week off Clinic duty now?" Dr. Wilson would like to add, "Favorite lines are much appreciated, I'm told. Ditto for concrit." Nems likes reviews, they keep him writing lots and lots!
HOUSE: Do we have a case?
THIRTEEN: Well, no, not yet, but…
HOUSE: Remember the Cuddy’s Thong Challenge?
TAUB: The one you fired Cole for because he made a deal with Cuddy? Yes.
KUTNER: *perks up* Do we have to try to steal Cuddy’s thong again?
HOUSE: No. *sigh* Someone got annoyed that I was trying to steal her panties. *eyeroll*
FOREMAN: I always told you, sexually harassing your female boss is…
HOUSE: Wasn’t her. No, I have a different challenge for you. Now that you three officially work for me, you’re going to have to get used to this. Today is your first foray into the world of… Wait a minute. Where’s Wilson?
WILSON: *coming in* Right here. Sorry, I just got the page. What’s this about…
HOUSE: Shush, I haven’t told them yet. Now, welcome to the world of bad!fic.
THIRTEEN: Bad!fic?
WILSON: When business around here gets slow, House likes reading bad!fic about the doctors here at PPTH. And criticizing, because there’s no way to get through it otherwise. And it’s usually very, very bad.
FOREMAN: *resigned sigh* And resistance is futile. It’s actually in your contract. Should read the fine print before signing. And you know, I tried to make avoiding this part of the terms for coming back, but Cuddy said no. Damn the woman.
WILSON: Which reminds me: do we have everything set up?
HOUSE: Oh, right. Kutner, you’re in charge of the crash cart. Try not to electrocute yourself or set someone on fire this time. Taub, you’re in charge of the Ativan.
TAUB: Ativan?
WILSON: Foreman’s been known to seize from the bad grammar.
TAUB: Ah.
HOUSE: *distributes folders* I’m reading.
John House, former Marine pilot
FOREMAN: One, two, three, four, five. FIVE words in and already we’re missing a comma. Already.
sighed as he got into the rental car. His wife got into the passenger seat and sighed herself.
HOUSE: How do you sigh yourself?
WILSON: I think you sigh ‘myself’ or your name.
House: Begs the question, why is my mom sighing her name?
KUTNER: Unless she’s ple-
House: Do not go there.
"It was nice to see Greg."
John nodded. "I wish..." it
FOREMAN: Capitals!
HOUSE: Augusta, Maine. Concord, New Hampshire. Montpelier, Vermont. Boston, Massachusetts. Albany, New York. Providence, Rhode Island…
FOREMAN: Not what I meant.
WILSON: *impressed* You know the state capitals in geographic order?
HOUSE: Was bored during third grade. Can we continue?
was a familiar wish and he knew his wife understood. They both wished it, wished that their son was happy, not in pain, content.
"I wish you hadn't teased him," Blythe chided quietly.
A little embarrassed, he sighed again. "I don't why I did it."
HOUSE: Because he’s been doing it his entire life and he’s not one to break habit?
WILSON: Like father, like son, apparently.
HOUSE: The office for overused, trite proverbs is down the hall.
There was a comfortable silence, then a tentative knock on their window. John jumped slightly,
HOUSE: He was a Marine pilot. He’s trained for sudden noises and such. He would not jump at a tentative knock.
then smiled as he rolled it down. "James, how are you, son?"
Wilson smiled at House's parents. "I'm fine, did you get to see Greg?"
THIRTEEN: *intrigued* Do you call him Greg?
WILSON: Um… Yes.
HOUSE: Just not at work.
FOREMAN: *quick to distract from this train of thought* Does no one care about the inappropriately placed comma? It needs to be a semi-colon or a period.
HOUSE: You’re getting boring already.
"Yes, we ate with him in the cafeteria. We're sorry we missed you," Greg's mom said.
"I was involved in the same case, I'm sorry dinner didn't work out.
FOREMAN: Again! Really! Would it kill her to learn about proper sentence structure?
HOUSE: Probably not, but I’m guessing she doesn’t want to find out.
WILSON: I don’t know why not. She might end up as House’s patient and actually learn how to write our personalities.
I know Lisa Cuddy and House's ducklings were interested in meeting you."
"Ducklings?"
Wilson smiled wryly.
WILSON: Why am I smiling wryly? There’s no reason for it when explaining that’s what House called his staff.
HOUSE: Just another in your collection of odd facial expressions.
"That's what we call House's staff."
John and his wife chuckled. Then Blythe smacked him on the arm.
KUTNER: Ooh. Your mom’s pretty violent, isn’t she?
HOUSE: Fic!Blythe is, apparently. My mom, on the other hand…
"That pretty brunette you teased him with was probably one of them."
"Well damn, how was I supposed to know?" John winced.
HOUSE: Again, Marine pilot. A smack on the arm is not going to make him wince. And I doubt that he’s wincing over teasing me about Cameron.
James sighed inwardly. The dinner must have been a little tense.
HOUSE: Ya think?
"He'll get over it, a little teasing won't kill him."
WILSON: That at least sounds like your father.
HOUSE: Don’t remind me.
WILSON: Aww… Does House need a hug? *hugs House*
HOUSE: *snuggle* What? I’m gay, I’m out, I’m proud. Now, are you done ogling me and Wilson hugging?
WILSON: *rubs House’s arm as House continues to read aloud*
"So, when are you going to make my son happy?" Greg's mom asked as she peered up at him.
KUTNER: Yeah, I wouldn’t mind seeing that.
FOREMAN: Trust me, you would. *shakes head as if holding back memories*
HOUSE: *smirk*
THIRTEEN: Then what are we seeing now? *points to House and Wilson, still snuggling*
FOREMAN: They’ve done worse during our bad!fic sessions.
Wilson's eyes widened and he stammered slightly. "Um, well, I'm still married."
HOUSE: Has that ever stopped you before?
WILSON: House, shut up. *starts to move his arm*
HOUSE: Never mind. *snuggles*
TAUB: Ooo-kay. This is normal? The snuggling?
HOUSE: Shock value.
John House, old school, World War II vet, shook his head at him. "You'll never get a chance to be happy if you're with the wrong person, James. Greg's mom and I have been married for more years than I shake a stick at,
HOUSE: I think stick-shaking is my job. At least I have a stick.
WILSON: Two, I think.
HOUSE: If that’s how we’re counting, three.
WILSON: *blush*
FOREMAN: Moving on.
and we're still happy."
Stunned, all Wilson could do was stare.
"Look at him dear,
FOREMAN: *automatically* Comma. After the ‘him.’
KUTNER: What’s with you and commas?
WILSON: Foreman’s the Grammar Cop.
I think he's surprised. And don't think I missed that you couldn't remember how many years that we've been married."
John looked at his watch. "James, we have to go. Think about what we said."
Wilson watched, and waved automatically
FOREMAN: Oh, look, there’s an extra one. Think we can transplant it to the sentence above?
HOUSE: If you find the Grammar/Comma Transplant Team, I’ll sign off on an OR.
as Greg's parents drove off. He made it into the hospital without remembering the walk
HOUSE: This is probably why guidebooks don’t list parking lot to hospital as one of the Top 10 Scenic Routes in New Jersey.
WILSON: Given what New Jersey looks like, they might as well.
and ended up in Greg's office, collapsing in a chair, still in shock.
"Dr. Wilson, are you okay?"
He looked up to see Cameron watching him with concern. "Um, I'm fine." To get a little more privacy he went to the balcony and stared out into space. Thoughts raced through his head, his wife,
WILSON: My thoughts are racing through my wife! I knew there was still something between us!
their broken marriage,
TAUB: No, your thoughts are racing through your broken marriage!
House and his leg,
HOUSE: Oh no! My leg is a sentient being!
HOUSE’S LEG: Yes, I am. And I’m in constant pain! I don’t know why I’m still here, really! This is an outrage, what you do to me! And never enough drugs!
THIRTEEN: Emo little bastard, isn’t he?
HOUSE: Usually yes. *pops a Vicodin to shut leg up*
the fact that Greg's parents had given their blessing for he and Greg to get together,
TAUB: Thoughts are racing through facts now!
HOUSE: Well, you know how facts are! Never stop thinking, they.
something he hasn't even realized he wanted until now.
WILSON: Doesn’t say a whole lot for our chances, does it? I mean, if I don’t realize I want to be with you until your parents mention it.
HOUSE: Does sound rather like Fiddler on the Roof.
WILSON & HOUSE: *singing* Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…
THIRTEEN: Can we just get back to the bad!fic and get this over with?
And that brought up the fact that they were not surprised, and that meant that Greg...
HOUSE: Hates it when author-people - which is saying a lot, actually, giving them that credit - call him ‘Greg.’ I let… four people call me Greg. Author person isn’t one of them.
"Hey, Cameron said you looked like you'd been hit by a double-decker bus.
KUTNER: Are you secretly British?
HOUSE: Not that I know of. And neither’s Cameron.
Are you alright?"
FOREMAN: *scoffs* Right, that sounds just like you. Caring.
WILSON: Well, actually, he can be very caring.
HOUSE: *leer* Yes, I can.
WILSON: *eyesex*
HOUSE: *eyesex*
FOREMAN, THIRTEEN, TAUB, and KUTNER: *quickly* I don’t want to know.
House limped up to frown at his best friend thoughtfully.
HOUSE: Look at me! I can limp thoughtfully!
"I just said good-bye to your parents," Wilson said as he turned around.
House eyed him. There was a shell-shocked look, and a sparkle in James' eyes that made him raise his own eyebrows.
FOREMAN: Another extra comma. Probably to make up for all the missing ones!
"Well, that would you give you that look. That or constipation."
Wilson smiled. "And they gave me their blessings."
Alarm bells started to ring belatedly
HOUSE: Says a whole lot that alarm bells are ringing, doesn’t it? I think we’re doomed from the start. Am I fic!ex-Mrs. Wilson #4?
WILSON: Actually, in this fic, I’m only at two exes.
HOUSE: Don’t worry, you’ll be divorcing fic!Mrs. Wilson #3 soon enough.
as Wilson moved closer to him, grabbing his lapels and pulling him in for a heart-stopping kiss.
KUTNER: I got the crash cart! *moves to shock House and Wilson*
HOUSE: Get off!
WILSON: Have you lost your mind?
KUTNER: I thought I was in charge of the cart! It clearly said ‘heart-stopping’
HOUSE: Then shock fic!House and fic!Wilson. You really need to learn the difference. *to Wilson, in a childish tone* He hurt me.
WILSON: Aw, poor you. *hugs again*
HOUSE: *snuggle*
KUTNER: *awkward stammering*
When the need to breathe became absolutely necessary,
HOUSE: When is it not?
WILSON: Apparently, when we’re kissing.
HOUSE: *speculative gleam* Wanna test that? *kisses Wilson*
THIRTEEN: *stares at clock*
FOREMAN: *stares at coffee machine*
TAUB: *stares at glass table*
KUTNER: *stares at House and Wilson, half-aroused, half-heart broken*
HOUSE: *pulling away* Okay, author-person wins this point.
WILSON: *smiles* Yes, I think she does.
House lifted his head and stared. "Did you say my parents said that this was okay?"
"I know," James laughed softly. "Color me surprised."
HOUSE: Magenta, sienna, baby blue, forget-me-not blue, mustard, sunshine, burnt orange…
THIRTEEN: What are you doing?
HOUSE: Looking for surprised in my crayon set. Can’t find it.
House gave him a look for understatement of the year. "Yeah, surprised would be one way of putting it. They ~do~ know that you're married, right?"
TAUB: Uh… have they forgotten how to italicize?
FOREMAN: At least they tried to point out they’re emphasizing something.
"Your dad, and yes, I said ~your dad~ said I'd never be happy if I was with the wrong person."
FOREMAN: Missing a comma again. After ‘your dad.’
A little shell-shocked himself, Greg shook it off and grinned. "We get to tell your folks next."
"Oy vey," was all James said as he rested his head on House's chest.
HOUSE: And they all lived happily ever after, the end.
THIRTEEN: Okay. This wasn’t awful. I mean, it wasn’t great, but I’m sure there’s worse.
HOUSE: *sigh* Wilson talked me into giving you a not-so-bad bad!fic for starters. Sorta ease you in. *shrug* I don’t know why.
KUTNER: *intrigued* How’d he manage to talk you into that?
FOREMAN: You don’t want to know.
KUTNER: Oh, come on! We saw them kiss! How much worse can it get?
HOUSE: He denied sex. After turning me on. Walking around the apartment half-naked… walking around with just a towel around his waist, water still dripping down him from the shower…
KUTNER: Never mind.
WILSON: *groans* House!
TAUB: *valiantly ignoring that* So, does this happen often? This bad!fic reading?
FOREMAN: Yes. And it gets much much worse.
KUTNER: So, why can’t we try and steal Cuddy’s panties again?
THIRTEEN: *eyeroll*
HOUSE: I told you: someone got pissy that I was trying to steal her panties.
KUTNER: Yeah, but when do you listen to anybody?
WILSON: He does if sex is being denied.
HOUSE: *eyesex*
WILSON: *eyesex*
KUTNER: *blush* Okay. Just bad!fic, then? No Cuddy Thong Removal Challenge?
FOREMAN: *confirms* Just bad!fic.
Author: Nemesis (Nems) -- well, of the MST, anyway.
Pairing: FIC: House/Wilson. MST: House/Wilson.
Rating: FIC: Um, PG, I guess. MST: PG-13, I s'pose
Warnings: It's an MST, so BAD!FIC. Just not MY bad!fic
Disclaimer: Okay. *munches some popcorn*. I'm watching the credits now... Wouldja look at that! They don't say "Nemesis" anywhere near there. Not even in the random tech stuffs. Guess it's not mine then!
(BUT! The bad!fic is NOT mine!)
A/N: Betaed by the truly incomparable benjimmy, my wonderful husband (who is intent on killing me with hot porn). I dedicate this MST to him with the hope that he laughs.
Dr. House is being forced would like to take this time and space to remind you that "puppies shouldn't be kicked, Chase is a whore, and reviews are love. Can I have a week off Clinic duty now?" Dr. Wilson would like to add, "Favorite lines are much appreciated, I'm told. Ditto for concrit." Nems likes reviews, they keep him writing lots and lots!
HOUSE: Do we have a case?
THIRTEEN: Well, no, not yet, but…
HOUSE: Remember the Cuddy’s Thong Challenge?
TAUB: The one you fired Cole for because he made a deal with Cuddy? Yes.
KUTNER: *perks up* Do we have to try to steal Cuddy’s thong again?
HOUSE: No. *sigh* Someone got annoyed that I was trying to steal her panties. *eyeroll*
FOREMAN: I always told you, sexually harassing your female boss is…
HOUSE: Wasn’t her. No, I have a different challenge for you. Now that you three officially work for me, you’re going to have to get used to this. Today is your first foray into the world of… Wait a minute. Where’s Wilson?
WILSON: *coming in* Right here. Sorry, I just got the page. What’s this about…
HOUSE: Shush, I haven’t told them yet. Now, welcome to the world of bad!fic.
THIRTEEN: Bad!fic?
WILSON: When business around here gets slow, House likes reading bad!fic about the doctors here at PPTH. And criticizing, because there’s no way to get through it otherwise. And it’s usually very, very bad.
FOREMAN: *resigned sigh* And resistance is futile. It’s actually in your contract. Should read the fine print before signing. And you know, I tried to make avoiding this part of the terms for coming back, but Cuddy said no. Damn the woman.
WILSON: Which reminds me: do we have everything set up?
HOUSE: Oh, right. Kutner, you’re in charge of the crash cart. Try not to electrocute yourself or set someone on fire this time. Taub, you’re in charge of the Ativan.
TAUB: Ativan?
WILSON: Foreman’s been known to seize from the bad grammar.
TAUB: Ah.
HOUSE: *distributes folders* I’m reading.
John House, former Marine pilot
FOREMAN: One, two, three, four, five. FIVE words in and already we’re missing a comma. Already.
sighed as he got into the rental car. His wife got into the passenger seat and sighed herself.
HOUSE: How do you sigh yourself?
WILSON: I think you sigh ‘myself’ or your name.
House: Begs the question, why is my mom sighing her name?
KUTNER: Unless she’s ple-
House: Do not go there.
"It was nice to see Greg."
John nodded. "I wish..." it
FOREMAN: Capitals!
HOUSE: Augusta, Maine. Concord, New Hampshire. Montpelier, Vermont. Boston, Massachusetts. Albany, New York. Providence, Rhode Island…
FOREMAN: Not what I meant.
WILSON: *impressed* You know the state capitals in geographic order?
HOUSE: Was bored during third grade. Can we continue?
was a familiar wish and he knew his wife understood. They both wished it, wished that their son was happy, not in pain, content.
"I wish you hadn't teased him," Blythe chided quietly.
A little embarrassed, he sighed again. "I don't why I did it."
HOUSE: Because he’s been doing it his entire life and he’s not one to break habit?
WILSON: Like father, like son, apparently.
HOUSE: The office for overused, trite proverbs is down the hall.
There was a comfortable silence, then a tentative knock on their window. John jumped slightly,
HOUSE: He was a Marine pilot. He’s trained for sudden noises and such. He would not jump at a tentative knock.
then smiled as he rolled it down. "James, how are you, son?"
Wilson smiled at House's parents. "I'm fine, did you get to see Greg?"
THIRTEEN: *intrigued* Do you call him Greg?
WILSON: Um… Yes.
HOUSE: Just not at work.
FOREMAN: *quick to distract from this train of thought* Does no one care about the inappropriately placed comma? It needs to be a semi-colon or a period.
HOUSE: You’re getting boring already.
"Yes, we ate with him in the cafeteria. We're sorry we missed you," Greg's mom said.
"I was involved in the same case, I'm sorry dinner didn't work out.
FOREMAN: Again! Really! Would it kill her to learn about proper sentence structure?
HOUSE: Probably not, but I’m guessing she doesn’t want to find out.
WILSON: I don’t know why not. She might end up as House’s patient and actually learn how to write our personalities.
I know Lisa Cuddy and House's ducklings were interested in meeting you."
"Ducklings?"
Wilson smiled wryly.
WILSON: Why am I smiling wryly? There’s no reason for it when explaining that’s what House called his staff.
HOUSE: Just another in your collection of odd facial expressions.
"That's what we call House's staff."
John and his wife chuckled. Then Blythe smacked him on the arm.
KUTNER: Ooh. Your mom’s pretty violent, isn’t she?
HOUSE: Fic!Blythe is, apparently. My mom, on the other hand…
"That pretty brunette you teased him with was probably one of them."
"Well damn, how was I supposed to know?" John winced.
HOUSE: Again, Marine pilot. A smack on the arm is not going to make him wince. And I doubt that he’s wincing over teasing me about Cameron.
James sighed inwardly. The dinner must have been a little tense.
HOUSE: Ya think?
"He'll get over it, a little teasing won't kill him."
WILSON: That at least sounds like your father.
HOUSE: Don’t remind me.
WILSON: Aww… Does House need a hug? *hugs House*
HOUSE: *snuggle* What? I’m gay, I’m out, I’m proud. Now, are you done ogling me and Wilson hugging?
WILSON: *rubs House’s arm as House continues to read aloud*
"So, when are you going to make my son happy?" Greg's mom asked as she peered up at him.
KUTNER: Yeah, I wouldn’t mind seeing that.
FOREMAN: Trust me, you would. *shakes head as if holding back memories*
HOUSE: *smirk*
THIRTEEN: Then what are we seeing now? *points to House and Wilson, still snuggling*
FOREMAN: They’ve done worse during our bad!fic sessions.
Wilson's eyes widened and he stammered slightly. "Um, well, I'm still married."
HOUSE: Has that ever stopped you before?
WILSON: House, shut up. *starts to move his arm*
HOUSE: Never mind. *snuggles*
TAUB: Ooo-kay. This is normal? The snuggling?
HOUSE: Shock value.
John House, old school, World War II vet, shook his head at him. "You'll never get a chance to be happy if you're with the wrong person, James. Greg's mom and I have been married for more years than I shake a stick at,
HOUSE: I think stick-shaking is my job. At least I have a stick.
WILSON: Two, I think.
HOUSE: If that’s how we’re counting, three.
WILSON: *blush*
FOREMAN: Moving on.
and we're still happy."
Stunned, all Wilson could do was stare.
"Look at him dear,
FOREMAN: *automatically* Comma. After the ‘him.’
KUTNER: What’s with you and commas?
WILSON: Foreman’s the Grammar Cop.
I think he's surprised. And don't think I missed that you couldn't remember how many years that we've been married."
John looked at his watch. "James, we have to go. Think about what we said."
Wilson watched, and waved automatically
FOREMAN: Oh, look, there’s an extra one. Think we can transplant it to the sentence above?
HOUSE: If you find the Grammar/Comma Transplant Team, I’ll sign off on an OR.
as Greg's parents drove off. He made it into the hospital without remembering the walk
HOUSE: This is probably why guidebooks don’t list parking lot to hospital as one of the Top 10 Scenic Routes in New Jersey.
WILSON: Given what New Jersey looks like, they might as well.
and ended up in Greg's office, collapsing in a chair, still in shock.
"Dr. Wilson, are you okay?"
He looked up to see Cameron watching him with concern. "Um, I'm fine." To get a little more privacy he went to the balcony and stared out into space. Thoughts raced through his head, his wife,
WILSON: My thoughts are racing through my wife! I knew there was still something between us!
their broken marriage,
TAUB: No, your thoughts are racing through your broken marriage!
House and his leg,
HOUSE: Oh no! My leg is a sentient being!
HOUSE’S LEG: Yes, I am. And I’m in constant pain! I don’t know why I’m still here, really! This is an outrage, what you do to me! And never enough drugs!
THIRTEEN: Emo little bastard, isn’t he?
HOUSE: Usually yes. *pops a Vicodin to shut leg up*
the fact that Greg's parents had given their blessing for he and Greg to get together,
TAUB: Thoughts are racing through facts now!
HOUSE: Well, you know how facts are! Never stop thinking, they.
something he hasn't even realized he wanted until now.
WILSON: Doesn’t say a whole lot for our chances, does it? I mean, if I don’t realize I want to be with you until your parents mention it.
HOUSE: Does sound rather like Fiddler on the Roof.
WILSON & HOUSE: *singing* Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…
THIRTEEN: Can we just get back to the bad!fic and get this over with?
And that brought up the fact that they were not surprised, and that meant that Greg...
HOUSE: Hates it when author-people - which is saying a lot, actually, giving them that credit - call him ‘Greg.’ I let… four people call me Greg. Author person isn’t one of them.
"Hey, Cameron said you looked like you'd been hit by a double-decker bus.
KUTNER: Are you secretly British?
HOUSE: Not that I know of. And neither’s Cameron.
Are you alright?"
FOREMAN: *scoffs* Right, that sounds just like you. Caring.
WILSON: Well, actually, he can be very caring.
HOUSE: *leer* Yes, I can.
WILSON: *eyesex*
HOUSE: *eyesex*
FOREMAN, THIRTEEN, TAUB, and KUTNER: *quickly* I don’t want to know.
House limped up to frown at his best friend thoughtfully.
HOUSE: Look at me! I can limp thoughtfully!
"I just said good-bye to your parents," Wilson said as he turned around.
House eyed him. There was a shell-shocked look, and a sparkle in James' eyes that made him raise his own eyebrows.
FOREMAN: Another extra comma. Probably to make up for all the missing ones!
"Well, that would you give you that look. That or constipation."
Wilson smiled. "And they gave me their blessings."
Alarm bells started to ring belatedly
HOUSE: Says a whole lot that alarm bells are ringing, doesn’t it? I think we’re doomed from the start. Am I fic!ex-Mrs. Wilson #4?
WILSON: Actually, in this fic, I’m only at two exes.
HOUSE: Don’t worry, you’ll be divorcing fic!Mrs. Wilson #3 soon enough.
as Wilson moved closer to him, grabbing his lapels and pulling him in for a heart-stopping kiss.
KUTNER: I got the crash cart! *moves to shock House and Wilson*
HOUSE: Get off!
WILSON: Have you lost your mind?
KUTNER: I thought I was in charge of the cart! It clearly said ‘heart-stopping’
HOUSE: Then shock fic!House and fic!Wilson. You really need to learn the difference. *to Wilson, in a childish tone* He hurt me.
WILSON: Aw, poor you. *hugs again*
HOUSE: *snuggle*
KUTNER: *awkward stammering*
When the need to breathe became absolutely necessary,
HOUSE: When is it not?
WILSON: Apparently, when we’re kissing.
HOUSE: *speculative gleam* Wanna test that? *kisses Wilson*
THIRTEEN: *stares at clock*
FOREMAN: *stares at coffee machine*
TAUB: *stares at glass table*
KUTNER: *stares at House and Wilson, half-aroused, half-heart broken*
HOUSE: *pulling away* Okay, author-person wins this point.
WILSON: *smiles* Yes, I think she does.
House lifted his head and stared. "Did you say my parents said that this was okay?"
"I know," James laughed softly. "Color me surprised."
HOUSE: Magenta, sienna, baby blue, forget-me-not blue, mustard, sunshine, burnt orange…
THIRTEEN: What are you doing?
HOUSE: Looking for surprised in my crayon set. Can’t find it.
House gave him a look for understatement of the year. "Yeah, surprised would be one way of putting it. They ~do~ know that you're married, right?"
TAUB: Uh… have they forgotten how to italicize?
FOREMAN: At least they tried to point out they’re emphasizing something.
"Your dad, and yes, I said ~your dad~ said I'd never be happy if I was with the wrong person."
FOREMAN: Missing a comma again. After ‘your dad.’
A little shell-shocked himself, Greg shook it off and grinned. "We get to tell your folks next."
"Oy vey," was all James said as he rested his head on House's chest.
HOUSE: And they all lived happily ever after, the end.
THIRTEEN: Okay. This wasn’t awful. I mean, it wasn’t great, but I’m sure there’s worse.
HOUSE: *sigh* Wilson talked me into giving you a not-so-bad bad!fic for starters. Sorta ease you in. *shrug* I don’t know why.
KUTNER: *intrigued* How’d he manage to talk you into that?
FOREMAN: You don’t want to know.
KUTNER: Oh, come on! We saw them kiss! How much worse can it get?
HOUSE: He denied sex. After turning me on. Walking around the apartment half-naked… walking around with just a towel around his waist, water still dripping down him from the shower…
KUTNER: Never mind.
WILSON: *groans* House!
TAUB: *valiantly ignoring that* So, does this happen often? This bad!fic reading?
FOREMAN: Yes. And it gets much much worse.
KUTNER: So, why can’t we try and steal Cuddy’s panties again?
THIRTEEN: *eyeroll*
HOUSE: I told you: someone got pissy that I was trying to steal her panties.
KUTNER: Yeah, but when do you listen to anybody?
WILSON: He does if sex is being denied.
HOUSE: *eyesex*
WILSON: *eyesex*
KUTNER: *blush* Okay. Just bad!fic, then? No Cuddy Thong Removal Challenge?
FOREMAN: *confirms* Just bad!fic.