Doing a bit better.
After a few days, I'm feeling a bit better. Feeling much less like I've just failed as a human being-- or whatever I was feeling.
I realized what I was missing that I had a year ago was just the compassion for people that I used to have. I've been falling back into the old habit of thinking the world is against me that I'm some sort of eternal victim. I just hate that feeling, you know? Everyone else is going on living their lives with their own circumstances too--- sure, some people are awful turds, but not everyone is out to get me PERSONALLY, you know?
What I guess I really want from here on out is to just try to heal myself all around. Just some emotional healing.. physical healing. Teach myself to love others again and to love who I am again. It's a terrible feeling-- not loving yourself anymore. And not only was I just in a state of disliking myself-- I was also totally self-absorbed! I realize how often I've been making things about me! God, so terrible.
From now on things will change. I just have to do it. Just be kinder to myself. Kinder to others. Give myself room to breath but still socialize enough that I don't become wrapped up in my own little world only.
This is getting to be a bit rambly, so I'll stop there. But basically, I'm coming around to gradually mending myself, I think. I just want to be a whole person again.
In other news, I might have strep for the first time in, like, 15 years!
I just woke up with a sore throat in the morning and thought it was the typical drainage pains... but it just got worse and worse during the day. It got so bad at night that I was sobbing because I couldn't swallow without excruciating pain :S After some pain medication and some antibiotics we had leftover at the house, I'm not in so much pain that I can't function anymore, at least.
Now to be a grown up and actually wake up early to go to the doctor. Yuck. I don't want to pay for this :(
I realized what I was missing that I had a year ago was just the compassion for people that I used to have. I've been falling back into the old habit of thinking the world is against me that I'm some sort of eternal victim. I just hate that feeling, you know? Everyone else is going on living their lives with their own circumstances too--- sure, some people are awful turds, but not everyone is out to get me PERSONALLY, you know?
What I guess I really want from here on out is to just try to heal myself all around. Just some emotional healing.. physical healing. Teach myself to love others again and to love who I am again. It's a terrible feeling-- not loving yourself anymore. And not only was I just in a state of disliking myself-- I was also totally self-absorbed! I realize how often I've been making things about me! God, so terrible.
From now on things will change. I just have to do it. Just be kinder to myself. Kinder to others. Give myself room to breath but still socialize enough that I don't become wrapped up in my own little world only.
This is getting to be a bit rambly, so I'll stop there. But basically, I'm coming around to gradually mending myself, I think. I just want to be a whole person again.
In other news, I might have strep for the first time in, like, 15 years!
I just woke up with a sore throat in the morning and thought it was the typical drainage pains... but it just got worse and worse during the day. It got so bad at night that I was sobbing because I couldn't swallow without excruciating pain :S After some pain medication and some antibiotics we had leftover at the house, I'm not in so much pain that I can't function anymore, at least.
Now to be a grown up and actually wake up early to go to the doctor. Yuck. I don't want to pay for this :(