"You fix that wall before my dad gets home from work. He's going to beat me with a belt. He won't believe a talking bowl of fruit punch came through there. You stupid idiot. Yeah, coming through the wall is real fucking cool. Using the front door is cool! Don't touch me you drink, don't touch me you giant beverage. You are sweating. You're ( Read more... )

Why is it entirely impossible for me to keep certain consumable items? Like lighters and pencils. It seems like the laws of nature forbid me from holding on to such things for longer than a week. Last night I lost a lighter. Today I lost a pencil. It seems like everytime I buy a new lighter or sharpen a new pencil that they disappear. And when I ( Read more... )

This morning was weird as hell. But this afternoon has been awesome.

Because I got to watch two car chases on CNN. In a row.

The first one was just a warm up, the guy was just on an empty freeway and his tire blew so he just got out. But then the next one was awesome. Some crazy woman was tearing up LA and driving on the wrong side of the road and ( Read more... )

Last night's traumatizing experience? Being in the elevator when the power went out. Don't worry, I got out. So now I'm watching Bubble Boy, recovering from last night's binge drinking, and contemplating what lies ahead for me today.
I'm a horrible person, and I guess I hate babies.

You know what? I fucking hate shaking hands. Except with old people. Because they always do the same thing, and I'm good at that. But youngsters these days either want a traditional handshake or a ghetto wannabe gansta one. And I never know what to expect. So I just fuck it up regardless. If in the past you've received a dead handshake from me, ( Read more... )

Yes! My house is going to be officially and totally locked down tomorrow ( Read more... )

I have a new website. Gaze upon it with awe. This is for you...

Fucking laws of nature I guess.

Hi!

Raina is super awesome and smells like shampoo.