Breaking Good 1/1
Title: Breaking Good 1/1
Author: Neolithicdream
Pairing/Character:
Rating: PG-13
Summary: this is my therapy, I have no idea what it is. Just a continuation of the end of 11.05
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: I am devastated by last nights outcome which shows the ultimate futility of investing emotionally in a fictional couple. Never again. :-(
They'd left the building together. Well not so much together as separately but at the same time. Arizona had barely spoken since Callie had dropped her bombshell. In a way she'd dropped it on herself as much as on Arizona. The thoughts had been forming, coming to her unbidden, unwanted at various time during their "break". If she were honest, for longer than that, for longer than she might be comfortable admitting to right now. And yet when they'd entered their therapists office less than 60 minutes ago she had no clue that she was about to break her wife's heart.
She'd had no clue that she was going to break her own heart.
She'd had no clue that she was going to break them.
And yet she had.
She felt a little shell shocked all the same even though simultaneously she was filled with a certainty that her words were spoken in truth.
Were the truth.
The truth that would set her free, had already begun to set her free.
Arizona was the one that looked shell-shocked. Stunned. She'd shut down in the office, right in front of her eyes. Shut down as the truth dawned on her, as realisation dawned. Callie wondered about that; how could her wife not have known? Had she not had those same thoughts? Had the "break" really removed Arizona's doubts, just as it had copper fastened her own?
Or was Arizona just trying to convince herself one more time. Trying so hard that yet again the truth would be concealed. Like a bandaid conceals a wound. But band aids only work for shallow cuts, not deep wounds like theirs. Band aids get dirty eventually and start to peel and then need to be ripped off. They are never permanent fixes.
And then the truth is revealed. A tiny healed scar or a mess of infection.
None of their scars were tiny ones.
Well she truly had ripped the bandaid off today and now Arizona was the one bearing the brunt of the sudden pain. But that was the thing about band aids , wasn't it? You rip them off and it hurts like hell but doing it slowly is so much more unbearable.
But it's the suddenness that hurts, especially if its unexpected. And that was the pain her wife was experiencing right now. So much pain she appeared numb.
Callie didn't want Arizona to experience any more pain, god knows she'd seen enough of Arizona's pain to last a lifetime. Inflicted plenty of it herself. Never intentionally, well almost never.
That was the thing that hurt the most. That they kept hurting each other. Two people who loved each other the way they loved each other - and yet the hurting seemed never ending. Like they were in a circuituous loop of hurt and love and love and hurt.
Until today when she had broken the circuit.
And it hurt like hell. She might be feeling free, she might have laughed more in the last 30 days than in the previous 30 months but she still hurt. But right now the difference between her and Arizona was that she knew the truth. The loop was broken. So this time when the hurt subsided it would not come around again.
She knew that this was necessary, that this pain, this hurt was essential if they could ever move past this, get past it.
Knowing it did not make her wish for it.
Knowing it did not make her happy that she was the cause of yet more pain to her wife.
Knowing that they would be happier separate and apart, that they would be better apart did not make it hurt less.
But she knew it all the same and she truly believed that Arizona would know it too, hopefully sooner rather than later.
And then the truth would set her free too. Set her wondrous amazing awesome wife free.
They would be both free. Free from the shackles that somehow the bonds of matrimony had become for them. Free from the obligations. Free from the vows.
For better for worse.
In sickness and in health.
Till death us do part.
Free from the promises.
The broken and the kept.
In time she might try to figure out how it had gone so wrong.
There was enough love. Of that she was sure. God, she doubted if there would ever be a day when she didn't love Arizona Robbins.
And she didn't doubt now but that Arizona loved her too.
Had there been too much love?
Or did they just have a surplus of bad luck and bad decisions.
Or were they just not meant to be?
Knowing that trying to fix them was no longer what she wanted, what was right for them did not equate to knowing why they had broken in the first place.
All she knew was that right now her wife - could she even call her that after today? - was hurting, was dazed, was confused. And that this too would pass.
That in time the pain would lessen, subside, for both of them.
And in the interim there was Sofia.
Their beautiful daughter who they would both love. God she hoped that would be enough. Their love.
It wasnt enough for them but they would shower her in their love and do their damnedest to protect her from the fallout of their broken marriage.
The fleeting thought was of other babies that never were. The tiny fetus that lived so briefly in her wife's womb. The baby they had talked about putting into her own scarred one. The baby they discussed having a stranger carry.
Would one of those babies have saved them? Or would the baby have been the ultimate bandaid, destined to fail?
And as always the resentment followed. The resentment that Arizona could not, would not keep her promise. Another baby, ten babies. And she hated that resentment because she loved her wife too. And she knew it wasn't entirely merited.
She knew she hadn't kept her promises either. Of being enough, of no babies if babies meant no Arizona.
She knew so much more now than before the therapy, knew of pain she'd inflicted on her wife without even knowing, of resentment carried by her wife long before the leg.
And she knew they were both to blame. That every mistake was cumulative, each little one building up unseen, even unconscious resentment.
She wondered if they'd intervened earlier, talked earlier, had therapy earlier would it have saved them? Or had they always been doomed? Right now she didn't know which she'd prefer: that meant to be had never been real or that they could have been saved if they'd stopped the infection earlier.
They weren't together but they were walking in the same direction. Arizona like an automaton, she in step with Arizona, concerned about her, despite it all.
"Crap!" The word escaped her lips and Arizona turned to her, her question silent.
"Uhm..." I came in your car, we...we travelled hereby together." Callie stuttered nervously, the silent thought that there would not be anymore shared car journeys, sharing stories of their day, half hearted bickering about Callie's taste in soft rock stations.
Arizona just stared not comprehending until Callie added, " I can...I'll get a cab." Then Arizona realized her car key was in her hand. They had carpooled, like so many, many times before. That wasn't to be their future.
She had heard the words, everything that Callie had said. She understood their meaning. They were over, their marriage, them. There was no them anymore.
There was no Callie and Arizona now. Callie had pulled the plug and they had disappeared.
There was Arizona.
And there was Callie.
There was no Calliope either. Calliope was her wife and Arizona no longer had a wife.
Arizona knew that, she just... well she was just having a hard time understanding it, comprehending that it was over. That her wife no longer wanted her,that her wife was done.
"Oh...right...well you drive... We're both going in the same direction anyway." She just handed the key to Callie and walked round to the passenger side. She almost smiled, the last place they were going was in the same direction, ever again.
They'd been absolute silence for the first few minutes. Arizona looking out the side window, no eye contact possible.
"Say something...." Callie said quietly as she awaited a light change. There was no response.
" Arizona, please..."
There was an almost imperceptible shake of the head, but she straightened to look forward and Callie saw the first tear fall.
"Honey, please don't cry.... this is for the best...this is..." She was cut off in mid sentence by Arizonas sudden turn of her head, a look of disbelief and so much more on her face.
And the lights changed and the torrent of tears began. Silent tears ran unchecked down her wife's face. Unchecked, unstoppable.
"Don't cry, Arizona... I know you're hurting I know you're feeling..."
"NO!" The yell nearly caused Callie to swerve into oncoming traffic.
"You don't want me, you don't love me, you don't want to be my wife so you don't get to tell me how I feel ever again...." the venom in Arizona's voice seemed to exhaust her and she slumped to the side, forehead leaning on the window " ... Can you just drive... I have a meeting with Herman in an hour...can you just drive...or do you want to change your mind on that too?"
Callie stayed silent. Every tear falling down Arizona's cheek felt like a knife to her gut. She was causing this and just because it was necessary and right didn't make hurting Arizona any less painful. In a sick way it proved her decision to be right, there had been too many tears. Hers, theirs, Arizona's and it had to stop. She was too tired and it was too hard and she didn't want to do it anymore.
But as they pulled into the staff car park she had to say one thing. She couldn't have Arizona think that, not that.
"I do love you."
Arizona turned slowly and stared, a short sardonic laugh and a shake of her head, "...do you even know the meaning of the word?" She unbuckled her belt, reaching for the door before Callie spoke again.
" Arizona, we... weren't working, we...you....we will be happier this way, both of us... we...please understand."
Arizona stayed silent but seated.
Minutes passed. neither spoke.
"I suppose I should thank you..." Arizona finally broke the silence, the tiniest tremor betraying an otherwise even tone.
"Okay?"
"For last night...." Arizona added, a brief series of nods accompanying her words, "... for the goodbye fuck, something to remember you by I guess?" Suddenly the pain shone through, the voice, her face, no attempt to cover the hurt.
" What? No, no Arizona... " Callie was horrified, "... Arizona, that..."
" No, it was great, you always knew exactly how to rock my world, from our first time to the last...I thought that meant something too but that was probably just a cheap f..."
" Arizona, stop, stop. last night we made love, you know that, right.... Last night was...was..." Now it was Callie with the uncontrollable tears. last night was the last time she would ever make love to her wife. Last night was the last time. It felt wrong, unbelievably wrong but Arizona had to know it meant something. God, after her decision today, last night meant everything. It always would.
Arizona did know that. Last night had been different, a coming together, a meeting of minds, of bodies, of their souls. But she shook her head all the same, "... How can you say you made love to me last night and break my heart today? How can you do this to us? how can you break us apart, and call it love? How?"
Callie grabbed her hands, " I'm so sorry, I just can't...I will always, always care for you... Always want the best for you....but....this is for the best..."
" For who? For you?" Arizona cried "... Don't tell me you are doing this for me, giving me my freedom....you are... I can't take this...I told you I can't take another loss...and now I'm losing you and I just..."
"You are the strongest person I have ever known, Arizona...you will survive this....and you will thank me, I've been holding you back...we hurt each other and...I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"You are leaving me....nothing has ever hurt me more, not my leg....not my brother, not..." she shook her head, "... I want to hate you.....I want to tell you I hate you...but I can't..." She took her hands away from Callies grasp. "...please, please don't do this, I'll ,I'll try harder... I'll go up to Herman right now, resign the fellowship... we we can... we still,have sperm from before I can...." she stopped. Her own words shocking her into silence.
"I'll always love you, Arizona....I just...we don't work anymore, it's not good. Not for me, or for you." She nodded, and Arizona gave an imperceptible nod too, almost against her will.
After a brief silence, Arizona said, "... This is on you, you know. you're the one bailing this time. You're the one leaving, you're the one giving up, you're the one who doesn't want to try...I don't want this, this is you."
Callie just nodded,a whispered, " I know."
Arizona said, "I'm going to try..." She continued after seeing Callie's quizzical look, "... to hate you."
Callie nodded. Arizona continued, "... I've tried to before, you know....but I never really... I don't think it's possible. Part of me will never stop lov..." A sob swallowed the word.
"I know."
"If you ever try to take Sofia from me...."
Callie interrupted, " I won't, I promise..."
"Your promises don't mean a great deal anymore..." Arizona shook her head, the enormity of what was happening only sinking in, "... If you try I will hate you then and I will fight you with everything I have."
Callie nodded.
Leaving the car she turned one last time, " I love you."
Arizona just nodded, not speaking till Callie was gone. Watching the love of her life walking away, she whispered, "Me too, me too." She'd been numb before but now she felt everything, love, despair, shock and at the furthest edges of her soul a tiny speck of something that felt almost like relief.
Callie walked away, her head held high. Walking away from the love of her life, heart breaking afresh. Walking into the future, the unknown, where everything was possible. A tiny fragment of a thought flashed through her mind. Everything was possible in the future , maybe even them.
The End
Author: Neolithicdream
Pairing/Character:
Rating: PG-13
Summary: this is my therapy, I have no idea what it is. Just a continuation of the end of 11.05
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: I am devastated by last nights outcome which shows the ultimate futility of investing emotionally in a fictional couple. Never again. :-(
They'd left the building together. Well not so much together as separately but at the same time. Arizona had barely spoken since Callie had dropped her bombshell. In a way she'd dropped it on herself as much as on Arizona. The thoughts had been forming, coming to her unbidden, unwanted at various time during their "break". If she were honest, for longer than that, for longer than she might be comfortable admitting to right now. And yet when they'd entered their therapists office less than 60 minutes ago she had no clue that she was about to break her wife's heart.
She'd had no clue that she was going to break her own heart.
She'd had no clue that she was going to break them.
And yet she had.
She felt a little shell shocked all the same even though simultaneously she was filled with a certainty that her words were spoken in truth.
Were the truth.
The truth that would set her free, had already begun to set her free.
Arizona was the one that looked shell-shocked. Stunned. She'd shut down in the office, right in front of her eyes. Shut down as the truth dawned on her, as realisation dawned. Callie wondered about that; how could her wife not have known? Had she not had those same thoughts? Had the "break" really removed Arizona's doubts, just as it had copper fastened her own?
Or was Arizona just trying to convince herself one more time. Trying so hard that yet again the truth would be concealed. Like a bandaid conceals a wound. But band aids only work for shallow cuts, not deep wounds like theirs. Band aids get dirty eventually and start to peel and then need to be ripped off. They are never permanent fixes.
And then the truth is revealed. A tiny healed scar or a mess of infection.
None of their scars were tiny ones.
Well she truly had ripped the bandaid off today and now Arizona was the one bearing the brunt of the sudden pain. But that was the thing about band aids , wasn't it? You rip them off and it hurts like hell but doing it slowly is so much more unbearable.
But it's the suddenness that hurts, especially if its unexpected. And that was the pain her wife was experiencing right now. So much pain she appeared numb.
Callie didn't want Arizona to experience any more pain, god knows she'd seen enough of Arizona's pain to last a lifetime. Inflicted plenty of it herself. Never intentionally, well almost never.
That was the thing that hurt the most. That they kept hurting each other. Two people who loved each other the way they loved each other - and yet the hurting seemed never ending. Like they were in a circuituous loop of hurt and love and love and hurt.
Until today when she had broken the circuit.
And it hurt like hell. She might be feeling free, she might have laughed more in the last 30 days than in the previous 30 months but she still hurt. But right now the difference between her and Arizona was that she knew the truth. The loop was broken. So this time when the hurt subsided it would not come around again.
She knew that this was necessary, that this pain, this hurt was essential if they could ever move past this, get past it.
Knowing it did not make her wish for it.
Knowing it did not make her happy that she was the cause of yet more pain to her wife.
Knowing that they would be happier separate and apart, that they would be better apart did not make it hurt less.
But she knew it all the same and she truly believed that Arizona would know it too, hopefully sooner rather than later.
And then the truth would set her free too. Set her wondrous amazing awesome wife free.
They would be both free. Free from the shackles that somehow the bonds of matrimony had become for them. Free from the obligations. Free from the vows.
For better for worse.
In sickness and in health.
Till death us do part.
Free from the promises.
The broken and the kept.
In time she might try to figure out how it had gone so wrong.
There was enough love. Of that she was sure. God, she doubted if there would ever be a day when she didn't love Arizona Robbins.
And she didn't doubt now but that Arizona loved her too.
Had there been too much love?
Or did they just have a surplus of bad luck and bad decisions.
Or were they just not meant to be?
Knowing that trying to fix them was no longer what she wanted, what was right for them did not equate to knowing why they had broken in the first place.
All she knew was that right now her wife - could she even call her that after today? - was hurting, was dazed, was confused. And that this too would pass.
That in time the pain would lessen, subside, for both of them.
And in the interim there was Sofia.
Their beautiful daughter who they would both love. God she hoped that would be enough. Their love.
It wasnt enough for them but they would shower her in their love and do their damnedest to protect her from the fallout of their broken marriage.
The fleeting thought was of other babies that never were. The tiny fetus that lived so briefly in her wife's womb. The baby they had talked about putting into her own scarred one. The baby they discussed having a stranger carry.
Would one of those babies have saved them? Or would the baby have been the ultimate bandaid, destined to fail?
And as always the resentment followed. The resentment that Arizona could not, would not keep her promise. Another baby, ten babies. And she hated that resentment because she loved her wife too. And she knew it wasn't entirely merited.
She knew she hadn't kept her promises either. Of being enough, of no babies if babies meant no Arizona.
She knew so much more now than before the therapy, knew of pain she'd inflicted on her wife without even knowing, of resentment carried by her wife long before the leg.
And she knew they were both to blame. That every mistake was cumulative, each little one building up unseen, even unconscious resentment.
She wondered if they'd intervened earlier, talked earlier, had therapy earlier would it have saved them? Or had they always been doomed? Right now she didn't know which she'd prefer: that meant to be had never been real or that they could have been saved if they'd stopped the infection earlier.
They weren't together but they were walking in the same direction. Arizona like an automaton, she in step with Arizona, concerned about her, despite it all.
"Crap!" The word escaped her lips and Arizona turned to her, her question silent.
"Uhm..." I came in your car, we...we travelled hereby together." Callie stuttered nervously, the silent thought that there would not be anymore shared car journeys, sharing stories of their day, half hearted bickering about Callie's taste in soft rock stations.
Arizona just stared not comprehending until Callie added, " I can...I'll get a cab." Then Arizona realized her car key was in her hand. They had carpooled, like so many, many times before. That wasn't to be their future.
She had heard the words, everything that Callie had said. She understood their meaning. They were over, their marriage, them. There was no them anymore.
There was no Callie and Arizona now. Callie had pulled the plug and they had disappeared.
There was Arizona.
And there was Callie.
There was no Calliope either. Calliope was her wife and Arizona no longer had a wife.
Arizona knew that, she just... well she was just having a hard time understanding it, comprehending that it was over. That her wife no longer wanted her,that her wife was done.
"Oh...right...well you drive... We're both going in the same direction anyway." She just handed the key to Callie and walked round to the passenger side. She almost smiled, the last place they were going was in the same direction, ever again.
They'd been absolute silence for the first few minutes. Arizona looking out the side window, no eye contact possible.
"Say something...." Callie said quietly as she awaited a light change. There was no response.
" Arizona, please..."
There was an almost imperceptible shake of the head, but she straightened to look forward and Callie saw the first tear fall.
"Honey, please don't cry.... this is for the best...this is..." She was cut off in mid sentence by Arizonas sudden turn of her head, a look of disbelief and so much more on her face.
And the lights changed and the torrent of tears began. Silent tears ran unchecked down her wife's face. Unchecked, unstoppable.
"Don't cry, Arizona... I know you're hurting I know you're feeling..."
"NO!" The yell nearly caused Callie to swerve into oncoming traffic.
"You don't want me, you don't love me, you don't want to be my wife so you don't get to tell me how I feel ever again...." the venom in Arizona's voice seemed to exhaust her and she slumped to the side, forehead leaning on the window " ... Can you just drive... I have a meeting with Herman in an hour...can you just drive...or do you want to change your mind on that too?"
Callie stayed silent. Every tear falling down Arizona's cheek felt like a knife to her gut. She was causing this and just because it was necessary and right didn't make hurting Arizona any less painful. In a sick way it proved her decision to be right, there had been too many tears. Hers, theirs, Arizona's and it had to stop. She was too tired and it was too hard and she didn't want to do it anymore.
But as they pulled into the staff car park she had to say one thing. She couldn't have Arizona think that, not that.
"I do love you."
Arizona turned slowly and stared, a short sardonic laugh and a shake of her head, "...do you even know the meaning of the word?" She unbuckled her belt, reaching for the door before Callie spoke again.
" Arizona, we... weren't working, we...you....we will be happier this way, both of us... we...please understand."
Arizona stayed silent but seated.
Minutes passed. neither spoke.
"I suppose I should thank you..." Arizona finally broke the silence, the tiniest tremor betraying an otherwise even tone.
"Okay?"
"For last night...." Arizona added, a brief series of nods accompanying her words, "... for the goodbye fuck, something to remember you by I guess?" Suddenly the pain shone through, the voice, her face, no attempt to cover the hurt.
" What? No, no Arizona... " Callie was horrified, "... Arizona, that..."
" No, it was great, you always knew exactly how to rock my world, from our first time to the last...I thought that meant something too but that was probably just a cheap f..."
" Arizona, stop, stop. last night we made love, you know that, right.... Last night was...was..." Now it was Callie with the uncontrollable tears. last night was the last time she would ever make love to her wife. Last night was the last time. It felt wrong, unbelievably wrong but Arizona had to know it meant something. God, after her decision today, last night meant everything. It always would.
Arizona did know that. Last night had been different, a coming together, a meeting of minds, of bodies, of their souls. But she shook her head all the same, "... How can you say you made love to me last night and break my heart today? How can you do this to us? how can you break us apart, and call it love? How?"
Callie grabbed her hands, " I'm so sorry, I just can't...I will always, always care for you... Always want the best for you....but....this is for the best..."
" For who? For you?" Arizona cried "... Don't tell me you are doing this for me, giving me my freedom....you are... I can't take this...I told you I can't take another loss...and now I'm losing you and I just..."
"You are the strongest person I have ever known, Arizona...you will survive this....and you will thank me, I've been holding you back...we hurt each other and...I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"You are leaving me....nothing has ever hurt me more, not my leg....not my brother, not..." she shook her head, "... I want to hate you.....I want to tell you I hate you...but I can't..." She took her hands away from Callies grasp. "...please, please don't do this, I'll ,I'll try harder... I'll go up to Herman right now, resign the fellowship... we we can... we still,have sperm from before I can...." she stopped. Her own words shocking her into silence.
"I'll always love you, Arizona....I just...we don't work anymore, it's not good. Not for me, or for you." She nodded, and Arizona gave an imperceptible nod too, almost against her will.
After a brief silence, Arizona said, "... This is on you, you know. you're the one bailing this time. You're the one leaving, you're the one giving up, you're the one who doesn't want to try...I don't want this, this is you."
Callie just nodded,a whispered, " I know."
Arizona said, "I'm going to try..." She continued after seeing Callie's quizzical look, "... to hate you."
Callie nodded. Arizona continued, "... I've tried to before, you know....but I never really... I don't think it's possible. Part of me will never stop lov..." A sob swallowed the word.
"I know."
"If you ever try to take Sofia from me...."
Callie interrupted, " I won't, I promise..."
"Your promises don't mean a great deal anymore..." Arizona shook her head, the enormity of what was happening only sinking in, "... If you try I will hate you then and I will fight you with everything I have."
Callie nodded.
Leaving the car she turned one last time, " I love you."
Arizona just nodded, not speaking till Callie was gone. Watching the love of her life walking away, she whispered, "Me too, me too." She'd been numb before but now she felt everything, love, despair, shock and at the furthest edges of her soul a tiny speck of something that felt almost like relief.
Callie walked away, her head held high. Walking away from the love of her life, heart breaking afresh. Walking into the future, the unknown, where everything was possible. A tiny fragment of a thought flashed through her mind. Everything was possible in the future , maybe even them.
The End