(no subject)
So yes, I wore my glasses today. Yes, I wore baggy, unflattering, black clothing today. I'm sorry i can't be fucking glamourus every day. I'm sick. It's Friday. Let me relax a little. Kelsey's comment about me looking like "her little friend from 8th grade" really got to me. Am I somehow different now? Somehow better because I dress differently? I'm still the same person. I was probably way more likable back then anyway, since that was way before Dan turned me into a jaded bitch. I guess it's just because her and Matti treated me like dirt in 8th grade, so it's kinda like what? Because I look like I did before, are you going to treat me like you did before? Because I don't think that's very fair at all.
Also, I've been wrestling with a slew of unwanted emotions directed toward my long-time neighbor and semi-rival. I never had a problem with liking him before, like back in 7th-grade-ish time period, but now it's like I can't without feeling extremely guilty. Yes, I backed off when he got his first steady gf, and stayed backed off for his second and most recent, who he just broke up with. Of course, I found out today she still likes him, so now I feel guilty for starting to like him again. Especially since I can't even talk to him whenever he's surrounded by the rest of the Posse, which is always. I mean, what the crap is that? I can't bring myself to talk to a boy I've known since I was three? I just wish I could read him. He's nice most of the time, but sometimes he can be a really elitest bastard. I don't know if he's just kidding and thinks I can take it because I know him, or if he really doesn't want me around because I'm a sophomore/violinist/get better grades than he does. *flail* When the fuck did everything get so complicated?
Finally, I just don't think I'm cut out to be a section leader. I only survived last year's parade season by watching Jared, so I don't know how to do anything. And of course, I have to keep on my fucking happy face so no one thinks I'm too weak to handle it. I'm sick of pretending everything's okay, even though you'd think I'd be getting good at it. What, after the thing with Matt in April, which I still feel guilty about, and this year's just-starting-up-again drama. The latter, of course, is nothing at all compared with the sheer terror and guilt of the former. I still lose sleep over that. ;_;
Bah. Robert's right, I am such an emo kid.
<3