Loss of Momentum

[neowritersblock]

Loss of Momentum

Sunlight knifes through the heavy clouds
Rain spatters on their shoulders
His face wears an expression of perpetual surprise
Bands of white and red intertwine about her ebony skin
A pair of shoes jog down the sidewalk
Her smile was a breath of warm air in the frigid darkness

The clutter on the desk lived with great camaraderie
Alone in

Comments

[homesick_4lien]

What exercise did this start out as?

[julietofarcadia]

I like this version better... it feels more complete than the last. More of what you're trying to say is coming out, instead of lots of different loose ends that could be pieced together to make something that's up to the reader.

We loose a little more of the female character in this version... she's a bit more distant and I think that works well.

The line "A pair of shoes jog down the sidewalk" feels awkward to me... there needs to be a line like that there to keep the two surrounding it apart, but the shoes line bothers me because it doesn't really seem to do anything else... I don't know. Just something to think about.

It definitely still has that sense of loss and grief about it... "The perfect harmony was broken only by the smell" seems like a very important line to me but I'm not 100% sure why... it's almost like it's the pivotal line of the whole poem- the one that almost summarizes the whole thing. I’m not sure. It just stands out to me.

Aaaaand… I think I covered everything else last time… :D