Suddenly I see: this is what I want to be.
Sunday evening, May 21 2006.
The Kane estate is just as I remember it. Marble floors imported from Italy, chandeliers dripping with crystals, a dining room grand enough to hold twenty when it usually just holds three. Extravagant wealth is in the air, and it is almost more intimidating than I remember it being, particularly since I've spent the last four months growing accustomed to a life of shared rooms and inescapable sand.
Lilly is impatient and irritable, standing with hands shoved deep in her jeans pockets as she shifts from side to side, waiting for the meet and greet to be over. It's hard to take my eyes off of her, to believe she's real, even as Jake strides up to pat my shoulder and grin. "Veronica," he drawls fondly. "Hey, kid. We don't see enough of you around here anymore."
I let myself look away from Lilly, a voice in the back of my mind assuring me she isn't going to disappear, to focus my gaze on Jake Kane. There was a time when I thought he might be my father. But in a world where I would never have had to meet Abel Koontz, I've also probably never had to go through the agony of waiting for the results to a paternity test. He's all warmth now, and I can't help but wonder now if Jake was always so nice out of guilt for never claiming me as his own. That would have been an awkward conversation. Hey, Duncan, can I talk to your girlfriend for a moment? There's something she should know.
No dice, Jake. You shouldn't be so concerned. Actually, it looks like he isn't, his face considerably less worn than I recall. I guess having your daughter brutally murdered speeds up the aging process. It works with best friends, anyway. "You know me," I say with a smile. "All schoolwork, all the time. I've got to get good grades if I want to be able to go to Stanford."
"Well, just because Duncan's your friend now and not your boyfriend doesn't mean you shouldn't feel free to drop by and say hello." That's what's coming out of Jake's mouth anyway. As Celeste, his wife the queen bitch, stalks into the room, I know I could never feel free. "Hello, Veronica," she says coolly. I swear the woman was born on a glacier. My father hasn't accused her husband of murder, her daughter's not dead, and I'm no longer in competition for her precious baby boy's attention, but she's still got a stick the size of a redwood up her ass. Nothing I do is ever going to please her, is it?
"This has been fun and all," Lilly announces, hands spread wide, "but I'm bored. C'mon, Veronica, let's ditch these two."
"Bye, Mr Kane, Mrs Kane." Ever the dutiful little girl, I hear myself speaking with such saccharine sweetness I'd swear I was still fifteen. But Lilly is striding away at top speed; I have to rush to catch up with her. I guess some things never change.
Lilly's bedroom, for example, is just the way I remember it. Whether their little girl's died or grown up and gone to college, I guess the Kanes can't bring themselves to touch the decor. It isn't how the room looks that matters anyway. Lilly's in it and that's all I can really care about. As I throw myself onto her bed, scooting up to lean against the headboard, I watch her. She probably thinks I'm crazy. Maybe I am. But if that's the case, she could disappear again at any moment and I don't want to miss even one of them.
"It's like coming home to Stepford," she announces, dramatic as always. Lilly is digging through her desk drawer as she speaks. Triumphant, she comes up with a screwdriver. Dragging the white chair (it always seemed to princess-like for her) over to the wall, she climbs up to open her vent. I can't help wondering what she hides in it these days. Surely she takes her secrets with her to Vassar.
The answer emerges in the form of a pair of bottles. "Vodka or amaretto, Miss Mars?" she asks, grinning wickedly. This surge of love seems wildly out of place when she's looking like that.
"Lilly, you know I don't drink."
"Funny," she says, tossing herself carelessly onto her stomach, "I seem to recall that you do. Or did, way back when. Was Homecoming a fluke, or am I getting Alzheimers?"
"Ha ha. I just -" Haven't really touched the stuff since that night I passed out on rum, Coke, and GHB? I guess thinking I was raped just turned me off of alcohol. And then there's Mom . . . Neither of which Lilly would know about in this reality. "I've got to go home tonight, and you know my dad will absolutely kill me. School in the morning. And you have a plane to take."
"Goody goody," she accuses, and I've never understood how Lilly could combine scorn and fondness so easily. She gets up to mix herself a drink - Mountain Dew and amaretto, of all things. A test sip and she pours in a little more liquor before sitting down beside me.
"How's Vassar?" She always wanted to go, always needed to pick up and run away from here. The East Coast was the only option for Lilly Kane - somewhere far from Jake Kane's smothering love and Celeste's cold distaste. "Tell me everything."
She laughs. "God, Veronica, you don't know how good it is to get out of Neptune for once. Far, far out of Neptune." Lilly pauses, considering, and takes another drink. "College agrees with me. I'm thinking of staying to do summer research or something just so I don't have to come back to Neptune boys - and them."
"You? Research? Lilly, no," I plead. In a pastel sundress, on my knees and begging, I'm fifteen again with her. "What'm I gonna do all summer if you leave me?" Don't leave me again. It's hard to even stomach her getting on a plane to head back to school for a few more weeks.
"Please," she groans, rolling her eyes at me. "Like Logan doesn't keep you entertained."
I scoff, startled. "Not the way you're insinuating and that's not the same thing. Logan's my boyfriend, you're my best friend."
"Chicks before dicks?" Lilly raises both eyebrows. I just try not to remember Buffy. "That's all well and good, V, but you've got to learn to let go." She must see it; it's hard to hide the pain on my face at her words. It's hard to let go of her when I've already had to. I won't do that again. Not again. "Come on. It's not like I'm ditching you forever. I just mean you need to have a life of your own. And not," she adds quickly, "with those guys. Hanging out with Dick and Beav forever? Ew. You got over my brother. You'll get over Logan, too. Find yourself a real man at Stanford or wherever."
"I don't want someone else." This conversation feels too familiar. But even if I've appeared at a home different from the one I left and even if Logan doesn't remember the island the way I do, I'm not Lilly. I can't drop boys and pick up new ones just like that. And I want to stay with him as long as we can make it last. "I'm perfectly happy as is. Anyway, I thought we were talking about you."
"My favorite topic." Lilly stretches and smiles, lazy and comfortable.
"Now tell me about your boy - or boys - at Vassar."
"Just the boys?" she asks, pouting. "You don't want to hear about the men? Or the girls?"
"I don't have that kind of - girls?" My mouth drops open at that, although I'm not entirely surprised. It's Lilly, after all. "Seriously, Lilly?"
"What? It's college!" she cries, and the smirk's back now. "It's Vassar. They have, like, a history of that kind of thing. It's expected, Veronica. And she was good."
Classic Lilly. It's funny how much you can miss someone when they're right there with you. And I'm not going to look a gift island in the mouth, but I miss her. Three years of our lives happened without my ever knowing. Maybe it's a question of alternate universes. Maybe I got sent back to the wrong one - the one where, whatever those guys at UPN came up with, it didn't matter. We're real here. Somehow we escaped their plotlines to live happy, solid lives of relative normalcy. I can't help but think that everyone was right, and we ended up on that island for a reason. For me, it was so I could come back to this. I prepared to start over again, and now I really can. I wish I could have said goodbye first. But ditching them without a word is worth it for this.
"Just living up to college tradition, huh? I'm sure she was great," I laugh, a little unsettled despite myself. "I'm sure they all were."
"Your standards must be really low." Lilly thinks about this a moment. "Which I knew. I mean, you dated my brother."
Yes, Lilly, and I loved him. I don't think I'll ever stop loving Duncan Kane. You never forget your first love, and Duncan was certainly that for me. The day he walked past me in the hallway, he broke my heart. If it hadn't been for Lilly's death a couple of weeks later, I wouldn't have thought it could have broken anymore than it did that day. And yet I'm strangely reassured to find that, in this alternate home where all is well in the world, Duncan and I are friends. Just friends. It washes away the guilt I've been feeling for the last month - ever since Logan turned up on Tabula Rasa.
It's a relief, too, that Lilly doesn't seem to mind either. After all, Logan was hers first.
"You know, initials aside, you've got to drop the V-card," she lectures, her lips barely parted from the rim of her cup. "Logan's not exactly a patient boy."
"He is for me." No use explaining to her that I lost that V-card years ago in a different reality. "Anyway, he'll have to be. I'm not ready for that, Lilly."
She stares, disbelief and mild annoyance on her pretty face. "God, Veronica, you didn't." Lilly groans. "God, I go away for four months and you go and fall in love on me." She shakes her head with fond disgust, and I can't help feeling I've disappointed her in some way even as I scramble to correct her.
"I have not. Don't be silly."
"So predictable," she sighs. "Have you learned nothing from me?"
I learned a lot from Lilly. Most of the lessons were ones I never wanted to be taught in the first place. Most of them came secondhand. "You're being ridiculous, I hope you know that."
"Oh, I'm the ridiculous one? What, are you, like, my mom now? You're the one who's in love with Logan Echolls. So I think, for once, I'm not the ridiculous one here."
"That is so not even true, Lilly." For one thing, love requires trust. I don't even trust myself on this topic. I can hardly be expected to go around, shouting my love from the rooftops like a Doris Day heroine. And I'm not about to burst into song. I've had my fairy tale romance, my shot at one true love, and it failed like Dick Casablancas taking an alegbra exam. I can't expect another chance.
"Good. You can't just go around hanging onto my discards forever. Summer's going to be here soon. And then I will come back and we will find you a real man for a few weeks of fun before I ship you off to college. There, you will learn everything I have apparently failed to teach you." Lilly beams and waves a finger chidingly. "Come winter break, I expect you to have grown up, you got it?"
"Yes, Mom." For a few moments, I'm silent. "I really missed you." If she didn't think I was crazy before, she must now. It's all I can do to swallow hard and pretend those aren't tears in my eyes.
There's something soft about her confusion, but I've never known Lilly to be quiet. Even her concern is loud and wry. "This is worse than I thought," she scoffs and gives my shoulder a shove. "Shut up, Veronica. You don't have to miss me. I know I suck at this whole remembering to call people thing, but it's not like I forget you. You're my best friend and we're gonna be like this forever, so you can just shut up."
"I know." A memory of a dream that, with her sitting there beside me, I should never have had.
This is how it's gonna be. From now on. Right? Lilly?
You know how things are gonna be now, don't you? You have to know.
Just like this.
This time I'm right. This time she doesn't have to worry I'll ever forget her. She's scornful and bewildered by me, both eyebrows raised, a hand akimbo on her waist, but I don't care if she wants to lock me in an institution after this. I launch forward and hug her again. I just need to feel her there and know that, this time, she's real. She ruffles my hair and calls me crazy, eyes rolling, as she tosses her hair back and smiles.
Just like this.