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[neptune_jackass]

It'd been three weeks since my girlfriend was murdered. Twenty-one days since I got the call from Veronica as she sobbed into the phone and tried to explain the unexplainable. I could remember everything about that night. I remembered pulling up at the Kane house and the cops trying to keep me back. I remembered sneaking around back and Veronica

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[returnofthekane]

Sometimes it's hard to breathe. Mostly it happens when I'm walking to the bathroom and I end up stopping in front of her door, that strong perfume still lingers in the air, even now, its like she knew she'd be gone and she poured it over everything to make sure we wouldn't forget her. She should know better than that, you couldn't just forget Lilly

[neptune_jackass]

I was just about to break into the house the way Lilly used to when she forgot her key when the door opened and I was greeted by one fucked up looking Duncan Kane. Wow. It was like suddenly flashing back to that night, the way he was nearly catatonic, lost in his own world and none of us could reach him. Of course not, Lilly was the only one who could reach Duncan. I could have kicked myself for waiting this long to check on him, but my stomach was already turning at being back here. How the hell did he stand it? Everything about this place screamed her name. It was like drowning in her

[returnofthekane]

I nodded and moved aside letting him wander into the house, which he did after a moment or two of hesitation. It was quiet now, too quiet, no soft echo of music coming from upstairs, nothing. Just the way the house creaked naturally, the absence of sound was almost tangible.

I closed the door behind us and sighed, "I should have called too, it's just been ..."

This was perfect, I could hear Lilly's echo of laughter at our stupidity, where ever she was she was getting a kick out of how uncomfortable we were. Lilly could find the humor in every situation, it's only fitting that I wanted to laugh at us myself.

"So ..."

'Nice one Donut,' I could hear her in my head, taunting me. It should scare me, that she was still so close, but it didn't. She was Lilly and if she wanted to haunt me she could, at least she'd still be here. The space she occupied would never be filled again, not her room and not in my heart, but she'd want me to keep living wouldn't she?

[neptune_jackass]

The moment I stepped in the house I was hit by the scent of her perfume. It was lingering in the air and it nearly brought me to my knees. God, why did you leave us, baby? She had to know we couldn't survive without her. She was our glue and now we were shattering. Man, I was a drama queen at times like this

[neptune_jackass]

Man, this was total insanity. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. If I'd found out Lilly was my sister...yeah, I couldn't go there. I just totally grossed myself out

[returnofthekane]

"Apparently there aren't enough pills in the world either, according to my mom I need to flesh out my mood. I'm letting this Veronica business destroy my motivation. It's like I have to remind her that Lilly existed

[neptune_jackass]

It enraged me to think about how the Kanes were dealing with Lilly's death. They'd practically locked Duncan in that house so that he was surrounded with reminders of his sister, but then they expected him to act like she was never there. Like anyone could ever forget Lilly Kane. It was impossible

[returnofthekane]

I smiled to myself, loud rock music, a fire and pleanty of Lilly stories to go around. It would be perfect; alright close to perfect, perfect would be having Veronica there to join in, but we both knew that would never happen; not now, not ever again. This was the end of the fab four, the bitter end

[neptune_jackass]

He sounded all the world like Lilly. She'd lost her mind when she found out and I had to beg her not to tell anyone, especially Duncan. I kept my eyes locked on the road as I took the final turn that lead to the beach house.

"I don't talk about. Nothing can be done, Duncan. It's just easier to pretend it doesn't happen and wait until I'm able to move out." I paused as I parked the car in the driveway. It hit me like a bucket of cold water that I sounded just like my mother.

"Dude, I gotta have your word that this stays between us. No one can know. Promise me."

I looked at him and it was the first time I'd ever had to say the word to Duncan. "Please."

I knew he wouldn't want to agree. Lilly hadn't either, but this wasn't up for discussion. It's just the way things were. Every family had their secrets and this was mine.

[returnofthekane]

He just wanted me to accept it? Just pretend like it didn't happen? What the hell? I just stared at him. Logan Echolls was not the kind of guy who just let himself get beaten up. Unless, it seems, it's his dad doing the beating. I was going to protest when he looked at me.

Did Logan just say the word please?

"Fine, I promise, but I swear to god Logan if ..." I wasn't sure what the if was, and I didn't know if I wanted to promise that if I saw Aaron doing anything to him that I wouldn't beat the living shit out of him myself. I was tired of people hurting people that I loved. I was tired of feeling powerless, and when I thought about it. This explained a lot when it came to Logan. Too much when I thought back on the years that I'd known him.

He finally pulled up to the beach house and took the keys out of the ignition but neither of us moved. He looked at me.

"I promise."

[neptune_jackass]

That was that. I knew he'd keep my secret just like he knew I'd keep his. That was how things worked with us. It was how things had worked with the four of us at one time. Now we were down to two

[returnofthekane]

"Lilly knew?"

I guess it would make sense, it's no secret that Lilly and Logan's sex life was more than active, if he had any signs of abuse she would have noticed. I couldn't help but smile, sugar in his gas tank? That was so like Lilly.

"Of course Lilly knew," And she hadn't told me. Lilly told me everything more than I ever wanted to know, but she hadn't told me my best friends dad was beating him. Maybe he gave her the same look he gave me, that would explain it. Logan was a lot like her, he was hard to say no to. Hard to give up on, hard to understand, pretty much hard all around.

Did I really just think that?

"He deserves worse," I choke out, trying to hide the blush creeping up my cheeks.

I pushed past him to the open fridge and grabbed a beer, I popped it open and took a quick swig, I didn't really like beer that much, but I was use to it by now.

"So what do you want to do?"

[neptune_jackass]

I knew exactly what he meant. This was the safe haven. The place where we were just us and didn't have to live under the watchful eyes of our families or the students at neptune high. I sat down in the sand next to him and stared out at the ocean

[returnofthekane]

Flamingo pink? God that would look horrible, but it would have kept Aaron out, Lilly was good at things like that

[neptune_jackass]

"What color?" I ask, more than willing to slap some paint on this place. Make it more mine. Hell, ours, because as far as I am concerned, it's as much Duncan's as mine. We always shared everything.

The thing about the ocean is that you can't help but feel small when you're beside it. No matter how caught up I get in my life, this is the place I can go to find my center. It's serene and I can feel the tension leaving my body.

"Of course she is." Lilly probably tagged along on the drive here. I'm not going to say that to Duncan though because he is already dealing with his own ghosts. "She's watching over us and running a mocking commentary to anyone who will listen. I hope she is having a blast man."

I finish the beer and feel the alcohol loosening me up. We should have brought a couple more out with us. It's not like the house is a far walk, but I'm really comfortable where I'm sitting.

[returnofthekane]

I shrug, "Something she'd like, a dark blue maybe?"

She always said her favorite shirt of mine was this deep navy blue, not her favorite color, but we couldn't go with that or we'd be back in the pink territory. Besides blue would be soothing, it'd give the place color and still keep it ours.

I smile at him and set my empty beer can down in front of me. Lilly making running commentary, of course she was. I could practically hear her voice in my head disecting everything we did. 'She how Duncan's shoulders are hunched? That means he's thinking about me, or Veronica, no he's thinking about me. Everyone's always thinking about me.'

"Lilly could have fun no matter where she was, I'm sure she's ..."

I couldn't finish that sentence, Lilly had to be ok and happy, if she wasn't then ... No she was. Lilly deserved to have peace, she may not have been an angel in life but she deserved the treatment of one in death, or the afterlife or whatever the hell happened to you when you died.