nerdyrobotlove'sEntry For The Anime Club's December 2008 Fanfiction
The Thirteen Days of Christmas
NRL: Isn't it the twelve days of Christmas?
Nrl: Usually, but there are Thirteen Court Guard Squads.
NRL: So?
Nrl: So! I'm doing a Bleach fanfiction with a holiday theme and you're questioning my tactics?!
NRL (shrugs): Why not?
Nrl: You're messing with the creative process!
NRL: Just start the story already.
Nrl: Fine.
X
"Oh, I'll get you this time, Ichigo. He'll never see me coming with my super cool fukutaicho [1] moves!" he proclaimed as he struck a bizarre pose that definitely did not prove that he had any "super cool fukutaicho moves." He leered at Kurosaki from his hiding place in the bushes [2].
"What diabolic act is he committing now?" Renji asked himself, his brow furrowed in suspicion. Ichigo was humming some strange (and definitely diabolic) tune and wearing a supposedly innocent grin. Renji wouldn't be fooled by the strawberry's tricks. Not this time.
Ichigo turned on the lights and Renji saw perhaps the ugliest being he had ever seen. Forgetting that he was trying to sneak up on Ichigo, he yelled, "Hollow!" and grabbed Zabimaru [3].
Ichigo [4], who was looking at the Hollow in awe, gasped as Renji came out from his hiding place, zanpaku-to [5] drawn and ready.
"I'll save you, Ichi!" And with one slice, the Hollow was defeated. Surprisingly, Ichigo didn't look pleased. In fact, he looked angry.
"Um, Ichi?"
"Renji, what in the name of the Underworld are you doing? Haven't you ever seen an inflatable Christmas tree before?"
"Christmas who?" the pineapple [6] inquired, quirking an eyebrow.
"What?" Ichigo gasped, "Haven't you ever heard of Christmas before?"
"Is she a friend from Karakura?"
"No. I can't believe you haven't heard about Christmas." As he said "Christmas," he clasped his hands beside his head and became all starry eyed.
"Tell me more about this Christmas," Renji asked, imitating his friend's way of saying "Christmas."
And so, Ichigo told Renji all of the wonderful things about Christmas. Renji listened with rapture and his eyes grew wide as he heard about the one called Santa Clause.
X
"And everyone pretends to like the fruitcake," Renji explained. He was at the Uraharu Shop, retelling the marvelous story of Christmas to Mr. Hat and Clogs, Rukia, and his taicho [7]. Byakuya was the first to speak.
"Yawn," he said, sounding less than amused.
The fukutaicho ignored his taicho's Scrooge-ness and continued, "But the best part is that you can write a letter to this guy, Santa Clause, and when he comes, he brings it to you."
"Just like a genie! Hahaha!" Rukia said, a goofy smile on her face.
Kisuke, who had been thinking it over, smiled and said, "Well, I don't know about you baca, but any guy who's giving away free stuff is a friend of mine."
"That's the spirit, Mr. Kisuke. Here's some paper and a pencil so you can get started on your letter," the redhead said, handing the storeowner what he needed to write a letter.
"I do not understand what kind of people celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts." Byakuya said, sneering.
"Like a genie," Rukia added gleefully, earning an annoyed look from her brother.
"Pipe down, Kuchiki. I'm trying to concentrate," Kisuke commanded, slamming his fist on the table. He becomes starry-eyed as he looks at the piece of paper Renji just gave him.
"This thing's as good as a blank check, direct from the first national bank of Santa Clause," he said as he walked away, dollar signs in his eyes.
"Oh, brother," Byakuya groaned, shoulders slumping.
"Yeah, you are," Rukia said stupidly.
"Alright, who's next?" Renji inquired, holding up several sheets of paper and a handful of pencils. Rukia started waving her hand in the air and shouting, "Me! Me!" she ran up to her friend, who gave her a piece of paper. Her excitement quickly faded from her face and was replaced with disappointment.
"There's no words on this paper," she commented, crestfallen.
"Not yet," Renji replied, handing her-drum roll please-
"A writing stick! Yippee!" she exclaimed, her excitement back and thriving as the pencil was placed in her hand. Renji then turned to Byakuya.
"Come on, Captain. Write a letter."
"Renji, grow up. No one is going to give me anything just because I write them a foolish letter."
"Come on. It's easy"
The sound of paper being ripped is heard in the background. Rukia comes back to her friend and brother, two halves of the piece of paper she had received earlier, yet she is still smiling.
"Renji, I ripped my piece of paper. Can I have another one?"
"Sure, buddy," he replied, happily handing her a piece of paper.
"Okay. Cap-"
RIP!
"Tain." Renji paused as the sound of ripping paper is heard again. Rukia, still smiling, returns with the paper she had just received, which is in two torn pieces.
"Um, Renji?"
He handed her a piece of paper. She goes to a chair and sits down on it. With the pencil in between her knees, she again begins writing by moving the paper over the point of the pencil.
"Dear San-Darn it! Not again!" she exclaims as her third piece of paper rips in half.
"Here, Rukia, watch me. Dear Santa," he addresses the ceiling, "what do I want for Christmas, you may ask? All I want is for you to visit the gentle folk here in Soul Society. That is my wish." He puts his letter in a bottle and puts a cork in it while Rukia stares at the ceiling, wondering whom the heck Renji was talking to.
X
Renji and Rukia are standing before the double gates top the World of the Living in a courtyard in Sereitei, a strange mechanical device in between them. Renji motioned to the mechanical device, which will henceforth be known as The Mechanism (ominous music that does not pertain to the story)[8].
"Rukia, I've designed this Mechanism specifically to shoot bottle to the Living World. The hopes of everyone rests on the success of its maiden voyage," he said dramatically, gazing intently at the gates to the World of the Living. He put the bottle with his letter in the canon of The Mechanism, which began to shake.
"Fire in the hole!" he shouted. He and Rukia covered their ears. The mechanism gave a pathetic QUACK [9] and the bottle flew through the gates.
"Santa!" Rukia exclaimed. She continued to look expectantly at the gates.
"Where's Santa?" she wondered.
"He doesn't come until Christmas Eve."
[10]
"Here you go, Renji," she continued, handing her childhood friend her bottle.
"What did you wish for, Rukia?"
"Another piece of paper," she replied. She had apparently had trouble writing her letter (again), seeing as it was in two torn pieces.
QUACK! The mechanism shot her letter to the World of the Living.
X
"And what did you wish for, little girl?" Renji asked the 11th Division fukutaicho [11].
"A better sense of direction! [12]" she exclaimed, "Kenny said I need better tracking skills after I lead him to the women's restroom instead of the men's. Boy, did those ladies scream!"
QUACK!
X
"I could use a new captain," Momo said tearfully.
QUACK!
X
"I'd like a spittoon [13] for when I have TB [14] attacks," Ukitake said with his hand over his mouth, trying not to cough up blood.
QUACK!
QUACK!
QUACK!
QUACK!
QUACK!
X
A large crowd was now gathered around The Mechanism (ominous music again that is not heard in the story).
"Excuse me. I am coming through," said a very irate Sixth Division Captain as he pushed through the crowd of Shinigami. His vice captain smiled, oblivious to the noble's annoyance.
"Great, Captain. You finished. What's your wish?"
"My wish is for the inhabitants of Sereitei [15] stop paying any attention to the inane dribble that is constantly streaming from this dunderhead's mouth," he replied coolly, pointing to a blank-faced Renji, who suddenly grinned innocently.
"Gee, Captain. Maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary, so I can understand what you just said." he turned to the crowd as the Kuchiki noble nobly [16] stalked off.
"We've got a lot of work to do, now that we've summoned Santa Clause. We must ready ourselves for his arrival."
-Begin Musical Montage-
"It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday. Not your normal, average everyday," sing Renji and Rukia as they cut down a tall Sakura tree with their Zanpaku-to. Byakuya, who is playing his violin, glances at his window.
"Sounds like someone just fell my old Sakura tree," he sings and sees his fallen tree. "Renji, Rukia, why'd you do this to me?"
"The world feels like it's in loverly," Renji and Rukia chorus as they are holding hands and spinning around.
"Go away before I harm you bodily," Byakuya sings threateningly.
"This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me," the two sing as they are buried in a mountain of Byakuya's garbage that he is dumping on them.
"They'll be shopping, decorating and plenty of snow," the two ex-gang [17] members sing. Renji is seen with a large amount of Christmas presents in a basket that, defying physics, is able to hold the precarious load. Rukia puts a chain of Christmas lights around her neck like a necklace and is then covered by a heap of snow.
"Hey, Rukia, who's that under the mistletoe?" Renji asks, pointing to the head of the Kuchiki house, who is, in fact, under the mistletoe.
"What? Who? Me?" he looks nervously at his watch, " would you look at the time? I should go!" he sings, bolting away from Renji's house (he was so scared at the thought of kissing either one of those two that he forgot about shunpo)[18].
Meanwhile, Kisuke and Soi Fong [19] are swaying to the music.
"People seem a little more brotherly," Soi sings.
"Here's a special something form you to me," Kisuke sings, handing the Second Division Captain a fruitcake [20], which is promptly thrown away and then fished out of the garbage can by her Special Forces and taken away to be interrogated and, eventually (sadly), executed.
"Even all the trash on Christmas, it smells so sweetly," Renji and Rukia chorus in the background.
"This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me," the chorus sings.
"Lalalalalalalaladadadadadadadadadada," Renji is singing repeatedly while cross-eyed and dancing in one spot. Suddenly he is in his taicho's doorway.
"What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy?" Byakuya sings after Renji has interrupted his battle with a jigsaw puzzle (the fiend of a jigsaw was currently winning).
"Step outside. We've got something for you to see."
"Renji, take this stuff down immediately," the noble sings in response to the large amount of Christmas decorations covering his mansion (and it's a big mansion).
"Chestnuts roasted and burnt to the third degree," Renji and Rukia sing as Ikkaku and Yumichika, who are sitting at a campfire, roasting chestnuts on their Zanpaku-to, put the chestnuts in their mouths. They promptly open their mouths, revealing that the chestnuts are very hot and on fire.
X
Okay, my laptop is evil. It said I was doing an "illegal activity" and deleted over a page of my work. In short, Santa doesn't come. Byakuya rubs it in Renji's face, but Renji still gives him a present: a violin made out of a Hollow mask. Renji made it himself and even carved Byakuya's name on it (in traditional characters, mind you). Byakuya feels like a (insert donkey picture and noise here) and decides to make it up to Renji by dressing up as Santa Clause. Renji, who looks like he's going to hang himself by his Christmas lights, hears someone ho ho hoing. He draws his sword. He cannot believe that it's Santa and just stammered "San sa sa san (gasp)!" He faints, but then wakes up and hugs "Santa," saying, "Oh, Santa! I knew you'd make it!" he them proceeds to questions "Santa's" appearance. Byakuya hurriedly explains (makes up, lies) that he isn't fat because he had to go through a spirit converter gateway since he wasn't a spirit being and Soul Society is a spiritual world (hence it's name, Soul Society) and that messed his body structure up. he also lies-I mean, explains that he doesn't have his reindeer or sleigh since he loaned them to Nian2 (the monster in the Chinese New Year Story who, oddly enough, eats people, but Renji would get an F in Chinese history, since he has never studied it). after Renji faints (again), Toushiro comes up to Byakuya, thinking he's Santa Clause. He asks for his gift. the Kuchiki is about to lie-I mean, come clean and say that he isn't Santa, but Renji appears out of nowhere, thus preventing the noble from telling the truth. After some quick thinking, Byakuya gives Toushiro a pair of high heels [21], which the Tenth Division Captain graciously accepts. Heck, he even puts them on [22]. Byakuya is then met with all of Sereitei, all semi-patiently awaiting their gifts. Now, to end of the story!
X
"Thanks, Santa!" Yachiru squeals as she gets a piece of yellowing paper labeled The Sightseer's Map of Chicago, Illinois, circa 1913 [23].
"Here you go, Sir. A bowl of mixed fruit."
"Oh, this is just what I needed," Ikkaku cackled, putting the bowl on his head and looking like Carmen Miranda [24].
"Cool!" Rukia says at the pure gold Pez Dispenser [25] that Santa handed her, "Gikongai!" [26]
X
I hope you enjoyed this. I didn’t finish it because it is 10:20 on New Year’s Eve and my laptop betrayed me. Just imagine the SpongeBob episode with the Bleach characters I switched them with. Happy New Year!