(no subject)
Honestly. Don't read it, unless you truthfully care.
Meh. I've come to a realization that everything happens for a reason. I need to get over it. I don't know why I've been wasting my energy, but I guess it's because when you find that you need to spend time with someone, everything cancels out. Rejection is a painful thing and well, I'm not very good at pain tolerance. I don't feel good, and nothing's helping it now. I like how I can separate my life neatly though. At school I'm one person, at home I'm another. The latter is an obnoxious whiny bitch that feels he needs attention. But I don't whine externally. I whine in my head, and I sit there quietly, barely communicating. I guess bottling things up isn't that healthy eh? Haha.. It's like that one Shakira song "Bruta, ciega, sordomuda / torpe, traste, testaruda, / es todo lo que he sido / por ti me he convertido / en una cosa que no hace / otra cosa mas que amarte" Psh. I'm not translating. Figure it out. xD
*sigh* fine. coarse non-gramatically correct translation (this.. rhymes in spanish. so there.) "idiot, blind, mute / clumsy, slow, dense / it's all that I've been / because of you I've become / into something that doesn't do / anything but love [you]"
That... sums it up. Pretty much. Not that I'm blaming. It's never anyone's choice. It just happens. And I laugh at the fact that it happened to me. I was supposed to be that bitter old man that chases kids off the porch. That's what I was waiting to become. I know I was lying to myself, but that's what I wanted. I wanted to be alone. Now I can't picture anything but being next to..... yeah. It's pathetic. And it's ruining me. And I don't know how to stop. And everytime I talk with her it gets worse. Much worse. Because I realize more and more that I care and that it would be an amazing relationship. And it would mean something.
I talked to her yesterday. And she told me it was her mom's birthday. Knowing her for quite a long time, I was surprised that she hadn't told me. So I asked her. And she said it wasn't relevant. Since when is it not relevant? That's such a frigid American thing to say. Of course it's relevant. Forgive me for caring about the people that made you. Forgive me for having a soul. So I know it's not perfection. And that realization makes it more valuable, since I tend to believe that everything can be perfect, except for the things I care about. Television? It can be perfect. Why? I don't care about it. And etc, etc. It's how I work. So it makes me feel even more foolish and stupid. And I'm quoting lyrics. Wtf. Wanna shoot me now or later? Now that I have someone to care for... the end seems so much more dramatic and unwanted.
*Laughs* Oh Christ I'm a retard. :) I'm going to go eat some cheesecake now. Food always cheers me up.
(Wtf? Why am I not a fatty. I eat so much)
Honestly. It's my pastime.
Meh. I've come to a realization that everything happens for a reason. I need to get over it. I don't know why I've been wasting my energy, but I guess it's because when you find that you need to spend time with someone, everything cancels out. Rejection is a painful thing and well, I'm not very good at pain tolerance. I don't feel good, and nothing's helping it now. I like how I can separate my life neatly though. At school I'm one person, at home I'm another. The latter is an obnoxious whiny bitch that feels he needs attention. But I don't whine externally. I whine in my head, and I sit there quietly, barely communicating. I guess bottling things up isn't that healthy eh? Haha.. It's like that one Shakira song "Bruta, ciega, sordomuda / torpe, traste, testaruda, / es todo lo que he sido / por ti me he convertido / en una cosa que no hace / otra cosa mas que amarte" Psh. I'm not translating. Figure it out. xD
*sigh* fine. coarse non-gramatically correct translation (this.. rhymes in spanish. so there.) "idiot, blind, mute / clumsy, slow, dense / it's all that I've been / because of you I've become / into something that doesn't do / anything but love [you]"
That... sums it up. Pretty much. Not that I'm blaming. It's never anyone's choice. It just happens. And I laugh at the fact that it happened to me. I was supposed to be that bitter old man that chases kids off the porch. That's what I was waiting to become. I know I was lying to myself, but that's what I wanted. I wanted to be alone. Now I can't picture anything but being next to..... yeah. It's pathetic. And it's ruining me. And I don't know how to stop. And everytime I talk with her it gets worse. Much worse. Because I realize more and more that I care and that it would be an amazing relationship. And it would mean something.
I talked to her yesterday. And she told me it was her mom's birthday. Knowing her for quite a long time, I was surprised that she hadn't told me. So I asked her. And she said it wasn't relevant. Since when is it not relevant? That's such a frigid American thing to say. Of course it's relevant. Forgive me for caring about the people that made you. Forgive me for having a soul. So I know it's not perfection. And that realization makes it more valuable, since I tend to believe that everything can be perfect, except for the things I care about. Television? It can be perfect. Why? I don't care about it. And etc, etc. It's how I work. So it makes me feel even more foolish and stupid. And I'm quoting lyrics. Wtf. Wanna shoot me now or later? Now that I have someone to care for... the end seems so much more dramatic and unwanted.
*Laughs* Oh Christ I'm a retard. :) I'm going to go eat some cheesecake now. Food always cheers me up.
(Wtf? Why am I not a fatty. I eat so much)
Honestly. It's my pastime.