So... I'm writing this paper...

[nerualauren]

And I need 10 pages, and I'm almost to seven, but no one wants to proof it. I am going to put it under an lj-cut and if anyone wants to help me proofread it, I will buy them something from Warped Tour as long as it is under 10 dollars. Or maybe 20. Yes, 10-20 dollars with tax. But if someone wants to proof it for free, I shall be your new best

Comments

First paragraph

[twinklefactor]

She is dressed in a tattered leotard and tutu with an empty yet determined gaze that can easily drill holes into your heart. Her long, braided hair is tied with a loose ribbon as she stands comfortably, almost lazily, in a position known to ballet dancers as the fourth position. This beautiful, famous woman is Edgar Degas’ Little Dancer - Aged Fourteen. Throughout history, dance and its persistent performers, have been subject to all forms of artistic expression. It is by means of sculpture, paintings, and architectural designs from magnificent artists like Edgar Degas, Auguste Renoir, Gino Severini, and Bill Brauer, that allow viewers to witness the complexity and simple elegence of dance.

Here is the first edited paragraph... English Lit / Art History major.. You lucked out. I'm assuming that the underlined sentence is your thesis statement?

Re: First paragraph

[nerualauren]

Oh my god. I love you and owe you my life. And yeah, I'm trying to make it my thesis.

This is for a friend of mine for her humanities class. It's not due until Friday but I want to get it to her by tomorrow.

Edit

[twinklefactor]

I think this line is better:

Her long, braided hair is tied with a loose ribbon as she stands in a comfortable, almost lazy position, known to ballet dancers as the fourth position.

Re: Edit

[nerualauren]

Is it horrible? Am I doing okay with the material?

I mean, I'm a journalism major but... this is kicking my ass.

Re: Edit

[twinklefactor]

Think of essay writing as, essentially, offering up a news article. You want it to be structured, factual, and to the point. I am, personally, a big advocate for a little whimiscality in an essay. Being poetic is definately helpful in getting a better grade... or always has been, in my case. But too much poetry will weigh down an essay and make it too purple prose-y. The beginning paragraph has a nice poetic rhyme to it. Stick with things like that.

Let me continue reading!

[twinklefactor]

Okay, here is some advice that I can give you when writing a paper:

1.) Never use adjectives or other common words twice in the same sentence, or in two different sentences.

Example: in the position most dancers know as the fourth position in ballet.
Better: in a position that ballet dancers know as the fourth.

Example: Regardless of the lack of description, Degas appeared to enjoy certain aspects of the dancing world. He enjoyed capturing the dancer’s practicing instead of the final outcome at the various performances.
Better: Regardless of the lack of description, Degas enjoyed certain aspects of the dancing world. He delighted in capturing the dancers practicing instead of their performance's finale.2.) Avoid things like, "appeared to," or "might have" etc. Essay's should be sound and concrete, so you dont want to include room for doubt. Like, he "appeared to enjoy." If it says he did enjoy, then just write he did

[nerualauren]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.

And you didn't offend me, you helped me immensely. I was just using things like "appeared to" etc as filler. Haha.

[twinklefactor]

Lol. Everyone uses that to add a few extra words to the word count or make the paragraph bigger. But you're better off cutting that kind of filler out and instead sticking legit BS in there. I use to do that A LOT until I finally noticed that all that stuff use to come back to me crossed out on my literature essays.

[nerualauren]

The problem is, on the first short essay I wrote it was very... Hemingway-esque. No filler, no bs, just straight facts. And my friend got a C+, the second I wrote contained to what I thought to be too much crap, but she got a 100%.

This teacher, I believe, is one of those that enjoys reading bs, as if she was reading a novel or some sort of short story.

Thank you again for your help. I'm going to need an address or something of yours to send you thanks personally.

[mirabeau]

Oh good lord. I wish I could help, but I wouldn't have much to say that would improve the paper. And, it looks like someone above me already helped you out immensely, lol. But...how is the paper coming along now? Got any more pages done?

I wish you all the luck in the world! And...if you need anything...I'm a pretty good B.S.-er, if I do say so myself. :D

lahve <3

[happytoday2u]

Im sorry, all i can offer is good luck!!!
so good luck!!!!