14 Questions on Non-Monogamy
This started out as a 14-day challenge on Tumblr last year, but I'm going to treat it as a big ol' questionnaire and post it all as one piece.
1: Describe the type of non-monogamous relationship you have? You can use an existing category or make up your own!
I'm married (almost 10 years) to my primary partner. I have a secondary partner whom I love a whole lot. I enjoy other entanglements that qualify as secondary or tertiary, but right now, I'm not actively involved with anyone but K and T. I miss my so-called "tertiary adjunct" (whom I adore unabashedly, even though the terms of our relationship are expressly non-romantic) something fierce.
2: When did you first realize you were non-monogamous? What was that experience like?
I was really never very good at monogamy, but I worked really hard at it for a long time. It took my husband giving me permission to get involved with someone else he saw I was into for it to really click.
3: Describe the best and worst experiences you’ve had coming out to people about being non-monogamous.
I'm not sure I can identify a best. Most people are sort of curious in a respectful way. Others, on the other hand, accuse me of not really loving any of my partners. Oh, and my grandmother said I was living like a prostitute, so that was fun.
4: How do you feel about your non-monogamy? Honestly…
It's the most honest, loving thing I've done. I have (produce?) so much love that it hurts to try to point it all in one direction. I can no longer imagine being happy any other way.
5: How did your family react? (or how do you think they will react?)
Dad's always been supportive, or at least kept quiet about it (maybe at first?). Mom never knew. Bean is sometimes silent about it, sometimes vicious. I cope. Nobody else makes a big deal either way.
6: What does marriage mean to you?
A hopefully permanent commitment to share lives in a uniquely intimate, practical, and collaborative way.
7: What do you think about hierarchical non-monogamy? (e.g. having relationships that are primary v secondary)
Despite the words, I don't consider the designations hierarchical. They're descriptive. A primary relationship is whole-life, in the sense that we're not only emotionally, but practically (financially, domestically, etc.) intertwined. A secondary relationship is a deep emotional tie, but not, particularly, a practical one (these are typically my favourite relationships -- I'm very independent, but crave emotional interdependence). A tertiary relationship, for me at least, tends to be more like a FWB arrangement -- no substantial romantic entanglement, but all the friendly, physical goodness. I suppose random hookups could be a whole separate, quaternary category, but since I'm not into those, I don't think too much about them.
It makes me sad that the partner who most went out of his way to get the hang of the lingo was R2DBag. He got really into it. I don't think I've ever told anyone that. He was pushing really hard to get from tertiary to secondary, the bastard.
8: A favorite picture, song or video you associate with non-monogamy.
9: Threesomes, foursomes, moresomes… What’s your view?
Hell to the fuck yeah. Well, in the right combination. For me, only with established partners who also get along and are hopefully into each other, though that's not a hard requirement. Never with anyone new -- that way lies awkwardness, for me at least.
10: What involvement have you had with any groups or organizations?
None, really. Ordered some merch from CPAA, that's about it.
11: The stupidest argument or comment you’ve heard about non-monogamy?
"If you're with someone else, you can't really love your husband/boyfriend." Fuck a bunch of that.
12: Your favorite Non-monogamous blog/site?
There are so many, but I follow Polyamory in the News pretty religiously.
13: Write a letter to someone. It can be a coming out letter or a letter regarding how you hate their homophobia or whatnot. You don’t have to send it?
The most important letter is already written and posted -- see my "A Letter to My Lovers".
14: Anything Non-monogamous you’d like to end this on?
I reserve the right to think of something later. :)
1: Describe the type of non-monogamous relationship you have? You can use an existing category or make up your own!
I'm married (almost 10 years) to my primary partner. I have a secondary partner whom I love a whole lot. I enjoy other entanglements that qualify as secondary or tertiary, but right now, I'm not actively involved with anyone but K and T. I miss my so-called "tertiary adjunct" (whom I adore unabashedly, even though the terms of our relationship are expressly non-romantic) something fierce.
2: When did you first realize you were non-monogamous? What was that experience like?
I was really never very good at monogamy, but I worked really hard at it for a long time. It took my husband giving me permission to get involved with someone else he saw I was into for it to really click.
3: Describe the best and worst experiences you’ve had coming out to people about being non-monogamous.
I'm not sure I can identify a best. Most people are sort of curious in a respectful way. Others, on the other hand, accuse me of not really loving any of my partners. Oh, and my grandmother said I was living like a prostitute, so that was fun.
4: How do you feel about your non-monogamy? Honestly…
It's the most honest, loving thing I've done. I have (produce?) so much love that it hurts to try to point it all in one direction. I can no longer imagine being happy any other way.
5: How did your family react? (or how do you think they will react?)
Dad's always been supportive, or at least kept quiet about it (maybe at first?). Mom never knew. Bean is sometimes silent about it, sometimes vicious. I cope. Nobody else makes a big deal either way.
6: What does marriage mean to you?
A hopefully permanent commitment to share lives in a uniquely intimate, practical, and collaborative way.
7: What do you think about hierarchical non-monogamy? (e.g. having relationships that are primary v secondary)
Despite the words, I don't consider the designations hierarchical. They're descriptive. A primary relationship is whole-life, in the sense that we're not only emotionally, but practically (financially, domestically, etc.) intertwined. A secondary relationship is a deep emotional tie, but not, particularly, a practical one (these are typically my favourite relationships -- I'm very independent, but crave emotional interdependence). A tertiary relationship, for me at least, tends to be more like a FWB arrangement -- no substantial romantic entanglement, but all the friendly, physical goodness. I suppose random hookups could be a whole separate, quaternary category, but since I'm not into those, I don't think too much about them.
It makes me sad that the partner who most went out of his way to get the hang of the lingo was R2DBag. He got really into it. I don't think I've ever told anyone that. He was pushing really hard to get from tertiary to secondary, the bastard.
8: A favorite picture, song or video you associate with non-monogamy.
Click to view9: Threesomes, foursomes, moresomes… What’s your view?
Hell to the fuck yeah. Well, in the right combination. For me, only with established partners who also get along and are hopefully into each other, though that's not a hard requirement. Never with anyone new -- that way lies awkwardness, for me at least.
10: What involvement have you had with any groups or organizations?
None, really. Ordered some merch from CPAA, that's about it.
11: The stupidest argument or comment you’ve heard about non-monogamy?
"If you're with someone else, you can't really love your husband/boyfriend." Fuck a bunch of that.
12: Your favorite Non-monogamous blog/site?
There are so many, but I follow Polyamory in the News pretty religiously.
13: Write a letter to someone. It can be a coming out letter or a letter regarding how you hate their homophobia or whatnot. You don’t have to send it?
The most important letter is already written and posted -- see my "A Letter to My Lovers".
14: Anything Non-monogamous you’d like to end this on?
I reserve the right to think of something later. :)