Psssst ...
... I know it's hard to believe but me is still alive - not kicking but alive.
I'm having a difficult time at the moment. I can barely concentrate on anything, life's moving so fast and I'm standing beside watching.
I don't have any energy. I'm antisocial and the mere thought of going out meeting my friends exhausts me.
Even answering the telephone annoys me to no ends.
All I really want to do is stay home, completely alone. I don't wanna see anyone and I don't wanna talk to anyone. I really don't know what's going on at the moment.
Actually everything's quite normal. Work's okay, and when I'm meeting with friends I do have a great time and when I answer the telephone I have a good and enjoyable chat - and afterwards I feel good and don't know why I hadn't want to meet or talk in the first place. Until the next day when the thought of calling someone or writing an E-Mail or attend a meeting or whatever causes me head aches because I can't make up another reason how to avoid it, everything.
Am I having a depression?
Am I turning into a hermit? Maybe I should grow myself a beard and move into a cave or something. Anyone's got a comfortable cave to rent? Geez...
Maybe it's just the season. Maybe I just need more sun.
Actually I feel better today. My best friend E. called yesterday. Yet another standard situation of my current being: She wrote a SMS asking if I'm at home and my first thought was "oh no, I don't want to talk, don't answer the SMS, pretend to be asleep or whatever, just don't" - but then I called her up and we had a long talk. First we were just making small talk, but then she said she's got the feeling something's wrong with me and I just told her everything.
My lack of concentration, my incability of sorting out what's important and what not, my reluctance to meet with friends or my family, my aversion against my telephone ... it was so good to talk about everything to someone who knows you in and out and who knows you're not asking for a solution, you're not even asking for help, you just need to get the stuff out of your head, off of your soul, it just needs to get out. I told her it feels like I'm constantly thinking in my subconscious mind. But I don't know what about. I can think of nothing keeping my subconsciousness that occupied. Nevertheless it feels like some process within me is eating up almost every ounce of energy I have.
I know myself, I know myself's manual by heart. When I would just hold on for a second to think about what's REALLY bothering me I'm sure I would be able to grasp it out of my subconsciousness and analyse it in the light of day. But since I DON'T hold on for a second I guess it must be something I'm avoiding to face so ... I guess I'll have to wait until "it" decides to present itself.
Anyway, now that it's been talked about I feel so much better - actually I feel better than I have since ... let me think ... November/December. Strange, isn't it? I mean my situation hasn't changed, we haven't solved anything, but I'm much more optimistic that everything's going to be fine again soon.
SO - much love to you, dear f-list,
Mel
I'm having a difficult time at the moment. I can barely concentrate on anything, life's moving so fast and I'm standing beside watching.
I don't have any energy. I'm antisocial and the mere thought of going out meeting my friends exhausts me.
Even answering the telephone annoys me to no ends.
All I really want to do is stay home, completely alone. I don't wanna see anyone and I don't wanna talk to anyone. I really don't know what's going on at the moment.
Actually everything's quite normal. Work's okay, and when I'm meeting with friends I do have a great time and when I answer the telephone I have a good and enjoyable chat - and afterwards I feel good and don't know why I hadn't want to meet or talk in the first place. Until the next day when the thought of calling someone or writing an E-Mail or attend a meeting or whatever causes me head aches because I can't make up another reason how to avoid it, everything.
Am I having a depression?
Am I turning into a hermit? Maybe I should grow myself a beard and move into a cave or something. Anyone's got a comfortable cave to rent? Geez...
Maybe it's just the season. Maybe I just need more sun.
Actually I feel better today. My best friend E. called yesterday. Yet another standard situation of my current being: She wrote a SMS asking if I'm at home and my first thought was "oh no, I don't want to talk, don't answer the SMS, pretend to be asleep or whatever, just don't" - but then I called her up and we had a long talk. First we were just making small talk, but then she said she's got the feeling something's wrong with me and I just told her everything.
My lack of concentration, my incability of sorting out what's important and what not, my reluctance to meet with friends or my family, my aversion against my telephone ... it was so good to talk about everything to someone who knows you in and out and who knows you're not asking for a solution, you're not even asking for help, you just need to get the stuff out of your head, off of your soul, it just needs to get out. I told her it feels like I'm constantly thinking in my subconscious mind. But I don't know what about. I can think of nothing keeping my subconsciousness that occupied. Nevertheless it feels like some process within me is eating up almost every ounce of energy I have.
I know myself, I know myself's manual by heart. When I would just hold on for a second to think about what's REALLY bothering me I'm sure I would be able to grasp it out of my subconsciousness and analyse it in the light of day. But since I DON'T hold on for a second I guess it must be something I'm avoiding to face so ... I guess I'll have to wait until "it" decides to present itself.
Anyway, now that it's been talked about I feel so much better - actually I feel better than I have since ... let me think ... November/December. Strange, isn't it? I mean my situation hasn't changed, we haven't solved anything, but I'm much more optimistic that everything's going to be fine again soon.
SO - much love to you, dear f-list,
Mel