Right before the fall
The first week of school isn't over yet, and I already have this sickening feeling that I'm going to fail. I don't feel like I'm performing to expectations at work. The boyfriend who was saying he wants to marry me and have kids now isn't returning my phone calls after I left him a voicemail saying I got the time off from work to go see him. My ex-love interest called me today and yelled at me for being rude (if anyone's ever yelled at me for being rude, I wasn't fully conscious while s/he was doing it) and hung up on me. My psychologist said that something's going to give, and it's going to be my recovery. I'm so tired, irritable, and discontent, and I'm trying really hard to still give a fuck, but the reasons why I should keep going like this just aren't coming to me. The biggest thought that keeps rolling around in my head is that I never wanted this in the first place. I was forced into it, and I only stuck with it because people were making all these promises to me about how good life was going to be. It's not good. It's not fun. There's no joy anymore. I feel like I got sold a shitty deal, or this is some bait-and-switch bullshit. No matter how much I tell myself that I knew this wasn't going to be rainbows and glitter, no matter how many times I hear my counselor saying that this is about learning how to meet life on life's terms, I still can't get over the fact that things aren't better than they were before, and at least before, I didn't have to feel it.