Kamenapped 2/2
Josh arrives in a pair of dark sunglasses. He is more disguised than any of them, and he keeps glancing around, all paranoid and weird.
“Why do you look so freaked out?” Jin asks, as soon as Josh reaches their table.
Josh just shrugs, sliding his sunglasses off and tucking them into the collar of his shirt. “I'm a popular man.” The thousands of Twitter followers he's managed to accumulate are going to his head. He catches sight of Taguchi, and extends a hand. “Hey, I'm Keibo...”
Jin wants to roll his eyes. Josh's Japanese name is the dumbest thing ever.
“Keibo-kun!!” Taguchi just says. “I've heard so much about you...”
“Really?? Josh slides into the seat next to Jin and picks at his fries. “From Jin?”
“No...” Taguchi motions at Nakamaru, who looks pink in the cheeks. Josh brightens.
“Hey man!!!! Long time no see!!”
Nakamaru looks so pleased. It's unfair. Josh has never been this nice to Jin.
“So, Yu-chan,” Josh is saying now, horrifying informal with Nakamaru. “You been workin' on that beatbox? You're, like, totally awesome at that. You rock that shit.”
“Thanks...” Nakamaru says. He looks like he's going to giggle with delight. It's DISGUSTING, Jin can picture him daydreaming about Josh asking him to prom or something, grosssssssssssss. “I try to work on it almost every day.”
“Cool, man. Really cool.” Josh's face twitches a little, and suddenly he looks incredibly awkward. “I guess that makes you the real star of KAT-TUN now, huh, big guy??”
Taguchi stares across the table at Jin in mute horror.
“I... guess...” Nakamaru says awkwardly.
“Too bad you guys don't get to be in the movie,” Josh continues. “What's it about, anyway?”
“Can't say,” Taguchi smoothly interjects. “Confidentiality agreement.”
“Oh.” Josh's face falls a little. “Well, listen, are you guys coming out with us tonight?”
Nakamaru and Taguchi look at Jin across the table.
“They're not coming out!” The words burst out of Jin. “And I can't come out either, I have work tomorrow...”
“What??????????” Josh just looks mystified now. Well, as mystified as someone can look while he's shoving handfuls of fries into his mouth.
“I have work...” Jin just says again, a little more helplessly this time.
Josh continues staring. “But you always have work... it's never stopped you before...”
Life is unfair. There's nothing Jin would like better than to blow off work for the rest of the week and go clubbing every night. He wants to dance with hot, foreign girls and throw back a couple of drinks with the guys. Instead, he's stuck in Kame's freaky apartment, sitting silently on that giant couch and googling HOW OFTEN TO WATER A PLANT on his iPhone.
“I'm being responsible,” Jin says.
Josh starts to laugh, but he stops when everyone else just sits there looking uncomfortable.
“What the hell, Jin?? Is this about Kamenashi??”
“No,” Jin says. You could hear a pin drop. Nakamaru keeps fiddling with his straw, trying to look like he's not even paying attention to the conversation, but Taguchi is just leaning back in his chair, watching Jin.
“It's not,” Jin says again, a little more forcibly, when Josh just continues to stare at him like he's lost his mind.
It's true that Jin has never been the sort of person to worry overly about his image in the media, but things are different now. Going out and getting wasted, then turning up to rehearse with KAT-TUN the day after was never that much of a big deal before, but now it feels like the entire world is watching him. Like everyone's just waiting for him to fuck up. Like Kame is waiting for him to fuck up.
I can do this too, Jin wants to say. Being Kamenashi Kazuya isn't all that special.
“Well,” Josh says. “I guess I'll... see you later...”
He looks so sad and bereft, like a puppy that Jin's callously kicked with his boot, that Nakamaru and Taguchi both turn and frown at Jin.
“What?!” Jin squeaks. “It's not about Kamenashi, and I do have to work tomorrow!”
“You could try being a little nicer,” Taguchi says disapprovingly. What a hypocrite. “Anyway, we don't have to work tomorrow. Rehearsals aren't until the day after.”
Jin bites his lip, then digs into his bag and pulls out Kame's organiser, flipping to tomorrow's date. He stares at it for a moment, then glances up in confusion. “I don't get it. What's with the hideous drawing of the turtle holding a camera?”
--
Jin knows nothing about photography. He knows how to use the camera on his phone, and he knows how to use a normal digital camera, but he now realises that nothing Kame owns is normal. He'd ventured into Kame's study upon arriving home, and had just sort of stared around in a strange mix of horror and awe. Kame's study is insane. When you walk in there's a big case spanning the length of one wall, with cameras lining every shelf. It looks like Kame is running some sort of psychotic camera museum. Jin doesn't even recognise half the things in there. On the desk in front of him (a huge, unused, Victorian-era piece of furniture) there sits a glossy new iMac and three cameras. One is huge and expensive looking. It's so heavy. The second is a polaroid camera, maybe. Jin can't really tell where the film goes in. The last one looks like it stepped right out of the 50s or something. It's weird looking, and pretentious, and Jin would bet any amount of money that Kame adores it. He stands in Kame's study, turning each camera over in his hands, trying to make a decision.
He finally decides on the big one, because at least it looks vaguely digital. He has no idea why there's a giant hole in the middle of it. It must take really big pictures. He turns it around a few times; flicks the on button. Nothing happens.
“I hate this shit,” Jin says aloud. He walks to the cupboard doors next to the desk and pulls them open, suddenly confronted with rows and rows of detachable camera lenses. The giant hole in the camera starts to make a little more sense.
--
Kame's manager comes by at noon to pick Jin up. Being Kamenashi Kazuya is weird. Kame's manager seems to know everything about his life. He has no idea who told the guy about the whole situation, but he moves around Kame's apartment like a pro, dropping Kame's mail on the kitchen bench and checking the answering machine.
“Hey,” Jin protests, when the answering machine starts playing messages from people Jin's never heard of. “That stuff's personal...”
He feels weird, standing there in Kame's living room, listening to messages from people he's never met. He has no idea who Tetsu is, but he's left a message on Kame's machine confirming their plans for Saturday. He's speaking all familiarly. He calls Kame, “Kazu-chan”. It makes Jin sick. He imagines Tetsu as some greasy social climber, just looking to sponge off Kame and use his money and connections.
Kame's manager looks at Jin with a raised eyebrow. “Alright.”
Jin can tell that he wants to say more, from the way his mouth quirks, but he's a professional at heart. Kame wouldn't work with anyone who wasn't.
“I'll check the messages later,” Jin says. “Kamenashi-kun would want a friend to do something like that.”
Kame's manager just looks at Jin like he can see straight through him.
“Well,” Jin says at last, after the silence in the room grows thick and uncomfortable. “I'd better go take some photos.”
The other guy is still standing there, right next to Kame's ugly bearskin rug, and Jin has no idea what he's waiting for until the guy jangles a pair of keys at Jin.
“Where do you want to go?”
“What? I dunno... I was just going to take the train...”
“The train.” Kame's manager eyes him. “I drive Kamenashi-kun everywhere.”
Holy crap, Jin thinks. He can feel the tips of his ears reddening. “Kamenashi has a personal driver?”
The guy just looks at Jin like he thinks Jin is retarded. “I take care of everything Kamenashi-kun requires.”
Jin had always wondered who the old guy picking Kame up from rehearsals was. He just thought Kame had acquired a sugar daddy. It makes more sense now, the way Kame always used to bundle himself into the back of a black car. He guesses that there's downsides to it, too, having someone organise your every movement. It's been years since Jin had to ask permission to go out somewhere.
Kame's manager is on the phone now to the editor of MAQUIA, discussing the fact that Jin's going to be taking over Kame's photography corner for an indeterminate amount of time. He's speaking in a low voice to someone. Jin keeps hearing him say Kazuya in hushed, quiet tones.
“I'm just gonna go for a walk,” Jin finally says, the camera weighing heavily on his shoulder. Choosing the right lens had been hard, but he'd eventually just opted for the biggest one. It's even bigger than the camera. It looks really insane, but Jin's determined to take a good photo.
--
Jin ends up in a small park by Kame's apartment. There are children everywhere, so he finds a shadowy spot by a tree and sits down. There's some sort of field trip going on down the road, and tiny children are passing in their little yellow hats and backpacks, holding hands in rows of two. Jin goes to snap a quick picture, but the lens magnifies the scene a million times over. It won't even focus. Jin feels like a big fat failure. Kame would've known which lens to choose.
He can't decide if he's sad or angry when it comes to Kame. He's angry that he has to live Kame's life, that he's been shoved back into KAT-TUN as thoughtlessly as a square peg shoved into a round hole, but deep down, he knows it's not really Kame's fault. It's not as though Kame would let someone kidnap him without putting up a fair fight. The thought of Kame punching someone in the face makes Jin grin a little, but his humour fades when he remembers the sight of Kame's dark, angry eyes in that video, and the way his mouth had trembled, just a little.
The thought that Kame might never come back makes Jin feel tiny and scared and alone. And desperately, deeply sad. Every time he thinks about it he feels a prickling at the back of his eyes, a sharp burning, and a tightening in the back of his throat. He wants to scream at everyone like Koki had, only he's become a little better at burying his feelings down deep.
Jin tilts his face skywards and snaps a photo of the sunlight peeking through the leafy branches overhead.
--
The reaction from the press has been surprising, rather than completely horrifying. Jin had expected the latter; would even have bet money on this whole thing blowing up in all their faces, but instead he keeps turning on the TV to hear people cooing about him on morning television.
“I really admire him,” one man is saying now, voice low and sincere as Jin sits there in Kame's living room, eating another big fruit platter that had mysteriously been delivered to the door early that morning. He feels like he's living on fruit platters.
The other hosts of the show all nod, and one woman leans forward on the couch she's sitting on, eyes bright with emotion. “I agree, the way he's come back to the embrace of KAT-TUN is admirable, especially combined with the extra work he's taking on as a favour to Kamenashi-kun.”
The hosts all sigh with happiness, and Jin hurriedly turns off the television. KAT-TUN rehearsals have been marked in the organiser for today with a thick, black marker.
Work on new single for Music Station performance, Kame has written carefully in the margin. Jin doesn't even know what the new single sounds like, so when he bumps into Nakamaru in the elevator at their rehearsal space, it's the first thing that comes out of his mouth.
Nakamaru's face relaxes into a smile, and he looks genuinely pleased to see Jin there. It's probably the earliest that Jin's been for any rehearsal, ever. He's running on Kamenashi time.
“It's okay, seriously,” Nakamaru says, thumbing the button for their floor. “No one talked to you about it?? We're doing a medley of our past singles instead. I don't think anyone expected you to know the new stuff.”
Jin feels the relief he felt when Nakamaru started talking begin to slowly melt away. “But... I.......... can't.............. remember............”
Nakamaru spins around and stares at Jin, who is floundering uselessly, eyes wide and desperate.
“Oh, god,” Nakamaru says. “You remember the lyrics, right?”
“OF COURSE I REMEMBER THE LYRICS,” Jin yelps.
The two of them stand there in silence, staring at each other, and finally Nakamaru speaks. “We're early, do you want to run through some of the old songs together, first? Before we see the others...”
Nakamaru is the best person ever. Jin could hug him right now, only it'd be the manliest hug ever, and he's not sure Nakamaru could handle it.
--
Three days go by without Jin venturing into the master bedroom. It's only when he's sitting on Kame's giant couch at 1am, watching one of Kame's stupid reality TV show DVDs -- this one's about animal rescue, that he stares at the tiny dachshund on the television and remembers that Kame owns a dog.
“Holy shit,” he says aloud, then he calls Nakamaru.
“I've killed Ran-chan,” Jin says, as soon as Nakamaru picks up. There's a long silence from the other end of the phone.
When Nakamaru finally speaks, his voice is a mixture of horror and confusion. “What? WHAT?”
“I'VE KILLED RAN-CHAN,” Jin says again, louder this time. His voice breaks on the last word.
“I'M COMING OVER,” Nakamaru says, just as loudly, and Jin is met with a dial tone.
He stares down at his iPhone, then at the door to Kame's room. It's time.
--
He can't see Ran-chan anywhere, and he's too scared to reach under the bed. Kame doesn't own a futon like a regular guy. He has this giant, old looking bed. The legs of it are carved to look like claws. Who knows what's under there. Knowing Kame, it could be anything. Then he thinks again of Ran-chan's lifeless body, or worse, Ran-chan laying under there, unable to move, weak from hunger, and he shuts his eyes tight and thrusts his hand under.
All he comes up with is a little dust, then his hand closes around cardboard, and he pulls out a box.
“KAT-TUN,” the sharpie on the front reads, in Kame's scratchy handwriting. Jin doesn't really know why he opens it, but the first thing he sees when he lifts the top is their dumb New York photobook, and multiple copies of their albums. Right down at the bottom, where Jin can only see the smallest corner, is the photobook he'd brought out earlier that year; AKANISHI JIN: THE WET SCENT. Josh had come up with the title. He'd thought it was sexy. Jin's lucky to have friends who are hip to the groove.
He stares at the corner of his photobook for a moment (photos of Jin, taken by Shumpei), then shuts the lid and shoves it back under the bed. He feels squirmy in the stomach. He feels sick. He doesn't know what he feels.
He catches sight of the photos on the night-stand, then, KAT-TUN circa 2005, happy and bright in the sunlight, Jin's arm slung across Kame's shoulder.
Jin feels like he's gonna puke now. He looks across the room and sees three Taguchi Junnosuke uchiwas leaning casually against Kame's dresser.
“Now I really do feel sick,” Jin says aloud, in an attempt to make himself feel better. It works, just a little.
He hears a loud pounding start at Kame's front door, and it's a welcome distraction. Jin doesn't want to think about the Jin in the photo.
Nakamaru's usually the one who keeps his head, keeps them all together, but he bursts into Kame's apartment, eyes wide and horrified and frantic. “WHERE'S THE BODY?”
“THAT'S THE THING,” Jin half shrieks. He sounds insane.
Nakamaru stops, and turns around to face Jin. “WHAT? You're speaking gibberish.”
“There's no body,” Jin repeats. “I can't find Ran-chan. I think he must be in Kame's creepyass bedroom, because it's the only room I haven't been into. I mean, I looked just then, but I couldn't see him. He could be in the cupboard or something. I think he's starved to death.”
Now Nakamaru's just staring at Jin like he's retarded.
“WHAT?” Jin whines. “A second ago you were ready to help me, and now you're just standing there doing nothing.”
Jin has this picture in his head of he and Nakamaru going to the the nearest petshop in the morning and buying a perfect Ran-chan replacement. Kame will never know...............
“Jin.” Nakamaru interrupts his scheming. “Kame takes Ran-chan to his mother's house pretty often. And Jelly, too.”
“What the fuck, Jelly,” Jin mumbles. He feels stupid again.
“His other dog,” Nakamaru says. He stumbles over to the couch and sits down, face white and drawn. “Oh my goddddddddddddddddd you had me freaking out. I thought I was going to have to help you bury Kame-chan's most precious treasure.” He has his face buried in a cushion, and his words are coming out all muffled. “You should check the answering machine, I bet there's something on there about Ran-chan. Kame usually makes his mum give him daily updates on the dogs...”
“Whatever,” Jin says, but he strides over to the answering machine and hits play.
There's a string of messages from boring artists and old people about charities and dinners and clothing lines, then Jin hears Kame's mother's voice. It makes him feel like he's 15 again, and she's ruffling his hair and inviting him over for dinner.
“Kazu-chan,” she says, voice warm and fond. Jin feels a little like he's crossing a line listening to Kame's private messages, but... Ran-chan's life is at stake...
“I'm leaving this because they told me not to try your cellphone, with the movie and all... I know you're busy, but I miss you! And Ran-chan and Jelly miss their daddy, too.”
Jin can imagine Kame's pleased face at hearing that last part. He lives for that sort of stuff.
“We're having a family day this weekend!” She's saying now. “You should come, if you're not too busy. Take some time out from that busy schedule of yours. We all know how hard you work, Kazuya. Don't think I didn't notice the way you skipped our salon date on Tuesday!”
The message ends a few seconds later, and Jin doesn't realise he's staring into space until he feels Nakamaru's presence at his side. When he turns and looks at Nakamaru, he sees mussed hair and tired eyes.
“Guess I overreacted,” Jin says, attempting a grin.
Nakamaru just looks sad. He crosses his arms, and leans against the wall by the phone, lit by the pale moonlight streaming through Kame's big windows.
“Ran-chan and Jelly miss their daddy,” he says. Coming from anyone else it would sound ridiculous, but Nakamaru just sounds sad, and a little lost.
“Shut up,” Jin says. His voice feels all tight and scratchy, like he's swallowed cottonwool balls.
Nakamaru's mouth twists. “What if he doesn't come back? What the hell are we going to do?”
“He's going to come back,” Jin says. He can't imagine a future without Kamenashi Kazuya. He's an unstoppable force.
Back when Jin first left KAT-TUN, Nakamaru had been the one who had made his peace with Jin the most quickly, had invited him out for dinner and toasted to his American success. Nakamaru looks sort of dumb sometimes, with his short hair and his nose and the fact that he looks perpetually 16, but he's one of the best friends Jin has ever had. He'd never say it aloud. Nakamaru's just a little like Pi; one of the people where it doesn't matter how often he sees them. Even after months they always fall back into their old roles.
“Okay,” Nakamaru says at last. He looks a little better. Less sad, maybe; a spark of hope in his eyes.
“Wanna watch Kame's animal rescue DVDs?” Jin asks. They spend the night munching on the giant fruit platters that keep turning up at Kame's apartment and weeping discretely over a special on a family of weasels who'd been in a fire.
--
They're on Music Station the next day, and even though Jin and Nakamaru are both sleepy, with dark circles under their eyes, watching that family of ducklings be rescued from certain death had been totally worth it.
“What the hell is he doing here,” Koki says, when they catch sight of Josh sitting in the audience. Jin has no idea how he got in, or where he got the bedazzled Nakamaru uchiwa in his hand. Josh is sitting between two tiny Japanese girls, and he's wearing a backstage pass around his neck.
Nakamaru looks pleased and embarrassed, all at once. “Keibo-kun!!”
Koki narrows his eyes. “What, you're friends with that guy now? He's just some American douchebag.”
He's staring at Jin, deliberately baiting him, but Nakamaru is the one who answers.
“He's not so bad... he's making a real effort to understand Japanese culture.”
They all turn and stare at Nakamaru, then, who looks shifty under the close scrutiny. He takes out his phone and taps at it, and deliberately ignores all of them.
“Josh is my friend...” Jin says, and to his horror it comes out as a whine.
“Keibo-kun can have more than one friend,” Ueda says. He's dressed in the same white shirt and dark, sequinned blazer they all are, but he has a giant bedazzled skull on his right cheek. “I think it's nice that he and Yuichi are best friends now.”
They're interrupted by the arrival of NEWS. Jin had kind of forgotten that they'd be there as well. Shige looks unwashed. He looks like a homeless man. Pi walks into the room looking like a golden god in a spangly yellow jacket, and Jin feels awkward for about 5 seconds, until he catches Pi's eye. Things are never weird with he and Pi.
“Hi!” Tegoshi trills, standing by Jin's elbow. Jin hadn't even seen him approach.
“Hi,” Jin says awkwardly. He doesn't really know Tegoshi. The Tegoshi in his head is a weird, dark-haired kid with bad teeth and a round face. He's never quite gotten used to the mini-Yamapi standing in front of him.
“I think it's awesome what you're doing,” Tegoshi is saying, his little face upturned and shining, eyes bright as he takes Jin's arm. “Sooooo cool of you.”
Jin feels like a giant, uncomfortable lump. He's used to smoothly extricating himself from the grasp of desperate ladies, but Tegoshi's holding on really tight, and everyone's watching. Pi looks like he wants to laugh. Taguchi really is laughing. The rest of NEWS file out of the room to get ready, but Tegoshi doesn't move.
Jin feels a slow, burning hate low in his gut. His head feels like it's going to explode.
“Right,” he says curtly, but his disinterest doesn't deter Tegoshi.
“Your hair looks awesome!”
Jin hears a snort that sounds suspiciously like a laugh from the other side of the room.
“Thanks,” he says, jaw tight.
“I'm really happy you're here!” Tegoshi is saying now, his tiny fingers digging into Jin's arm. “It's sooooo good of you to pick up Kamenashi's slack, especially considering how much of a jerk he is to you!”
Jin vaguely remembers seeing promos for a drama Kame and Tegoshi had been in together, with Tegoshi hanging off Kame and gushing to the cameras about how nice Kame-chan was. He wants to punch the grin right off Tegoshi's stupid little face.
“Shut the fuck up,” Nakamaru says. Everyone stares at him. Tegoshi drops Jin's arm.
Nakamaru's face is white, but he's staring calmly at Tegoshi, even though his voice is like ice. “It's not a good idea to talk about your seniors like that.”
Tegoshi's eyes are wide and round now, and he takes a step back, shrugging.
“Well... whatever... I don't know, maybe you were the jerk,” he says to Jin, in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“FUCK OFF,” Koki explodes, and now Tegoshi really does go scurrying out of the room.
“I wasn't defending you,” Koki says, not looking at Jin. They all know how horrible Koki is going to feel later. Koki never screams at people, even though he looks like a badass. Koki has the softest heart of all of them.
“I know...” Jin says. They all stand there awkwardly for a minute, and then it's time for them to take the stage.
--
It's one of the worst performances they've ever given. It's just a medley of their old singles, but everyone keeps forgetting their parts, and singing over Jin's. Jin trips and almost falls over. Josh sits in the audience gently waving his Nakamaru uchiwa with the rest of the teenage girls. Nakamaru runs an awkward hand down Ueda's side and Ueda looks horrified.
“SOMEONE HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THE FANSERVICE,” Nakamaru says later, face pink.
“I don't know if it's fanservice when one party looks like they've been raped,” Koki replies.
--
Kame's phone rings that night, and when Jin answers it he hears Kame's mum on the other end.
--
“I'm so happy you two boys are working together again,” she says, as she spoons mountains of food onto Jin's plate at the family barbeque Jin hadn't been able to talk his way out of. “You need each other!”
Jin thinks of Kame in that dark little room. He feels a little like he's going to break. That morning he'd woken up to find Kame's big ugly plant all brown and shrivelled. Every kind look Kame's mum shoots his way just makes it worse.
--
The second DVD arrives the next week, sitting innocuously in Johnny's mail. It's strange how such a small, flat thing can hold so much horror. Jin stares and stares at it, and a good part of him wants to launch it at the nearest wall and smash it into pieces.
It's their fault that he's been shoved back into KAT-TUN, and their fault that Koki has been shooting him glares for the past week.
The video opens with a shot of the same dark room, only it looks a little nicer now, with candles flickering at the edges of the grainy picture.
“This is your weekly status update,” Kamenashi Kazuya says.
He's dressed in new clothes; a shirt made out of something silky, and his hair looks soft and clean. Jin feels a sudden, inexplicable burst of rage. Kame looks a little like he's being doted on instead of held prisoner. It's just like Kamenashi Kazuya to charm his anti-fans into devotion.
He keeps talking, but Jin can only focus on the new clothes, the perfect hair. He's been feeling a weird mix of guilt and rage for the past week, imagining Kame in chains, but now Kame's sitting there looking more healthy than he's looked in ages. He even looks like he's put on a little weight.
“I've been killing myself with STRESS and Kamenashi is over there partying it up in the dungeon,” Jin says. He means to sound flippant, but his voice is wobbly, hands clenched into tight fists. Johnny stares at him like he's insane. Maybe he is.
“Kazuya is being held prisoner--” Johnny starts, but Jin interrupts.
“IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL CELL. I SAW A LEATHER ARMCHAIR.”
“Jin.” Johnny sounds tired again. He always sounds tired when he's talking to Jin.
--
The call comes the next day. Jin picks up the phone and hears a long silence, then the creepiest thing he's ever fucking heard.
“AKANISHI-KUN,” the voice says, all low and distorted. They must be using a voice changer. Jin knows how they work. He's seen Criminal Minds. “THIS IS YOUR ONE OPPORTUNITY TO COLLECT KAMENASHI KAZUYA WHILE HE'S ALIVE.”
The voice reels off an address that Jin hasn't even heard before. He has no idea how to get there.
There's a pause, and the voice starts again, sounding vaguely awkward. “IT'S WHERE YOUR REAL FACE PV WAS FILMED.”
'Okay,” Jin says, because he feels like he should say something.
“COME ALONE. NOW,” the voice demands.
A big part of Jin wants to scream down the phone, then smash it against the wall. It'd be so satisfying.
“Okay,” he says again, instead, feeling hopelessly lost.
--
“This is the creepiest thing you've ever made me do, and that includes the time you made me distract that chick's boyfriend with my sexy body so you could hit on her,” Josh says, from his place in the backseat, under a pile of blankets. The giant pile shifts, and Jin's hands tighten on the wheel.
“I TOLD YOU, YOU CAN'T MOVE.”
“It's not my fault,” Josh whines. “It's really hot back here.”
“Just stay quiet,” Jin says, but he regrets the order five minutes later, when he hears a soft snore from the back seat of his car.
It's kind of anticlimactic when Jin pulls up at the address, and Kame is standing there, alone in the moonlight, his arms crossed. Jin had been so prepared for the worst... he lets the giant, expensive-looking chef's knife he'd snatched from Kame's kitchen drop from his sleeve and fall onto the floor.
Kame's just standing there staring at the car, so Jin rolls the window down slowly.
“Hi,” he says, then, before he can close his mouth, “need a ride, pretty lady?”
Kame's face tightens. Jin doesn't even know why he says these things.
“Sorry,” he mumbles as Kame slides into the passenger side.
“It's okay,” Kame says. It's the most they've said to each other in months. “I'm just tired.”
They drive in silence for a few minutes, then Jin can't stand the silence anymore.
“Was it horrible?”
He sees Kame's shoulders lift in a shrug under the thin material of his shirt. It looks expensive. “It was okay. They were nice.”
Jin swings to face Kame, a look of exaggerated outrage on his face. “WHAT? THEY KIDNAPPED YOU.”
“They were nice in the end...” Kame fiddles with the hem of his shirt. “They're only kids.”
Jin can feel his mouth hanging open. “THEY KIDNAPPED YOU, WHAT THE FUCK.”
Kame's starting to look defensive now, even though he hasn't met Jin's eyes since he got into the car. “Look, they just misunderstood the situation. They had your best interests at heart, anyway.”
“They're batshit,” Jin says bluntly.
Kame just shrugs again, face turned toward the long, dark road ahead. “People do some pretty crazy things for love, I guess.”
“They don't even know me,” Jin says.
The silence stretches out between them, vast and impossible, until Josh's dumb voice breaks it.
“Guys... I hate to interrupt... but I'm really hungry...”
Kame jumps a little at the sudden sound, and spins around in his seat, eyes wide and surprised. When Jin glances in the rearview mirror he sees Josh sitting up, hair mussed and eyes bleary, like a little kid.
“Hey,” Josh says, staring at Kame. “Awesome to see you alive, man. You had us all worried for a while there.”
“Thanks,” Kame says, staring back. “Your Japanese is really good.” Polite as ever.
Josh looks delighted.
“This is Josh,” Jin says. His voice is loud and he feels something desperate and vicious snaking around inside his chest. “My best friend.”
“Nice to meet you.” Kame bows a little, awkwardly, from the front seat, all twisted around.
If Jin had thought it'd be him and Josh sitting there and laughing, he's sadly mistaken.
“I'll rescue you,” Josh is saying now, and his voice rises up in song. “Please take me back home.......” He looks delighted with himself.
“Runnin' up, imma runnin',” Kame says in the worst accent ever. His English is so bad........... Jin feels so constantly betrayed by Josh, and he can't even complain about it, because he'd just look insane.
Kame looks really pleased now, face shining with happiness. He looks so much happier talking to stupid Josh about stupid KAT-TUN than he had when Jin saved his life. It just doesn't seem fair. The moment hangs in the air, and Jin feels a little like he's jumping off a cliff when he opens his mouth and howls, “I DON'T WANNA CRY ALONNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”
It's a leap of faith.
--
The three of them crash in Kame's apartment after an awkward moment of indecision at Kame's door. Josh had kept insisting on walking Kame to his door.
“I'm your new bodyguard,” he says now, stumbling tiredly along.
“Cool,” Kame replies in English, and Josh just beams. Jin kind of feels like the third wheel...
Kame pushes open the door and he's at the phone immediately, hitting the speed dial button for Johnny's private number. Jin can hear the low murmur of his voice as he fills Johnny in, and he crosses to the giant couch in the next room, Josh trailing him like a puppy.
“I'll sleep on the couch,” Josh announces, and Jin looks at him in alarm.
“Dude, no, this has been my bed for the past week.”
Josh frowns. “So protective... I'll take the spare room, then.”
There is no spare room. Kame's apartment is big, but all the spare rooms have been turned into weird things. There's room of exercise equipment, and some sort of weird room filled with aromatherapy shit, but Kame doesn't even have a guest room.
“There's no guest room,” Jin says. He feels, suddenly, that this has all been a terrible idea. He has no idea why he lets Josh talk him into anything. It'd seemed so reasonable when he'd looked at the late hour, and the plan had been cemented when he'd realised that he had no idea where his own keys were, but now it seems insane...
“I'll bunk with Kame-chan,” Josh says. If Jin didn't know better, he'd think Josh was smirking at him.
“What the fuck,” Jin says. “As if. Besides, he'd never let you.”
“He'd let me if I asked!” Josh looks a little put out. “We're friends now...”
“Don't ask!” Jin doesn't mean to snap, and he lowers his voice. “He really hates sleeping with people..........”
It's a lie. When they'd been younger they'd shared a bed more times than Jin can remember, and he'd always woken in the morning with Kame wrapped around him like a skinny, clingy monkey, face smashed into Jin's neck, breathing slow and heavy.
“Well,” Josh says. “Whatever, I'm sure it'll be okay. I'll ask him when he gets off the phone.”
“Ask me what?” Kame's standing in the door, squinting at them.
“If you have a spare blanket,” Josh says, before Jin can even open his mouth. “I'm taking the couch, and Jin's crashing in your bed.”
Kame just looks tired and confused. And he stands there for a minute, staring blankly at the two of them, before going into his bedroom and dragging out a thick blanket with stars printed all over the fleece.
“Here...” he says, holding it out uncertainly.
Josh snatches it from his outstretched hand and wraps it around himself, falling onto the couch. “Thanks, man. Night!!”
Jin waits until Kame leaves the room, still looking perplexed, then he turns on Josh.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS SO WEIRD.” He wants to sound angry, but he has to be super quiet, so his voice just comes out in a low hiss.
“I'm helping repair a precious friendship,” Josh says, blinking up at Jin. He's all wrapped up like a caterpillar, snug in his fleecey cocoon.
“I don't even know what to say right now,” Jin says. He really doesn't. Josh has always been kind of retarded, but this is a whole new level. He misses his cool American friend who liked clubbing and drinking and girls.
“I was so bored last week,” Josh says. His eyes are all big and misty. “I went through your entire DVD collection. I watched Gokusen 2.”
“Oh, god,” Jin says.
“Kurogin.........” Josh says.
“JUST THE OTHER DAY YOU WERE MOCKING HIS LADY SHIRTS,” Jin hisses.
Josh just nods, distantly, and now he looks deeply, horrifyingly sincere. “That was before I knew... kizuna...”
Jin leaves the room.
--
When he walks into Kame's room, Kame is standing next to his psychotic camera wall, arranging all the giant lenses.
“Sorry,” Jin says, though he doesn't really know why he's apologising.
Kame finishes up, sliding the last lense into place before shutting the door. “Did you manage to take the photo okay?”
Jin bristles a little. It feels like Kame is doubting his awesome photography skills. “Yeah, it was fine. They said it was one of the best photos they'd ever seen.”
Kame turns Jin into a retard.
He studies Jin for a moment, then just nods, crossing to the bed. “Great.”
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Jin wants to say when he realises Kame is wearing his pyjamas; plain flannel pants and a white shirt. This is so awkward.
“Listen,” he says instead, when he sees Kame sliding under the sheets. “I can sleep in my car, it's not a big deal.”
Kame rolls his eyes, then, and Jin finds himself unexpectedly grateful to see Kame showing any sort of emotion at all. “It's fine.”
Jin takes one step, then another, and finally crawls onto the bed, his face smushed into the pillow. He's laying on top of the covers, and he can feel the bed shift every time Kame moves.
“You can take off your hoodie,” Kame says. He just sounds amused now.
“I might get cold,” Jin mumbles. If this was a dumb romance novel Kame would sweep Jin into his arms and say something about warming him up. Jin has no idea why he thinks about these things. He has the worst brain ever. Sometimes he just thinks about the most terrible outcome to any situation ever, just to horrify himself.
Silence stretches out between them again, and this time there's no Josh to interrupt it.
“I saw your Music Station performance,” Kame says finally. “It was the worst thing I've ever seen.” Jin can't see him, what with the darkness and the fact that his face is half buried in a pillow, but he cracks one eye open anyway. The Jin of a few years ago, and even a few weeks ago would have bristled at that, but Jin doesn't really feel like himself right now. He feels half like a little kid again, and half like he's growing up.
“I know,” he says, finally. “But you have to give it points for sexiness. Nakamaru really worked it.”
Kame lets out a short, surprised laugh, then dissolves into helpless giggles. He sounds really uncool, like a gurgling baby, and Jin feels smug.
“I guess he did...” Kame's laughter is trailing off.
“Did those kidnappers really suck?” Jin knows he asked about them before, but things feel different now, safer, in Kame's dark, quiet bedroom.
Kame pauses, as if thinking. “They did at first... but then I was nice to them... and we talked about you... and they cried... then they let me go.”
“They cried,” Jin repeats.
Kame shifts so he's laying on his side. Jin can see the pale smudge of his face through the night.
“Your fans really love you,” he says quietly, hair falling into his dark, serious eyes. “They just want you to be happy.”
“I know,” Jin says, fingers toying with the sleeves of his hoodie. “But that was the worst way to make me happy, ever. I had to do your radio show. People rang in and complained. They said that my Kanye West marathon was a bad idea.”
Kame's mouth quirks. “You gave really bad advice, too.”
“I KNOW,” Jin says. He'd ended up having an on-air fight with a 12 yr old girl about Pokemon.
“They thought I had everything, and they wanted you to have everything as well,” Kame is saying now, his voice low and steady.
“That's not what I want,” Jin says. “I just wanna do my own thing.”
“I know,” Kame says. He sounds tired.
“You don't...” Jin feels frustrated and restless. “You don't get it cause you do everything for other people. I wanna do things for myself.”
Kame's quiet for a long time. “That's stupid,” he says at last. “I do things for myself. Everyone does. I get it, okay?”
“You hate me for leaving,” Jin says. His mouth has a mind of its own.
Kame shifts again, but Jin doesn't look at his face, just pushes his own face further into the pillow. He feels like a big dumb baby. This is all Josh's fault.
“I don't hate you, Jin. No one hates you. Don't believe your own press.”
“Koki hates me,” Jin says, and Kame starts laughing, half hiccuping.
“Okay, maybe Koki, but it's not hard to win Koki back. Buy him an outfit for his dog or something.”
“I'm never coming back,” Jin says.
“I know,” Kame says. “It doesn't matter. If you're going to do this, you have to do it right. Do it with all your heart.”
“Everyone thinks I've broken everything,” Jin continues. It's like Kame is his therapist. He can't even look at Kame, because knowing Kame, he's tearing up, and if Jin cries right now he'll never ever forgive himself. He feels so incredibly emotional. He hesitates, then reaches out and presses Kame's rainbow necklace into his hand, fingers closing around Kame's fist for a brief second before pulling back.
“Nothing's ever really broken that can't be fixed,” Kame says in a suspiciously quavery little voice, one of those stupid wise old man sayings he likes to throw into the conversation every now and then.
Jin falls asleep, Kame a warm, reassuring weight at his side. Maybe in the morning they'll eat breakfast together, and mock Josh a little for knowing the entire Real Face rap, and then they'll see KAT-TUN, and it'll be like old times, only better.
“Why do you look so freaked out?” Jin asks, as soon as Josh reaches their table.
Josh just shrugs, sliding his sunglasses off and tucking them into the collar of his shirt. “I'm a popular man.” The thousands of Twitter followers he's managed to accumulate are going to his head. He catches sight of Taguchi, and extends a hand. “Hey, I'm Keibo...”
Jin wants to roll his eyes. Josh's Japanese name is the dumbest thing ever.
“Keibo-kun!!” Taguchi just says. “I've heard so much about you...”
“Really?? Josh slides into the seat next to Jin and picks at his fries. “From Jin?”
“No...” Taguchi motions at Nakamaru, who looks pink in the cheeks. Josh brightens.
“Hey man!!!! Long time no see!!”
Nakamaru looks so pleased. It's unfair. Josh has never been this nice to Jin.
“So, Yu-chan,” Josh is saying now, horrifying informal with Nakamaru. “You been workin' on that beatbox? You're, like, totally awesome at that. You rock that shit.”
“Thanks...” Nakamaru says. He looks like he's going to giggle with delight. It's DISGUSTING, Jin can picture him daydreaming about Josh asking him to prom or something, grosssssssssssss. “I try to work on it almost every day.”
“Cool, man. Really cool.” Josh's face twitches a little, and suddenly he looks incredibly awkward. “I guess that makes you the real star of KAT-TUN now, huh, big guy??”
Taguchi stares across the table at Jin in mute horror.
“I... guess...” Nakamaru says awkwardly.
“Too bad you guys don't get to be in the movie,” Josh continues. “What's it about, anyway?”
“Can't say,” Taguchi smoothly interjects. “Confidentiality agreement.”
“Oh.” Josh's face falls a little. “Well, listen, are you guys coming out with us tonight?”
Nakamaru and Taguchi look at Jin across the table.
“They're not coming out!” The words burst out of Jin. “And I can't come out either, I have work tomorrow...”
“What??????????” Josh just looks mystified now. Well, as mystified as someone can look while he's shoving handfuls of fries into his mouth.
“I have work...” Jin just says again, a little more helplessly this time.
Josh continues staring. “But you always have work... it's never stopped you before...”
Life is unfair. There's nothing Jin would like better than to blow off work for the rest of the week and go clubbing every night. He wants to dance with hot, foreign girls and throw back a couple of drinks with the guys. Instead, he's stuck in Kame's freaky apartment, sitting silently on that giant couch and googling HOW OFTEN TO WATER A PLANT on his iPhone.
“I'm being responsible,” Jin says.
Josh starts to laugh, but he stops when everyone else just sits there looking uncomfortable.
“What the hell, Jin?? Is this about Kamenashi??”
“No,” Jin says. You could hear a pin drop. Nakamaru keeps fiddling with his straw, trying to look like he's not even paying attention to the conversation, but Taguchi is just leaning back in his chair, watching Jin.
“It's not,” Jin says again, a little more forcibly, when Josh just continues to stare at him like he's lost his mind.
It's true that Jin has never been the sort of person to worry overly about his image in the media, but things are different now. Going out and getting wasted, then turning up to rehearse with KAT-TUN the day after was never that much of a big deal before, but now it feels like the entire world is watching him. Like everyone's just waiting for him to fuck up. Like Kame is waiting for him to fuck up.
I can do this too, Jin wants to say. Being Kamenashi Kazuya isn't all that special.
“Well,” Josh says. “I guess I'll... see you later...”
He looks so sad and bereft, like a puppy that Jin's callously kicked with his boot, that Nakamaru and Taguchi both turn and frown at Jin.
“What?!” Jin squeaks. “It's not about Kamenashi, and I do have to work tomorrow!”
“You could try being a little nicer,” Taguchi says disapprovingly. What a hypocrite. “Anyway, we don't have to work tomorrow. Rehearsals aren't until the day after.”
Jin bites his lip, then digs into his bag and pulls out Kame's organiser, flipping to tomorrow's date. He stares at it for a moment, then glances up in confusion. “I don't get it. What's with the hideous drawing of the turtle holding a camera?”
--
Jin knows nothing about photography. He knows how to use the camera on his phone, and he knows how to use a normal digital camera, but he now realises that nothing Kame owns is normal. He'd ventured into Kame's study upon arriving home, and had just sort of stared around in a strange mix of horror and awe. Kame's study is insane. When you walk in there's a big case spanning the length of one wall, with cameras lining every shelf. It looks like Kame is running some sort of psychotic camera museum. Jin doesn't even recognise half the things in there. On the desk in front of him (a huge, unused, Victorian-era piece of furniture) there sits a glossy new iMac and three cameras. One is huge and expensive looking. It's so heavy. The second is a polaroid camera, maybe. Jin can't really tell where the film goes in. The last one looks like it stepped right out of the 50s or something. It's weird looking, and pretentious, and Jin would bet any amount of money that Kame adores it. He stands in Kame's study, turning each camera over in his hands, trying to make a decision.
He finally decides on the big one, because at least it looks vaguely digital. He has no idea why there's a giant hole in the middle of it. It must take really big pictures. He turns it around a few times; flicks the on button. Nothing happens.
“I hate this shit,” Jin says aloud. He walks to the cupboard doors next to the desk and pulls them open, suddenly confronted with rows and rows of detachable camera lenses. The giant hole in the camera starts to make a little more sense.
--
Kame's manager comes by at noon to pick Jin up. Being Kamenashi Kazuya is weird. Kame's manager seems to know everything about his life. He has no idea who told the guy about the whole situation, but he moves around Kame's apartment like a pro, dropping Kame's mail on the kitchen bench and checking the answering machine.
“Hey,” Jin protests, when the answering machine starts playing messages from people Jin's never heard of. “That stuff's personal...”
He feels weird, standing there in Kame's living room, listening to messages from people he's never met. He has no idea who Tetsu is, but he's left a message on Kame's machine confirming their plans for Saturday. He's speaking all familiarly. He calls Kame, “Kazu-chan”. It makes Jin sick. He imagines Tetsu as some greasy social climber, just looking to sponge off Kame and use his money and connections.
Kame's manager looks at Jin with a raised eyebrow. “Alright.”
Jin can tell that he wants to say more, from the way his mouth quirks, but he's a professional at heart. Kame wouldn't work with anyone who wasn't.
“I'll check the messages later,” Jin says. “Kamenashi-kun would want a friend to do something like that.”
Kame's manager just looks at Jin like he can see straight through him.
“Well,” Jin says at last, after the silence in the room grows thick and uncomfortable. “I'd better go take some photos.”
The other guy is still standing there, right next to Kame's ugly bearskin rug, and Jin has no idea what he's waiting for until the guy jangles a pair of keys at Jin.
“Where do you want to go?”
“What? I dunno... I was just going to take the train...”
“The train.” Kame's manager eyes him. “I drive Kamenashi-kun everywhere.”
Holy crap, Jin thinks. He can feel the tips of his ears reddening. “Kamenashi has a personal driver?”
The guy just looks at Jin like he thinks Jin is retarded. “I take care of everything Kamenashi-kun requires.”
Jin had always wondered who the old guy picking Kame up from rehearsals was. He just thought Kame had acquired a sugar daddy. It makes more sense now, the way Kame always used to bundle himself into the back of a black car. He guesses that there's downsides to it, too, having someone organise your every movement. It's been years since Jin had to ask permission to go out somewhere.
Kame's manager is on the phone now to the editor of MAQUIA, discussing the fact that Jin's going to be taking over Kame's photography corner for an indeterminate amount of time. He's speaking in a low voice to someone. Jin keeps hearing him say Kazuya in hushed, quiet tones.
“I'm just gonna go for a walk,” Jin finally says, the camera weighing heavily on his shoulder. Choosing the right lens had been hard, but he'd eventually just opted for the biggest one. It's even bigger than the camera. It looks really insane, but Jin's determined to take a good photo.
--
Jin ends up in a small park by Kame's apartment. There are children everywhere, so he finds a shadowy spot by a tree and sits down. There's some sort of field trip going on down the road, and tiny children are passing in their little yellow hats and backpacks, holding hands in rows of two. Jin goes to snap a quick picture, but the lens magnifies the scene a million times over. It won't even focus. Jin feels like a big fat failure. Kame would've known which lens to choose.
He can't decide if he's sad or angry when it comes to Kame. He's angry that he has to live Kame's life, that he's been shoved back into KAT-TUN as thoughtlessly as a square peg shoved into a round hole, but deep down, he knows it's not really Kame's fault. It's not as though Kame would let someone kidnap him without putting up a fair fight. The thought of Kame punching someone in the face makes Jin grin a little, but his humour fades when he remembers the sight of Kame's dark, angry eyes in that video, and the way his mouth had trembled, just a little.
The thought that Kame might never come back makes Jin feel tiny and scared and alone. And desperately, deeply sad. Every time he thinks about it he feels a prickling at the back of his eyes, a sharp burning, and a tightening in the back of his throat. He wants to scream at everyone like Koki had, only he's become a little better at burying his feelings down deep.
Jin tilts his face skywards and snaps a photo of the sunlight peeking through the leafy branches overhead.
--
The reaction from the press has been surprising, rather than completely horrifying. Jin had expected the latter; would even have bet money on this whole thing blowing up in all their faces, but instead he keeps turning on the TV to hear people cooing about him on morning television.
“I really admire him,” one man is saying now, voice low and sincere as Jin sits there in Kame's living room, eating another big fruit platter that had mysteriously been delivered to the door early that morning. He feels like he's living on fruit platters.
The other hosts of the show all nod, and one woman leans forward on the couch she's sitting on, eyes bright with emotion. “I agree, the way he's come back to the embrace of KAT-TUN is admirable, especially combined with the extra work he's taking on as a favour to Kamenashi-kun.”
The hosts all sigh with happiness, and Jin hurriedly turns off the television. KAT-TUN rehearsals have been marked in the organiser for today with a thick, black marker.
Work on new single for Music Station performance, Kame has written carefully in the margin. Jin doesn't even know what the new single sounds like, so when he bumps into Nakamaru in the elevator at their rehearsal space, it's the first thing that comes out of his mouth.
Nakamaru's face relaxes into a smile, and he looks genuinely pleased to see Jin there. It's probably the earliest that Jin's been for any rehearsal, ever. He's running on Kamenashi time.
“It's okay, seriously,” Nakamaru says, thumbing the button for their floor. “No one talked to you about it?? We're doing a medley of our past singles instead. I don't think anyone expected you to know the new stuff.”
Jin feels the relief he felt when Nakamaru started talking begin to slowly melt away. “But... I.......... can't.............. remember............”
Nakamaru spins around and stares at Jin, who is floundering uselessly, eyes wide and desperate.
“Oh, god,” Nakamaru says. “You remember the lyrics, right?”
“OF COURSE I REMEMBER THE LYRICS,” Jin yelps.
The two of them stand there in silence, staring at each other, and finally Nakamaru speaks. “We're early, do you want to run through some of the old songs together, first? Before we see the others...”
Nakamaru is the best person ever. Jin could hug him right now, only it'd be the manliest hug ever, and he's not sure Nakamaru could handle it.
--
Three days go by without Jin venturing into the master bedroom. It's only when he's sitting on Kame's giant couch at 1am, watching one of Kame's stupid reality TV show DVDs -- this one's about animal rescue, that he stares at the tiny dachshund on the television and remembers that Kame owns a dog.
“Holy shit,” he says aloud, then he calls Nakamaru.
“I've killed Ran-chan,” Jin says, as soon as Nakamaru picks up. There's a long silence from the other end of the phone.
When Nakamaru finally speaks, his voice is a mixture of horror and confusion. “What? WHAT?”
“I'VE KILLED RAN-CHAN,” Jin says again, louder this time. His voice breaks on the last word.
“I'M COMING OVER,” Nakamaru says, just as loudly, and Jin is met with a dial tone.
He stares down at his iPhone, then at the door to Kame's room. It's time.
--
He can't see Ran-chan anywhere, and he's too scared to reach under the bed. Kame doesn't own a futon like a regular guy. He has this giant, old looking bed. The legs of it are carved to look like claws. Who knows what's under there. Knowing Kame, it could be anything. Then he thinks again of Ran-chan's lifeless body, or worse, Ran-chan laying under there, unable to move, weak from hunger, and he shuts his eyes tight and thrusts his hand under.
All he comes up with is a little dust, then his hand closes around cardboard, and he pulls out a box.
“KAT-TUN,” the sharpie on the front reads, in Kame's scratchy handwriting. Jin doesn't really know why he opens it, but the first thing he sees when he lifts the top is their dumb New York photobook, and multiple copies of their albums. Right down at the bottom, where Jin can only see the smallest corner, is the photobook he'd brought out earlier that year; AKANISHI JIN: THE WET SCENT. Josh had come up with the title. He'd thought it was sexy. Jin's lucky to have friends who are hip to the groove.
He stares at the corner of his photobook for a moment (photos of Jin, taken by Shumpei), then shuts the lid and shoves it back under the bed. He feels squirmy in the stomach. He feels sick. He doesn't know what he feels.
He catches sight of the photos on the night-stand, then, KAT-TUN circa 2005, happy and bright in the sunlight, Jin's arm slung across Kame's shoulder.
Jin feels like he's gonna puke now. He looks across the room and sees three Taguchi Junnosuke uchiwas leaning casually against Kame's dresser.
“Now I really do feel sick,” Jin says aloud, in an attempt to make himself feel better. It works, just a little.
He hears a loud pounding start at Kame's front door, and it's a welcome distraction. Jin doesn't want to think about the Jin in the photo.
Nakamaru's usually the one who keeps his head, keeps them all together, but he bursts into Kame's apartment, eyes wide and horrified and frantic. “WHERE'S THE BODY?”
“THAT'S THE THING,” Jin half shrieks. He sounds insane.
Nakamaru stops, and turns around to face Jin. “WHAT? You're speaking gibberish.”
“There's no body,” Jin repeats. “I can't find Ran-chan. I think he must be in Kame's creepyass bedroom, because it's the only room I haven't been into. I mean, I looked just then, but I couldn't see him. He could be in the cupboard or something. I think he's starved to death.”
Now Nakamaru's just staring at Jin like he's retarded.
“WHAT?” Jin whines. “A second ago you were ready to help me, and now you're just standing there doing nothing.”
Jin has this picture in his head of he and Nakamaru going to the the nearest petshop in the morning and buying a perfect Ran-chan replacement. Kame will never know...............
“Jin.” Nakamaru interrupts his scheming. “Kame takes Ran-chan to his mother's house pretty often. And Jelly, too.”
“What the fuck, Jelly,” Jin mumbles. He feels stupid again.
“His other dog,” Nakamaru says. He stumbles over to the couch and sits down, face white and drawn. “Oh my goddddddddddddddddd you had me freaking out. I thought I was going to have to help you bury Kame-chan's most precious treasure.” He has his face buried in a cushion, and his words are coming out all muffled. “You should check the answering machine, I bet there's something on there about Ran-chan. Kame usually makes his mum give him daily updates on the dogs...”
“Whatever,” Jin says, but he strides over to the answering machine and hits play.
There's a string of messages from boring artists and old people about charities and dinners and clothing lines, then Jin hears Kame's mother's voice. It makes him feel like he's 15 again, and she's ruffling his hair and inviting him over for dinner.
“Kazu-chan,” she says, voice warm and fond. Jin feels a little like he's crossing a line listening to Kame's private messages, but... Ran-chan's life is at stake...
“I'm leaving this because they told me not to try your cellphone, with the movie and all... I know you're busy, but I miss you! And Ran-chan and Jelly miss their daddy, too.”
Jin can imagine Kame's pleased face at hearing that last part. He lives for that sort of stuff.
“We're having a family day this weekend!” She's saying now. “You should come, if you're not too busy. Take some time out from that busy schedule of yours. We all know how hard you work, Kazuya. Don't think I didn't notice the way you skipped our salon date on Tuesday!”
The message ends a few seconds later, and Jin doesn't realise he's staring into space until he feels Nakamaru's presence at his side. When he turns and looks at Nakamaru, he sees mussed hair and tired eyes.
“Guess I overreacted,” Jin says, attempting a grin.
Nakamaru just looks sad. He crosses his arms, and leans against the wall by the phone, lit by the pale moonlight streaming through Kame's big windows.
“Ran-chan and Jelly miss their daddy,” he says. Coming from anyone else it would sound ridiculous, but Nakamaru just sounds sad, and a little lost.
“Shut up,” Jin says. His voice feels all tight and scratchy, like he's swallowed cottonwool balls.
Nakamaru's mouth twists. “What if he doesn't come back? What the hell are we going to do?”
“He's going to come back,” Jin says. He can't imagine a future without Kamenashi Kazuya. He's an unstoppable force.
Back when Jin first left KAT-TUN, Nakamaru had been the one who had made his peace with Jin the most quickly, had invited him out for dinner and toasted to his American success. Nakamaru looks sort of dumb sometimes, with his short hair and his nose and the fact that he looks perpetually 16, but he's one of the best friends Jin has ever had. He'd never say it aloud. Nakamaru's just a little like Pi; one of the people where it doesn't matter how often he sees them. Even after months they always fall back into their old roles.
“Okay,” Nakamaru says at last. He looks a little better. Less sad, maybe; a spark of hope in his eyes.
“Wanna watch Kame's animal rescue DVDs?” Jin asks. They spend the night munching on the giant fruit platters that keep turning up at Kame's apartment and weeping discretely over a special on a family of weasels who'd been in a fire.
--
They're on Music Station the next day, and even though Jin and Nakamaru are both sleepy, with dark circles under their eyes, watching that family of ducklings be rescued from certain death had been totally worth it.
“What the hell is he doing here,” Koki says, when they catch sight of Josh sitting in the audience. Jin has no idea how he got in, or where he got the bedazzled Nakamaru uchiwa in his hand. Josh is sitting between two tiny Japanese girls, and he's wearing a backstage pass around his neck.
Nakamaru looks pleased and embarrassed, all at once. “Keibo-kun!!”
Koki narrows his eyes. “What, you're friends with that guy now? He's just some American douchebag.”
He's staring at Jin, deliberately baiting him, but Nakamaru is the one who answers.
“He's not so bad... he's making a real effort to understand Japanese culture.”
They all turn and stare at Nakamaru, then, who looks shifty under the close scrutiny. He takes out his phone and taps at it, and deliberately ignores all of them.
“Josh is my friend...” Jin says, and to his horror it comes out as a whine.
“Keibo-kun can have more than one friend,” Ueda says. He's dressed in the same white shirt and dark, sequinned blazer they all are, but he has a giant bedazzled skull on his right cheek. “I think it's nice that he and Yuichi are best friends now.”
They're interrupted by the arrival of NEWS. Jin had kind of forgotten that they'd be there as well. Shige looks unwashed. He looks like a homeless man. Pi walks into the room looking like a golden god in a spangly yellow jacket, and Jin feels awkward for about 5 seconds, until he catches Pi's eye. Things are never weird with he and Pi.
“Hi!” Tegoshi trills, standing by Jin's elbow. Jin hadn't even seen him approach.
“Hi,” Jin says awkwardly. He doesn't really know Tegoshi. The Tegoshi in his head is a weird, dark-haired kid with bad teeth and a round face. He's never quite gotten used to the mini-Yamapi standing in front of him.
“I think it's awesome what you're doing,” Tegoshi is saying, his little face upturned and shining, eyes bright as he takes Jin's arm. “Sooooo cool of you.”
Jin feels like a giant, uncomfortable lump. He's used to smoothly extricating himself from the grasp of desperate ladies, but Tegoshi's holding on really tight, and everyone's watching. Pi looks like he wants to laugh. Taguchi really is laughing. The rest of NEWS file out of the room to get ready, but Tegoshi doesn't move.
Jin feels a slow, burning hate low in his gut. His head feels like it's going to explode.
“Right,” he says curtly, but his disinterest doesn't deter Tegoshi.
“Your hair looks awesome!”
Jin hears a snort that sounds suspiciously like a laugh from the other side of the room.
“Thanks,” he says, jaw tight.
“I'm really happy you're here!” Tegoshi is saying now, his tiny fingers digging into Jin's arm. “It's sooooo good of you to pick up Kamenashi's slack, especially considering how much of a jerk he is to you!”
Jin vaguely remembers seeing promos for a drama Kame and Tegoshi had been in together, with Tegoshi hanging off Kame and gushing to the cameras about how nice Kame-chan was. He wants to punch the grin right off Tegoshi's stupid little face.
“Shut the fuck up,” Nakamaru says. Everyone stares at him. Tegoshi drops Jin's arm.
Nakamaru's face is white, but he's staring calmly at Tegoshi, even though his voice is like ice. “It's not a good idea to talk about your seniors like that.”
Tegoshi's eyes are wide and round now, and he takes a step back, shrugging.
“Well... whatever... I don't know, maybe you were the jerk,” he says to Jin, in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“FUCK OFF,” Koki explodes, and now Tegoshi really does go scurrying out of the room.
“I wasn't defending you,” Koki says, not looking at Jin. They all know how horrible Koki is going to feel later. Koki never screams at people, even though he looks like a badass. Koki has the softest heart of all of them.
“I know...” Jin says. They all stand there awkwardly for a minute, and then it's time for them to take the stage.
--
It's one of the worst performances they've ever given. It's just a medley of their old singles, but everyone keeps forgetting their parts, and singing over Jin's. Jin trips and almost falls over. Josh sits in the audience gently waving his Nakamaru uchiwa with the rest of the teenage girls. Nakamaru runs an awkward hand down Ueda's side and Ueda looks horrified.
“SOMEONE HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THE FANSERVICE,” Nakamaru says later, face pink.
“I don't know if it's fanservice when one party looks like they've been raped,” Koki replies.
--
Kame's phone rings that night, and when Jin answers it he hears Kame's mum on the other end.
--
“I'm so happy you two boys are working together again,” she says, as she spoons mountains of food onto Jin's plate at the family barbeque Jin hadn't been able to talk his way out of. “You need each other!”
Jin thinks of Kame in that dark little room. He feels a little like he's going to break. That morning he'd woken up to find Kame's big ugly plant all brown and shrivelled. Every kind look Kame's mum shoots his way just makes it worse.
--
The second DVD arrives the next week, sitting innocuously in Johnny's mail. It's strange how such a small, flat thing can hold so much horror. Jin stares and stares at it, and a good part of him wants to launch it at the nearest wall and smash it into pieces.
It's their fault that he's been shoved back into KAT-TUN, and their fault that Koki has been shooting him glares for the past week.
The video opens with a shot of the same dark room, only it looks a little nicer now, with candles flickering at the edges of the grainy picture.
“This is your weekly status update,” Kamenashi Kazuya says.
He's dressed in new clothes; a shirt made out of something silky, and his hair looks soft and clean. Jin feels a sudden, inexplicable burst of rage. Kame looks a little like he's being doted on instead of held prisoner. It's just like Kamenashi Kazuya to charm his anti-fans into devotion.
He keeps talking, but Jin can only focus on the new clothes, the perfect hair. He's been feeling a weird mix of guilt and rage for the past week, imagining Kame in chains, but now Kame's sitting there looking more healthy than he's looked in ages. He even looks like he's put on a little weight.
“I've been killing myself with STRESS and Kamenashi is over there partying it up in the dungeon,” Jin says. He means to sound flippant, but his voice is wobbly, hands clenched into tight fists. Johnny stares at him like he's insane. Maybe he is.
“Kazuya is being held prisoner--” Johnny starts, but Jin interrupts.
“IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL CELL. I SAW A LEATHER ARMCHAIR.”
“Jin.” Johnny sounds tired again. He always sounds tired when he's talking to Jin.
--
The call comes the next day. Jin picks up the phone and hears a long silence, then the creepiest thing he's ever fucking heard.
“AKANISHI-KUN,” the voice says, all low and distorted. They must be using a voice changer. Jin knows how they work. He's seen Criminal Minds. “THIS IS YOUR ONE OPPORTUNITY TO COLLECT KAMENASHI KAZUYA WHILE HE'S ALIVE.”
The voice reels off an address that Jin hasn't even heard before. He has no idea how to get there.
There's a pause, and the voice starts again, sounding vaguely awkward. “IT'S WHERE YOUR REAL FACE PV WAS FILMED.”
'Okay,” Jin says, because he feels like he should say something.
“COME ALONE. NOW,” the voice demands.
A big part of Jin wants to scream down the phone, then smash it against the wall. It'd be so satisfying.
“Okay,” he says again, instead, feeling hopelessly lost.
--
“This is the creepiest thing you've ever made me do, and that includes the time you made me distract that chick's boyfriend with my sexy body so you could hit on her,” Josh says, from his place in the backseat, under a pile of blankets. The giant pile shifts, and Jin's hands tighten on the wheel.
“I TOLD YOU, YOU CAN'T MOVE.”
“It's not my fault,” Josh whines. “It's really hot back here.”
“Just stay quiet,” Jin says, but he regrets the order five minutes later, when he hears a soft snore from the back seat of his car.
It's kind of anticlimactic when Jin pulls up at the address, and Kame is standing there, alone in the moonlight, his arms crossed. Jin had been so prepared for the worst... he lets the giant, expensive-looking chef's knife he'd snatched from Kame's kitchen drop from his sleeve and fall onto the floor.
Kame's just standing there staring at the car, so Jin rolls the window down slowly.
“Hi,” he says, then, before he can close his mouth, “need a ride, pretty lady?”
Kame's face tightens. Jin doesn't even know why he says these things.
“Sorry,” he mumbles as Kame slides into the passenger side.
“It's okay,” Kame says. It's the most they've said to each other in months. “I'm just tired.”
They drive in silence for a few minutes, then Jin can't stand the silence anymore.
“Was it horrible?”
He sees Kame's shoulders lift in a shrug under the thin material of his shirt. It looks expensive. “It was okay. They were nice.”
Jin swings to face Kame, a look of exaggerated outrage on his face. “WHAT? THEY KIDNAPPED YOU.”
“They were nice in the end...” Kame fiddles with the hem of his shirt. “They're only kids.”
Jin can feel his mouth hanging open. “THEY KIDNAPPED YOU, WHAT THE FUCK.”
Kame's starting to look defensive now, even though he hasn't met Jin's eyes since he got into the car. “Look, they just misunderstood the situation. They had your best interests at heart, anyway.”
“They're batshit,” Jin says bluntly.
Kame just shrugs again, face turned toward the long, dark road ahead. “People do some pretty crazy things for love, I guess.”
“They don't even know me,” Jin says.
The silence stretches out between them, vast and impossible, until Josh's dumb voice breaks it.
“Guys... I hate to interrupt... but I'm really hungry...”
Kame jumps a little at the sudden sound, and spins around in his seat, eyes wide and surprised. When Jin glances in the rearview mirror he sees Josh sitting up, hair mussed and eyes bleary, like a little kid.
“Hey,” Josh says, staring at Kame. “Awesome to see you alive, man. You had us all worried for a while there.”
“Thanks,” Kame says, staring back. “Your Japanese is really good.” Polite as ever.
Josh looks delighted.
“This is Josh,” Jin says. His voice is loud and he feels something desperate and vicious snaking around inside his chest. “My best friend.”
“Nice to meet you.” Kame bows a little, awkwardly, from the front seat, all twisted around.
If Jin had thought it'd be him and Josh sitting there and laughing, he's sadly mistaken.
“I'll rescue you,” Josh is saying now, and his voice rises up in song. “Please take me back home.......” He looks delighted with himself.
“Runnin' up, imma runnin',” Kame says in the worst accent ever. His English is so bad........... Jin feels so constantly betrayed by Josh, and he can't even complain about it, because he'd just look insane.
Kame looks really pleased now, face shining with happiness. He looks so much happier talking to stupid Josh about stupid KAT-TUN than he had when Jin saved his life. It just doesn't seem fair. The moment hangs in the air, and Jin feels a little like he's jumping off a cliff when he opens his mouth and howls, “I DON'T WANNA CRY ALONNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”
It's a leap of faith.
--
The three of them crash in Kame's apartment after an awkward moment of indecision at Kame's door. Josh had kept insisting on walking Kame to his door.
“I'm your new bodyguard,” he says now, stumbling tiredly along.
“Cool,” Kame replies in English, and Josh just beams. Jin kind of feels like the third wheel...
Kame pushes open the door and he's at the phone immediately, hitting the speed dial button for Johnny's private number. Jin can hear the low murmur of his voice as he fills Johnny in, and he crosses to the giant couch in the next room, Josh trailing him like a puppy.
“I'll sleep on the couch,” Josh announces, and Jin looks at him in alarm.
“Dude, no, this has been my bed for the past week.”
Josh frowns. “So protective... I'll take the spare room, then.”
There is no spare room. Kame's apartment is big, but all the spare rooms have been turned into weird things. There's room of exercise equipment, and some sort of weird room filled with aromatherapy shit, but Kame doesn't even have a guest room.
“There's no guest room,” Jin says. He feels, suddenly, that this has all been a terrible idea. He has no idea why he lets Josh talk him into anything. It'd seemed so reasonable when he'd looked at the late hour, and the plan had been cemented when he'd realised that he had no idea where his own keys were, but now it seems insane...
“I'll bunk with Kame-chan,” Josh says. If Jin didn't know better, he'd think Josh was smirking at him.
“What the fuck,” Jin says. “As if. Besides, he'd never let you.”
“He'd let me if I asked!” Josh looks a little put out. “We're friends now...”
“Don't ask!” Jin doesn't mean to snap, and he lowers his voice. “He really hates sleeping with people..........”
It's a lie. When they'd been younger they'd shared a bed more times than Jin can remember, and he'd always woken in the morning with Kame wrapped around him like a skinny, clingy monkey, face smashed into Jin's neck, breathing slow and heavy.
“Well,” Josh says. “Whatever, I'm sure it'll be okay. I'll ask him when he gets off the phone.”
“Ask me what?” Kame's standing in the door, squinting at them.
“If you have a spare blanket,” Josh says, before Jin can even open his mouth. “I'm taking the couch, and Jin's crashing in your bed.”
Kame just looks tired and confused. And he stands there for a minute, staring blankly at the two of them, before going into his bedroom and dragging out a thick blanket with stars printed all over the fleece.
“Here...” he says, holding it out uncertainly.
Josh snatches it from his outstretched hand and wraps it around himself, falling onto the couch. “Thanks, man. Night!!”
Jin waits until Kame leaves the room, still looking perplexed, then he turns on Josh.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS SO WEIRD.” He wants to sound angry, but he has to be super quiet, so his voice just comes out in a low hiss.
“I'm helping repair a precious friendship,” Josh says, blinking up at Jin. He's all wrapped up like a caterpillar, snug in his fleecey cocoon.
“I don't even know what to say right now,” Jin says. He really doesn't. Josh has always been kind of retarded, but this is a whole new level. He misses his cool American friend who liked clubbing and drinking and girls.
“I was so bored last week,” Josh says. His eyes are all big and misty. “I went through your entire DVD collection. I watched Gokusen 2.”
“Oh, god,” Jin says.
“Kurogin.........” Josh says.
“JUST THE OTHER DAY YOU WERE MOCKING HIS LADY SHIRTS,” Jin hisses.
Josh just nods, distantly, and now he looks deeply, horrifyingly sincere. “That was before I knew... kizuna...”
Jin leaves the room.
--
When he walks into Kame's room, Kame is standing next to his psychotic camera wall, arranging all the giant lenses.
“Sorry,” Jin says, though he doesn't really know why he's apologising.
Kame finishes up, sliding the last lense into place before shutting the door. “Did you manage to take the photo okay?”
Jin bristles a little. It feels like Kame is doubting his awesome photography skills. “Yeah, it was fine. They said it was one of the best photos they'd ever seen.”
Kame turns Jin into a retard.
He studies Jin for a moment, then just nods, crossing to the bed. “Great.”
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Jin wants to say when he realises Kame is wearing his pyjamas; plain flannel pants and a white shirt. This is so awkward.
“Listen,” he says instead, when he sees Kame sliding under the sheets. “I can sleep in my car, it's not a big deal.”
Kame rolls his eyes, then, and Jin finds himself unexpectedly grateful to see Kame showing any sort of emotion at all. “It's fine.”
Jin takes one step, then another, and finally crawls onto the bed, his face smushed into the pillow. He's laying on top of the covers, and he can feel the bed shift every time Kame moves.
“You can take off your hoodie,” Kame says. He just sounds amused now.
“I might get cold,” Jin mumbles. If this was a dumb romance novel Kame would sweep Jin into his arms and say something about warming him up. Jin has no idea why he thinks about these things. He has the worst brain ever. Sometimes he just thinks about the most terrible outcome to any situation ever, just to horrify himself.
Silence stretches out between them again, and this time there's no Josh to interrupt it.
“I saw your Music Station performance,” Kame says finally. “It was the worst thing I've ever seen.” Jin can't see him, what with the darkness and the fact that his face is half buried in a pillow, but he cracks one eye open anyway. The Jin of a few years ago, and even a few weeks ago would have bristled at that, but Jin doesn't really feel like himself right now. He feels half like a little kid again, and half like he's growing up.
“I know,” he says, finally. “But you have to give it points for sexiness. Nakamaru really worked it.”
Kame lets out a short, surprised laugh, then dissolves into helpless giggles. He sounds really uncool, like a gurgling baby, and Jin feels smug.
“I guess he did...” Kame's laughter is trailing off.
“Did those kidnappers really suck?” Jin knows he asked about them before, but things feel different now, safer, in Kame's dark, quiet bedroom.
Kame pauses, as if thinking. “They did at first... but then I was nice to them... and we talked about you... and they cried... then they let me go.”
“They cried,” Jin repeats.
Kame shifts so he's laying on his side. Jin can see the pale smudge of his face through the night.
“Your fans really love you,” he says quietly, hair falling into his dark, serious eyes. “They just want you to be happy.”
“I know,” Jin says, fingers toying with the sleeves of his hoodie. “But that was the worst way to make me happy, ever. I had to do your radio show. People rang in and complained. They said that my Kanye West marathon was a bad idea.”
Kame's mouth quirks. “You gave really bad advice, too.”
“I KNOW,” Jin says. He'd ended up having an on-air fight with a 12 yr old girl about Pokemon.
“They thought I had everything, and they wanted you to have everything as well,” Kame is saying now, his voice low and steady.
“That's not what I want,” Jin says. “I just wanna do my own thing.”
“I know,” Kame says. He sounds tired.
“You don't...” Jin feels frustrated and restless. “You don't get it cause you do everything for other people. I wanna do things for myself.”
Kame's quiet for a long time. “That's stupid,” he says at last. “I do things for myself. Everyone does. I get it, okay?”
“You hate me for leaving,” Jin says. His mouth has a mind of its own.
Kame shifts again, but Jin doesn't look at his face, just pushes his own face further into the pillow. He feels like a big dumb baby. This is all Josh's fault.
“I don't hate you, Jin. No one hates you. Don't believe your own press.”
“Koki hates me,” Jin says, and Kame starts laughing, half hiccuping.
“Okay, maybe Koki, but it's not hard to win Koki back. Buy him an outfit for his dog or something.”
“I'm never coming back,” Jin says.
“I know,” Kame says. “It doesn't matter. If you're going to do this, you have to do it right. Do it with all your heart.”
“Everyone thinks I've broken everything,” Jin continues. It's like Kame is his therapist. He can't even look at Kame, because knowing Kame, he's tearing up, and if Jin cries right now he'll never ever forgive himself. He feels so incredibly emotional. He hesitates, then reaches out and presses Kame's rainbow necklace into his hand, fingers closing around Kame's fist for a brief second before pulling back.
“Nothing's ever really broken that can't be fixed,” Kame says in a suspiciously quavery little voice, one of those stupid wise old man sayings he likes to throw into the conversation every now and then.
Jin falls asleep, Kame a warm, reassuring weight at his side. Maybe in the morning they'll eat breakfast together, and mock Josh a little for knowing the entire Real Face rap, and then they'll see KAT-TUN, and it'll be like old times, only better.