(no subject)
I wonder.. Where will it all lead. It this really the beauty of it? When everything seems to be crumbling down? I seem to be losing control again. Is this an effect of vulnerability?
Will it leave, this time again, like it always does?
I love what I do, I want to do it. But then I'm always scared that I lose interest again, like I always do.
I had a refusal today. I really needed this reasearch assistant job. What I got was a "no" hidden behind a "I'm not sure, let's talk about it next month". It sort of hurt me because I was really expecting it. I was ready to sacrifice a lot to get this. I was willing to sacrifice a lot of the volunteer work I do and the little free time I have in order to do this unpaid assitanceship.
And why is it so important to me?
Why is it that I -need- THIS one and none other? Is it really for the job? Or for the one that's hiring? She's very nice, very trustable. I'd feel very comfortable working with her, but I think that my extremist views on some issues scare her. My oppositional personnality can indeed be scary. This is why I'm wondering, damn, will I act or will I work hard? Because if I decide to remain true to myself, it will be twice the work. I'm already hungry and broke. I need not to be more. And it all confuses me. Much.
At least, when I come home, I feel good. I love my roomates. Exept her when she's watching TV. It annoys me to the highest point. And she often watches TV. TV is very bad.
Gah. It's hard to be different. And I'm never happy unless I'm different.
Will it leave, this time again, like it always does?
I love what I do, I want to do it. But then I'm always scared that I lose interest again, like I always do.
I had a refusal today. I really needed this reasearch assistant job. What I got was a "no" hidden behind a "I'm not sure, let's talk about it next month". It sort of hurt me because I was really expecting it. I was ready to sacrifice a lot to get this. I was willing to sacrifice a lot of the volunteer work I do and the little free time I have in order to do this unpaid assitanceship.
And why is it so important to me?
Why is it that I -need- THIS one and none other? Is it really for the job? Or for the one that's hiring? She's very nice, very trustable. I'd feel very comfortable working with her, but I think that my extremist views on some issues scare her. My oppositional personnality can indeed be scary. This is why I'm wondering, damn, will I act or will I work hard? Because if I decide to remain true to myself, it will be twice the work. I'm already hungry and broke. I need not to be more. And it all confuses me. Much.
At least, when I come home, I feel good. I love my roomates. Exept her when she's watching TV. It annoys me to the highest point. And she often watches TV. TV is very bad.
Gah. It's hard to be different. And I'm never happy unless I'm different.