-sighs-
My boyfriend basically said I was fat. I was playing around with a BMI calculator and figuring the BMIs for the people I know whose weight I also know. Dunno why, I'm weird. So Mine falls into the "normal" range but my boyfriend's is slightly above that. He's 6'2 and right at 200lbs. A big guy by nature but doesn't look overweight. But accourding to the BMI he is.
I smiled a bit when I found this because it made me happy. Because he jokes on occasion about how I should goto the gym or what not. So I told him. He responded with something the effect of "Wait, My BMI is overweight but yours is normal?"
He tried to play it off like he didn't mean it the way it sounded but come the fuck on what the hell is that? So fuck it...I was already planning on restricting again as of tomorrow. Last time I did this I couldn't stop and it made me sick...but I eventually did stop and stopped losing weight as well....gained ten pounds of what I lost too.
Not this time. This time I will be skinny if it fucking kills me because I no longer care. I already know that I enjoy being sick on some fucked up level. I'm not a hypocondraic or anything. I don't just think I am sick or worry about it. I make myself sick...I had throat infections every six weeks for the first half of this year. Each time required antibiotics, each time resulted in fevers of around 102.
My immune system is shit to begin with because of all of the pills, not eating doesn't help that. But it helps me. I'm already hungry because I skipped dinner. I'm glad I'm hungry.
Since its so late I can't take my pills tonight which makes me sad. If I took them, which I really really want too, I wouldn't be able to sleep and I would be a BITCH tomorrow at the office. So I won't. I did however find a nice little replacement...not eating and a few nice swigs of Jack. Hopefully it will help.
I'm tired of never being good enough for anyone or anything. I'm not even good enough for myself. I'm 21. I've graduated college...I am volunteering my time in AmeriCorps, I am making shit. I live in a dump that smells like cat litter. I drive a car that reached the 100,000 mile mark tonight and doesn't have AC, I live in the south. AC is important here. I have less than 50 bucks to my name, including that in my bank account.
I am worthless. I am white trash. I will end up being just like my mother. Just like the thing I hate most. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am void.
I am going to bed. Thanks for letting me vent.
Oh! Did I mention that my boyfriend, who said he fell in love with me when we first met also said that part of the reason he fell in love with me was physical attraction. Great..in my mind now he only loves me for my looks. And my looks are lacking...there's just too much of me here to matter...ok, now I'm done and sleeping.