(no subject)
Neglecting a security blanket is just like neglecting an old friend...you never know if they will continue to be there for you when you need them. I thought I was getting past needing them. Getting past needing. I thought I had everything, or rather, was gaining ground on having every thing I wanted.
Now, I am not so sure. Everything seems shaken.
I suppose I should go into detail merely because I haven't let anything out in awhile. I've neglected all outlets, all resources. I haven't written, painted, drank or even paid attention to my most beloved and faithful outlet.
I am shaking...but of course this can be chalked up to my ridiculous propensity for having way too many and completely irrational mood swings. I am a walking disaster, I thought everyone had figured that out by now. Guess not because it still seems to surprise people that I am a basket case. That I am emotional and moody and trite.
You may not like it, you may not like me for it but this my journal and this how I feel at this moment. Get use to it. Let it open your fucking eyes, whoever you are that is still blind to me.
I suppose I will start with today. This morning…bright and early, I had only been awake for moments when the phone rang and a man told me that I was denied for a loan I applied for. I have good credit, that’s not the problem. The problem is I don’t make enough money.
The problem is AmeriCorps FUCKS you over. Bends you over and sticks it in nice and deep. Bottoms out even. See, I knew this…remember, this is exactly why I got so angry when professors and career councilors told me to join because I fucking knew it.
But what other option did I have other to bend over? Stay in Shelby?
So now I am working 40 hours a week, possibly doing more work than the people who actually get paid and for what? I don’t have money to move. I don’t have money to find a new place to live. Which means that I don’t have a place to live. I will off this lease in October and I don’t have anywhere to go…and I don’t have any money to go.
The loan, was one of my last options. I am now considering selling eggs but even that won’t give me enough money in the needed amount of time.
Did I mention that earlier, a few weeks ago, I was considering working in a strip joint? Not as a dancer but still…yeah…the depths one sinks to in order to chase this fabled “better life” that I am almost certain, now, doesn’t exist.
So this morning, before I 9 am, before I got to work I was thinking already of falling back into old habits. I was wondering how they would treat me…if they would still care.
I did nothing at work. We left early for bad weather. I was in a better mood. I picked up Ben who got off early to save me the driving. It was pouring. This is where it gets tricky because I returned to upset…I am not sure if its justified or not and I will probably look at this much differently later.
But he got a phone call from a friend he doesn’t get to see often. They decided to hang out and through events, mainly because that would be driving to his house, back to mine, and back to his and then back to mine…in this weather which seemed like a bad idea…well. Its not that he was hanging out with a friend. Its not that at all.
Even though I am absolutely without a question positive he thinks that I want to monopolize all his time. He thinks I am smothering. He thinks I am trying to drown him in me.
Maybe I am…who fucking knows. Maybe he’s right. But either way at that moment it felt like he would rather hang out with his friends and get high and drink beer than to know that his girlfriend was safe in a storm.
So I dropped him off, cried…tried to avoid another fight because we have been fighting like cats and dogs lately. I’m serious, every other day, if not every day we fight…claws out. Teeth bared. So I left.
I drove home during a break in the rain. But of course, my neighborhood was flooded. Because it always is when it rains, quite badly. But that’s ok. In my mind I am cruel and I think “he didn’t want to make sure I was safe…so he won’t know if I am or not.” Meaning I refused to turn on AIM. But then it hit me…just because I am out of the rain does not mean I am safe.
I am not, in fact, safe. I am alone…with myself and my old friends. And so I turned to them. I am now waiting…waiting to get sick and to go get some much needed sleep…I waiting for the anger and the hurt and hopelessness to go away…to stop…to shut up.
I don’t enjoy this I just don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to be happy all the time. I will never be who you (everyone) wants me to be…
Accept me for the fucked up mess that I am…and love me for my insecurities and for my habits and fears, and argumentative nature…or don’t. But if you don’t then leave…just leave. Because I would rather you leave now than hurt me later…I am use to people leaving. I am accustomed to losing people. And as much as I try to convince myself otherwise, to convince myself that some will stay…I know that they…you…won’t.
Nothing is forever. So it’s ok if you go…just sever the ties quickly, please? That’s all I ask…get it over with quickly.
Now, I am not so sure. Everything seems shaken.
I suppose I should go into detail merely because I haven't let anything out in awhile. I've neglected all outlets, all resources. I haven't written, painted, drank or even paid attention to my most beloved and faithful outlet.
I am shaking...but of course this can be chalked up to my ridiculous propensity for having way too many and completely irrational mood swings. I am a walking disaster, I thought everyone had figured that out by now. Guess not because it still seems to surprise people that I am a basket case. That I am emotional and moody and trite.
You may not like it, you may not like me for it but this my journal and this how I feel at this moment. Get use to it. Let it open your fucking eyes, whoever you are that is still blind to me.
I suppose I will start with today. This morning…bright and early, I had only been awake for moments when the phone rang and a man told me that I was denied for a loan I applied for. I have good credit, that’s not the problem. The problem is I don’t make enough money.
The problem is AmeriCorps FUCKS you over. Bends you over and sticks it in nice and deep. Bottoms out even. See, I knew this…remember, this is exactly why I got so angry when professors and career councilors told me to join because I fucking knew it.
But what other option did I have other to bend over? Stay in Shelby?
So now I am working 40 hours a week, possibly doing more work than the people who actually get paid and for what? I don’t have money to move. I don’t have money to find a new place to live. Which means that I don’t have a place to live. I will off this lease in October and I don’t have anywhere to go…and I don’t have any money to go.
The loan, was one of my last options. I am now considering selling eggs but even that won’t give me enough money in the needed amount of time.
Did I mention that earlier, a few weeks ago, I was considering working in a strip joint? Not as a dancer but still…yeah…the depths one sinks to in order to chase this fabled “better life” that I am almost certain, now, doesn’t exist.
So this morning, before I 9 am, before I got to work I was thinking already of falling back into old habits. I was wondering how they would treat me…if they would still care.
I did nothing at work. We left early for bad weather. I was in a better mood. I picked up Ben who got off early to save me the driving. It was pouring. This is where it gets tricky because I returned to upset…I am not sure if its justified or not and I will probably look at this much differently later.
But he got a phone call from a friend he doesn’t get to see often. They decided to hang out and through events, mainly because that would be driving to his house, back to mine, and back to his and then back to mine…in this weather which seemed like a bad idea…well. Its not that he was hanging out with a friend. Its not that at all.
Even though I am absolutely without a question positive he thinks that I want to monopolize all his time. He thinks I am smothering. He thinks I am trying to drown him in me.
Maybe I am…who fucking knows. Maybe he’s right. But either way at that moment it felt like he would rather hang out with his friends and get high and drink beer than to know that his girlfriend was safe in a storm.
So I dropped him off, cried…tried to avoid another fight because we have been fighting like cats and dogs lately. I’m serious, every other day, if not every day we fight…claws out. Teeth bared. So I left.
I drove home during a break in the rain. But of course, my neighborhood was flooded. Because it always is when it rains, quite badly. But that’s ok. In my mind I am cruel and I think “he didn’t want to make sure I was safe…so he won’t know if I am or not.” Meaning I refused to turn on AIM. But then it hit me…just because I am out of the rain does not mean I am safe.
I am not, in fact, safe. I am alone…with myself and my old friends. And so I turned to them. I am now waiting…waiting to get sick and to go get some much needed sleep…I waiting for the anger and the hurt and hopelessness to go away…to stop…to shut up.
I don’t enjoy this I just don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to be happy all the time. I will never be who you (everyone) wants me to be…
Accept me for the fucked up mess that I am…and love me for my insecurities and for my habits and fears, and argumentative nature…or don’t. But if you don’t then leave…just leave. Because I would rather you leave now than hurt me later…I am use to people leaving. I am accustomed to losing people. And as much as I try to convince myself otherwise, to convince myself that some will stay…I know that they…you…won’t.
Nothing is forever. So it’s ok if you go…just sever the ties quickly, please? That’s all I ask…get it over with quickly.