pity party
So, on an upswing, i (note: i not I) decided to finally realize the dream i've had since I was sixteen: my own magazine. Finally, it would come to fruition. I got organized, finished my galleys, procured submissions--I was on a roll.
i reached out to a former best friends boyfriend...he's a film student, and apparently much more creative and better than i'll ever be. he was apathetic at best about submitting anything. i guess my effort isn't "good enough" for his work, though he was kind enough not to say anything like that to me directly.
I'M SO TIRED of people not believing in me. no one thinks i can do this, not even me most of the time. i guess that's the problem. i feel really down. i always feel like the fat little girl in the school yard chasing after the girls with perfect hair and cherry glossed lips. like i can never catch up; i'm never creative enough, never smart enough...(i don't care about the 'not pretty enough' part), i'm so very tired of feeling this way.
i'm sure most of it is in my head, but here was the convo with names dashed out, of course. i'm panicky euphoria...thats me alright.
d--------------k: oh yeah. j--m said he might have songs to send you to for the magazine
panicky euphoria: oh thats nice
d--------------k: he sent you his chunky soup explosion song on an mp3 cd right?
panicky euphoria: yes
d--------------k: i think it's horrible... but whatever.
panicky euphoria: i have to agree with you.
d--------------k: lol
d--------------k: he's done some silly covers of songs. i think he wasn't entirely serious about sending them to you, but at least he's thinking about it.
panicky euphoria: well no biggie either way.
d--------------k: heh yeah
panicky euphoria: yah you can't imagine.
panicky euphoria: anyway, have a safe trip home!
d---------------: i am back in tally already!
panicky euphoria: oh well then, welcome back!
d--------------k: hehe
panicky euphoria: honestly i'd prefer it if you didn't even mention it to him anymore. when i spoke to him initially his apathy was clear, so i'd rather the issue wasn't pressed.
d--------------k: hm. ok.
d--------------k: he said he had talked to you and was thinking about it... so i dunno how apathetic he is.
panicky euphoria: like i said, its non-issue.
panicky euphoria: please don't take offense...
d--------------k: i won't
d--------------k: ):
d--------------k: oops
d--------------k: (:
panicky euphoria: parapraxia?
d--------------k: typo
panicky euphoria: (:
we're always very cordial. i don't think i've ever had a fight with this girl, and we've been acquainted for *years* i love her to death, but i can tell her boyfriend doesn't think much of me, my talent or any potential ventures of mine. to hell with him. to hell with all of them, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. it hurts.