why why why. . .
i'm acutally starting to feel a little better today which is probably the only reason i have enough energy to write up an acutal entry. go me. i've been meaninglessly depressed for the last few weeks. meaninglessly because there's no good reason. I've been working out, and while i'm definatly not losing weight like i'd like to, a pound or two is encoraging, and i'm pretty sure i'm buliding muscle so that's moe fat gone gone gone .... i got my wedding dress and it's pretty, but i'm too fat for it right now. i've got until the end of march to slim down probably about 30lbs...i'm at 195 which baffles me. how did i get here? it used to be i had no problem with weighing too much. granted, i wasn't eating, but that's not the point. (or is it?) i missed a day (just one day what a wuss i've become) of food a week ago and i got so frantic, i couldn't think, i couldn't work, i couldn't read or even sit still. every bit of lunch after that restored my sanity bit by bit. god but i had the worst headache. my sweet husband (it's a long story, yes we are getting married and are already married, i'm sick of explaining it though ;b) can tell when i'm missing food ... he makes (asks) me eat, and it's hasn't been a real problem in a while...but i haven't been able to lose weight since i started eating normally (maybe i just pig out too much, i adore pasta and sweets, i crave them like no other) and i don't know if i'm going to be able to fit in my dress, and if i can't fit in my wedding dress that would just suck big monkey balls.
and i'm trying so hard to keep it all together. i want to crash my car half the time when i'm driving home. it's almost like making the decision is too hard....i bought a $5 knife a few weekends ago. my tim is going to teach me to knife fight ;b. so i can carry it around for self-protection (i'm not longer as paranoid about men though, that's a good thing) but i was drinking the other day and playing with it. i shreaded my notebook and victoria's secret catalog rather than myself. which is good. and bad. who knows. i wish sometimes that i could just let myself fall again, to bask in the dark glow of self destruction. but i can't let myself do it...i mean on the good side i have my tim who in my very biased and love-struck eyes nothing less than perfect for me, i have a job, i'm getting married married, i've got a house and three darling kitties who are my babies. i'm only 22, i'm doing pretty well for myself for a bipolar black sheep college dropout who started her new life kicked out of her parents house with $60 and a part time job in the city. but i hate my job, and need to find a new one. which is not the easiest task when you live out in the booneys. i have so few friends, and feel so lonely...my only confidant is my husband, who is great, but still...i feel like he always expects more of me than i have. i feel like i'm never good enough.
god i'm rambling. this self-pity is disgusting. i'm obsessed with planning the wedding, and depressed because i don't have the money to make it all i've ever wanted. my dress is beautiful, but it's not my first choice. i'm trying to scrimp and save at every corner. i can't take a honeymoon anywhere because it's fucking expensive. we may just go camping. which i love, but still...
i miss traveling, i was in scotland for my sister's wedding and it was so wonderful there. i miss seeing new places, and feeling new atmospheres. i need purpose in my life, i dont know what i want to do, or where i want my life to go. i never thought i'd make it this far, what am i supposed to do now? i haven't been inspired to art in ages, and while i miss it i wonder if it's my calling or if i'm just trying to be someone i'm not. again. i still dont know myself, i just know myself as you know a friend. i don't know who i am from the inside and usually i don't care to. my heart has some dangerous neighborhoods, so beware where you try to go. maybe i'll figure it all out sometime. but probably not. who knows. i keep expecting everything to end. it's time for the nuclear winter.