Oh God...please no.
I went for a long drive today, trying to get a piece of mind...
I really had to get out of the house. It's depressing. Naw, not depressing. I've been taking my meds on time (most of the time) so I wasn't exactly 'depressed'. I didn't know what to do with myself. When this happens I usually end up drinking because it makes me feel like I'm not as bored as I truly am. The boyfriend I have now doesn't like me drinking and I promised him I'd try my hardest not to drink anything. So it was killing me, seeing as how I have alcohol right up in my room. Ugh. I went to go and get some ice cream out of the freezer and when I went to go get a spoon, I saw the small blade that I had used to cut a tag off of something. It's got to be one of the sharpest knives I have ever used. And then there's this other knife that is split at the end and is jagged and just...really fun-looking. I had the sudden urge to just run them over my wrists - no reason to, but the urge was so strong and the longing for a drink was only making it worse.
I slammed the cupboard shut only to look up and see fresh utility knife blades. I whined and moaned a quick "fuck off" as if they could hear me and went to watch a movie, ya know, take my mind off of it. Duh, ya think I would have watched a happy-go-lucky film or something but I end up watching a serial killer movie which only makes me more uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, the movie was good ~(subliminal messaging: go watch Close You Eyes)~
Grrrrr.
So I go for a drive, I'm feeling a little better because I had just had my hair dyed red and for once I felt like I looked nice. I wanted to see my boyfriend, and my excuse was that I had to go and get my beta-fish from him. When I showed up he wasn't there so I took the fish and left. It was kind-of a let down because I wanted a hug from him more than anything. I then went to my sister's house but she wasn't there either. I hung out with my nephews for a bit which made me want to not cut myself at all. Those kids are my savior I swear.
After that I wasn't quite ready to go home. For some reason I had the "Linden Murder House" on my mind and I kinda wanted to go there. Bear in mind that I have no idea how the fuck to get to Linden. So I decided to just drive and try and get lost because it would probably make me happy for some reason. I ended up in Linden which completely blew my mind and left me creeped out to all hell after I left. The people there are weird. Don't go to Linden. Heh.
I thought I got lost once or twice but always saw something familiar and it started to depress me again. Those feelings were coming back and then it started to rain.
Rain is a huge gift from God, that's what I believe.
I'll tell you what. If you ever get the urge to cut and it's raining...go for a drive and stick your arm out the window going 60 MPH or more. It felt so good, just like razor blades. I guess it wasn't the best thing for me to do but it's better than the real thing, or rubber bands *rolls eyes* which only work for a short time and get quite old but are still reccomended.
OK, that was just a huge and pointless rant but what I was actually getting at is that I'm being forced to deal with everything right now. My body wont let me go any farther until I take the time to think things over. Yes I was being cowardly, keeping myself busy so I wouldn't have to deal anymore but it's just not going to happen anymore. My brain is telling me enough is enough, you've had your fun, now fix me before I shut down.
I'm starting to creep myself out, frankly. There is something that I need to tell somone that I've hardly admitted to myself and it's scaring me so bad. Hopefully I can share this with everyone in the future. That doesn't scare me as much because I have good and stable friends who would understand.
But I'm still scared of myself. Some examples were shown today. I found Linden when I didn't even know how to go about finding it. When I was there I was having the worst deja-vous ever and I could just sense that something was wrong there. In this new house I can sense when someone is coming down the road. At work suddenly I can sense when something is going to happen. I can tell which person that goes through my line is going to ask for paper.
It all must sound so very silly to you all but it scares me. There's so much more...so much worse, but I'm not willing to share. I think it has something to do with the things Troy has been teaching me. It's like I have this all new ability, maybe I'm just not used to it. Maybe it's nothing and it's all coincidence. Anyways...
There's something else. I'm also scared of the relationship I'm in and the position I've left myself open to. I'm finally HAPPY again. But it's because of my boyfriend. I'm such a hypocrite. I am the one always telling people not to base their happiness on other people. Why? Because it could go away just like that and then where does that leave you. So you're only going to be happy when in a relationship with someone? That's not realy happiness. At least that's my opinion. I've actually had people yell at me about this subject telling me how wrong I was. I just think that before you find an ultimate happiness in something else then you should find happiness in yourself first. You have to be able to thrive on your own because you never know what's going to happen. Everything withers and dies, nothing is absolute...so I feel quite lost right now. It really hit me when I was at his apartment. He was playing me his new song that he wrote and I stared at the ceiling, dwelling for the first time in a while because the thought that come before all of that had actually disturbed me.
He makes me so damn happy...almost like being with Bane again.
Is it normal to hate ones-self for thinking something like that? He doesn't know much about Bane which is how I want to keep it. Which brings me to my next problem. He knows little to nothing of my past. He wants me to tell him about it but I don't ever want him to know. He's one of the very few people who know me for who I am now and not for the horrible wretch I used to be. I don't want him to even be able to look at me and think any of those things. He tells me constantly that he doesn't care about what I did in my past, that he sees me as I am now and that anything I could tell him wouldn't change that. I believe him...that or I just want to believe him with all of my heart. I've done such terrible things. He can say those things all he wants but not one person and just shrugg off the things that I could tell them. How, after that, could a person not look at me and think 'she did that?' or 'how could she?'. I don't want him to know anything, I'm not that person anymore...at least she's almost all gone. There's still part of her left in me but that's a mandatory piece that I can never bear to throw away.
I'm not asking for advice on anything. I mean...how could you give me any? I'm only discreet about everything I say lately. I don't want all of those things to come back to him, I don't think I could take it. I just wanted to rant I suppose. It's silly, but I would appreciate comments telling me how much you love me, hahaha. Just to know that you took the time to see what I've been thinking about and that you care. Thanks for reading. Have a good night.
I'm sorry, I'm soooooooo long-winded.
((x-posted in my community marked_helpless))
I really had to get out of the house. It's depressing. Naw, not depressing. I've been taking my meds on time (most of the time) so I wasn't exactly 'depressed'. I didn't know what to do with myself. When this happens I usually end up drinking because it makes me feel like I'm not as bored as I truly am. The boyfriend I have now doesn't like me drinking and I promised him I'd try my hardest not to drink anything. So it was killing me, seeing as how I have alcohol right up in my room. Ugh. I went to go and get some ice cream out of the freezer and when I went to go get a spoon, I saw the small blade that I had used to cut a tag off of something. It's got to be one of the sharpest knives I have ever used. And then there's this other knife that is split at the end and is jagged and just...really fun-looking. I had the sudden urge to just run them over my wrists - no reason to, but the urge was so strong and the longing for a drink was only making it worse.
I slammed the cupboard shut only to look up and see fresh utility knife blades. I whined and moaned a quick "fuck off" as if they could hear me and went to watch a movie, ya know, take my mind off of it. Duh, ya think I would have watched a happy-go-lucky film or something but I end up watching a serial killer movie which only makes me more uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, the movie was good ~(subliminal messaging: go watch Close You Eyes)~
Grrrrr.
So I go for a drive, I'm feeling a little better because I had just had my hair dyed red and for once I felt like I looked nice. I wanted to see my boyfriend, and my excuse was that I had to go and get my beta-fish from him. When I showed up he wasn't there so I took the fish and left. It was kind-of a let down because I wanted a hug from him more than anything. I then went to my sister's house but she wasn't there either. I hung out with my nephews for a bit which made me want to not cut myself at all. Those kids are my savior I swear.
After that I wasn't quite ready to go home. For some reason I had the "Linden Murder House" on my mind and I kinda wanted to go there. Bear in mind that I have no idea how the fuck to get to Linden. So I decided to just drive and try and get lost because it would probably make me happy for some reason. I ended up in Linden which completely blew my mind and left me creeped out to all hell after I left. The people there are weird. Don't go to Linden. Heh.
I thought I got lost once or twice but always saw something familiar and it started to depress me again. Those feelings were coming back and then it started to rain.
Rain is a huge gift from God, that's what I believe.
I'll tell you what. If you ever get the urge to cut and it's raining...go for a drive and stick your arm out the window going 60 MPH or more. It felt so good, just like razor blades. I guess it wasn't the best thing for me to do but it's better than the real thing, or rubber bands *rolls eyes* which only work for a short time and get quite old but are still reccomended.
OK, that was just a huge and pointless rant but what I was actually getting at is that I'm being forced to deal with everything right now. My body wont let me go any farther until I take the time to think things over. Yes I was being cowardly, keeping myself busy so I wouldn't have to deal anymore but it's just not going to happen anymore. My brain is telling me enough is enough, you've had your fun, now fix me before I shut down.
I'm starting to creep myself out, frankly. There is something that I need to tell somone that I've hardly admitted to myself and it's scaring me so bad. Hopefully I can share this with everyone in the future. That doesn't scare me as much because I have good and stable friends who would understand.
But I'm still scared of myself. Some examples were shown today. I found Linden when I didn't even know how to go about finding it. When I was there I was having the worst deja-vous ever and I could just sense that something was wrong there. In this new house I can sense when someone is coming down the road. At work suddenly I can sense when something is going to happen. I can tell which person that goes through my line is going to ask for paper.
It all must sound so very silly to you all but it scares me. There's so much more...so much worse, but I'm not willing to share. I think it has something to do with the things Troy has been teaching me. It's like I have this all new ability, maybe I'm just not used to it. Maybe it's nothing and it's all coincidence. Anyways...
There's something else. I'm also scared of the relationship I'm in and the position I've left myself open to. I'm finally HAPPY again. But it's because of my boyfriend. I'm such a hypocrite. I am the one always telling people not to base their happiness on other people. Why? Because it could go away just like that and then where does that leave you. So you're only going to be happy when in a relationship with someone? That's not realy happiness. At least that's my opinion. I've actually had people yell at me about this subject telling me how wrong I was. I just think that before you find an ultimate happiness in something else then you should find happiness in yourself first. You have to be able to thrive on your own because you never know what's going to happen. Everything withers and dies, nothing is absolute...so I feel quite lost right now. It really hit me when I was at his apartment. He was playing me his new song that he wrote and I stared at the ceiling, dwelling for the first time in a while because the thought that come before all of that had actually disturbed me.
He makes me so damn happy...almost like being with Bane again.
Is it normal to hate ones-self for thinking something like that? He doesn't know much about Bane which is how I want to keep it. Which brings me to my next problem. He knows little to nothing of my past. He wants me to tell him about it but I don't ever want him to know. He's one of the very few people who know me for who I am now and not for the horrible wretch I used to be. I don't want him to even be able to look at me and think any of those things. He tells me constantly that he doesn't care about what I did in my past, that he sees me as I am now and that anything I could tell him wouldn't change that. I believe him...that or I just want to believe him with all of my heart. I've done such terrible things. He can say those things all he wants but not one person and just shrugg off the things that I could tell them. How, after that, could a person not look at me and think 'she did that?' or 'how could she?'. I don't want him to know anything, I'm not that person anymore...at least she's almost all gone. There's still part of her left in me but that's a mandatory piece that I can never bear to throw away.
I'm not asking for advice on anything. I mean...how could you give me any? I'm only discreet about everything I say lately. I don't want all of those things to come back to him, I don't think I could take it. I just wanted to rant I suppose. It's silly, but I would appreciate comments telling me how much you love me, hahaha. Just to know that you took the time to see what I've been thinking about and that you care. Thanks for reading. Have a good night.
I'm sorry, I'm soooooooo long-winded.
((x-posted in my community marked_helpless))