:/
If you guys were hanging around my LJ three years ago, three and a half years ago you know I was a wreck. There was this ugly, draw out mess of a friend=ship that cost me all the people around me left me with a social anxiety disorder and two years of therapy.
I got better over time. I could spend time with the individuals involves on a one-on-one basis without an anxiety attack. In one shocking moment I was able to spend time with two of them, with only a mild side effects, but there was a mix up a few days ago. I was under the impression that I would be spending time with one of the individuals plus a few strangers, thus taking the pressure off, only for it to turn out to be two of the previously involved individuals. One of whom I had started to get along with really well, and had even owed a favor.
Then I found out it was going to be three. Basically the entire group minus one nuetral party and the individual who escalated the entire mess. I had a full blown anxiety attack. It was awful, some of the symptoms when on for, well over an hour. I talked to two good friends.
The friend was wonderful and talked me down, which was great because I was much worse off than I had lead on. She said to cancel, run, screw it all because it wasn't worth it if I was just going to end up freaking out in a bathroom. The other friend told me to go. If I canceled, it would mean they won and I could use the closure. What I ended up doing (after a few drinks to calm down) was inviting the neutral party member to go to the movies with us. Neutral party had always been fantastic about steering the conversation away from me at any opportunity. I figured, it wouldn't feel like I was in an angry mob waiting to happen. That way I could relax with the 2:3 ratio.
She canceled. I packed a flask of liquor in my purse, had a few shots before I even got in the cab, and tried to not be terrified. When I'm drunk, I relax enough that I'm not as strongly emotional as I usually am. I couldn't imagine how badly they'd handle it if I burst into tears within minutes of seeing them - or if I bailed without helping the lass I owed the favor.
It's just, having so many of them together has become an actual trigger for me. It's the next morning, and even though I know I had a lovely time, I still want to cry a bit at the thought of being alone with that many of them. Any combination of three would have had me shaking. I even started trembling really badly when we left the theater to huddle outside. And we had a great deal of fun laughing and joking, but it was hard.
I'd like to see them again, but there's just this huge gap there, even without my issues. I don't even know what kind of an impression I left them either, half the time laughing and shouting in excitement, the other half withdrawn and tight-lipped. One-on-one is it, I guess, until I can get my act together.
I got better over time. I could spend time with the individuals involves on a one-on-one basis without an anxiety attack. In one shocking moment I was able to spend time with two of them, with only a mild side effects, but there was a mix up a few days ago. I was under the impression that I would be spending time with one of the individuals plus a few strangers, thus taking the pressure off, only for it to turn out to be two of the previously involved individuals. One of whom I had started to get along with really well, and had even owed a favor.
Then I found out it was going to be three. Basically the entire group minus one nuetral party and the individual who escalated the entire mess. I had a full blown anxiety attack. It was awful, some of the symptoms when on for, well over an hour. I talked to two good friends.
The friend was wonderful and talked me down, which was great because I was much worse off than I had lead on. She said to cancel, run, screw it all because it wasn't worth it if I was just going to end up freaking out in a bathroom. The other friend told me to go. If I canceled, it would mean they won and I could use the closure. What I ended up doing (after a few drinks to calm down) was inviting the neutral party member to go to the movies with us. Neutral party had always been fantastic about steering the conversation away from me at any opportunity. I figured, it wouldn't feel like I was in an angry mob waiting to happen. That way I could relax with the 2:3 ratio.
She canceled. I packed a flask of liquor in my purse, had a few shots before I even got in the cab, and tried to not be terrified. When I'm drunk, I relax enough that I'm not as strongly emotional as I usually am. I couldn't imagine how badly they'd handle it if I burst into tears within minutes of seeing them - or if I bailed without helping the lass I owed the favor.
It's just, having so many of them together has become an actual trigger for me. It's the next morning, and even though I know I had a lovely time, I still want to cry a bit at the thought of being alone with that many of them. Any combination of three would have had me shaking. I even started trembling really badly when we left the theater to huddle outside. And we had a great deal of fun laughing and joking, but it was hard.
I'd like to see them again, but there's just this huge gap there, even without my issues. I don't even know what kind of an impression I left them either, half the time laughing and shouting in excitement, the other half withdrawn and tight-lipped. One-on-one is it, I guess, until I can get my act together.