Five Days to Absolution - Part 4
Title: Five Days to Absolution (4/4)
Word count: This chapter: 3,282 (Total fic word count: 15,426)
Characters: Captain Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper, references to Jack/Ianto
Rating: This chapter: PG-13 (NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: Children of Earth
Disclaimer: The BBC are the cruel masters of Torchwood and Doctor Who.
Warnings: This fiction as a whole is very dark and contains scenes that some may find disturbing/upsetting. This Chapter contains angst, self-comfort and sexual references
A/N: This is set post-Children of Earth, and follows the canon therein.
What did Jack do in the first few weeks that followed Children of Earth: Day Five? And how did he finally take that first step on the long path to self-absolution?
"I know I have a long way to go, to forgive myself for everything that I did wrong. But sitting on my own isn't going to help. I'll just get bogged down with everything… get crazy. Do something stupid. And it's not gonna bring you back, is it?"
Day Five
Jack opened his eyes. He was lying in a familiar double bed dressed with clean, cream-coloured cotton sheets and duvet. He rubbed at his eyes tiredly and rolled onto his side, staring at the empty pillow next to his head. On an impulse, he pulled the pillow towards him and pressed his face to it. It still smelled of Ianto's shampoo.
Jack hugged the pillow and smiled sadly. There was an aching, empty place in his heart, but somehow, being in Ianto's bed felt comforting. Living in Ianto's flat for the past few days… it had made him feel a little better.
Jack realised he was wearing his trousers and t-shirt in bed. He usually slept in the nude… he must have been really tired to go to bed fully dressed. He couldn’t remember having gone to bed, in fact. He ached everywhere. Still, he hadn't slept much while he was helping UNIT with their enquiries. Bound to catch up with him sooner or later, he guessed.
Jack felt his stomach rumble and realised that he was incredibly hungry. Famished, in fact, and so thirsty his throat felt dry and sore.
"You'd be so mad at me right now, if you were here," he said aloud. Ianto would often scold him for forgetting to eat during busy times at work, like a fussy mother hen.
If Ianto had been there and heard Jack's stomach growl, he'd have tutted and would already be out of bed and heading towards the kitchen to make Jack something to eat. Jack smiled fondly at the thought.
"Where are you going?" Jack mutters, as he feels Ianto slide out of bed. The warm press of his flesh against Jack's back is instantly missed. Jack rolls over to face his absconding lover.
"For a wee," says Ianto. "And then I was going to make breakfast."
"How about I make you breakfast for a change?"
Ianto grins impudently in the dim light. "Because you're rubbish at cooking and you can't make a decent cup of coffee to save your life."
Jack shrugs. "Fair point. Do I get to choose what to have?"
Ianto's eyes slide upwards as he tries to remember what's in his fridge. "You can have a bacon sandwich. Or toast. Or a toasted bacon sandwich."
Ianto looks different in the morning, before he's had time to groom and neaten himself. Jack is the only one who ever sees him like this; eyes a little bleary, hair tousled, chin darkened with stubble. Jack secretly finds it incredibly sexy.
He stares at the younger man, letting his eyes roam up and down his glorious naked body. Ianto blushes, even now, after all the times Jack has openly ogled him before.
"Actually, I'm not that hungry yet," says Jack, his eyes already dark with arousal. "Go to the bathroom, and then get back in here. I was thinking we might enjoy breakfast more if we work up a real appetite first. What do you think?"
Jack lies back, waiting, with his eyes closed and a smile on his face. And, of course, within a few minutes, Ianto is sliding back into the bed next to him, with freshly brushed teeth and a raging hard-on.
"I miss you," said Jack aloud, and took another deep breath of Ianto's scent on the pillow.
Jack had found his shirt neatly folded on the dresser, with his mobile phone placed on top of it. He'd stopped and looked at them for a moment, confused. His phone was switched on and showing two missed calls from Gwen. How had he missed those?
Eventually Jack had put the matter to one side, and concentrated on washing and getting dressed, before wandering into the kitchen.
There were some basic provisions in the fridge. He must have put them in there himself; the bread and milk were fresh, but he couldn't remember having been out to the shops to buy them. He shook his head, perplexed. All the stress had finally caught up with him, he mused.
He'd made himself something simple to eat and had just about finished his breakfast, when the phone rang.
Now Jack prodded absent-mindedly at the crumbs left on the plate as the conversation came to an end.
"Yep. See you in a couple of hours, then. Just walk right in, door's open. Yeah… sure. I'll make a start. And… thanks."
Jack pressed the red button on the keypad to end the call, and stared at the phone for a moment, a little taken aback.
He put down the phone, cleared away his plate and cup, and then sat down to make another call.
Gwen answered on the third ring.
"Jack! Oh, I was getting worried. I tried ringing you a couple of times, but I think your phone was switched off… have you been okay?"
"Yeah. Sorry… I don't know what happened. I think I must have been sleeping a lot these past three or four days, don't remember much about them."
Things did seem a bit hazy. All he could remember about the past few days was pottering around Ianto's flat, seeing his things everywhere, and remembering the good times. Thinking about the bad things that had happened and analyzing what he could have done to make things work out differently.
Jack had made some bad mistakes, he could admit that to himself, but he'd been out of his mind with grief and guilt at the time, not to mention a little out of his league to start with. He could have done some things differently, but in the end… blaming himself was never going to help him get back what he'd lost.
He hated himself for what he'd had to do with Stephen, he always would. But it was a desperate time, and he simply hadn't known what else to do.
At least, in the end, he'd saved millions of children. He'd lost so much, but he'd saved the Earth, and he knew he had to focus on that now.
"So how are you feeling?" Gwen's voice was comforting. He was going to miss her.
"Sad. Empty. Tired…. All that good stuff." He rubbed his face.
"Nobody could blame you for that."
"Guess not."
"What about that Doctor of yours. Has he been in touch?" She sounded slightly disdainful.
"No," Jack said, but then hesitated.
"Do you trust me?"
He must have paused for a little too long.
"Jack?"
Long thin arms wrap themselves around him. Jack tries to fight the other man off, he's still so hurt… so angry. But he eventually surrenders and lets himself be held, allows the release of hot tears to soak into familiar brown fabric...
Jack smiled a little to himself. It wasn't as though he hadn't dreamt of the Doctor countless times throughout his life.
"Yeah, still here. No… not heard from him. Guess I'll catch up with him eventually. Anyway… how are you?"
"Oh, we're fine. Oh, and you, Jack Harkness, paying a deposit on that house for us! Why didn't you say anything?"
Jack frowned. Had he done that? Yes, of course he had. That was one of the last things he'd done before he came to stay at Ianto's flat.
"Least I can do. I had some money stashed away. And if I'd have said anything, you'd only have argued."
"Too right I would have," said Gwen, but she sounded like she was smiling as she spoke. "But… thank you. It's amazing of you. And they say there's no chain, so we might be able to move in within a couple of weeks!"
"That's great. Oh… I had a call, a few minutes ago. From Rhiannon Davies."
Gwen paused. "Ah. I gave her my number at… the funeral. And she rang me and asked for yours. I probably shouldn't have given it to her, but I thought… you know. It might do you good to talk…"
Jack interrupted her smoothly. "It's okay. Ianto's flat… ownership passed to UNIT, now that Torchwood's… well, anyway. The final month's notice runs out tomorrow, so Rhiannon's coming over this afternoon, and we're going to go through Ianto's stuff. Take his clothes to the charity shop, that kind of thing."
Jack swallowed hard. It hit him just then, how final it all seemed.
Gwen sounded like she was fighting back tears. "Do you need me to…?"
"No. We've got it covered. She said she wanted someone to be with her, someone who knew Ianto as well as she did."
"Where are you now?"
"I'm in Ianto's flat," said Jack, a little surprised. "I've been staying here for the past four days. It was your idea!"
"Nope… nothing to do with me. You rang me a few days ago and said you were going to rent a flat."
Jack frowned. "I did? I thought… Maybe you misunderstood what I meant…"
"How has it been?"
Jack considered. "Actually… not as painful as I thought it might be. It's been quite comforting, being surrounded by familiar things, y'know? There are traces of him everywhere. Makes me miss him just that tiny bit less."
"Good. Where are you going after today then? You could always stay with us for a bit…"
Jack paused. "Actually… that's why I rang. To say goodbye."
Gwen took a sharp intake of breath. "What do you mean?"
Jack closed his eyes. "I have a lot of stuff to get straight in my head, Gwen. And I figured… we've saved this planet so many times, maybe I should take a good look round it, y'know? And there's nothing like a good long walk to shake the dirt off your shoes. Get some fresh air… some perspective…"
"How long? Where…? I mean..." Gwen sounded distressed.
"Hey… hey. This is for the best. And you have your new house to play with, and your baby to look forward to. I'm going away for a while, and then I'll be in touch. I need to do this, Gwen."
"You'll miss seeing me getting fat," said Gwen, in a small voice.
Jack smiled. "I'll be back in plenty of time to see you looking like a beached whale, Gwen Cooper. You just concentrate on looking after yourself, okay?"
"Ring me. As soon as you get the chance."
"Yes ma'am. Love to Rhys. And Junior."
"Oh… God, Jack. You drive me crazy. Take care of yourself, sweetheart."
Jack ended the call, before she got any more upset.
He took a breath and went to put the phone into his greatcoat pocket. His coat
"I really like that coat…"
was hanging near the front door. On an impulse, Jack went through his pockets. He had half a mind that they held quite a few things, but they were all empty, apart from the inside breast pocket. Inside that, there was a coiled up stretch of material. Ianto's tie. Jack took it out, remembering with a pang of sadness how it came to be in there.
Jack now held the tie to his face. It still smelled of him. Just a little, although he knew that would soon fade and he'd only be left with the vague memory of what that scent was once like.
Jack kissed the fabric, and then coiled it up again and placed it back into his pocket. It would sit in there, and he would take it out, and look at it often.
It would remind him of what he had lost, and it would hurt. But then he would remember how special Ianto had been to him, and how much he'd been loved in return. And that thought would comfort him.
Jack opened up each drawer of Ianto's bedside cabinet, rummaging. It felt horribly intrusive, but on the other hand he knew that Ianto kept… personal items in there that he and Jack had used together, and they weren't the sort of things a man would want his sister to find.
He put the half-empty tube of lubricant, massage oil, cuffs, blindfold and the small collection of sex toys into a carrier bag and tied the handles together, planning on putting it in the bin before Rhiannon arrived. He couldn't help but smile at the memories of he and Ianto using those personal items, and didn't even feel guilty about the stir of arousal those thoughts awoke in his loins. Ianto would be pleased to know he could still turn Jack on, even after he'd gone.
He opened the bottom drawer. It was empty, save for a photo frame placed face-down in the bottom. Jack picked it up and looked at it. It was a photo of him and Ianto. In the picture, Jack had his arm around Ianto and a silly grin on his face, and Ianto had his eyes turned towards Jack, looking at him with that expression of awed admiration that Jack sometimes caught out of the corner of his eye.
Jack remembered the photo being taken on Gwen's phone camera during a rare work's night out at the bowling alley, 18 months or so ago. The original pose had Toshiko on the other side of him, he remembered, and he could now see the corner of her jacket at the edge of the picture, near his leg.
Ianto had cropped the photo so that it was of just the two of them, printed it out and kept it on his bedside cabinet, Jack now realised. And when he knew Jack would be staying over, he'd take it down and hide it in a drawer so that Jack didn't see it.
He'd been reluctant to let Jack know just how much he meant to him. He didn't want to make Jack feel uncomfortable. Didn't want to rock the boat. Didn't want to scare him away.
Jack held the photo against his chest, and for the first time since Ianto's funeral, tears ran down his cheeks. Except… the tears felt familiar, like he was used to feeling them sting his face. Maybe he'd been crying in his sleep these past few days and hadn’t realised.
It was a release, he knew, but he felt so terribly sad at that moment.
"I love you, Ianto," he whispered. "I wish I'd told you, before it was too late."
"I knew you loved me… you bloody idiot."
Jack smiled through his tears. He imagined Ianto might have said that to him, if he were there. "Oh, I hope you did," he said aloud.
Jack took the back off the photo frame and took the photo out. He went to put the photograph into his coat pocket.
Now he'd always have something to look at when he got too lonely. Eventually, over the centuries, the photo would fade and eventually disintegrate, but it didn't matter. By the time that happened, the image would forever be imprinted on his mind.
Jack walked into the cemetery and approached the grave, his long coat flapping around his legs in the early morning breeze.
He leant over and ran his index finger briefly over the first few words chiselled into the headstone.
IANTO JONES
19 August 1983 - 9 July 2009
Loving Son and Brother
Taken From Us Too Soon
"You got that right," Jack muttered, reading the final line of the inscription. He took the bouquet of red roses from the crook of his arm, and placed it reverently on top of the soil. There were already some flowers there, white carnations. The card read "Ianto, forever in our hearts. Your loving family, Rhi, Johnny and the kids".
His flowers didn't carry a card, but he hoped that anyone who saw them would know who'd left them.
Jack cleared his throat. "I know… well, I'm pretty sure, that you're not physically here," he said quietly. "And I know I could talk to you from anywhere, but… this seems like the right sort of place to be. Hope you like the flowers."
The first flowers he'd ever bought Ianto, come to think of it. He rubbed his face subconsciously, and laughed. "You know how shit I am at this sort of thing. I bet you're watching and laughing your ass off at me, wherever you are right now."
He sat down on his haunches. "I just wanted to let you know that I won't be back here for a while. I'm going on a long walk. I have a lot to think about, a lot to forgive myself for. Gray, Suzie, Toshiko… Owen. All those poor kids back in 1965. Clem. You… Alice. And Stephen, of course. I'm going to visit Stephen's grave, when I leave here. Didn't think he'd want flowers, so I bought him a teddy bear, see?" He took the toy out of his pocket and jiggled it in the air. He felt vaguely foolish, but knew Ianto wouldn't mind. He shoved it back into his pocket.
"I've been thinking of phoning Alice, see if she'll talk to me, but… I think it would just upset her. Everything's still so raw. But maybe in a few years… she might see that I didn't have a choice. I know… she can't see the big picture. And I don't blame her for hating me."
He gritted his teeth for a moment, biting back tears.
"I know I have a long way to go, to forgive myself for everything that I did wrong. But sitting on my own isn't going to help. I'll just get bogged down with everything… get crazy. Do something stupid. And it's not gonna bring you back, is it? It's not going to bring anyone back. So… anyway. I just… needed someone to tell. And you were always a good listener, Ianto. Maybe I should have talked to you more. I was always a selfish, stubborn ass. I don't know why you put up with me."
Jack felt the tears roll down his cheeks. He sniffed, and wiped them away.
"Anyway. I've been in touch with Rhiannon. We cleared your flat. I think she kept some your stuff. You know… trinkets. Don't worry; I got rid of our stuff in your bedside cabinet, and the porn in your wardrobe, before she got there." He chuckled dryly. "We left it nice and tidy, just the way you like it."
The smell of bleach seemed to be lingering in his nose.
"And… I found your photo of us. The one in the frame. You shouldn't have hidden it away on my account. But I know why you did, and I'm sorry for that, too. I kept it. I have it right here," Jack patted his breast pocket. "Next to my heart. And your tie, too. My favourite one, the purple and grey stripey tie, did I ever tell you how much I liked it?"
Jack had the feeling he was beginning to ramble. He half laughed, half sobbed. "I miss you. Miss you so much, Ianto. But wherever I go, you'll be there with me, right? I can talk to you whenever I like, I guess. I will. I'll tell you everything, from now on. And I know… I know you'd have forgiven me for everything. For everyone. But I have to try and learn to forgive myself, now. It's just going to take time."
Luckily, Jack was immortal. He had lost everything… but time was something he would always have plenty of.
Jack kissed his fingertips and brushed them softly over Ianto's name on the gravestone.
Then he stood, dusted down his greatcoat, and turned towards the exit gate.
Captain Jack Harkness took a deep breath, briefly placed his hand over his breast pocket, and then took the first few steps of the longest walk he would ever take.
END
Final Author's Note:
Okay, now you can have your "Six months later".
In case anybody is confused by this final chapter, I'd like to think that the Doctor modified Jack's memories, not by taking away his knowledge of anything that happened, but by soothing his guilt, making him see things from a different, more positive angle, and taking away the memory of what he'd done to himself in that horrible bedsit. He made Jack believe that he'd spent that time surrounded by comforting and familiar things. Given that there isn't a whole lot left to work with, I think this was the kindest and most proactive thing the Doctor could have done for him.
When Jack meets up with the Doctor again, I'm almost certain that the events of CoE will not be referred to, and that Jack will act as though nothing happened, which appals me. This fic hopefully goes some way to explaining how the Doctor knows about the events of CoE but does not need to ask. And if he does ask… Jack will have no memory of having been with the Doctor in the meantime.
I have to stress here that I absolutely hate the canon in CoE, but there were some things left undone and unsaid that bugged me. The disrespectful lack of a funeral for Ianto, how Jack coped with the grief and consequences of the aftermath, whether Jack knew what Ianto's father really did for a living i.e. was Jack the only one who really knew Ianto? I'd like to think he was, and I hope I've answered a few other questions, in my own way.
Now… Can somebody pass me the retcon, please.
Thanks for reading.
Ruthy x
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Word count: This chapter: 3,282 (Total fic word count: 15,426)
Characters: Captain Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper, references to Jack/Ianto
Rating: This chapter: PG-13 (NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: Children of Earth
Disclaimer: The BBC are the cruel masters of Torchwood and Doctor Who.
Warnings: This fiction as a whole is very dark and contains scenes that some may find disturbing/upsetting. This Chapter contains angst, self-comfort and sexual references
A/N: This is set post-Children of Earth, and follows the canon therein.
What did Jack do in the first few weeks that followed Children of Earth: Day Five? And how did he finally take that first step on the long path to self-absolution?
"I know I have a long way to go, to forgive myself for everything that I did wrong. But sitting on my own isn't going to help. I'll just get bogged down with everything… get crazy. Do something stupid. And it's not gonna bring you back, is it?"
Day Five
Jack opened his eyes. He was lying in a familiar double bed dressed with clean, cream-coloured cotton sheets and duvet. He rubbed at his eyes tiredly and rolled onto his side, staring at the empty pillow next to his head. On an impulse, he pulled the pillow towards him and pressed his face to it. It still smelled of Ianto's shampoo.
Jack hugged the pillow and smiled sadly. There was an aching, empty place in his heart, but somehow, being in Ianto's bed felt comforting. Living in Ianto's flat for the past few days… it had made him feel a little better.
Jack realised he was wearing his trousers and t-shirt in bed. He usually slept in the nude… he must have been really tired to go to bed fully dressed. He couldn’t remember having gone to bed, in fact. He ached everywhere. Still, he hadn't slept much while he was helping UNIT with their enquiries. Bound to catch up with him sooner or later, he guessed.
Jack felt his stomach rumble and realised that he was incredibly hungry. Famished, in fact, and so thirsty his throat felt dry and sore.
"You'd be so mad at me right now, if you were here," he said aloud. Ianto would often scold him for forgetting to eat during busy times at work, like a fussy mother hen.
If Ianto had been there and heard Jack's stomach growl, he'd have tutted and would already be out of bed and heading towards the kitchen to make Jack something to eat. Jack smiled fondly at the thought.
"Where are you going?" Jack mutters, as he feels Ianto slide out of bed. The warm press of his flesh against Jack's back is instantly missed. Jack rolls over to face his absconding lover.
"For a wee," says Ianto. "And then I was going to make breakfast."
"How about I make you breakfast for a change?"
Ianto grins impudently in the dim light. "Because you're rubbish at cooking and you can't make a decent cup of coffee to save your life."
Jack shrugs. "Fair point. Do I get to choose what to have?"
Ianto's eyes slide upwards as he tries to remember what's in his fridge. "You can have a bacon sandwich. Or toast. Or a toasted bacon sandwich."
Ianto looks different in the morning, before he's had time to groom and neaten himself. Jack is the only one who ever sees him like this; eyes a little bleary, hair tousled, chin darkened with stubble. Jack secretly finds it incredibly sexy.
He stares at the younger man, letting his eyes roam up and down his glorious naked body. Ianto blushes, even now, after all the times Jack has openly ogled him before.
"Actually, I'm not that hungry yet," says Jack, his eyes already dark with arousal. "Go to the bathroom, and then get back in here. I was thinking we might enjoy breakfast more if we work up a real appetite first. What do you think?"
Jack lies back, waiting, with his eyes closed and a smile on his face. And, of course, within a few minutes, Ianto is sliding back into the bed next to him, with freshly brushed teeth and a raging hard-on.
"I miss you," said Jack aloud, and took another deep breath of Ianto's scent on the pillow.
Jack had found his shirt neatly folded on the dresser, with his mobile phone placed on top of it. He'd stopped and looked at them for a moment, confused. His phone was switched on and showing two missed calls from Gwen. How had he missed those?
Eventually Jack had put the matter to one side, and concentrated on washing and getting dressed, before wandering into the kitchen.
There were some basic provisions in the fridge. He must have put them in there himself; the bread and milk were fresh, but he couldn't remember having been out to the shops to buy them. He shook his head, perplexed. All the stress had finally caught up with him, he mused.
He'd made himself something simple to eat and had just about finished his breakfast, when the phone rang.
Now Jack prodded absent-mindedly at the crumbs left on the plate as the conversation came to an end.
"Yep. See you in a couple of hours, then. Just walk right in, door's open. Yeah… sure. I'll make a start. And… thanks."
Jack pressed the red button on the keypad to end the call, and stared at the phone for a moment, a little taken aback.
He put down the phone, cleared away his plate and cup, and then sat down to make another call.
Gwen answered on the third ring.
"Jack! Oh, I was getting worried. I tried ringing you a couple of times, but I think your phone was switched off… have you been okay?"
"Yeah. Sorry… I don't know what happened. I think I must have been sleeping a lot these past three or four days, don't remember much about them."
Things did seem a bit hazy. All he could remember about the past few days was pottering around Ianto's flat, seeing his things everywhere, and remembering the good times. Thinking about the bad things that had happened and analyzing what he could have done to make things work out differently.
Jack had made some bad mistakes, he could admit that to himself, but he'd been out of his mind with grief and guilt at the time, not to mention a little out of his league to start with. He could have done some things differently, but in the end… blaming himself was never going to help him get back what he'd lost.
He hated himself for what he'd had to do with Stephen, he always would. But it was a desperate time, and he simply hadn't known what else to do.
At least, in the end, he'd saved millions of children. He'd lost so much, but he'd saved the Earth, and he knew he had to focus on that now.
"So how are you feeling?" Gwen's voice was comforting. He was going to miss her.
"Sad. Empty. Tired…. All that good stuff." He rubbed his face.
"Nobody could blame you for that."
"Guess not."
"What about that Doctor of yours. Has he been in touch?" She sounded slightly disdainful.
"No," Jack said, but then hesitated.
"Do you trust me?"
He must have paused for a little too long.
"Jack?"
Long thin arms wrap themselves around him. Jack tries to fight the other man off, he's still so hurt… so angry. But he eventually surrenders and lets himself be held, allows the release of hot tears to soak into familiar brown fabric...
Jack smiled a little to himself. It wasn't as though he hadn't dreamt of the Doctor countless times throughout his life.
"Yeah, still here. No… not heard from him. Guess I'll catch up with him eventually. Anyway… how are you?"
"Oh, we're fine. Oh, and you, Jack Harkness, paying a deposit on that house for us! Why didn't you say anything?"
Jack frowned. Had he done that? Yes, of course he had. That was one of the last things he'd done before he came to stay at Ianto's flat.
"Least I can do. I had some money stashed away. And if I'd have said anything, you'd only have argued."
"Too right I would have," said Gwen, but she sounded like she was smiling as she spoke. "But… thank you. It's amazing of you. And they say there's no chain, so we might be able to move in within a couple of weeks!"
"That's great. Oh… I had a call, a few minutes ago. From Rhiannon Davies."
Gwen paused. "Ah. I gave her my number at… the funeral. And she rang me and asked for yours. I probably shouldn't have given it to her, but I thought… you know. It might do you good to talk…"
Jack interrupted her smoothly. "It's okay. Ianto's flat… ownership passed to UNIT, now that Torchwood's… well, anyway. The final month's notice runs out tomorrow, so Rhiannon's coming over this afternoon, and we're going to go through Ianto's stuff. Take his clothes to the charity shop, that kind of thing."
Jack swallowed hard. It hit him just then, how final it all seemed.
Gwen sounded like she was fighting back tears. "Do you need me to…?"
"No. We've got it covered. She said she wanted someone to be with her, someone who knew Ianto as well as she did."
"Where are you now?"
"I'm in Ianto's flat," said Jack, a little surprised. "I've been staying here for the past four days. It was your idea!"
"Nope… nothing to do with me. You rang me a few days ago and said you were going to rent a flat."
Jack frowned. "I did? I thought… Maybe you misunderstood what I meant…"
"How has it been?"
Jack considered. "Actually… not as painful as I thought it might be. It's been quite comforting, being surrounded by familiar things, y'know? There are traces of him everywhere. Makes me miss him just that tiny bit less."
"Good. Where are you going after today then? You could always stay with us for a bit…"
Jack paused. "Actually… that's why I rang. To say goodbye."
Gwen took a sharp intake of breath. "What do you mean?"
Jack closed his eyes. "I have a lot of stuff to get straight in my head, Gwen. And I figured… we've saved this planet so many times, maybe I should take a good look round it, y'know? And there's nothing like a good long walk to shake the dirt off your shoes. Get some fresh air… some perspective…"
"How long? Where…? I mean..." Gwen sounded distressed.
"Hey… hey. This is for the best. And you have your new house to play with, and your baby to look forward to. I'm going away for a while, and then I'll be in touch. I need to do this, Gwen."
"You'll miss seeing me getting fat," said Gwen, in a small voice.
Jack smiled. "I'll be back in plenty of time to see you looking like a beached whale, Gwen Cooper. You just concentrate on looking after yourself, okay?"
"Ring me. As soon as you get the chance."
"Yes ma'am. Love to Rhys. And Junior."
"Oh… God, Jack. You drive me crazy. Take care of yourself, sweetheart."
Jack ended the call, before she got any more upset.
He took a breath and went to put the phone into his greatcoat pocket. His coat
"I really like that coat…"
was hanging near the front door. On an impulse, Jack went through his pockets. He had half a mind that they held quite a few things, but they were all empty, apart from the inside breast pocket. Inside that, there was a coiled up stretch of material. Ianto's tie. Jack took it out, remembering with a pang of sadness how it came to be in there.
Jack now held the tie to his face. It still smelled of him. Just a little, although he knew that would soon fade and he'd only be left with the vague memory of what that scent was once like.
Jack kissed the fabric, and then coiled it up again and placed it back into his pocket. It would sit in there, and he would take it out, and look at it often.
It would remind him of what he had lost, and it would hurt. But then he would remember how special Ianto had been to him, and how much he'd been loved in return. And that thought would comfort him.
Jack opened up each drawer of Ianto's bedside cabinet, rummaging. It felt horribly intrusive, but on the other hand he knew that Ianto kept… personal items in there that he and Jack had used together, and they weren't the sort of things a man would want his sister to find.
He put the half-empty tube of lubricant, massage oil, cuffs, blindfold and the small collection of sex toys into a carrier bag and tied the handles together, planning on putting it in the bin before Rhiannon arrived. He couldn't help but smile at the memories of he and Ianto using those personal items, and didn't even feel guilty about the stir of arousal those thoughts awoke in his loins. Ianto would be pleased to know he could still turn Jack on, even after he'd gone.
He opened the bottom drawer. It was empty, save for a photo frame placed face-down in the bottom. Jack picked it up and looked at it. It was a photo of him and Ianto. In the picture, Jack had his arm around Ianto and a silly grin on his face, and Ianto had his eyes turned towards Jack, looking at him with that expression of awed admiration that Jack sometimes caught out of the corner of his eye.
Jack remembered the photo being taken on Gwen's phone camera during a rare work's night out at the bowling alley, 18 months or so ago. The original pose had Toshiko on the other side of him, he remembered, and he could now see the corner of her jacket at the edge of the picture, near his leg.
Ianto had cropped the photo so that it was of just the two of them, printed it out and kept it on his bedside cabinet, Jack now realised. And when he knew Jack would be staying over, he'd take it down and hide it in a drawer so that Jack didn't see it.
He'd been reluctant to let Jack know just how much he meant to him. He didn't want to make Jack feel uncomfortable. Didn't want to rock the boat. Didn't want to scare him away.
Jack held the photo against his chest, and for the first time since Ianto's funeral, tears ran down his cheeks. Except… the tears felt familiar, like he was used to feeling them sting his face. Maybe he'd been crying in his sleep these past few days and hadn’t realised.
It was a release, he knew, but he felt so terribly sad at that moment.
"I love you, Ianto," he whispered. "I wish I'd told you, before it was too late."
"I knew you loved me… you bloody idiot."
Jack smiled through his tears. He imagined Ianto might have said that to him, if he were there. "Oh, I hope you did," he said aloud.
Jack took the back off the photo frame and took the photo out. He went to put the photograph into his coat pocket.
Now he'd always have something to look at when he got too lonely. Eventually, over the centuries, the photo would fade and eventually disintegrate, but it didn't matter. By the time that happened, the image would forever be imprinted on his mind.
Jack walked into the cemetery and approached the grave, his long coat flapping around his legs in the early morning breeze.
He leant over and ran his index finger briefly over the first few words chiselled into the headstone.
IANTO JONES
19 August 1983 - 9 July 2009
Loving Son and Brother
Taken From Us Too Soon
"You got that right," Jack muttered, reading the final line of the inscription. He took the bouquet of red roses from the crook of his arm, and placed it reverently on top of the soil. There were already some flowers there, white carnations. The card read "Ianto, forever in our hearts. Your loving family, Rhi, Johnny and the kids".
His flowers didn't carry a card, but he hoped that anyone who saw them would know who'd left them.
Jack cleared his throat. "I know… well, I'm pretty sure, that you're not physically here," he said quietly. "And I know I could talk to you from anywhere, but… this seems like the right sort of place to be. Hope you like the flowers."
The first flowers he'd ever bought Ianto, come to think of it. He rubbed his face subconsciously, and laughed. "You know how shit I am at this sort of thing. I bet you're watching and laughing your ass off at me, wherever you are right now."
He sat down on his haunches. "I just wanted to let you know that I won't be back here for a while. I'm going on a long walk. I have a lot to think about, a lot to forgive myself for. Gray, Suzie, Toshiko… Owen. All those poor kids back in 1965. Clem. You… Alice. And Stephen, of course. I'm going to visit Stephen's grave, when I leave here. Didn't think he'd want flowers, so I bought him a teddy bear, see?" He took the toy out of his pocket and jiggled it in the air. He felt vaguely foolish, but knew Ianto wouldn't mind. He shoved it back into his pocket.
"I've been thinking of phoning Alice, see if she'll talk to me, but… I think it would just upset her. Everything's still so raw. But maybe in a few years… she might see that I didn't have a choice. I know… she can't see the big picture. And I don't blame her for hating me."
He gritted his teeth for a moment, biting back tears.
"I know I have a long way to go, to forgive myself for everything that I did wrong. But sitting on my own isn't going to help. I'll just get bogged down with everything… get crazy. Do something stupid. And it's not gonna bring you back, is it? It's not going to bring anyone back. So… anyway. I just… needed someone to tell. And you were always a good listener, Ianto. Maybe I should have talked to you more. I was always a selfish, stubborn ass. I don't know why you put up with me."
Jack felt the tears roll down his cheeks. He sniffed, and wiped them away.
"Anyway. I've been in touch with Rhiannon. We cleared your flat. I think she kept some your stuff. You know… trinkets. Don't worry; I got rid of our stuff in your bedside cabinet, and the porn in your wardrobe, before she got there." He chuckled dryly. "We left it nice and tidy, just the way you like it."
The smell of bleach seemed to be lingering in his nose.
"And… I found your photo of us. The one in the frame. You shouldn't have hidden it away on my account. But I know why you did, and I'm sorry for that, too. I kept it. I have it right here," Jack patted his breast pocket. "Next to my heart. And your tie, too. My favourite one, the purple and grey stripey tie, did I ever tell you how much I liked it?"
Jack had the feeling he was beginning to ramble. He half laughed, half sobbed. "I miss you. Miss you so much, Ianto. But wherever I go, you'll be there with me, right? I can talk to you whenever I like, I guess. I will. I'll tell you everything, from now on. And I know… I know you'd have forgiven me for everything. For everyone. But I have to try and learn to forgive myself, now. It's just going to take time."
Luckily, Jack was immortal. He had lost everything… but time was something he would always have plenty of.
Jack kissed his fingertips and brushed them softly over Ianto's name on the gravestone.
Then he stood, dusted down his greatcoat, and turned towards the exit gate.
Captain Jack Harkness took a deep breath, briefly placed his hand over his breast pocket, and then took the first few steps of the longest walk he would ever take.
END
Final Author's Note:
Okay, now you can have your "Six months later".
In case anybody is confused by this final chapter, I'd like to think that the Doctor modified Jack's memories, not by taking away his knowledge of anything that happened, but by soothing his guilt, making him see things from a different, more positive angle, and taking away the memory of what he'd done to himself in that horrible bedsit. He made Jack believe that he'd spent that time surrounded by comforting and familiar things. Given that there isn't a whole lot left to work with, I think this was the kindest and most proactive thing the Doctor could have done for him.
When Jack meets up with the Doctor again, I'm almost certain that the events of CoE will not be referred to, and that Jack will act as though nothing happened, which appals me. This fic hopefully goes some way to explaining how the Doctor knows about the events of CoE but does not need to ask. And if he does ask… Jack will have no memory of having been with the Doctor in the meantime.
I have to stress here that I absolutely hate the canon in CoE, but there were some things left undone and unsaid that bugged me. The disrespectful lack of a funeral for Ianto, how Jack coped with the grief and consequences of the aftermath, whether Jack knew what Ianto's father really did for a living i.e. was Jack the only one who really knew Ianto? I'd like to think he was, and I hope I've answered a few other questions, in my own way.
Now… Can somebody pass me the retcon, please.
Thanks for reading.
Ruthy x
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