Fic: 'Fandom Death Match'
No. I don't know what's wrong with me.
****
Title: Fandom Death Match…Without The Death: Stargate: Atlantis vs. Bandom
Author: Never
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard, implied Andy/Pete, Brendon/Spencer, and Bob/Ray
Rating: PG-13?
Disclaimer: So not mine.
Warning: Crack. Lots and lots of crack. Consider yourself warned. Also, all jokes are made in good fun. No offense is intended, so please don’t bitch at me.
Summary: See title and warning.
Author’s Notes: So…I’ve never seen Celebrity Death Match, but…yeah. That’s not going to stop me from sort of imitating it. Spawned from a comment made here. You don't have to be familiar with both fandoms to understand this. However, if you're curious, I have a list of characters and links to their pics.
Edit: I can't believe I forgot to add this...beta'd by the one and only arnie1967!
***
List of characters:
Stargate: Atlantis
Ronon Dex
Rodney McKay
John Sheppard
Teyla Emmagen
Radek Zelenka
Elizabeth Weir
Carson Beckett
Bandom
Frank Iero
Spencer Smith
Andy Hurley
Brendon Urie
Ray Toro
Pete Wentz
Ryan Ross
Gerard Way
Bob Bryar
William Beckett
***
“Hey, and welcome to this very special edition of Celebrity Death Match between Team Shep from Stargate: Atlantis and those little emo boys of bandom,” Pete says into his microphone.
Beside him at the announcer’s table, Ryan doesn’t say anything. Instead, he checks his eye makeup in a compact mirror.
“We’re doing things a little differently tonight: we’ve got five exciting matches coming up, and at the end of the show, we will find out who truly is the butch and who’s the bitch.” Pete turns to Ryan. “Team Shep is definitely a force to be reckoned with - they’re tough, they’re trained, and they’ve got The Hair on their side. So, we have to ask, does bandom have what it takes to bring Atlantis down?”
Ryan hums into his microphone.
“My thoughts exactly! Now, first up is Ronon Dex, former Satedan runner, and Frank Iero, the tiny, powerhouse rhythm guitarist from My Chemical Romance.”
Match 1: Ronon vs. Frank
Ronon, dressed in brown leather pants and a matching brown leather vest, crosses his arms over his chest and glares down at Frank, whose head barely reaches the top of Ronon’s abdomen. Ronon’s a little confused: is he actually expected to fight someone so small? Ronon isn’t even convinced that the man before him with all the tattoos and the bright pink hoodie is an adult, and Sheppard has always been pretty clear that Ronon isn’t supposed to hurt kids. Or people who can’t defend themselves. And Frank seems to fall under at least one of those two categories.
That is, until Frank smiles and attacks.
“Oh!” Pete exclaims. “The Flying Monkey Attack, that had to hurt! Ronon is pulling himself back up and he does not look happy. Frank’s going to have to come up with something…whoa! I’ve never seen anyone move that fast; Ronon just doesn’t seem able to get a handle on Frank.”
Ryan finally deigns to add, “Frank’s fast.”
“And he’s got his small size on his side - did you see how he ducked between Ronon’s legs just then? Amazing! Oh! Oh no, Ronon’s grabbed Frank and his picking him up like a doll! Holy shit! Folks, you saw that correctly, Frank just kicked Ronon in the balls! Yes, David has taken down Goliath on this one. Ryan, have you ever seen anything like that?”
Ryan’s lips contort into a pseudo-smile.
“Me either. Well, that’s one hell of a start to the night, and it brings us to the second match between snarky scientist, Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay - who the hell names their son Meredith? - and Spencer Smith, drummer of Panic! At the Disco. And no, despite how girl-pretty Spencer is, he is in fact, a male…I know, I couldn’t believe it either.”
Match 2: Rodney vs. Spencer
Rodney is ready for battle; he’s even wearing his white judo outfit that he wears when Ronon kicks his ass trains with him.
He circles the pretty boy - who is wearing girl jeans and a t-shirt with glitter stars on it - once, and he takes it as an insult that Spencer mostly ignores him. But Rodney’s about to show that little drummer boy what he can do! Lately, John has been dragging Rodney out of his lab for a ridiculous amount of training in preparation for this match, and Rodney is about to earn the blowjob to end all blowjobs from John by kicking Spencer’s ass.
Spencer tilts his head, takes the two steps to bring him within striking distance of Rodney McKay, and smirks.
“Whoa!” Pete leans back. “One bitch-slap and McKay is down! Team Shep needs a miracle to stay in this competition. If the bandom boys win this next match, it’s all over for SGA. Next up is Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, military commander of Atlantis, and Andy Hurley, pale, adorably-geeky-but-still-sexy-as-hell drummer of Fall Out Boy.”
Match 3: John vs. Andy
Andy is only wearing a pair of shorts, but those shorts are very important because they hold his secret weapon. He looks across the ring at Sheppard, dressed in his military uniform sans automatic weapons, and Andy can’t help but notice that Sheppard’s eyes keep darting over to McKay with a soft but still worried expression. Andy sympathizes.
Holding up his hands, Andy explains, “I just want you to know that overall, I’m a pacifist. I don’t approve of harming or killing in any way, shape, or form. However, I’m also very anti-establishment, and despite how crazy your hair is, you still technically represent The Man, so I’m forced to meet you in battle.” And with that, he reaches into his shorts and pulls out his secret weapon: his drumsticks.
He holds them out in a vaguely kung-fu stance and prepares to kick ass.
Fifty two seconds later, the medic is called for, and Andy is carried away in a stretcher with only one broken, bloody drumstick clutched in his hand.
“Ouch. Um. We’ll keep you updated on Andy’s condition as we get any news. Um. I need to. Uh. I need to go.” Pete jumps up from the announcer’s table, and chases after Andy’s stretcher.
Ryan blinks down at his microphone, silently vowing to slowly skewer and cook Pete over a bonfire fueled by Pete’s favorite bass.
“Perhaps I could help,” a woman says, taking Pete’s empty seat. “I’m Dr. Elizabeth Weir, head of the Atlantis Expedition. I was hoping that maybe we could discuss things and come to a peaceful resolution of this conflict.”
Ryan blinks again.
Gerard marches up to the announcer’s table and steals a microphone. “Peaceful resolutions are what we always hope for, but while they’re negotiating, let’s have the next match! Fighting for Team Shep is Teyla Emmagen - don’t let her size or her sex fool you, she can break you without trying. And bandom is sending forth Brendon Urie, the sweet, formerly-Mormon lead singer of Panic! At the Disco.”
Match 4: Teyla vs. Brendon
Brendon zips his lavender hoodie all the way up, then tucks his red-framed glasses into his pocket. Spencer won his match, so Brendon must win his or he’ll never hear the end of it.
The main problem, though, is that Brendon doesn’t really do violence. And Spencer can be really scary sometimes if Brendon, Ryan, or Jon are threatened, so it makes sense that he could win his match; Brendon is only scary when he’s had six cans of Red Bull and two whole bags of M&Ms, and even then it’s more ‘annoying’ than ‘scary.’
And Brendon can see Teyla’s muscles from across the ring.
He’s so screwed.
“Okay, um,” Brendon rushes over to Teyla’s side of the ring, “so I went on this hunting trip when I was a kid and I shot a rabbit but it didn’t die and I saw it lying there crying and I couldn’t kill it so I had to have someone else put it out of its misery and it was very traumatic and I’ve never gotten over it and I just can’t fight you because that would go against everything that I believe in and I was hoping that you could understand where I’m coming from and we could just call this a draw or something.” Brendon takes a breath when he finishes and waits for Teyla to answer.
Teyla’s eyebrow quirks up. “You. Do not wish to fight me?”
“Not if I can help it.”
A serene smile appears on her face. “John will not be pleased, but if you do not wish to fight, we will not.” She places her hands on his shoulder and presses her forehead to Brendon’s, then climbs out of the ring.
Wow. Brendon can’t believe that actually worked; he has to go tell Spencer because this totally deserves a special Spencer treat!
“Um,” Gerard wonders what the hell just happened. “So it looks like bandom is ahead 2 to 1. This next match will determine if bandom will prevail or if SGA will come up from behind for a tie. This is the last match of the evening and it is between Team Shep’s wild-haired Czech scientist, Dr. Radek Zelenka and My Chemical Romance’s afro-bearing lead guitar player, Ray Toro. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the Battle of the Crazy Hairstyles!”
Match 5: Radek vs. Ray
Radek’s hair is trying desperately to jump off of his head, and across the ring, Ray’s hair is trying to overpower the rest of his body. The two fighters move towards each other, meeting in the center of the ring.
Gerard thinks their face off is sort of epic.
And an instant later, it’s not so much epic as hilarious since Radek is on Ray.
“Ow! Ow! Biting’s not allowed! Fuck!” Ray screams.
From there, it isn’t long before the medic is called back and everyone can hear Ray yelling, “Get him checked for rabies!” while holding onto Bob.
“Well, I guess there you have it: it’s a tie! Stargate: Atlantis and bandom are both 2 to 2. And unfortunately, we’re running out of time, but join us next week for the Sudden Death tie-breaker between lovable, Scottish medical doctor, Carson Beckett and gangly, pretty-boy lead singer of The Academy Is…, William Beckett! We’ll see if their last name is the only thing they have in common, or if they also share a desire to fight to the death in…Celebrity Death Match!”
end
****
Title: Fandom Death Match…Without The Death: Stargate: Atlantis vs. Bandom
Author: Never
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard, implied Andy/Pete, Brendon/Spencer, and Bob/Ray
Rating: PG-13?
Disclaimer: So not mine.
Warning: Crack. Lots and lots of crack. Consider yourself warned. Also, all jokes are made in good fun. No offense is intended, so please don’t bitch at me.
Summary: See title and warning.
Author’s Notes: So…I’ve never seen Celebrity Death Match, but…yeah. That’s not going to stop me from sort of imitating it. Spawned from a comment made here. You don't have to be familiar with both fandoms to understand this. However, if you're curious, I have a list of characters and links to their pics.
Edit: I can't believe I forgot to add this...beta'd by the one and only arnie1967!
***
List of characters:
Stargate: Atlantis
Ronon Dex
Rodney McKay
John Sheppard
Teyla Emmagen
Radek Zelenka
Elizabeth Weir
Carson Beckett
Bandom
Frank Iero
Spencer Smith
Andy Hurley
Brendon Urie
Ray Toro
Pete Wentz
Ryan Ross
Gerard Way
Bob Bryar
William Beckett
***
“Hey, and welcome to this very special edition of Celebrity Death Match between Team Shep from Stargate: Atlantis and those little emo boys of bandom,” Pete says into his microphone.
Beside him at the announcer’s table, Ryan doesn’t say anything. Instead, he checks his eye makeup in a compact mirror.
“We’re doing things a little differently tonight: we’ve got five exciting matches coming up, and at the end of the show, we will find out who truly is the butch and who’s the bitch.” Pete turns to Ryan. “Team Shep is definitely a force to be reckoned with - they’re tough, they’re trained, and they’ve got The Hair on their side. So, we have to ask, does bandom have what it takes to bring Atlantis down?”
Ryan hums into his microphone.
“My thoughts exactly! Now, first up is Ronon Dex, former Satedan runner, and Frank Iero, the tiny, powerhouse rhythm guitarist from My Chemical Romance.”
Match 1: Ronon vs. Frank
Ronon, dressed in brown leather pants and a matching brown leather vest, crosses his arms over his chest and glares down at Frank, whose head barely reaches the top of Ronon’s abdomen. Ronon’s a little confused: is he actually expected to fight someone so small? Ronon isn’t even convinced that the man before him with all the tattoos and the bright pink hoodie is an adult, and Sheppard has always been pretty clear that Ronon isn’t supposed to hurt kids. Or people who can’t defend themselves. And Frank seems to fall under at least one of those two categories.
That is, until Frank smiles and attacks.
“Oh!” Pete exclaims. “The Flying Monkey Attack, that had to hurt! Ronon is pulling himself back up and he does not look happy. Frank’s going to have to come up with something…whoa! I’ve never seen anyone move that fast; Ronon just doesn’t seem able to get a handle on Frank.”
Ryan finally deigns to add, “Frank’s fast.”
“And he’s got his small size on his side - did you see how he ducked between Ronon’s legs just then? Amazing! Oh! Oh no, Ronon’s grabbed Frank and his picking him up like a doll! Holy shit! Folks, you saw that correctly, Frank just kicked Ronon in the balls! Yes, David has taken down Goliath on this one. Ryan, have you ever seen anything like that?”
Ryan’s lips contort into a pseudo-smile.
“Me either. Well, that’s one hell of a start to the night, and it brings us to the second match between snarky scientist, Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay - who the hell names their son Meredith? - and Spencer Smith, drummer of Panic! At the Disco. And no, despite how girl-pretty Spencer is, he is in fact, a male…I know, I couldn’t believe it either.”
Match 2: Rodney vs. Spencer
Rodney is ready for battle; he’s even wearing his white judo outfit that he wears when Ronon kicks his ass trains with him.
He circles the pretty boy - who is wearing girl jeans and a t-shirt with glitter stars on it - once, and he takes it as an insult that Spencer mostly ignores him. But Rodney’s about to show that little drummer boy what he can do! Lately, John has been dragging Rodney out of his lab for a ridiculous amount of training in preparation for this match, and Rodney is about to earn the blowjob to end all blowjobs from John by kicking Spencer’s ass.
Spencer tilts his head, takes the two steps to bring him within striking distance of Rodney McKay, and smirks.
“Whoa!” Pete leans back. “One bitch-slap and McKay is down! Team Shep needs a miracle to stay in this competition. If the bandom boys win this next match, it’s all over for SGA. Next up is Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, military commander of Atlantis, and Andy Hurley, pale, adorably-geeky-but-still-sexy-as-hell drummer of Fall Out Boy.”
Match 3: John vs. Andy
Andy is only wearing a pair of shorts, but those shorts are very important because they hold his secret weapon. He looks across the ring at Sheppard, dressed in his military uniform sans automatic weapons, and Andy can’t help but notice that Sheppard’s eyes keep darting over to McKay with a soft but still worried expression. Andy sympathizes.
Holding up his hands, Andy explains, “I just want you to know that overall, I’m a pacifist. I don’t approve of harming or killing in any way, shape, or form. However, I’m also very anti-establishment, and despite how crazy your hair is, you still technically represent The Man, so I’m forced to meet you in battle.” And with that, he reaches into his shorts and pulls out his secret weapon: his drumsticks.
He holds them out in a vaguely kung-fu stance and prepares to kick ass.
Fifty two seconds later, the medic is called for, and Andy is carried away in a stretcher with only one broken, bloody drumstick clutched in his hand.
“Ouch. Um. We’ll keep you updated on Andy’s condition as we get any news. Um. I need to. Uh. I need to go.” Pete jumps up from the announcer’s table, and chases after Andy’s stretcher.
Ryan blinks down at his microphone, silently vowing to slowly skewer and cook Pete over a bonfire fueled by Pete’s favorite bass.
“Perhaps I could help,” a woman says, taking Pete’s empty seat. “I’m Dr. Elizabeth Weir, head of the Atlantis Expedition. I was hoping that maybe we could discuss things and come to a peaceful resolution of this conflict.”
Ryan blinks again.
Gerard marches up to the announcer’s table and steals a microphone. “Peaceful resolutions are what we always hope for, but while they’re negotiating, let’s have the next match! Fighting for Team Shep is Teyla Emmagen - don’t let her size or her sex fool you, she can break you without trying. And bandom is sending forth Brendon Urie, the sweet, formerly-Mormon lead singer of Panic! At the Disco.”
Match 4: Teyla vs. Brendon
Brendon zips his lavender hoodie all the way up, then tucks his red-framed glasses into his pocket. Spencer won his match, so Brendon must win his or he’ll never hear the end of it.
The main problem, though, is that Brendon doesn’t really do violence. And Spencer can be really scary sometimes if Brendon, Ryan, or Jon are threatened, so it makes sense that he could win his match; Brendon is only scary when he’s had six cans of Red Bull and two whole bags of M&Ms, and even then it’s more ‘annoying’ than ‘scary.’
And Brendon can see Teyla’s muscles from across the ring.
He’s so screwed.
“Okay, um,” Brendon rushes over to Teyla’s side of the ring, “so I went on this hunting trip when I was a kid and I shot a rabbit but it didn’t die and I saw it lying there crying and I couldn’t kill it so I had to have someone else put it out of its misery and it was very traumatic and I’ve never gotten over it and I just can’t fight you because that would go against everything that I believe in and I was hoping that you could understand where I’m coming from and we could just call this a draw or something.” Brendon takes a breath when he finishes and waits for Teyla to answer.
Teyla’s eyebrow quirks up. “You. Do not wish to fight me?”
“Not if I can help it.”
A serene smile appears on her face. “John will not be pleased, but if you do not wish to fight, we will not.” She places her hands on his shoulder and presses her forehead to Brendon’s, then climbs out of the ring.
Wow. Brendon can’t believe that actually worked; he has to go tell Spencer because this totally deserves a special Spencer treat!
“Um,” Gerard wonders what the hell just happened. “So it looks like bandom is ahead 2 to 1. This next match will determine if bandom will prevail or if SGA will come up from behind for a tie. This is the last match of the evening and it is between Team Shep’s wild-haired Czech scientist, Dr. Radek Zelenka and My Chemical Romance’s afro-bearing lead guitar player, Ray Toro. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the Battle of the Crazy Hairstyles!”
Match 5: Radek vs. Ray
Radek’s hair is trying desperately to jump off of his head, and across the ring, Ray’s hair is trying to overpower the rest of his body. The two fighters move towards each other, meeting in the center of the ring.
Gerard thinks their face off is sort of epic.
And an instant later, it’s not so much epic as hilarious since Radek is on Ray.
“Ow! Ow! Biting’s not allowed! Fuck!” Ray screams.
From there, it isn’t long before the medic is called back and everyone can hear Ray yelling, “Get him checked for rabies!” while holding onto Bob.
“Well, I guess there you have it: it’s a tie! Stargate: Atlantis and bandom are both 2 to 2. And unfortunately, we’re running out of time, but join us next week for the Sudden Death tie-breaker between lovable, Scottish medical doctor, Carson Beckett and gangly, pretty-boy lead singer of The Academy Is…, William Beckett! We’ll see if their last name is the only thing they have in common, or if they also share a desire to fight to the death in…Celebrity Death Match!”
end