Comments | never_here: Things I must have missed.

never_here

Things I must have missed.

Apr 16, 2011 14:51

Here I was yesterday- posting some lame update on my journal while not knowing that things had happened, things that I wish I knew more about.
I received a phone call last night from mister_punchy that our friend Scott McKinnon (minkstaccato) had shot himself the day before my birthday. I'm still reeling from this news and it seems unreal in some ways still. It didn't ( Read more... )

Comments 13

theotherjay April 16 2011, 22:21:11 UTC

I've thought about suicide before. Usually this just comes from a deep feeling of guilt, and the belief that I'm not worth the resources it takes to keep me alive, and that no one would really be worse off if I was gone. The funny thing is, I would believe this even when there were people around who said they loved me and cared about me. So it's not a rational conviction. Suicide indicates something more deeply wrong with a person's mental state. It's not your fault. You mustn't blame yourself. Even though I know how futile that is to say.

I haven't seen you in a while, but I'd still be glad to be here if you want to talk.

never_here April 18 2011, 21:27:22 UTC

It would be great to talk; I'm really having some trouble processing this all. I know it'll take time, but I feel like I can't function properly anymore or something.

theotherjay April 19 2011, 01:54:07 UTC

Give me a call or email or something. I'm here.

chemikal April 17 2011, 00:44:47 UTC

Fuck ( ... )

never_here April 18 2011, 21:34:43 UTC

Thank you, just hearing it all from you helps make this a little better.

chemikal April 19 2011, 04:18:05 UTC

As they say - "aint no thang". Keep us posted on how you are doing.

christophrawr April 17 2011, 22:59:35 UTC

hug.

never_here April 18 2011, 21:32:20 UTC

Thank you, Sir.
If only you were here to deliver a real hug, I sure could use one right now.

christophrawr April 20 2011, 17:57:51 UTC

I'll be in PDX the week of August 3rd to 8th for Zeke's wedding and promise not to ask you to drive anywhere. :)

never_here April 20 2011, 18:14:16 UTC

That will be awesome!
I won't be driving anywhere as Steve the Car is no more.

morte_o_merce April 20 2011, 18:26:55 UTC

Sorry for your loss, hon. I know how much you must be hurting now. I'm sorry it took me so long to see this post.

I understand the texting thing. When Mel died, I kept calling her cell phone over and over just so I could hear her voice on her voicemail message. A small insane part of me hoped she would answer. I did that until her account ran out.

What happened wasn't your fault, hon. As someone with a long history of being suicidal, there is nothing you could have done if he was really determined. You did everything you could, you were a friend.

The warring urges of wanting to destroy and wanting to curl up in a ball, yea, that is grief in a nutshell. I still wrestle with those now, though it has gotten easier. My heart goes out to you, hon.

~HUG~

never_here April 21 2011, 19:35:39 UTC

Thank you. I know that you, of all people reading, know about dealing with loss. I've been trying so hard to deal day to day without being shocked by a memory of Scott- or being hit with a feeling of guilt for not doing enough to help him or for not stopping to say hi to him the day before he died.
I'm sure I can go over things like this again and again in my head until I go crazy, but I'd rather not go crazy. I think I need counseling or something.
Bleh.
But thank you for being here for me.

morte_o_merce April 21 2011, 19:53:41 UTC

It is not easy, I don't think it is meant to be. And really I don't ever want to get to the point where it IS easy to deal with that kind of loss. Okay, that's not true, there are times when I do wish I was cold and unfeeling just so I wouldn't have to feel the pain, but those moments pass.

Guilt and self-blame are natural, hon. I understand. I found ways to blame myself for Mel's death even though it wasn't my fault in any way. The propensity for human guilt is rather phenomenal. There is no way you could have known what he was going to do and there is no guarantee he wouldn't have done it regardless. You did nothing wrong.

Therapy might be a good idea. Grief can be a heavy burden, there is no shame is seeking help to carry it until you are strong enough to bear it yourself. Even self-reliant bitches like me need help sometimes. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself, hon.

My thoughts are with you, babe.

*hug*