A lesson from Sex and the City and other randomness
While we expect 'Tasty Delights' instead of real icecream, emails instead of love songs, jokes instead of poetry. It is no wonder that when faced with the real thing, we can't stomach it. Is it something we could learn to digest? Or have we become romance intolerant?
-Sex and the City
Highly Profound...
The irony is that a man like me has to feign aloofness, become the jokester, become something I'm not to get a fighting chance in the romance game...
The truth is...the times I do what comes naturally...the romance...the poetry...I lose at the game...it is difficult to digest...and it is undesirable. Instead the real mystery of me is lost in the superficial mystery...I know few people who I think actually grasp what I am capable of...and these people are about one particle board away from lunacy.
I was thinking of how people live day by day in perpetual just in caseness. We stay with people just in case no one else will love us. We believe in God just in case he's really there. We keep extra men or women around just in case it falls through. We are an insurance buying, vitamin taking, doctor visiting, seat belt wearing, and condom wearing people...just in case.
Did you know they have places in big cities...love affirmation classes...where women get together and tell themselves over and over that they will get love if they believe in love...believe that they deserve love...
Well women...eventually the chamber with the bullet will fire in your head too...
If you are desperate for it, you will settle, and if you hold back when you know what you want, you will lose...
and if you continue to destroy the good men out there, you will have no choice but to settle for what you don't want...
As I have done over and over in my life...a moment of complete grokking.
It was I who was settling...I had to read back in my journal to find it there...my own manifesto...
I am already broken...I am already unworthy...lost. Perhaps a mere beacon to some of you...but I cannot and will not despair...I was settling by thinking that I need to convince anyone to stay in some long term loyal relationship with me...for testing anyone to see the viability of it...to see if it really existed...
Frankly, I'm tired of the bullshit. I woke up in another nightmare last night...and it hit me...there really is no loyalty...not on that scale...and these women telling me over and over that they are loyal...arn't worth my time...they are not honest to themselves...how can they be honest to me...
The incessant "I don't cheat Dane" is hurting my ears...seriously..."but I'm not like that..."
Yes, you are. Yes, you fucking are...you are, you are, you are...
Damnit...
and I am an ass...I am an ass, I am an ass! Ha. Yes. An ass. Ok...so maybe you see through that...maybe, you know better...but If I'm not...it is not to some nefarious end...or call from me to be anything different...
Atleast I admit who I am...
It is my biological desire to sleep with many girls. Yes. It is my desire to work my way up the social chain to get the best looking women. Yes. It is...but I am ok with what I was born with...I can even go beyond it and push it aside...my memetic desire for a meaningful relationship is stronger than my biological desires...I can override that...
I haven't met a woman capable of this though...and I cannot override this thought...
I am not even disheartened by this...there is a world of women out there who have made the fucking mistakes already, who have already lied their last lie...destroyed their last good man...and will tell me that they don't give a fuck...they are out to love, to really love...and nothing else makes any more sense...
To the heartbreakers...the known and the unknown...continue on the path...in the end you will win...won't you? The most destructive of you will eventually break a man beyond his escape...or you will stay with an asshole...someone who has broken you...someone who breaks you everyday...and we are made to feel sorry for your settling either way...
Maybe keep a good one in your life...atleast what could have been...should have been...can imprint in your mind...and who knows...maybe you will come upon some profound realization..."I should have hurt less"...
Just in case.