The one with the ridiculous 50 Cent cut text + the moderately thinky thoughts.
Don't be mistaken. Please don't be mistaken at all. Because someday this all will come to an end, right as I hit the lights and the music starts and everything becomes so much bigger than it ever was while I was still trapped here. Please don't be mistaken at all. Because someday I will be able to walk down a street, and I will be on your level. I'll be better than I ever was while I was still trapped here. I will never stop growing. Because I want this so damn bad, and because I don't do that inferiority shit any more.
But, please, don't mistaken. It's not about feeling inferior right now, because I don't. And it's certainly not about people like you. And it's not about wanting what I can't have and won't get. It isn't about that all.
This is all about me. This is me being selfish. These are my dreams.
I will get where I want to be.
...But. Please don't be mistaken. This isn't some grudge; I'm not angry. All of this is about feeling inferior in the past. It's about looking at someone like you, and wanting what I can't have and won't ever get. It's about loving myself. It's about doing chores as an excuse to play music and practice. It's about how I want to sing, looking out at the people and the lights and feeling nervous but good.
It's about how I need this really bad. And it's about how watching a band perform live, right in front of me, makes me stare in awe and fascination and I want to do that so bad and I wish it had never had to leave and it's just my favorite thing in the world. And it's about being able to tell myself I did good, I did something good, something worthwhile, so that I have something to throw in the face of insecurity and the past and everything bad that's ever happened to me and every time I've ever been sad or hurt or upset.
And it's about how I need to go to school somewhere nobody knows me because so few people here know me and I don't want to be trapped by their assumptions. I'm not resentful; I make weird assumptions about people, too. I'm guilty, too. But, just like they do, I want to be free to be who I am rather than who they assume I am.
It's about the way people I meet outside of school like me a lot better than the people I meet in school. I'm just done with being here and doing this. I'm done with these people and I'm going to leave them behind while most of them go up to Orlando and hang out to each other and change. I'll change somewhere else, somewhere better for me. And everyone I care about will come with me, not physically but in my heart.
I'm ready for a new set of people who will assume weird things about me that probably aren't true but are truer than the ones people assume here. And I will hopefully assume less weird things by then than I assume about people here.
Oh, what the fuck. I think I'm even less judgmental outside of school, about people's personalities. What the hell is that, I don't even.
If I meet a Hollister boy in school, I assume he thinks I'm a freak and hates me, and, depending on how he acts, I assume he's a douche. (As I've learned, slowly and not always remembering, if it walks and talks and dresses like a douche... it's still not always a douche.) If I meet a Hollister boy outside of school, I don't give a damn unless he's hot because he doesn't apply to me.
And I wonder if high school does that to everyone. Huh. Do we all just stuff everybody else into tiny little boxes and go our separate ways, happy to impose restraints on others? Because it would be nothing but weird to the people in my classes if they knew how a song with a good beat comes on and all I want to do is dance. They probably don't think I dance at all.
I don't even always like the assumptions people in the "real world" make about me now. But the difference is that they somehow can't impose them on me. And I can't impose my assumptions on them. And I've gotten better about it - I don't let myself insult other people in my head or hate them just because I'm jealous of them, and I catch it when I am jealous. But sometimes I assume somebody's a douche and get to know them a little by accident and they turn out to be sweet and open and honest, and I'm upset that I actually managed to assume that about somebody and be so off, even though I never said anything or did anything to make them aware about my assumptions.
But, somehow, spending most of four years - seven years - twelve years, depending on who it is, with the same group of people doesn't mean they know you. It doesn't mean they've stopped assuming weird things about you. It just means they're more concrete. People I know from middle school or elementary school are surprised by me now because they meet me outside of school and I seem so different and I am but a lot of that is still just who I always was.
I don't really understand... but I hope it's better for all of us when we get out there, to the "real world". Even the people I assume are douchebags and the people who assume I'm a freak.
But, please, don't mistaken. It's not about feeling inferior right now, because I don't. And it's certainly not about people like you. And it's not about wanting what I can't have and won't get. It isn't about that all.
This is all about me. This is me being selfish. These are my dreams.
I will get where I want to be.
...But. Please don't be mistaken. This isn't some grudge; I'm not angry. All of this is about feeling inferior in the past. It's about looking at someone like you, and wanting what I can't have and won't ever get. It's about loving myself. It's about doing chores as an excuse to play music and practice. It's about how I want to sing, looking out at the people and the lights and feeling nervous but good.
It's about how I need this really bad. And it's about how watching a band perform live, right in front of me, makes me stare in awe and fascination and I want to do that so bad and I wish it had never had to leave and it's just my favorite thing in the world. And it's about being able to tell myself I did good, I did something good, something worthwhile, so that I have something to throw in the face of insecurity and the past and everything bad that's ever happened to me and every time I've ever been sad or hurt or upset.
And it's about how I need to go to school somewhere nobody knows me because so few people here know me and I don't want to be trapped by their assumptions. I'm not resentful; I make weird assumptions about people, too. I'm guilty, too. But, just like they do, I want to be free to be who I am rather than who they assume I am.
It's about the way people I meet outside of school like me a lot better than the people I meet in school. I'm just done with being here and doing this. I'm done with these people and I'm going to leave them behind while most of them go up to Orlando and hang out to each other and change. I'll change somewhere else, somewhere better for me. And everyone I care about will come with me, not physically but in my heart.
I'm ready for a new set of people who will assume weird things about me that probably aren't true but are truer than the ones people assume here. And I will hopefully assume less weird things by then than I assume about people here.
Oh, what the fuck. I think I'm even less judgmental outside of school, about people's personalities. What the hell is that, I don't even.
If I meet a Hollister boy in school, I assume he thinks I'm a freak and hates me, and, depending on how he acts, I assume he's a douche. (As I've learned, slowly and not always remembering, if it walks and talks and dresses like a douche... it's still not always a douche.) If I meet a Hollister boy outside of school, I don't give a damn unless he's hot because he doesn't apply to me.
And I wonder if high school does that to everyone. Huh. Do we all just stuff everybody else into tiny little boxes and go our separate ways, happy to impose restraints on others? Because it would be nothing but weird to the people in my classes if they knew how a song with a good beat comes on and all I want to do is dance. They probably don't think I dance at all.
I don't even always like the assumptions people in the "real world" make about me now. But the difference is that they somehow can't impose them on me. And I can't impose my assumptions on them. And I've gotten better about it - I don't let myself insult other people in my head or hate them just because I'm jealous of them, and I catch it when I am jealous. But sometimes I assume somebody's a douche and get to know them a little by accident and they turn out to be sweet and open and honest, and I'm upset that I actually managed to assume that about somebody and be so off, even though I never said anything or did anything to make them aware about my assumptions.
But, somehow, spending most of four years - seven years - twelve years, depending on who it is, with the same group of people doesn't mean they know you. It doesn't mean they've stopped assuming weird things about you. It just means they're more concrete. People I know from middle school or elementary school are surprised by me now because they meet me outside of school and I seem so different and I am but a lot of that is still just who I always was.
I don't really understand... but I hope it's better for all of us when we get out there, to the "real world". Even the people I assume are douchebags and the people who assume I'm a freak.