Thank you.
For not being the kind of asshole I thought you were. For inspiring me. For feeling exactly the way that I do about music.
This is important to me, and I need to apologize for misjudging you even if it was only in my head. You are not the kind of cynical asshole I thought you were. Maybe you used to be - I wouldn't know because I don't know you - but I don't think you are any more. You're hilariously sarcastic, but only to the assholes. You've received everybody else with a kindness and grace I would never have expected.
And I feel really bad about thinking you were the kind of cynical intellectual that I hate because you're crazy physical attractive and crazy smart and immensely witty, and that is so my bag. Despite whatever I made that judgment on, you totally wrote that, I don't know, two, three, four years ago?
I don't even want people judging me on my journal entries from two years ago. I'm not sure I'd want them judging me on my journal entries from last year. I'm not sure I'd want them to judge me on anything I've written this month.
(I always sound like a pompous bitch in retrospect. Good fucking god.)
So it was perhaps just a little bit hypocritical of me to judge you on something like that. Goddamn.
And, even though I pretty much had no way of knowing, I feel like a giant bitch for assuming that you'd be a giant bitch to me if we ever met... or, not even that, just wouldn't even care enough to be a giant bitch. You'd just look down your nose at me for being emotional instead of intellectual and be a little bit confounded that I've chosen my heart over my mind when I could go with my mind. But not confounded enough to be curious; I'm just an anomaly who's made a really bad decision.
Obviously, I've got a bit of a chip on my shoulder about intellectual boys right now. I should probably do something about that before I go misjudging other random people, but I can't bring myself to yet. And that's for the same reason I don't want to like anybody again right now. I'm really tired of liking people I know will never like me. I'm really tired of getting hurt. I'm still kind of hurting, from everything in the past three years, sort of a residual pain when I think too much about it because it hurt so damn much at the time.
I don't need anybody to fix me. I just need some time to heal. I need some time to be less afraid. I'm working on being less shy, but I really, really, really don't want to like anybody. I'm so, so not ready right now. And maybe I still won't be ready, when I like somebody again. But, hopefully, I'll be more ready than I am right now.
God, I feel like I've just been a giant bitch lately. I would really like to stop misjudging people. I'd like to stop being mean to and about people, even if it's just in my head or to my friends and they will never, ever, ever find out. I just feel really bad about it.
And this is obviously also about all the other shit that makes me feel like a terrible person, especially lately. I had a breakdown in my bathroom a couple of days ago. I sobbed for half an hour because I felt like a horrible person and I've been feeling like a terrible person for a really long time and it's nothing I can do anything about and good people don't do that and I'm just going to hell, for real.
But I also feel really bad about misjudging you in particular. I'm trying to keep in mind that other people are people, too, even when I don't like them or they don't like me. They have insecurities, too. They've got baggage, too. That's one thing that LJ reminds me. I just wish it wasn't so hard to remember.
I wish I was nicer.
I wish I was just nice to everybody. I wish I didn't snap at people. I wish I wasn't mean or condescending, even a little bit, when I think somebody's being a total idiot.
I really just wish I was a better person. I wish I was a good person but obviously I'm not and I'm really, really sorry I misjudged you.
That is all.
This is important to me, and I need to apologize for misjudging you even if it was only in my head. You are not the kind of cynical asshole I thought you were. Maybe you used to be - I wouldn't know because I don't know you - but I don't think you are any more. You're hilariously sarcastic, but only to the assholes. You've received everybody else with a kindness and grace I would never have expected.
And I feel really bad about thinking you were the kind of cynical intellectual that I hate because you're crazy physical attractive and crazy smart and immensely witty, and that is so my bag. Despite whatever I made that judgment on, you totally wrote that, I don't know, two, three, four years ago?
I don't even want people judging me on my journal entries from two years ago. I'm not sure I'd want them judging me on my journal entries from last year. I'm not sure I'd want them to judge me on anything I've written this month.
(I always sound like a pompous bitch in retrospect. Good fucking god.)
So it was perhaps just a little bit hypocritical of me to judge you on something like that. Goddamn.
And, even though I pretty much had no way of knowing, I feel like a giant bitch for assuming that you'd be a giant bitch to me if we ever met... or, not even that, just wouldn't even care enough to be a giant bitch. You'd just look down your nose at me for being emotional instead of intellectual and be a little bit confounded that I've chosen my heart over my mind when I could go with my mind. But not confounded enough to be curious; I'm just an anomaly who's made a really bad decision.
Obviously, I've got a bit of a chip on my shoulder about intellectual boys right now. I should probably do something about that before I go misjudging other random people, but I can't bring myself to yet. And that's for the same reason I don't want to like anybody again right now. I'm really tired of liking people I know will never like me. I'm really tired of getting hurt. I'm still kind of hurting, from everything in the past three years, sort of a residual pain when I think too much about it because it hurt so damn much at the time.
I don't need anybody to fix me. I just need some time to heal. I need some time to be less afraid. I'm working on being less shy, but I really, really, really don't want to like anybody. I'm so, so not ready right now. And maybe I still won't be ready, when I like somebody again. But, hopefully, I'll be more ready than I am right now.
God, I feel like I've just been a giant bitch lately. I would really like to stop misjudging people. I'd like to stop being mean to and about people, even if it's just in my head or to my friends and they will never, ever, ever find out. I just feel really bad about it.
And this is obviously also about all the other shit that makes me feel like a terrible person, especially lately. I had a breakdown in my bathroom a couple of days ago. I sobbed for half an hour because I felt like a horrible person and I've been feeling like a terrible person for a really long time and it's nothing I can do anything about and good people don't do that and I'm just going to hell, for real.
But I also feel really bad about misjudging you in particular. I'm trying to keep in mind that other people are people, too, even when I don't like them or they don't like me. They have insecurities, too. They've got baggage, too. That's one thing that LJ reminds me. I just wish it wasn't so hard to remember.
I wish I was nicer.
I wish I was just nice to everybody. I wish I didn't snap at people. I wish I wasn't mean or condescending, even a little bit, when I think somebody's being a total idiot.
I really just wish I was a better person. I wish I was a good person but obviously I'm not and I'm really, really sorry I misjudged you.
That is all.