Show Me What I'm Looking For
Chapter Title: Secret Oath 2/?
Author: neverknew_xo
Rating: T
Pairing: House/Cameron
Warnings: just the angst again ;)
Summary: House finds out Cameron is engaged to Chase and goes to her for a confrontation.
I'm destroying my mind
trying to understand how with little to no effort
you've got me eating out of the palms of your hands
Tonight I made a secret oath
to keep chasing after you
and I am not going to stop
whether you like it or not
*
Everyone was acting strange.
People avoided his face, looking down at the floor or straight ahead whenever they passed by. He didn’t know the reason and at first he didn’t care, but after awhile it got old. House thought back to what could possibly be going on that would make people afraid to look him in the eyes, besides the obvious. He eventually could think of nothing so he went into his office to try and try to rid himself of the situation.
He made himself comfortable, his feet up on his desk, eyes closed, and head tilted back listening to his iPod. He started to get to the point where his thoughts had slowed down before he heard the door to his office open. He peaked an eye open, seeing that Wilson was standing in front of his desk, his eyes downcast towards the floor. The feeling of irritation crept back up and House debated whether to keep his eyes closed or acknowledge that he was standing there.
“I know you know I’m here,” Wilson said clearly annoyed and House opened his eyes realizing Wilson was getting good at reading him.
House remained in the same position, and Wilson sat down in one of the chairs in front of him.
“How are you doing?” Wilson asked him carefully. House, confused, just looked at him. “You seem okay about it.”
Now House glared, obviously confused as to what Wilson was getting at. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Wilson’s face turned from careful to shocked, to guilty all in one second. House knew this piece of news he had must be big, and must affect himself in some way. Wilson sighed heavily, clasping his hands together and focused on the window behind House.
“I’m a big boy,” House said mockingly, “I think I can handle whatever you know.”
“This is different, this is…” Wilson trailed off. House kept staring, expecting him to finish his sentence. “About Cameron and Chase.”
House chuckled slightly. “Are the ducklings taking a break? It was only a matter of time before…”
“They’re getting married House,” Wilson cut him off. “Chase proposed three weeks ago. They’re getting married in May.”
House’s once relaxed posture immediately straightened up. His feet were now firmly planted on the floor, his body leaning towards the front of his desk, his eyes wide and unexpecting. That was 5 months from now, they weren’t even going to be engaged for a year. Is this why everyone was acting so strange? Everyone knew about their engagement? Everyone except for him.
“Oh,” House’s voice was low. “How long have you known?”
“About two weeks,” Wilson answered honestly, knowing it was the only way House was going to process this clearly. “I thought you knew.”
“Of course I didn’t know!” House suddenly shouted. Wilson cringed slightly, knowing he was going to get it from Cameron later. After they last talked about telling House about it she was convinced she wasn’t going to do it. But after Wilson persisted so much she finally said she would tell him today. Wilson just assumed she had broken the news already, but he was obviously mistaken. “Of course she wouldn’t tell me.”
The last part was quiet, and Wilson had to strain himself to hear it and put it together. He knew this wasn’t easy for his friend, it wasn’t what he wanted and even if he didn’t admit it Wilson knew he still had a soft spot for the beautiful doctor. He also knew that Cuddy still very much had feelings for House and he was just starting to slightly warm up to the idea of something happening between them. When Cuddy got the wedding invitation she asked if House knew and when Wilson told her no her face did have a sense of relief to it. Wilson just hoped House wouldn’t do something stupid like crush Cuddy.
“How did you find out?” House asked, breaking Wilson out of his thoughts.
“I got an invitation in the mail. I didn’t think much of it until I opened it and saw it was for a wedding. Finding out it was for Chase and Cameron was just the trigger on this bomb.”
House nodded once, now standing and pacing back and forth. Wilson watched him carefully, now fully interested in how he was going to react. And judging by his immediate reaction, House really did have strong feelings for Cameron, stronger than Wilson had originally thought before.
But then again it was House, and House was always good at hiding.
Wilson was once again pulled out of his analysis when he saw House began walking towards the exit of his office. Wilson called out to him.
“House!” He yelled and when House turned around slowly Wilson softened his voice, “Don’t do anything stupid.”
House could only nod silently again before walking out of his office and no doubt on his way to see Cameron in the ER.
Wilson sighed. This wasn’t easy for his friend that was for sure, but Wilson just hoped he wouldn’t do anything that would compromise his and Cameron’s friendship, Cameron was just about the last one that House let in.
*
House walked briskly, his thoughts all in a jumble and disorganized. Cameron and Chase engaged? It seemed like an oxy moron. Even though they had been dating for a few years the idea of them actually staying together never crossed his mind. The idea of them breaking up however, was a course that ran through his mind often. He could just see it, Cameron walking down the isle in the infamous white dress, her hair pinned back and her stride perfectly straight. Chase would have his long hair slicked back, his tux crisp and ready to go, and when they would finally meet after her long journey from the doors to the altar he would look at her with love and admiration. Just the mere thought of it disgusted him.
It was wrong, so wrong. House shook the image from his mind, trying to focus on the now instead of the future. Right now they weren’t married, which calmed him down immensely.
He was on his way to the ER to maybe talk some sense into Cameron. She couldn’t want this, she couldn’t want Chase.
House was almost there when a hand on his arm appeared and stopped him. It was Cuddy. House didn’t have time for whatever instruction she was going to give him.
“Not now,” He said sternly, trying to pass her by.
“Where are you going?” She asked.
“To see Wilson,” He lied. She didn’t believe it.
She gave him a look. “Wilson’s office is the other way.” When House didn’t say anything, Cuddy knew exactly where he was going. Her face softened in defeat. “You know.”
“Know what?” He asked, trying to deflect the question casually.
“About the engagement,” Cuddy replied slowly. She watched his face for any rise in emotion, any change in his face, just any sign to show that there was some hurt.
The word ‘engagement’ was not a word that House liked hearing right now. His first instinct was to flinch, but restrained knowing that Cuddy would take it personal. He knew they had been skating around circles lately and she was getting tired of the games. In truth, so was he. There was a reason why he kept playing games though, kept delaying the inevitable to happen, and that reason was clear enough now.
“Oh that,” House said nonchalantly, “Yeah I heard. Its great, it just gives me another chance to drink and eat whatever I want. And who knows? Maybe I’ll even pick up somebody from the bridal party. That’s always fun.”
“So you’ll be celebrating?”
House swallowed slowly, quiet emotion seeping through his features. He recovered quickly. “Of course I will, them getting married means they’ll have their own life, and stay out of mine.”
By this time Cuddy’s hand had been lifted off of his arm and he was already on his way down the hallway, successfully ending their conversation. Cuddy didn’t bother stopping him, knowing his white lie about where he was going was no where near as big as the lie he just told now.
*
The ER was quiet, a stark contrast to the way it usually is with patients spilling out all over the place, needing immediate care. For once House was grateful for the silence, it made him think clearly. He was mad, furious even, that she hadn’t bothered to tell him. They weren’t close friends, but in a weird way they were just House and Cameron. They talked about things at random times and they told each other personal things when either of them was caught crying or contemplating. Their relationship was nowhere near normal, but then again, neither were they.
When she had worked for him he was hard on her, pushing her to try harder, to be better, and to stop caring for others like she did and still does. He thought of himself as her charity case, her ideal damaged mate that she was waiting to come around. But as time went on, his firm of beliefs of being Cameron’s damaged puppy subsided. She didn’t treat him like he was damaged, not really, she treated him like every other human being, just a little bit snarkier. Nobody had ever done that, not even Wilson or Cuddy. They looked at him and all they saw was his past, and especially his miserable future. It was hard to be around them sometimes, because they knew so much about him. Cameron didn’t know him, didn’t know is past that well, and even though she had tried, she hadn’t pushed.
She was the only one that didn’t try and change him to be something better. She just accepted him the way he is, bitter and angry about the things he can’t change, and deep and brilliant towards the things he can, like saving lives.
House knew she understood that more than anyone, even Wilson and Cuddy. Cameron had been around long enough to feel what he feels, and has seen enough to deal with what he deals with. Working under him brought them the closest in communication, most of the time without words.
The thought of all of that being taken away because of her marrying someone entirely wrong for her made House go insane. This wasn’t a puzzle, but it had his brain going as if it were.
Realizing what he had always known about Cameron made House uneasy and angry for having this turn of events happen now. She seemed weird the last time they talked and House could only imagine this was why. It made him feel a little bit better that he could still tell when she was stressed.
He walked around the ER, looking for the caring blonde he had known for so long. He found her next to a bed, there was no patient in it but she was filling out one of the charts left on the bedside table.
“Dr. Allison Chase,” He addressed her harshly, the words coming out of his mouth like poison. “That has a speck of disdain in it, don’t you think?”
She turned around slowly, her clipboard now clutched on her side, her eyes hesitantly reaching his. He stared back with great scorn. She seemed a little caught off guard, but tried her best not to show it. He hoped she would.
“Wilson?” She guessed. House moved in a little closer, leaning on his cane for support when he reached the bedside table she was currently next to.
“No actually it was Chase,” He quipped, “He was just so gosh darn excited to tell me!”
She sighed and ran a hand through her hair that was now falling out of its pony tail. Certainly a result of her busy and stressful day down in the ER. She sat down on the bed and put the clipboard back on the table it was on before.
“What do you want from me House?” She asked softly.
This just enraged him more. “What do I want? I want you to tell me what in the hell you were thinking when you said yes!”
“I was thinking that I was in love with him,” She said and looked down at the floor. The avoidance of his eyes told him it was a different story.
“We both know you’re not in love with him.”
She laughed lightly and looked up at him. “Of course you would know, you’re House which means you know what everyone is thinking and feeling all the time everyday. You’re unbelievable.”
He looked at her, his eyes burning a hole in her as they always did. Except now it was different. Something inside of him snapped earlier, making him for once in his life fight for something that could easily be taken away.
“Can you really see yourself married to this guy for the rest of your life?” House dug in, moving closer to the bed that she occupied. “Spending anniversaries, birthday’s, holidays, weekends…everything you do from here on out will include him. Can you deal with that?”
She stood up then, his words and accusations slowly getting to her. “What do you want me to tell you House? That no I can’t picture doing any of that because I’m still in love with you?” She had her hands on her hips, her eyes locked with his.
He stared at her, wanting his eyes to say what he couldn’t. She broke eye contact. “You know what House? Just leave.”
Cameron walked to the desk that House was leaning against moments before. She was gathering papers frantically, looking desperately for something to do with her hands to distract her.
House was on his way out until he stopped and turned around half-way. This was his last attempt to get through to her.
“You’re giving up,” He said quietly, making Cameron turn around with a confused look on her face.
“What?”
“You’re giving up!” He suddenly yelled, limping over to where she stood. His voice echoed throughout the empty walls of the ER.
“On what! I’m still going to have my job, my career, my friends...” She trailed off. “I’m starting my future House, the only thing I’m giving up on is ours.”
“Exactly!” He exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. That one word confronted all he was afraid of and it scared him knowing that now that it was out there, she had the ability to hurt him.
She pressed her body against his, her eyes pleading him to finally say what they both knew all along. If he just said a few words, she would be his completely. He stared back at her, torn between saying those words and kissing her. This was the part where he ran away from it all, ruining everything in the process. He stood where he was though, his eyes still glued on hers.
“Why can’t you ever just say it?” She asked, her voice breaking at the end. She hadn’t been this vulnerable in a long time, and the question pulled him back to their conversation at her door. She was laying it all out for him once again, and he wasn’t giving anything up.
Cameron sighed and looked away, turning to leave when House’s hand on her arm stopped her. She looked up at him.
“You can’t marry him,” He whispered, his eyes now the softest she’s ever seen them.
“Why not?” She asked just as gently.
His big blue eyes seemed to get wider, making her pay attention more. She knew what he was trying to convey, but the more selfish part of her wanted to hear him say it.
“You know why,” He answered, his once strong voice now matching her broken one. “Stay Cameron. With me.”
“What does that mean?”
She leaned in closer, the hand that was around her wrist now snaked around her waist. She parted her lips in anticipation, knowing the border she was about to cross was one she should have always stayed away from.
“I-“ He began but was interrupted when someone from her team in the ER came barging in with a patient. She cursed him for his incredibly bad timing, but also wondered if this was a sign that she should marry Chase, and forget all about House.
He pulled back from her, his eyes now downcast on the floor. Cameron felt cold now that she was out of his embrace. She would always feel cold without his embrace.
“Here,” She said pulling her wedding invitation out of her scrub pocket and into his outstretched hand. She swallowed hard, the words she was about to say next getting stuck in her throat. “I hope you can make it.”
He didn’t say anything, and Cameron knew this was where it ends. She had to get back to work and he had to get back to popping Vicodin and trying to forget this conversation ever happened. Just this one time did she wish that things were different.
Tears welled in her eyes.
He was out the door before Cameron even reached the patient, and she stared after him, wiping away the unshed tears. She took a deep breath and let her arms dangle at her sides. She turned around and walked to where she was needed, not looking back once.
If she did though, she would have seen House sitting on one of the spare beds in the hallway with his head cradled in one hand, torn between doing the right thing or what he wanted, and her wedding invitation clutched in the other, directly in front of his heart.